Re: Synopsis & Update on ongoing? emotional affair
You are failing to be consistent in your behaviours, when you take the Internet away you do so permanently , if and when you require access you connect it, immediately after you have finished shut it down again. Focus on losing weight , looking and being attractive , keep your children close to you and enact your plan. Do not hesitate to act out on your end goal, the 180 will strengthen you, plan A is you being loving, not a doormat. I suggested some time ago you register your children to go to school, this and other components of the plan are for you to get control of your family and your destiny. Untill she gives you full access to everything and practices radical honesty with a commitment to you and your marriage assume she is in an affair.
I despair when I read your your posts as you are hoping and being gullible , your marriage is over and will remain so untill she reengages. In the meantime sort your life out with the intention of moving on without her, plan plan plan and do not even think of playing nice with her if a divorce process starts.
Secure monies and do not let her know what you are doing. Focus and stay on course. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Synopsis & Update on ongoing? emotional affair
that's why I suggested he shut off the internet, hence no way to meet men, and perhaps to ask people that you are close and related to not to allow her on their computer if for some reason she happens to come over to someones house and asks if she can use their computer.
Re: Synopsis & Update on ongoing? emotional affair
Quote:
Originally Posted by HurtinginTN
Yes, my smog has been as bad as, if not worse than, my wife's fog. There are small glimmers of clarity of thought, but most of the the past couple of months I haven't been able to see my hand in front of my face for the smog. The smog is dissipating.
This whole thing hit me like a ton of bricks. Going back and re-reading my posts, I want to reach through the computer screen and shake myself. Pit of my stomach, I see especially why you get so frustrated with me. It looks like you went through the same thing, to some extent. The wanting to believe her, etc.
I don't want to let her go. That is true. There are many reasons. At times, the only reason is my very strong belief that our wonderful children deserve to have both of their parents in their lives. Not just staying married for the sake of the kids, but developing a wonderful marriage for the sake of the kids. I firmly believe that how our marriage works out will very likely be the way my children's marriages work out.
I fully understand that takes two. I also fully understand I have played a major part in how horrible our marriage is at this point. Both before the affair started and my actions (inactions) the past couple of months. I know I have made and continue to make plenty of mistakes. However, the smog is very slowly dissipating and clarity of mind is growing.
Part of the 180 is to not talk about the relationship or future. That is one area I have fallen short on consistently. Last night, I was able to refrain from any talk at all about the current or future status of our relationship. As Eli-Zor pointed out one time, I do have two distinct advantages. One is the distance between her and the other man. The other is our three kids. Regardless of what she thinks of me as a husband, she does know and admit that I am a good father to our children.
We have a date for Saturday night, sort of. There is a cool band playing at a local winery that we are the 2 biggest fans of. Our kids all take music lessons. Their teacher is playing at the winery. He has invited them to come play some songs with him. I told them I was going from the beginning. I asked her last night if she was planning on going to be polite. I fully expected her to say no. She said she is planning on it.
As far as the motorcycle, I am doing that for me. The first reason for that is the ever-increasing price of gas and my long commute to work. I'll save a few hundred dollars per month on gas alone. Also, I think it will be very fun. When she expressed interest in also going to the class, I readily offered to pay for her class as well. It will be fun to take the class together.
Regardless of how our marriage ends up, we need to develop a respectful, peaceful relationship. We are tied together for life as the parents of those kids. Birthdays, weddings, visitation, etc. will always keep our relationship open, regardless of whether that is as spouses or not. I can't control her thoughts or actions, but I can work on mine. I will continue to do so.
TN, the only reason I commented on the motorcycle issue is because you brought up that she might use it as an avenue to explore other options in regards to her transportation problems in visiting this other guy.
At this point, you don't even know if she will be polite at a club together, yet you have made arrangements to pay for a weekend motorcycle class. I just don't follow the logic. Coupled with the fact that it is already in your mind that she may use this to obtain a license to visit this guy, whether you were just being sarcastic or not, I just don't see the upside.
It sounds as if you've already made up your mind, you're going to stick with her and become her doormat. Hey, more power to you if you have the cojones to admit it. At least you'll be owning up to you.
From a womans perspective, well from any perspective, she has no respect for you. Everyone else has said it on here a million and a half times, she does not respect you and what you do for your family. She has it made, she's at home while you're out supporting the family, you do the errands, and she gets to live out her fantasy land on the internet. The only draw back is that once in a while she'll get caught by you and have to deal with your reaction to it. Small price to pay to have everything you want in the palm of your hand.
It's your vehicle in your name, but you've allowed her to drive it, knowing she'll call her lover.
You've had temper tantrums and hid the modem but haven't disconnected the problem (the internet).
She is so disrespectful, she'll buy a pre-paid phone to call this guy, and when no other option is available, she'll call from the home phone that you pay for.
She has no job but is talking to this man, right in front of you, yet you keep supporting her.
You don't even know if she can be polite to you for an evening at a club listening to music, but you'll invest in a weekend motorcycle class for the two of you, paid with your money. The idea of her using the license to visit this guy is already in the back of your mind, joking or not.
She's already had inappropriate chats with another man, indicating where she lived but stopped before it could go any further by YOU.
Her lack of sympathy, remorse and the incessant lying are disturbing.
What foundation are you building for the future? You two haven't even begun to deal with this. Where is the honesty and transparency?
A few months ago, I suspected my husband of having an EA. The OW was open to the prospect of having a romantic relationship with him, and for a second I thought about staying with him, just to prevent the possibility of him dating her. But there was not a drop of sense in that, and that is no way to live. I did not want to be with a man that I did not trust, just to prevent him from being with someone he wanted to be with. That life was not for me. Thankfully with further investigation, it turned out that he was not having an EA.
Obviously it is your life, you have a overwhelming portion of individuals on this thread saying the same thing to you. We can all scream it from the heavens but the rest is up to you. I would never judge someone for returning to their cheating spouse; marriages are too complex.
That being said, if you're going to continue down this road in hopes of reconciliation, you have to do it in a healthy way in order to build a foundation to restoring your marriage. I just don't see where you've even begun to do this. Building a foundation may include a trial separation. Yes you love her, we get that. You wanna be the good guy in this, but there is a fine line between being a good supportive husband, and a door mat. I truly believe that it is the latter.
The only thing she hasn't done has consummated her relationship with this man. Yet. Would you tolerate her having sex with this man in your house? I wonder. You've put up with much already and still have managed to allow her to continue trampling all over you.
Your wife sounds like a child and you, her parent. She's a kid in a candy store and she's stealing, and the only lesson she has learned is that once in a while she'll get a stern talking to. Little price to pay to have the candy store at your finger tips. Hardly enough punishment to teach her that she needs to stop doing it.
Re: Synopsis & Update on ongoing? emotional affair
Quote:
Originally Posted by Eli-Zor
Focus on losing weight , looking and being attractive , keep your children close to you and enact your plan.
I suggested some time ago you register your children to go to school.
Untill she gives you full access to everything and practices radical honesty with a commitment to you and your marriage assume she is in an affair.
I despair when I read your your posts as you are hoping and being gullible , your marriage is over and will remain so untill she reengages. In the meantime sort your life out with the intention of moving on without her, plan plan plan and do not even think of playing nice with her if a divorce process starts.
Secure monies and do not let her know what you are doing. Focus and stay on course. Posted via Mobile Device
Working out, new clothes, more time with the kids, etc. are consistent.
I decided to let them ride out this school year at home. It was already spring break when you suggested that. They will be registered for next school year.
I agree that her failure to give up the phone confirms that the affair is still active. It's nowhere near as active as it was, since she has to keep it hidden from me and the kids, who are almost always with her.
I don't mis-interpret our "date" for Saturday night as hope in my marriage. We will ride together to both watch our children perform.
There are many changes going on to become more independent. As the strength in my biceps is growing from the workouts, so is my inner strength. Today has been my most productive day at work in a long time.
I have seen there are many fish in the sea lately. I've not even realized I was in a sea for years, much less noticed the other fish. There are quite a few fish out there actually that are interested in the bait on my hook. This weekend, there were several nibbles. I wasn't looking to catch a fish, just have a good time (not in a 1-night stand kind of way. A drink some beer with friends and listen to a good band way.) However, the nibbles were encouraging. I'm not looking to go fishing any time soon. However, my desperation to save this marriage is quickly diminishing.
Re: Synopsis & Update on ongoing? emotional affair
Quote:
Originally Posted by HurtinginTN
Working out, new clothes, more time with the kids, etc. are consistent.
I decided to let them ride out this school year at home. It was already spring break when you suggested that. They will be registered for next school year.
I agree that her failure to give up the phone confirms that the affair is still active. It's nowhere near as active as it was, since she has to keep it hidden from me and the kids, who are almost always with her.
I don't mis-interpret our "date" for Saturday night as hope in my marriage. We will ride together to both watch our children perform.
There are many changes going on to become more independent. As the strength in my biceps is growing from the workouts, so is my inner strength. Today has been my most productive day at work in a long time.
I have seen there are many fish in the sea lately. I've not even realized I was in a sea for years, much less noticed the other fish. There are quite a few fish out there actually that are interested in the bait on my hook. This weekend, there were several nibbles. I wasn't looking to catch a fish, just have a good time (not in a 1-night stand kind of way. A drink some beer with friends and listen to a good band way.) However, the nibbles were encouraging. I'm not looking to go fishing any time soon. However, my desperation to save this marriage is quickly diminishing.
I'm sorry but I have to say this. Well, first let me preface that by saying you continue to stick to the general theme in all your statements, so much so that it seems kind of...maybe fake is the word? I apologize for being too harsh.
You echo the same message over and over.
You talk about working on yourself physically, you talk about not having hope that something will save the marriage, and then you finish with the "my hope for saving this marriage is diminishing quickly." Ummm, how long has this been going on? I thought I read 9 months. I guess it hasn't been diminishing that quickly, since you've been saying that time and time again.
You've made excuses for your inaction. And let me say that there is another thread on here similar to yours, so if I get the details confused, I apologize. Back to my initial point, you've made excuses for not installing the key logger. You made excuses for not turning off the internet. You made excuses for filing for separation. You've basically made all the excuses for taking a stand.
To be brutally honest with you, I would have loved to have had been with someone like you during my serial-cheating days. I could of cheated all night long, knowing that I could throw anything at you and you would still stay. Maybe sometimes you'll throw a temper tantrum and have a hissy fit and throw my clothes around, but I know you'll be a little puppy dog and help me pick them up. I would know that I could do and say anything I want and blame you for it, and you'd never even separate from me. Heck, I wouldn't even have to work because I would be with someone who would tolerate my cheating but continue to support me and my habit. Gotta luv it. The person that would allow me to do this, I would have no respect for. Yeah, if he whined enough I might say that the EA ended and maybe it did...with him. Through this though, I would have learned that my husband does not follow through with threats/ultimatums. I would have learned that with the way my husband thinks (that being a good husband is allowing one self to be walked over and continue to support that person with no boundaries, or emphasis on changing, or even being honest), I can get away with anything because he'll always be there, ready and waiting to help me. Yes, that's how good of a man he is and while he would make a perfect hubby for someone that deserves him, I do not (deserve him). So I take advantage of him. In a normal relationship, a supportive hubby is a good thing but when you're in a relationship with a cheater, there has to be a line drawn in the sand. But hey, I know he'll never enforce that line...or any of the million of the other things that he said I couldn't do or he'd leave me- and that I did anyway, and he still stayed.
You're a puppy dog. Heck, I'm losing respect for you. Imagine her?
But hey, you've been told that by practically everyone here yet you continue.
This nonsense about the fish in the sea is just a story, almost as if you're trying to fake yourself into believing it. It sounds like something I would have wrote during my senior year of high school. It sounds a lil' contrived...I'm not saying that it didn't happen, I mean contrived that you're trying to force yourself to believe that and have us believe that you're at a breaking point.
I would much rather hear you be blunt about where you stand. "Look guys, my wife treats me like crap and she has paraded this EA in front of me for 9 months but I cannot leave her. I don't want to make excuses, or say I'm doing this for the kids because I'm doing it for me.
I. Cannot. Leave. Her."
There, end of story. Gosh, whatever you do, just freakin' own it already. These stories you attempt to pass off are just to pacify a group of people that you don't even know. We can tell you that you are a doormat but you are not going to listen, and that's fine, just freakin' own it.
Whatever you do, know that you will make your children stronger by having the strength to leave a broken marriage, over the decision to be a coward in a bad marriage.
For your sake, I hope you separate. If she goes to this man, that is her decision and you have to move on in your life. If she doesn't and she goes to counseling and you to go together and she is honest for once and you work on it together, then great. Otherwise, without honesty, what the heck do you have? Certainly not a future together.
BTW, I hope you continue to seek IC. And the motorcycle training? Don't take her with you, although I'm sure you will. I feel that is something you should do on your own, and at least you will show your independence. Her hopping along for the ride and license, after how she has behaved, is just reinforcing that she can get away with it. Take a stand man. If you're interested in being more friendly, find an activity that you don't have to worry that she'll use to just visit this guy (like you said, will she get a license to hop on a bike and visit this dude). If she's persistent about only doing the motorcycle training and has no interest in any other activity, I'd say she's telling you (very strongly) that she's just using you for a license to visit this guy.
Re: Synopsis & Update on ongoing? emotional affair
I think he said they could both use it....and I don't believe her parents like what their daughter is doing, perhaps he could go to his dad in law and make sure she doesn't get access to his bike either.
Re: Synopsis & Update on ongoing? emotional affair
Now if you're using a motorcycle to commute to/from work, are you giving her access to your van (that's in your name) during the day while you're away?
Re: Synopsis & Update on ongoing? emotional affair
What a painful thread to read. You certainly have co-dependency written all over you, especially on your forehead.
Sorry to say this, but your neediness and weakness really makes you look so unattractive. So unattractive that your cheating wife's online boyfriend looks more attractive than you.
You say she told you that she ended it, yet she is hiding her cell phone. Do you seriously believe that? Who pays for this cell phone? If you're the one paying for it, THEN STOP PAYING FOR IT! Man up! Cut off her access to the internet by deleting her profile from the computer and changing your password. She needs to go cold turkey and no contact with the other man.
Re: Synopsis & Update on ongoing? emotional affair 
Open marriage is right.
