AmIcrazyToWantHimBack

About a week ago, my Husband of 7 years tells me via text by skyping (because I made the mistake to ask him) that he has cheated on me in the past. He admitted to cheating on me twice, and I caught him once, which makes me now knowledgeable of 3 times that he has crossed that line. I went through the initial reactions of shock, anger, and depression, and now I'm finding myself really wanting to work this out. The weird thing is that our marriage has not been good pretty much ever since we got married. We've had issues from the get go, but now that i've opened up to a friend about some of these, and also now that i'm going to counseling, I'm seeing that I definitely contributed to pushing him over the edge. I am not in any way condoning or justifying what he did, because he is absolutely 100% wrong and at fault for making the choices that he did, but I can't help but not see that I did play a part in him betraying me.

Everything before was so messed up, I nagged him, I complained, I was overly jealous, and one year I was only intimate with him twice THE WHOLE YEAR! He wasn't perfect either though. He is a vulgar jokester, always saying inappropriate things, he wasn't very good at meeting my needs, he often lashed out in anger (only yelling, never ever abused me physically, but emotionally and verbally he did) he belittled me quite often, he wasn't really there for our kids, he befriended girls at the gym and also got their personal contact information and texted them, emailed them, facebooked them... etc. But he didn't talk to any of them around me. Whether that was coincidental or not, I don't know. Because I did meet two of the girls that he talked to before, and they did know he was married. Anyways, I didn't know 'til recently why he had so many girl friends that i didn't know about, but now i know it's because he said that i wasn't giving him enough attention. that by the way is a HUGE problem that I have with him still and I am NOT ok with! well, I don't want to go on because he isn't here to defend himself. And obviously there was some good in him as well, or I wouldn't have loved him so much and married him. He was great with kids, he was very caring, he is very supportive financially, and he tries in his own ways to make our family happy, just to name a few.

But, I am not blind, and I am not dumb. I can see that our past wasn't very happy most of the time, and I strongly believe it's because we did everything wrong. We were young, we kept secrets, we lied, etc. But now that I'm older, and I hope to think a little wiser, I now realize that I wasn't the best wife, and I could have been better for him. And I feel that I still can.

He is currently in the military and has been remote for 1 year, and is coming home soon. We are going to have a big talk about things on Wednesday night, mostly about his cheating so that I can move past all of this. But also about where our relationship is headed. I am strongly for working this out, and making changes. I want for both of us to be completely open and honest with one another. I do have hopes that this can happen because when he spoke with me on the phone about what he did, he was crying and very sincere, so it seemed. He apologized for what he did and said that I don't deserve to be treated the way that I have by him. He also said that I deserve better from a man, and because of what he's done to me, he feels he can't ask me to take him back. He feels he doesn't have the right to do it. He is also currently going to counseling and is trying to better himself. He has said that if we do work things out, he wants to be able to give me his all and put 100% of himself into fixing this relationship.

I guess what I want to say is that I'm scared to push him into taking me back. He said he wants to be with me, but he is now unsure of what he wants. I am scared that there might be more women overseas that he hasn't come clean about, and he is either still cheating, or he is trying to stop cheating. I say this too because after he told me that he had cheated, i demanded that he become transparent to me, and allow me access right now to what i could at least get access to with him being away. I asked for all his social networking passwords to include his email, and he shot me down. He said he doesn't want me in there digging for things that aren't there, and emailing girls that are just friends, and starting more fights with him that don't need to be started. He said he would feel very uncomfortable if i was in there looking around,... however, he said that when he comes home, and when he is on the same page as me, he will do this for me, absolutely... I understand the need to have privacy, but i strongly feel now that because he has cheated, i want to have access to those things to see that he is being truthful to me. I don't want to stick around and be intimate with someone who may not be ready to move forward with me. And to top things off, we are PCSing (moving) in less than a month after he gets home!

I don't know what to do. I feel like I should go home if he doesn't let me into his accounts because i feel like he is still hiding something from me. And i don't want to put myself into the vulnerable position of waiting for him to possibly commit to me again, but risk having him cheat on me again. I feel like i deserve an answer before we move, so that I can figure out where i will be living. If he doesn't want this to work, I want to move back to where my family is, which would be half way across the USA. But i want this to work out so terribly, and have us start over and get our marriage right this time!!!

Any suggestions as to what I should ask my husband to help me process why he cheated, and to move past it? And any suggestions as to whether or not i should trust him that he will come around and try to work this out? or should i just cut my losses and leave? I am so confused right now!!!!

827Aug

No, it's not crazy to want to work things out with a cheating spouse. However, the cheating spouse's actions don't indicate he is on the same page with you.

In order to have a healthy marriage, there must be trust. Will you ever have complete trust again? It's going to be up to your husband to restore that trust. That's where your problem is. He is a repeat cheater and he won't live a transparent life. I just don't see that problem getting fixed. That part of the equation is completely out of your hands.

Wishing you and the children well though.

AppleDucklings

NO, it's not crazy. My H has been unfaithful several times and I know I would still give him another chance. However, before I could do that, he would have to be truly sorry for what he did and be willing to be completely transparent with me and he would have to prove he is committed to our marriage. But right now, he is none of those things. He wants to proceed with the divorce.
It is time now to focus on you. Heal yourself. This is your time.

just_peachy

It is not crazy. Surprisingly, male infidelity does not lead to divorce in most cases (unless it it chronic, or there are other unresolvable issues).

You cannot force him to give up his passwords. Even if you could, it would not matter - because it is a matter of seconds to create a new email address with another user name that you know nothing about. This part of the process (transparency) absolutely must come from him for it to have any real meaning.

Marriage is like a house. Both partners must have full and complete access to all rooms in that house, should they choose to go in. There are some rooms that are mostly "his" and others that are mostly "hers," but there are no locks, and both partners can enter at any time to visit, or even stay for a while.

If he cannot or will not be transparent, then you are left only with your own decision - even though you want to make it work, can you live and make a reasonably happy life with a man who intentionally locks you out of rooms in your own house? Can you manage this with a partner who could be keeping Maude-knows-what (from the completely innocent to the incredibly sinister) locked in the basement?

Corkey88

What is crazy is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result! He cheats on you repeatedly yet you continue to give him another chance? Tell me how this helps prevent him from cheating on you again?

Let's look at this like reasonable people:

1. You need to decide if this relationship is what you want and is worth saving?

2. Assuming you think it is what you want, then decide what you need to do to make it the relationship you want it to be. Whether that means some couples counseling, seeing your clergy, etc...whatever it takes to make this this go. Again, this assumes he wants it to. In the process, you can also decide what type of relationship you want this to be...committed, monogamous, open (like you pretty much have now)....

3. Draw a line in the sand for him. This is your limit and if he crosses it, you are done. No exceptions, no more chances. If he cheats again, you are done. Divorce is then imminent. If he chases women in the gym and you find out about it, you are done. Whatever you decide is your limit..that becomes your bottom line and by GOD, you stick to it and make sure he knows you mean business. One way to make him know you mean business is to talk open and honestly about the terms of separation, even start drawing up a document, if he decides to cross this line in the future.

4. Stick to your guns!

Unconditional love is simply another way of saying "walk all over me and I will keep coming back for more". Stop it! Show him you respect yourself and you will not be his "dish rag" any more. If he wants to treat you like a piece of crap, you don't need that and you won't tolerate it.

Good luck to you!

castingabout

I understand where you're coming from. He cheated, but you love him. You'd like to make it work, but you're scared. Welcome to the club.

Wait until he's back home to work on it. The time away from each other might make a difference. HE has a problem, not you. Even though it's your problem now, you can't fix him, only yourself. Get strong and wait for what comes. Wish I could take my own advice.

AmIcrazyToWantHimBack

Thank you everyone for the replies. I truly appreciate that you have each taken time out of your day to give advice to someone you don't even know. It means a lot to me that there are people out there that do still care about the well being of others.

As for me, i just finished up my chat with my husband. Tears were shed, and anger was lost, I may have even broken my knuckle on my hand from punching the desk so hard... not smart.... but all of my questions were answered, and to be honest, they really didn't get me anywhere. I still feel hurt, and now even more hurt because of how easily he was able to do the things he did. I was prepared to hear what came out of his mouth, but the fact that he did things with those women that he should have only done with me, kills me. As a woman, it is almost impossible for me to even imagine myself doing what he did to me with another man. It pains me so deeply to think that to him, it was just sex. To me it was so much more!

I don't know why I put myself through this. I know that I just want to be loved and accepted so terribly by someone, and the man that i wanted it from, did this to me?! Why does life have to be so hurtful? Why did he have to do this to me? How could affairs come so easily?

Well, if you couldn't tell yet, I'm pretty down. I know I didn't deserve this. And it kills me that the man I love did this to me. I can't wait til the day I get past all of this. I hate feeling so low. I know that day will come, and i have a long road ahead of me, but wow, I don't want to face it. Any suggestions from anyone as to how I get past what he did, and pick myself back up? I could use a pep talk right about now... lol.

VeryHurt

I will try to help you although I am in the same boat.

You want to work things out because you still have an emotional bond with him. You cannot just shut off your feelings the way he did. You have no idea how he could have sex with another woman.

You will have more questions than answers for a long time.

My husband was unfaithful to me. I gave him a second change. That was almost two years ago. I can tell you that I am stronger now but the emotional attachment is dwindling for me.

Try to keep busy, eat well and get a good night's sleep. I KNOW that it is hard to do.

Leave him alone. I KNOW that is very hard to do since you still have feelings for him and you want things to be the way they were.

Find a professional to talk with........it will help your sanity.

Good Luck

Corkey88

Once you make the decision to leave, and in my opinion, you should, every day after you will begin to feel a little bit better.

The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step.

8yearscheating

Maybe this will help cheer you up. Been married 27 years today. In Nov. I found out my wife sexting with a "friend" of mine. Once all was revealed, she had two short affairs 20 years ago and had been seeing my friend for the last 18 years. My youngest is also his (recent truth told). In spite of al this, I decided to fight for my marriage and my wife. We are doing very well with the help of an MC and her seeing an IC - I just stopped seeing mine. Will I ever trust 100% - no. But I am happy again and she is back deeply in love with me and it feels great. It takes time to heal to heal the wounds. Both of you need to resolve the past issues - both of you need to work on it and WANT to. He needs to show remorse and mean it. It can work if you BOTH try. The one thing started doing immediately after D Day was working on making myself the better choice and trying to work on the long standing issues we had that I could change in myself. SOunds back A$$wards but it what brought her back. The main thing is he needs to commit to no contact with any of these women and complete and open honesty.

Try - it can work.

Corkey88

All I can is "WOW". I certainly know I could never continue a relationship knowing all that you now know. With trust completely obliterated as it is in your relationship, how is it that you can continue to be in a relationship with this woman? Are you not worried every time you go away on business that she is cheating on you? I know I could never live that way and I believe 99.9% of men out there would also share my sentiments.

Tell your wife she is damn lucky to have you. Most guys would be LONG gone by now.

8yearscheating

She knows that and has thanked me repeatedly for holding on. 26 years is hard to let go of even if don't know what was real and what wasn't. I look back on good times and. Wonder how long before or after them she screwed him. It's hard but she is back in a way that I always wanted it to be. While she fell out of love with me, I never did with her. Maybe I'm a total fool. Only time will tell. It feels great right now.
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NeedingPeace

One piece of advice I think I can give is to never give 100% trust... I read an article within a recovering from infidelity series that said spouses should never give each other 100% trust - this is what helps keep each other in check. Honestly, it made sense to me since I had been giving that 100% trust. I don't know if you can work this out, but if you do, I hope this might help.

8yearscheating

Where did you go AmICrazy? Any updates?

8yearscheating

On the 180 and manning up, can i suggest you read the thread Manning up should not be abuse! in the men's club. You will see my opinion and others without us hijacking your thread to debate it. I have done a very long line by line opinion of the 180 today I think will help you understand why I don't agree with it.