Ok...thank you in advance for your time. Long story short...Husband and I have had what I thought was a very successful marriage. Well, Thursday I found out that my husband has been having affairs (non-emotional)..just sexual in nature since 2005 on and off. In his line of work (musician) he is constantly getting hit on and in 2005 he gave in to temptation when 3 groupies asked him to partake in an incident with them. He felt horrible and said that he cried all the way home to me. He said he tried to push it so far back in his mind and did not want to tell me for fear I would leave him (I always said if he cheated on me I would leave). Nothing happened for a year or so and we had a beautiful daughter. I know now that his suggestion to have our child was in an attempt to make me happy and since he could not tell me what happened with the groupies, he thought "how do I make her the happiest woman in the world". It meant so much to me because he was on the fence for so long about children and one day out of the blue he said he wanted to have a child with me. WEll, a year after the one incident of infidelity., he started doing this again but with multiple people. Random acts of adultury that did not have any emotional attachments. He said he felt like he was an alcoholic working as a bartender. The triggers were around him all the time, he started to drink more after shows and hang out. The women were coming on strong. Long story short, what I found out thursday was a shock..there have been numerous incidents of infidelity (4 unprotected sex, 4 oral sex, numerous other make-out sessions). I am lost beyond belief and feel stupid to even be writing this. He is very remorseful now and said he has been sick about this and that he thinks he has a sexual addition problem. He has been an avid porn user since the beginning of our marriage and he thinks this is part of his problem. He told me he loves me and our daughter and never wants me to leave. He wants to go to counseling and try to save our marriage and the reason he could not tell me is because he heard from my own mouth I would leave him after just one infidelity. My heart is broken, I am in shock and I have a very hard time looking at his face. I don't think I have looked him in the eye since I found this out. This is a man that I could trust wholeheartedly and did not cheat on me for 7 years (together almost 10 years) When I think about the horror of this and how he put my life in danger through unprotected sex many many times, I get sick to my stomach. But then there is the other side of me who truly loves him and wants this to work out. Especially since he is a wonderful father to our two year old. We have taken the first step of counseling and in one hour, we only got through a little of both of our backgrounds. In that session, there were things he told the counselor that were indicative of sexual abuse in his childhood. He also told the counselr that he was thinking of quitting his line of work so that things could work out with me. This is someting I would never want him to do.
My question...without knowing all of our backgrounds and such, could there be trust again? I have a hard time believing I could ever trust this man again. I love him so much and don't feel like bolting (crazy isn't it) due to the fact that none of these women were emotional attachments as if that spins this in a positive way. I am living with a complete stranger I feel. Someone I thought I knew but never really did. However, I don't feel less loved because of his complete and utter remorse and want to work this out.
Can trust be bulit again? Right now I can't imagine it but my heart wants to.
i suppose trust can always be rebuilt but it seems right now you have a lot of soul searching to do first. ie - do i really want to stay with someone who betrayed your marriage, put your life at risk as well as your daughter's life? will you ever be truly happy & live a complete life with him? etc., etc. these are questions only you can answer for yourself. take it day by day. that's all you can do at this point. you will have a rollercoaster of emotions to say the least. you will have to decide what you can & can't handle.
as far as his job as a musician goes, can he cool things off for a while & decided later what to do? maybe him saying he wants to quit is his way of saying he's just tired of that life.
Trust can be built again, but I can totally see how difficult that seems today. The 2 things that make this so difficult are that he put your health at risk, and that you both seem to love one another and have a strong emotional connection so finding this out is a HUGE blow to your emotional bond with him.
He is admitting that he feels this is an addiction & that he felt horrible afterward but still kept doing it does sound as though he's being honest, especially if he hinted toward something in his childhood. At this point, I would suggest he get into individual counseling as well, with someone that specializes in sexual addictions because it is a very difficult addiction to overcome. If he needs to get out of the business to remove himself of temptations, that would be the best for all of you. At any rate, hopefully counseling will help him with boundaries he needs to put in place for himself going forward.
It would also be a good idea for you both to be tested for STDs.
I think you are doing enough at the moment by going to counseling and wanting him to get help. I would continue on that path and see if over time you start to feel differently. The more you understand where this came from should help you decide whether you can look at him again and know whether you can get past this. Don't ignore your feelings...just see if they change over the coming weeks and months & you should better be able to decide whether you can hang in there or not.
I think you can get past this, obviously you both love one another very much. Going to counseling is a great first step. Getting checked out for stds is a must. Being open and honest is very important to grow past this and understand the path the led him to this point in his life.
I know from my own experience, getting through a very difficult hurtle in marriage can lead to more of a rewarding marriage in the long run.
Keep talking and keep listening. Don't hide how you are feeling about him, positive or negative. Let him know what you are going through.
newmom-
I don't believe it's trust that you need, so much as common sense. If he promises never to do it again but does, you will never trust him again. I have a better idea:
Tell him that you're not even going to expect him to keep his hand to himself. Tell him that you expect him to try his best to do so, but that if he fails, he must use condoms. Also, he is to report any slip-ups. I know my advice sounds ridiculous, but it is more realistic than trusting him to stay on the wagon.
I am am broad minded so I don't find extra marital sex a big deal. What I do find bad is CHEATING. That is where someone has an affair and lies about it.
Tell him that you're not even going to expect him to keep his hand to himself. Tell him that you expect him to try his best to do so, but that if he fails, he must use condoms. Also, he is to report any slip-ups. I know my advice sounds ridiculous, but it is more realistic than trusting him to stay on the wagon.
It would be foolish to expect he wont slip up again. If he's really an addict, and it sounds like he is, ultimatums like, 'you do this again and its over' aren't realistic. He'll do it again, and you just have to ask yourself if you can wait it out and hope that he overcomes it.
it sounds like you're in shock. You're still in love with what you thought he was. Eventually his actions will hit home and you will really realize who he actually is. when you hit this realization, you wont love him anymore. You'll probably hate his guts. That's the part you have to get through.
Yes, but you must find out if he truly sees it as wrong.
If he doesnt truly see this as wrong in his eyes, (meaning, he continues wanting it) then he won't stop. Is that something that you yourself can accept? This may be something that he wants. He may just want you at the same time.
Let him know that you love him, but you NEED to know if this is something he desires right now. NEED. Tell him to think about it. To be truly honest with himself. If he wants it at all, it will always be temptation for him.
With love, any form of control is not good. You dont want to control him, but you want the choice, period. The honesty to know what he wants.
The thing is, how can he be honest, if he feels that he will lose you?
Thank you for the responses. You are absoulutely right Love Gurus. My ultimatim may set this up for failure and another round of affairs. I am so lost. We both went for STD checks today (Swedish). Unfortunately we don't get results for two weeks. I did make it clear that if he should feel himself slipping back into his old lifestyle to please use a condom. I stressed it really really hard and I hope he doesn't ever use one. I really have to decide if I can handle everything. One minute I am ok and being halfway nice to him (still not looking at him too too much but more). The next minute I am off the chart mad and saying "how could you, how could you, how could you". Mark Twain: that is a different perspective and one that I may have to try to adhere to, saying "i want you to try your hardest and also to report any slip ups". Gosh that is so hard for me to digest but probably more realistic considering stuff I have read about addiction. lJtseng: I thought hate would be there. I really did. If that comes, boy would this be a cinch. But gosh, I never expected I would want to go to counseling. Maybe through the process I will eventually figure it all out. In the meantime...there is a beautiful little girl that we both love very much that needs love and attention. MEM: I am glad trust can be built again in some situations. You made me feel hopeful. I am trying to be open and honest and his honesty sometimes hurts me too. But it will only steer me in the direction I will take whether it be leaving him or staying. Again, I thank you all for your support.
Last edited by newmom; 09-30-2008 at 01:20 AM.
Reason: spelling error
Hi newmom. I think it's totally normal to flip-flop from being somewhat empathetic to 'how could you?' You see the remorse and know he's feeling horrible for hurting you, yet he did flip your world upside-down and his actions affect the most important thing, your family. You sound very grounded (although I'm sure this has made you feel otherwise) and I think your ability to make him feel safe being open with you is the best scenario because as long as he keeps talking and being open and honest about this, the more likely it is that you will begin to trust him again. I'm sure it will be an anxious 2 weeks & I hope all comes out well for you both.
Thank you again. I hope I continue to have the occassional loving feelings (sometimes intensely sexual..which baffles me to no end). I am just going with the flow of the experience and letting myself feel all of it. I will eventually end up together or not. Right now the outlook is very good. I have never felt so loved. Maybe that is why I want to attack him so much. I feel like he is paying attention to "me" and not just what I offer sexually. bluebutterfly. thank you so much for your words..they help me so much.
Oh, hun, going to bed with so many people like that, and not having one on one relationship, you have a higher risk of him bringing something home to you. I hope he has learn from all of this, and the best of luck to the both of you !
Sexual Addict comes clean
