Wife admitted to cheating
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 04-12-2011, 08:29 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife admitted to cheating

So about two weeks ago I noticed my wife of 3 years changing in certain ways. It really is hard to explain but she started getting dressed up late at night before I left for work (I'm a cop who works graveyard 8pm-8am). She started going out with friends more and everything which isn't a problem.

Yesterday I met her for lunch during her break at Mcdonalds and she said she needed to get catfood. I explained to her that since I was off work we could both go together once she gets off work. She insisted on getting the catfood so I said ok. I told her to go ahead and get it and that I would see her when she got home. Well, about half way home I decided that I would meet her at Walmart and surprise her by spending a few extra minutes with her. I park my car and start walking towards the store, when I hear a very familiar laugh to the side near some parked cars. I look over and it's my wife and a soldier in uniform across from her. At this point I'm thinking its just a guy getting out of his car to go in the store. I approached them and he was just standing there. When my wife and he saw me they both had a look on their face that I am so familiar with. A look of shame and guilt. I was very confused as to what was going on and the guy tells her "ok well let me know if he's interested" and gives her a card.

My wife and I go into Walmart and she says "why are you following me?". I explained to her that I wanted to spend some extra time with her and that I was just going to go home.
Convinced that something was going on I waited for her to come home. When questioned about the man she explained that she was talking to him for one of her girlfriends because she was interested in joining the military. She said that his recruiting station is in the shopping center and that he met her there to gather the information. Knowing my wife very well and when she is lying I told her that I knew what was going on and that I wasnt stupid. In short, her story continued to change over and over. Eventually she cracked and told me that she really met this guy in a chat room last week and that the "most" they have done was hold hands and that he kissed her goodnight. She also told me that he has been taking her out to dinner and meeting her and such.

My wife has a very promiscuous past that involves her dating military men when she was in college and I was actually in the military when we met. (we met on facebook).
When she told me this I left the house and went looking for this guy and was called by her parents who talked me into coming to their house which I did. My wife has a long history with her own family with not being able to be trusted. She lied to them about being in college after being out for over a year and has lied over and over to the ones around her.
Also about 3 weeks ago She and I were in the computer room and I heard the AOL instant messenger sound. I looked over and saw a chat box with a message from a guy named Sam which said "How was your day". She frantically closed the box and looked over at me. When questioned about the message she stated that it was a girl from college, but after badgering her about it she eventually told me that it was a guy she knew in college but that it wasn't a big deal.
We continued argueing and eventually I found a military buisiness card for the soldier and is name is "samuel" (hence, the IM screen name SAM)

To top all of this off today is our official wedding anniversary and I'm about to leave to talk to a counselor to see if there is any way for me to cope with the trust issue that is now in our marriage. I do love her with all of my heart, but with my work schedule and type of work I do I can't be at work wondering if shes seeing another man or not. She says she hasn't had sex with him, but I truly don't believe her. Like I said she has had a very promiscuous past in college and I actually almost got her to sleep with me the second day we were dating (although we didn't). I'm just very hurt and confused as to where to go from here. She has ruined her relationship with everyone that cares for her from lying over and over.
I asked her why she started talking to another man and her answer was that she felt that I hated her and didn't think she was pretty anymore even though I always buy her flowers and tell her how beautiful she is. I worship the ground this woman has walked on. She has major self esteem issues as pointed out by her parents who are extremely pissed at her because shes about to lose a very good man who takes great care of her.

Sorry for such a long post and thanks for any tips or guidance you give.

-Kevin

***UPDATE***

May 01, 2011

So I decided to give her a chance. God forgives people of many sins and I felt that I would have been selfish not to. A few days ago my wife was babysitting a co workers child at their home down the street when she left her eye glasses. I was off that day and my wife came home saying she left them. My wife and I planned to go get the glasses and stopped for lunch. When we got to the office to pick up her eye glasses she had left her phone in the car with me. Her phone received a message and being the nosey cop I am I looked at it. The message was from an unsaved number in her phone and stated "Are you going to see sam?" I was devastated. I had thought that all of this was over. Anyways, there was another message in the phone from an unknown number and my wife came back to the car. I confronted her with the messages and asked her about them she said "oh thats a rachel from work playing a joke, it isnt funny". I asked about the other number and she said "thats from her husband named Joe, he was looking for her (my wife has an ex BF named joe who was in the Marines. She dated him about 6 years ago). I said ok im gunna call the number. She started punching me trying to get the phone away. I called "rachel" and our convo went as this:

Me:"hello who am I speaking with?"
Rachel:"Rachel"
Me:Cool, is Joe around?
Rachel:"I'm sorry you have the wrong number"

Anyways, I ended up finding out that shes talking to her ex BF now. She says he gives her advice but anyways...After the initial Walmart incident and being the computer savy individual I am, I installed a key logger trojan on her computer, which keeps track of every single key stroke she presses. I obtained her email username and password with yahoo and found several messages with phrases such as "I wish I was in your arms right now" "I would leave him now but I can't afford it on my own" "I'm leaving once I graduate from school" and ending with "I'll be thinking of last night and will be dreaming about tonight".


While I was going through the messages she was out with a woman from her work and I called her. I began reading her the message and she hung up in the middle. I called her back, she answered and I got to the end "I'll be thinking of last night and will be dreaming about tonight"
She paused and said "ok, you caught me". She was gone until about 2AM that night saying that she was afraid of me. I told her I wasn't angry, I was hurt. My heart was hurt.
I finally talked her into coming home and began to question her a little more where she finally admitted to having sex with this Sam fellow.
I sat her down at the table and told her that I wanted a divorce.

Fast forward to today we are still living in the same home due to finances and every single day she breaks down into tears begging me for another chance. I keep telling her I gave her her chance and she knew the consequences. I told her if it continued I would be done with our marriage. My heart hurts so bad I feel like I have a big pile of goop in the middle of my chest, like im going down a roller coaster. I'm not angry at her at all, I'm upset. My heart hurts so bad and we've both shed alot of tears this week. I told her i'm not going to drop off the face of her planet and stop talking to her or anything and that I'll be her best friend and be there to comfort her and help her through our separation but thats as far as it goes. Deep inside I want to give her another chance, but I've given her a chance and she goes out and has sex with this guy. Now shes full of tears and regret and begs me everytime we see eachother. She says she feels so stupid for what shes done and feels like shes the biggest screwup in the world. One side of me believes her but the other side doesn't. The trust in our marriage is gone and I feel that she won't be able to prove herself again after all of this. I told her what would happen if it continued and sure enough...it continued.
After talking to her and asking if she had feelings for "sam" she said "no, he's an *******" and doesn't talk to me anymore and that he's afraid of me. He got what he wanted and ran for the hills it sounds like. I'm so confused right now and hurt. I'm going to see a counseler tommorow to let some of this out and get more advice.

Last edited by KevinH; 05-04-2011 at 05:03 AM.
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Old 04-12-2011, 09:25 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Convinced that something was going on I waited for her to come home. When questioned about the man she explained that she was talking to him for one of her girlfriends because she was interested in joining the military.
So she initially said the guy in uniform needed info on being in the military.

Oy.

Yeah you need to have a seroius talk with her and tell her that the cheating and lying ends today or you are gone.

Get tested for STDs.

Why did she lie about being in college if she wasn't?
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Old 04-12-2011, 09:30 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Set up a polygraph. You know how effective they are. But you may get her to spill the beans. I think you know with her past and what she is doing now, you have a hard road ahead. Good luck. Advice. Start getting your financial house in order. You may want to separate finance. The problem is, she doesn't feel guilt. At least not enough to tell you the truth. Get the poly, then decide if you have a serial cheater on your hands. How many kids do you have?
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Old 04-12-2011, 09:32 AM   #4 (permalink)
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The problem is, she doesn't feel guilt. At least not enough to tell you the truth.
Yep. And that is going to make this a huge uphill battle until she starts owning what she did/is doing.
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Old 04-12-2011, 10:37 AM   #5 (permalink)
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sorry to hear about the dilemma with your wife be encouraged you are not the first one to go through something like this you have to be strong and stay positive she is a liar therefore unless she start changing from her lying ways you are going to always have trouble with her she has a character deficiency, lack of honesty, if I was in your position I would seek counseling from a spiritual pastor and ask God to help change her lying ways.

If after you try this it would be best to let her go, because infidelity can somethings result in the man killing his wife or other man because of rage and angry plus you have military training which can be dangerous if you are not level head.

My brother been encourage there are other woman out there who would love a faithful and loving husband don't allow your wife to wreck your life.
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Old 04-12-2011, 10:44 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife admitted to cheating

I don't think you can changes someone's character. Your description of your wife isn't very flattering.

I hope you guys don't have any children. You are only in three years. Lots of life ahead of you. I would walk.
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Old 04-12-2011, 10:57 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife admitted to cheating

Something is broken inside of her. Sounds like you knew that before you married her. Did you think your love had fixed her?

Character, is like a kettle, even when it's been mended, it will alway require repairs.
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Old 04-12-2011, 11:48 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife admitted to cheating

Get the guys name, and go to his C O---the military frowns on any of their personnel, causing problems for civilians---he could just end up with a couts-martial----then you would have satisfaction w/out getting yourself in trouble

Your wife is lying to you all over the place---she didn't even wanna stay with you at lunch---she wanted to go to be with the other guy---and lied right to your face about it---major problem
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Old 04-12-2011, 12:19 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Unless your wife gets into counseling to address her issues this behavior will cycle throughout your marriage. Set your boundaries with her in her contacts with the other sex and get her to counseling ASAP.
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Old 04-12-2011, 01:28 PM   #10 (permalink)
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So she initially said the guy in uniform needed info on being in the military.

Oy.

Yeah you need to have a seroius talk with her and tell her that the cheating and lying ends today or you are gone.

Get tested for STDs.

Why did she lie about being in college if she wasn't?
The guy was a military recruiter from what I understand. Im 27 and she is 24 (as of last month). At first she said that her friend was interested in joining the military so that is why she had met him. Anyone with half a brain knows an army recruiter doesn't meet a client in a walmart parking lot. They can take the info over the phone or in their office.
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Old 04-12-2011, 01:33 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Unless your wife gets into counseling to address her issues this behavior will cycle throughout your marriage. Set your boundaries with her in her contacts with the other sex and get her to counseling ASAP.
I just got home from seeing our church counselor. He states that he doesn't know if our marriage is salvageable because of her history of deception with her own parents and because of her past of being promiscuous. He wants to meet with her and maybe suggest a psychologist to address her lying. He also said that alot of people lie because it makes them in control. So they tell a lie and put a huge story behind it because its their world and makes them feel in control.
There has been multiple times when she would randomly tell me something like "Im sorry im not pretty enough" or "im sorry you dont find me attractive". I treat her very well...buy her flowers for no specific reason (drives her co-workers nuts). Tell and show her that I love her by taking her out and treating her like a queen. Self esteem seems to be a huge issue as well. I dont know what I'm going to do here.

My wife was raped by a marine when she was in college (or so she alleges) so I don't know if any of this has to do with that or what, but she is and always has been very drawn toward military/police oriented men. We got married very quick as I stated after knowing each other for only 3 months. Her parents warned me that she was dealing with traumatic issues from the rape, but me having my love blinders on, paid no attention to it and just thought that mom and dad didn't want to let go of their little girl.
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Old 04-12-2011, 01:35 PM   #12 (permalink)
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The guy was a military recruiter from what I understand. Im 27 and she is 24 (as of last month). At first she said that her friend was interested in joining the military so that is why she had met him. Anyone with half a brain knows an army recruiter doesn't meet a client in a walmart parking lot. They can take the info over the phone or in their office.
Yea, we all know that, so what are you going to do?
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Old 04-12-2011, 01:36 PM   #13 (permalink)
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I don't think you can changes someone's character. Your description of your wife isn't very flattering.

I hope you guys don't have any children. You are only in three years. Lots of life ahead of you. I would walk.
Nope, no children, just two dogs and a cat.
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Old 04-12-2011, 01:39 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Yea, we all know that, so what are you going to do?
I havn't decided yet. I love her with all of my heart and one side of me says that she will learn from her mistake. The other side says that with my work hours and job description I cant be wondering what shes doing or who shes with. I need to have my head in the game to protect myself. We rent a house so the house isnt an issue and her parents are more than willing to be supportive by letting her come home....I saw it coming and I just knew something was going on...she was dressing like she dressed like when we first met...her hair was so pretty and everything..she was going out more frequently..oh and about 2 weeks ago I had met her for lunch and saw that she didnt have on her wedding ring..when questioned about it she stated "I dont want to mess them up"....all the signs were there...I just loved her too much and was in denial.
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Old 04-12-2011, 01:40 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Meh. My W's OM is a military recruiter too.

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Nope, no children, just two dogs and a cat.
Dude... GTFO!!! RUN!!! GIVE HER CUSTODY OF THE ANIMALS AND RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN, DONT TURN AROUND, JUST RUN!!
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