karole

Sorry to say it TN, but all you have done is allow her the time to retain an attorney and have you removed from the house - which she is probably doing today. Everyone here tried to tell you to get it done before she got home and you wouldn't listen.

8yearscheating

Hurting, I disagree with almost everyone on here. I think you need to give it time and see how things go. Definitiely set your boundaries and requirements - make her move out if you want to, but don't slam the door. Give yourself time to get over the shock of what just happened and don't make major decisions right now. See if she truly puts the actions behind the words and then decide. I felt the same way immediately after the wife's affair finally ended. Seeing the actions behind the words chaneged my mind and my love was too strong to just quit. Iknow I'll take a LOTof flak over this. Just don't jump too far too fast. See how hard she works for it.

What did the VAR tell you when she got back? Keep in mind, 98% of it was fog talk.

SadSamIAm

Why would she get an attorney? She knows he isn't going to do anything. She knows she can cook lasagna and all will be fine. She can stay in the house, not work, and do as she wants. Why would she want a divorce?

She knows what he is saying, "We have to separate, are you going to do it the easy way or the hard way?" But she knows he won't do anything so she is going to do nothing. She is going to ACT like she loves him. He is going to spin his tires. Problems with retainer, problems with kids starting school soon, blah, blah, blah .....

In a couple of weeks he will be telling us that they are working it out. Then in a month or so, he will find her texting some guy or playing on the internet with some guy or just screwing some guy. She can do whatever she likes and he will just let it happen.

HurtinginTN

8 years, thanks for replying. I understand you have been through this as well. I just don't feel anything for her at all. Nothing. Well, nothing good. Plenty of anger, bitterness, resentment, etc. Part of me wants to believe the changes are genuine. Everything she has said and done since she has been home have been precisely from a script I would have written. That's why I thought I might give it a shot to see if it continues. However, I just get angrier and angrier. I can not be around her. There is too much damage. Maybe at some point, but not now.

I didn't have a VAR with her. I had one with me when she got home in expectation of a totally different set of circumstances.

Jellybeans

And this has been and will continue to be your downfall.
She knows there is nothing to lose. She knows you are always there for her no matter what. It doesn't matter if she runs off with some man, abandons her husband/marriage and children, you will still be waiting for her when she gets back from her escapades. So you give her a month or a few months...she knows at the end of that time, you will still be there for her because there are no consequences for her actions.

What boundaries? He has no boundaries and hasn't since this thread began.

Yes, definitely advise him to keep letting her eat all the cake she wants. That will help him immensely.

golfergirl

I think it's sad what you've done to your children. They think Mommy's back and then you make her leave? If she doesn't have you thrown out first.
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HurtinginTN

Ouch, that hurts. Deservedly so. We just talked. She called to tell me about an extremely inappropriate post her sister made on her blog. My children read her blog each day. She knows this. Yet, she posted something that was totally out of line and hurtful to my children. This is the woman that was doing my laundry, fixing supper, making coffee in the mornings, etc. for the past couple of weeks. Wow, to go from being so kind and generous for all she has done for 2 weeks to doing something so very stupid and inconsiderate, especially knowing full well that my children would be reading it.

That's kind of crazy when I look at that. She was awesome for 2 weeks and switches to being extremely inconsiderate. My wife was extremely inconsiderate for 2 weeks and switches to being awesome.

My mother-in-law suggested in a conversation a few days ago that she would try to take my kids away from us. She said, "They are just as much my kids as they are yours." Unbelievable. This is from a woman that is gone more than she is home. I don't know if there are other men involved in her absences. I doubt she could find one to put up with her, actually. But she is gone more than she is home. Visiting her sister, other family, etc while her husband stays home. She actually said something about going to court if she has to in order to "do what is best for MY children." As if this woman getting custody of my kids would be best for them. Unbelievable.

Those kids are true gifts of God. He could have given them to any parents in the world. He gave them to us. Have we made mistakes in not keeping up with the home school as well as we should have? Yes. I should have been helping and she should have been doing much more. She is working on it today. Have we made mistakes in our marriage? Yes. Both of us have made mistakes. Are we both finally ready to learn from our mistakes and move forward? Yes.

What does the Bible say about it? In regards to divorce, adultery is given as grounds. However, "in the beginning it was not so." I don't remember the actual verse. There are plenty of stories where repentant folks are given second chances.

The prodigal son. He came back begging for a job as a servant. He was treated as a king.

The woman caught in adultery that everyone was going to stone. Jesus wrote something in the dirt and everyone walked away.

Hosea.

Wasn't one of the Mary's a prostitute?

Well, thank you all for the advice. I apologize for frustrating you with this horrendous story. Most have said for a long time to just move on. To what? My brother's second wife cheated and left after just a short time. Most women cheat. We men have that stereotype, but I firmly believe it is equal, if not more so on the women's side. Who's to say the next one would be any better?

This is the mother of my children. She is repentant. I am getting off the wall and moving forward, with her. We are both changed people. This process has been extremely painful, but I believe it has been necessary. For some reason, we had to go through this ****storm. It's time for a new chapter in our lives.

This will be the last time I come here, for at least a few months. Perhaps at some point, I will come back to give an update. I know most of you will think I am a total and complete fool. Perhaps you are right. Time will tell. However, I can not sit on this fence. Coming here only pushes one direction. I don't feel peace going that direction since she is remorseful and repentant. I feel peace going the other direction, a new direction with her and my children.

I certainly would like to remain in contact with my friends from here. Those of you with my email address, please keep in touch. I wish the best for all of you that are going through this hell. If you are here, you most likely are. Thank you for giving me an outlet for these many months.

karole

I will be praying for you TN......

turnera

Wait, what? Because someone posts a hateful blog post, you and your wife are now united as a team against the world? In two hours? WOW.

Has it occurred to you that she conspired with her sister to make that post just SO you would unite with your wife?

Just wow.

Look, I'm all for reconciling. Just not the way you are doing it!

You will be back here in two years discussing her LATEST man. Well, no, you probably won't. You'll be too embarrassed.

Good luck, hurt. You're going to need it.

SadSamIAm

I wish you the best Hurt. I am worried that she is going to take advantage of you. Will be waiting to hear an update from you in the future. I sincerely hope this goes well for you.

karole

Also, FYI, your parents or your wife's parents have no grounds to get custody of your kids. They wouldn't even qualify for visitation rights if the two of you divorced. I don't know where she came up with thinking she could get custody of your kids.

KathyGriffinFan

Oy vey. *Slaps forehead*

I guess I shouldn't be too surprised though. You have been a doormat since day one, and I say that as nicely as I can (although you can't hear my sweet tone over the internet).

We could all go on and on about reconciling is one thing, but how you're doing it is so NOT in your best interest. You teach people how to treat you. She's been back a day or two, and now she's an awesome wife? Lest we forget about the adultery and all that jazz.

Your woman doens't respect you, it doesn't change itself on it's own.

She was only "inconsiderate." Sorry my friend, you're still in a fog.
She's now "awesome." That's the lack of a wife you've had, that when she does average things like cook dinner, is affectionate and attentive, you think she's doing something extra awesome. Yes, women that take care of their men and family on an everyday basis are truly awesome, but this chick just came back from banging OM. She ain't that awesome.

No, not unbelievable. It's what we were all worried about. You're referring to the mother-in-law that had only the childrens best interest at heart, and you said would probably side with you, right? Look how things change.

Well TN, good luck to ya. For the sake of you and your children, I hope I'm wrong and everything works out for you

SadSamIAm

I am guessing the 'hateful blog post' is about your wife abandoning her family to go f@ck the other guy. Something your kids already know.

It is a terrible thing that your kids know your wife doesn't love you. It is a terrible thing that they know that their mother is a tramp. It is a terrible thing you are teaching your kids that this is OK.

turnera

At 10:49am you wrote:
At 1:27pm you wrote:
All because of a phone call?

I get it, hurt. You're getting off this website because we are no longer supporting your choices. See that all the time.

And I TOTALLY get wanting to keep the family together. Support it even. In the right way.

I will just say this, which I often tell my DD20 when she's deciding what to do: If there are 100 people in a room, and 99 of them see something one way, and one of them sees something else, which group is probably right? Trust the numbers.

WE don't know you and your wife. Maybe she went to hell and back on that trip. Maybe it WAS the mea culpa she needed. I sincerely hope so. Not for YOUR sake; you're an adult and can make your own choices. For your kids' sakes, so they don't end up getting wrung through ANOTHER (at least one more) wringer.

Best of luck.

Ok, one more thing: Are you AT LEAST going to make her go to counseling?

Eli-Zor

Have you done the above without compromise or dilution.

Do not think to deeply about a future without without her, what you need is time, and her very action must evidence her commitment for the future.

HTN there is a phrase that is used...she must throw the OM under the bus, he must dislike her so much that ALL the bridges are burned and there is no go back for her, your wife is a pro at acting and you must be aware of this.

I still say you can recover your marriage but and it is a big BUT she has to do the work and KNOW how much she has hurt you.You can never trust her again, she has proven she can cheat and is willing to go to the extreme for his own needs. You must not be fooled into a false recovery .

With all this said I suggest you go to the MB site and download the emotional questionnaires for you both to complete.

Furthermore do not blame your sister in law, you yourself have declined on numerous times to follow a course to protect your family and the only reasons from what I can read is your child had to say something and/or the OM was not up to par.

Hang in there marriages have recovered from worse and been better for all. it takes two or more years before this will be where you want it to be and the triggers are nulled.

Wishing you well