Jellybeans

What are her mental issues? TN, please tell us.

TN's wife knows it's wrong cause if she didn't, why would she hide her phone, battery, lie about being in touch with him?

So she is very calculated and rational about how she hides these things and continues to do them...

Shooboomafoo

Hey Im sorry folks, maybe I am just trying to rationalize and make excuses for my own wifes affairs, and realizing that I have a nice little set of raisinettes hanging down below.
I know that pushing her through demands and doing the 180 right now would lead to one single outcome. the End of this. Thats her defense mechanism, to cut and run, and it would play directly into that, rather than finding and exhausting all efforts. Just scheduled a MC session myself for next week. It will be the very first one for us, and I totally see a disorder type of issue going on in my wife, even with the EA shes had. I am hoping the MC can realize this and offer some sort of help with it.

Pit-of-my-stomach

I'm not advocating "manning up" caveman style...

Im telling him he has to show some respect for himself at least he needs to establish some boundries, there is a line between being understanding and loving and being outright abused and neglected... No one can live like that and not carry residual scars... and being that "punching dummy" is not winning ANYONES wife back... He's been way over that line. I'm am certain you mean well and I do understand the value of empathy and being a loving and forgiving partner...

lol. (Pit beats hairy chest with club) "oooga-boooga! you broke woman, you go to doctor now!!"

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Never say Never- The Fog
4 No0bs

HurtinginTN

Well, I don't even know all of my mental issues. Co-dependency, doormat, nice guy, etc. I'm an accountant, not a psychologist.

She doesn't like to be "pressured". That is one thing that has been around a long time. I think that goes back to her childhood with very strict parents. Her father is a totally different man now than he was when she was a child. I never saw that side of him. However, she definitely has scars from her childhood.

She has a very strong defense mechanism and aversion to being "pressured" or "forced" to do anything. This has come to play in many situations over the years. I don't know if that relates to any type of mental issue or not. It definitely has related to marital issues.

She is very depressed. She has been on anti-depressants for several years. The panic attacks a few months ago were sort of a breaking point, I believe. I think the stress of the affair added to her depression was more than she could handle. She is currently on a few medications that keep away the panic attacks.

I have a friend that had an emotional affair a few years ago. He was also on anti-depressants at the time. He believes that this was a factor in his not thinking clearly. He got off the anti-depressants and saw what he was doing. Luckily for him, his wife, and his marriage, he was able to go no contact immediately before it progressed to the physical level. He related this to me recently and thinks her meds may contribute to the affair. They seem to block a person's conscience.

I don't know what issues may be there. It would be nice to learn, though.

just_peachy

Dude, I am on antidepressants and my conscience is fine. They have side effects, but causing cheating is not one of them.

HurtinginTN

No, I didn't mean to imply they are the cause. Neither are they an excuse. However, they could be a contributing factor.

I certainly don't condone her actions. Also, I have plenty of work to do on myself. That just brought up some other thoughts. Especially combined with my sister-in-law recently saying she thinks there are issues.

Jellybeans

Spot on.

This is EXACTLY what it is.

This is not a mental issue. This is her wanting to do whatever she wants.

This is ridiculous and IMHO, probably the dumbest rationalization/explaination I've ever heard for cheating.

Word! One of my closest friends is bi-polar and has never cheated in any of her relationships. Ever.

It's just more excuses.

turnera

Yeah, we're not talking mental conditions here. I thought you were talking bipolar or sociopath or something.

She knows what she's doing.

She knows you're too weak and codependent to cause her any consequences, and she hates you for it, so she cheats to get the thrill of a 'real man' that she's not getting from you.

just_peachy

No. Antidepressants Do. Not. Contribute to cheating. Who you are and what you value contribute to cheating.

Your guy friend is rationalizing away his screw up because he won't own the responsibility for it, and you are internalizing it because you are grasping at straws - looking for any reason to make this less your wife's fault.

Honestly, she doesn't sound like she has actual mental issues so much as she sounds like a petulant, spoiled child in need of a good spanking (and not the foreplay kind!)

HurtinginTN

Now, isn't that some sort of mental issue for a late-30's woman? Maybe I'll break out the paddle tonight. I've only ever used one type of paddle and it always brings tears, not joy.

I guess that is one way to look at this. One of the hardest things, in my opinion, of being a parent is giving a spanking. I had always heard the saying, "This is going to hurt me worse than it hurts you", but I never believed it when I was on the receiving end. Now that I have had to be on the giving end, I definitely believe it.

I can justify giving the children temporary pain on their bottom in order to teach them something that will possibly prevent more pain for them in the future. "You don't hit girls" when my son hits his older sisters. A spanking or two helped to drive that point home and he doesn't. I'd rather his bottom hurt a little and him get the point that he should NEVER hit a girl, regardless of the provocation.

I suppose I need to apply that same logic to my wife. A little spanking of no internet, etc. may hurt her in the short term, but help in the long term.

just_peachy

Nope. It sounds like a woman who never had to grow up, but it's not a mental issue.

I never believed the line about "hurts me more than you" growing up either. I've only ever had the fortitude to spank my boys once, and that was for throwing rocks at passing cars. The husband has spanked them twice - both times for lying (how's that for irony?).

Yes. At the very least, it will show her that you are serious about this. She doesn't take you seriously right now. It's the same as with children - you have to state the consequences and then follow up on them, no matter how painful you may find it. Otherwise, they know your boundaries aren't for real and they can get away with bad behavior because you'll tolerate it.

Jellybeans

No. It's called selfishness and a conscious decision of hers to actively partake in relationships outside your marriage.

It is all very very calculated on her end.

Pit-of-my-stomach

Spot on. Bingo. Bullseye. Nail on the head.

__________________
Never say Never- The Fog
4 No0bs

Lilyana

I am on anti depressants and anti anxiety meds.. I have never cheated nor had the mind to cheat even with all the **** I've gone through with my H.

I think your friend is using it as an exuse so he can swallow his wifes cheating easier.

I have a conscience.. i know right from wrong on my meds.. there is no excuse for her behavior.

pidge70

I've heard of people justifying their cheating because they went off the meds but, never heard of cheating because of being medicated.
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