I hope someone here can help me. Iíve never been through anything like this and Iím kind of lost at the moment.
Last week, I came home from a business trip and found my wife of 23 years in bed with my next door neighbor. I thought it was strange for her car to be home in the middle of the day and when I didnít find her upstairs, I went down to the basement and caught them in the act in the guest room.
Since then, sheís gone back and forth between apologizing and being furious with me for telling everyone about her affair including the neighborís wife and our kids. The kidís are refusing to speak to her and of course thatís my fault.
I canít trust a thing that comes out of her mouth. First she told me that they were only together that one time, and then she admitted to a couple more times, and finally the neighborís wife told me he confessed to this going on for over a year.
Iím at the point of just wanting her to leave and never come back, but I have friends telling me to give it a while and maybe my feelings will change once the shock wears off.
Is it possible to get over this and move on?
How do I know that this is the only time sheís done this? I find it hard to believe that she just flipped a switch after 23 years and became a cheater, but thatís what she swears.
It's always possible but how much are you willing to take getting kicked in the nuts to make it work at this point.
Also still living next door to the OM will never make it work. Always a chance of temptation and you'll always see the neighbor which will bring back all the anger again.
You'll eventually hate your wife and start having bad thoughts of things that can accidentally happen to the OM that you might want to make come true.
Can you stomach looking at your wife and then seeing the OM next door, plus the humiliation of people finding out in the neighborhood. Once you pass by people will stare and whisper, that's the guy who's wife was boinking the next door neighbor for over a year.
It will never work out if you're still living next door, no matter what anyone says. You'll end up being that angry, bitter old man all the kids in the neighborhood avoid.
Yes it is but its up to her to be able to live with you when there is no trust. As they sat trust is earned. She will be doing some heavy lifting and most can't stand the heat.
If she is willin to spend the next few years bing watched,policed and transparent then maybe. If your wife can handle being managed like the criminal she is and except these consequences then ther is hope.
If your wife can stand the fact that she has lost alright of freedom and privacy and the fact that she will have to be accounted for all of the time then yes it can work.
Most of them don't like the heavy lifting that is required to regain the trust of a loyal spouse and throw the "you need to trust me " card out there. When in reality they should be saying " I know there's no trust so I'm calling to let you know........."
Don't be affraid to except the fact that you can't trust your wife and don't let her tell you different. She has lost that right and if she's smart will never mention the word again. If she smart she will except the fact that she lost the privilage and it is here choice to stay or leave. But it is on your terms and on what you need to heal.
It is up to her to help you heal and only her continued secrecy that will prevent that.
So yes it is possible to get over this and move on, but it it up to her if you want to take her along or leave her behind.
#1 rule to do not cry or beg, show confidence and strength that you will move on but on your term and your term only. With this additude you will show her that you will succeed with or with out her and it is her tranperentcy and behavior that will either bring her along or leave her.
The last thing you want is her believing that you will "do anything" if she stops and comes back. It is the other way around. " she will do anything for you to keep her'. do not loose that edge.
So many guys will share and except just so they can continue to have there cheating wives in there life. what happens they get walked on. You my friend, most make her believe that you will move on and will not tolorate her behavior and you are more then comfortable in moving on with out her. (EXCEPT THAT POSSIBLITY).Even thought you are not do not let her know that. get it?
If for one secon she belives you want leave or will tolorate her behavior you have lost and it is a matter of time before its over.
So except the fact that it either over now or later and it is up to her to regain the trust.
Why did she sleep with the nieghbor? That also need to be answered. She most own her sh*t and face the music. hidding will doom the marriage
You need to move. = one of many consequenses of her behavior
Your friends haven't been through what you have. Like the other posters have said, you can't heal living next door to your wifes affair partner. Everyone in your neighborhood will know if they don't already. I would make my wife go out in our front yard and pound the for sale sign in the ground. I would also tell her if she gives me a moments crap about it, I would simply tell people who ask why we're moving that my wife was getting schtumped by the neighbor (hand gestures included) and that she can't be trusted. You need to get out of there for a while. Or she needs to go. She hasn't tasted loss yet. She still thinks she can manage you with her anger.
The most important question for you to ask yourself, is how do I personally recover from this ordeal?.
I personally do not believe that an unfaithful spouse can help her betrayed husband's recovery from her affair. How can she? It was she who stabbed her husband in the back in the first place. Basing your personal recovery on her behavior post affair is simply not going to work.
The marriage you knew is over, period. What you have now is simply a legal document. She is no longer your wife in the true sense of the word, she is simply the mother of your children.
Your personal recovery is paramount, the so-called marriage is not.
First, thanks for all the replies. Sorry for posting and running, but Iíve been away from the computer for a few days. The kids are on spring break this week and we had planned to spend the week at my parentís beach house. I almost cancelled due to circumstances, but the kids really wanted to go. I thought it would probably be good for all of us to get out of the house for a few days. My wife didnít really want to go, but the kids guilted her into coming too.
To ease someoneís fears, I am not a tax accountant. My partner and I started a small practice about 15 years ago and he handles the tax side while I handle the audit side. Thatís probably a good thing right now as Iím sure no one would want me signing off on their return.
To answer 2xlosers question, I donít know if Iím defeated or not. There are times I certainly feel defeated. Bit there are also times when I have a glimmer of hope that we can recover from this. I think it would be easier to deal with if she just vomited out all of the details and let me deal with the whole ugly truth at once. This trickling of facts is just killing me. Ever time I find something new itís like weíre back to square one.
I think Iím almost to the point of committing to at least trying to salvage our marriage. I think I owe myself that. That way, if things donít work out, I can at least live with the knowledge that I did everything that I could. She also keeps saying that she wants to stay and work on the marriage and her anger seems to have subsided some over the past 2 days.
I know that I share in the problems in our marriage, but never anything as devastating as this. How do I walk that fine line of dealing with my contributions to the problems without feeling like I am letting her ďget awayĒ with this? I am certainly not willing to tolerate or live with the current state of things. Is it fair to give her a list of requirements that she must agree to before I decide to commit to trying?
As to moving, we had been talking about downsizing for about 6 months, but she was always hesitant. I guess I know why now. Our oldest daughter graduates this year and will head off the college in the fall so I think this may be a good chance to downsize and get out of this neighborhood and away from the neighbor. I was hoping to wait out this housing slump, but some things are more important than money. Besides, the home values in my neighbor hood, while down about 10%, are still way above what we paid for the house and the house is paid off.
Sorry for the rambling post. I just have so much swirling around in my head itís hard to focus. Again, thanks for all the responses. I will try to check in some this week, but I have limited internet access.