New user to the forum and I really need some good advice on my problem.
I'm 43 and my wife is 39. Been together for 23 years, married for 16 with 3 children, 10,12, and 14. We are both working professionals and have had our ups and downs like any marriage, nothing to out of the ordinary and no infidelity to this point that I know of. She comes from a divorced family, I do not.
Here is my dilema.
I had to go away for 3 weeks for work about 18 months ago. Shortly after I got back I was using her laptop and very innocently discovered she had created a profile on a website meant expressly for 'hooking up' without a relationship . I was totally blown away by this and felt like I was going to get sick. After a couple of days thinking about it I confronted her about it and she was shocked that I had found out. She basically did a lot of nervous laughing and proclaiming that she was just curious and experimenting and never intended to do anything. Now I am quite sure that nothing had happened at that point and she didn't make any actual online contacts so although I was pretty upset I let it go. She deleted the profile and that was that. I couldn't really let it go in my mind though and remained wary but not suspicious. I know her email password since I set it up for her quite some time ago so I would randomly log in once a month or so and have a look.
For several months everything looked good and I let my guard down. One day about 4 moths ago her laptop was sitting out so I did a quick check and noticed several emails for a male co-worker that seemed innocent enough discussing work related issues BUT they ended with her typing xoxoxo, and her name. Obviously I took notice and started searching and found several older emails mainly where he was saying he loved kissing her that one time and wanted more, blah blah blah..... There was nothing really incriminating from her in the emails but she continued to sign off with xoxo. Shortly later i printed the emails off and confronted her one night. Again she was floored and speechless that I knew. It shortly turned to anger that I had been snooping and after an hour of arguing she admitted that he had been making passes on her at work and had kissed her in the parking lot after walking her to her car. She claimed she was totally in the right and had not instigated it whatsoever and wasn't sure how to make him back off without causing trouble at work. I told her that ending the xoxoxo to the emails would be a good start. I told her to tell him I knew what had happened or I would. She told him the next day and according to her and her emails it ended then and there. This I am quite positive of at this point.
Now, where I am today and why I am writing.
For the past month or so I could tell she was very protective of her laptop and would log off or close the cover when I would walk in the room. I saw he using my sons netbook one evening in bed and got the usual log out when I walked in the room so the next day and checked the history on it and found out she had been logging into a site for women to meet Sugar Daddies. I won't say the actual name of the site but it's not had to find. I could see that she had been logging in to a paid account and also she had a new MSM chat account that I was unfamiliar with. OK, she has never been a fan of MSM or similar chat tools so now I was really worried. Some may not agree but I recently installed a keyboard logger on her laptop. I feel bad for invading her privacy but I don't want to be played for a fool with all these red flags. I immediately discovered she had a paid account and a MSM account to support the website she had paid for a membership with. She has been a member for about 1 month now. After digging through the browser history and watching the keylogs I have been able to see her profile on both accounts. On the website she states she is looking for a relationship with no strings attached although that could change depending on the person. She has a few contacts on her MSM account and I am quite sure that were obtained from the website. At this point she has had a few men contact her via the site and make inquires and she has responded but there is no concrete evidence that she has actually met anyone other than emails and possibly MSM chats.
This is really killing me and it has been consuming me for several days now. Do I confront her or do I wait and watch to see if anything happens ? Could this just be an emotional affair type of thing or will it lead to her actually going to meet someone, I don't know. I DO know that I have to approach this delicately so it doesn't blow up in my face with her being pissed that I have been spying.
The real kicker is that we enjoy sex together every few days and that seems to be going well with no complaints from me or her. (So she says) Just last night we made love and not more that 30 mins later she was on the computer doing searches of the members on the site.
In a short email to one of the members she actually says that she has never cheated on her husband but is up to entertaining the idea of meeting somebody for friendship and possibly more.
I really believe that she has not actually physically cheated on me yet but it's a strong possibility if she continus on this track.
I really love my wife and do not want to be separated or divorced.
To say "just an emotional affair" makes it sound as if it is no big deal.
I just went through 2 EA's with my H and I swear it was the worst thing I went through.
Please don't disregard an EA as something lightly! They sting just as bad as a PA!
Put a stop to all this. I am sure you will get some good advice here. Sorry you are here with us. Posted via Mobile Device
Oh believe me I don't take it lightly. I say it that way because to me, once it becomes physical it will be over for me. When it's just emotional, there is still a chance in my mind.
how about you start a fake account on the web sites and start chatting then set up a "date". when she shows up hand her a suit case with her clothes in it. good bye
she is not getting on those sites to meet guys for coffee.
Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me....
She's got three strikes already. Let's break it down:
1. Approx 18 months ago, you discover her online soliciting sex w/ other men
2. Approx 4 months ago, you discover she's having a very inappropriate relationship w/ a co-worker who she at minimum, has made out with
3. She is actively and currently soliciting more sex from strangers online
You have confronted her each time (besides the last time) and she hasn't stopped.
What you have on your hands is a serial cheater. If she won't stop, I can't see any way for you to resolve this.
I can't believe thats it's beyond repair at this point. Nothing physical beyond a kiss at this point anyways. I mean this is my closest companion for almost 25 years and the mother to my 3 kids. I can't concede that its over at this point. I need the best advice on how to proceed and attempt to fix this. I'm not claiming that I may not be partially responsible for ignoring her at times over the years but actively seeking a stranger is a hard pill to swallow. I've got to really think this out before I act.
I can't believe thats it's beyond repair at this point. Nothing physical beyond a kiss at this point anyways. I mean this is my closest companion for almost 25 years and the mother to my 3 kids. I can't concede that its over at this point. I need the best advice on how to proceed and attempt to fix this. I'm not claiming that I may not be partially responsible for ignoring her at times over the years but actively seeking a stranger is a hard pill to swallow. I've got to really think this out before I act.
this was me too, only make it 28 and 3. boy was i ever wrong.
how about you start a fake account on the web sites and start chatting then set up a "date". when she shows up hand her a suit case with her clothes in it. good bye
she is not getting on those sites to meet guys for coffee.
I hear what your saying and it did cross my mind but that would most certainly end things. At this point I honestly think this is more of a fantasy in her mind and that she could never actually go through with it. When a couple of guys emailed her she seemed to back off and didn't pursue a meeting, just talk. In my mind right now I want to sit back and watch and see what happens and have the faith she will back out. If not, I will be forced to confront her. I think she is a bit naive about what these sites are all about thinking the grass is greener over there with Mr. Wonderful. Time will tell.
there is the possibility i suppose that she hasnt had the nerve to act on it yet. just sit back and watch, that will change and some loser will say just the right thing at just the right moment and he will be in there lickity split.
so either set her up to see if she is meeting with guys or confront her yet again and hope it is not too late.
sounds like she needs a boot in the azz, not that im promoting violence against women or anything...just sayin
I think you need to find a marriage counselor. She's getting something from making these contacts, either feeding her ego, enjoying the thrill of meeting someone new, or just the fantasy of possiblity. It's leading her down the wrong path, she should be focusing this energy on finding fulfillment in a healthy and lasting way, like in her marriage, career, family, or hobbies.
Act now, before she does find someone that lives up to the fantasy she has created in her head. You don't need to appologize for snooping, after her previous transgressions, you have every right to know what she's up to. My husband cheated on me, so I have access to everything, even his work email. But he also has access to all of my accounts too. There should be no need to have a private account.
A marriage counselor or therapist could help your wife see that what she's doing is a violation of your trust. If she's unhappy and no longer wants to be married, then she should end it with you first. It's like she wants to dip her toe in the single pool first before diving in, not cool or fair to you.
Until your wife sees there is a real possibility of loosing you, because of her behavior, I doubt she'll stop. In the past it seems her indiscretions have been brushed aside as not a big deal, but they are! Plus, as many of us have said, sometimes you only have a portion of the truth. I'd be giving that co-worker relationship a second look. My husband denied a PA with his co-worker, looked me in the eye and said he never kissed her, but then later confessed to a PA that consisted of 2 hotel visits.
Didn't mean to ramble, but as pit-of-my-stomach has said (was it you Pit?), it's like we see the truck coming and we're all frantically waving our arms trying to get you to safety. Good luck and know you can always find support here. We know how it hurts and are hoping for the best.
how about you start a fake account on the web sites and start chatting then set up a "date". when she shows up hand her a suit case with her clothes in it. good bye
she is not getting on those sites to meet guys for coffee.
Awesome idea! If you confront her with it, she will just deny it, laugh it off as innocent fun, etc. As a loving husband, you will want to believe it. You have the upper hand since you know and she doesn't know you know. By showing your hand, you will push her deeper underground. Believe me, I have made that mistake several times with my wife. Each time I show my hand, she only takes it deeper underground.
If you start chatting with her and set up the date, how could she possibly deny that?
I hate to say this, but I don't think she's given you much reason to have faith that she will back out. I'm having a similar problem with my husband, and as much as I'd like to believe that he would never actually go through with a physical affair, that is exactly where his behavior (and your wife's) has been leading (if it hasn't already happened). Emotional affairs are bad enough and can do as much damage as a full blown physical affair, in my opinion.
As far as your wife getting angry about you snooping in her e-mail, would she be angry if she had nothing to hide? When someone lies or deceives you, they alter your perception of reality, and that is completely unfair. You have a right to know when your spouse is betraying your trust, period.
If it was me, I'd confront her with what you know, and treat it as an affair. The requirements for staying together would be transparency in communication (no more hidden passwords and accounts) and counseling. There's obviously something that's driving her to seek out attention outside the marriage... The two of you need to figure out what that is before it splits you apart permanently.
When these events occured in the past, did the two of you do anything besides delete the accounts and agree that it wasn't going to happen again? That's not dealing with the root cause of the problem. It's like fixing a flat tire by filling it up with air again. Pretty soon, the same leak is going to leave you stranded.
As someone who's been in your wife's shoes to a certain degree, she's on a very slippery slope. It will only take one individual to connect with your wife and offer her what she's looking for, even if she doesn't know why she's there right now. Deal with it before that happens. Ignoring it to see if she'll back out is playing Russian Roulette.
EDIT: And don't let her make you feel guilty for "snooping". Given her past, you have good reason to be protective of your marriage.
New user needs advice quick !! 
