It's been 4 weeks exactly since D-day and I'm starting to feel a lot of anxiety again.
I will try to make this short but it's a truly long and complicated story of teenage sweethearts meet the heartbreak of their first born dying and then getting married for close to 17 years and counting.
I met my wife in a random encounter. We continued to see each other through out town as if it was fate that we were meant to be together. We finally hooked up, experienced the birth and death of our first child, proceeded to get married and then had two more children, with one miscarriage. Bought a house, bought a boat, bought cars, yada yada yada. We've created a good life for ourselves and our two children.
About 5 years ago we uprooted our family from the area we had previously been living our entire lives and moved them across two states, 700 miles away from the closest family member. This was a tough decision but as a family we decided it was in our best interests due to the economy and things changing at my employer. I was able to move my job as well so nothing changed in regards to finances. It actually gave us an increase in income due to taxes, housing, etc.
About two years ago my wife started a massive change in her lifestyle. She was overweight and lacked the self confidence she once had in her appearance. I supported 110% in this change, I myself being someone of a physical fit nut, becoming vegetarian about 10 years ago. She changed her eating habits and exercised daily. We both started to notice a change in her physical appearance and within the first year she had lost an amazing 78 pounds and look FABULOUS! During the following year she started to change her wardrobe. She started wearing thongs for the first time in her life. This was exciting to me, of course :-) She was very keen on looking good whenever we left the house. She was looking smoking hot (and still is.)
Of the course over the last year she started taking more notice of a certain younger male that worked at our local grocery store. He was about the same height as myself, the same build, just younger. She would come back from the store (which become an almost DAILY visit) and state happily that so-and-so rang her up today, pulled her out of the line separately, and so-on and so-forth. Alarm bells started to go off and I mentioned casually that I didn't like her visiting the store as often and to please make lists for items during the week and only go once a week instead of 5 times a week. She ignored my request and continued on her merry way. She was happy, I was feeling happy that she was happy in her own shoes again and life continued.
Flash forward to Feb. 2011. News comes that the OM is leaving the grocery store for good and moving on to a new job. Yippee was my initial internal reaction. Apparently this took her by surprise and made her very unhappy. Near his last day at work she hand delivered him a personal card with her cell number inside (I did not know this at the time.) During that last week at his work she started calling the store directly. She was also texting his cell phone.
Flash forward to March 2011. I knew something was wrong. She was constantly on her cell phone texting and smiling ferociously. I asked her who was texting her so much, she said friends. She put a pass-code on her phone, first time ever. More alarm bells go off. She lost her phone in the house and had a complete panic attack. I've never seen her so upset over any possession in my life. She was frantic to find it. When she did, all was well. Our teenage daughter was alarmed because "Mom is always on her phone. She hasn't cooked dinner in weeks. Look at all these dirty clothes Dad!" (She is a stay at home mom with a part time job.) I'm very concerned at this point but just could not put my finger on it. I'm scheduled to leave for a business trip and have no choice but to go. I cry on flight down to my business location. I KNOW SOMETHING IS WRONG!
Now, while I'm on this business trip things really started to heat up on both sides. I get a picture text of a naked part of her body. I'm excited, we're still good. (Keep in mind this was the first time ever she had ever done that and I never once EVER thought she'd ever text me such things, EVER) I continue to receive them during the week and at one point they are becoming much more revealing and extreme. I can't wait to get home at this point, OBVIOUSLY!
As the week progressed I wanted to do something special for just the two of us so I book a trip to Maui and secure babysitting for 8 days so we can be alone. However, she is still texting like crazy. I'm still miffed. I perform a routine check of our cell phone bill because I have a teenage daughter and want to make sure she is safe. I'm on a business conference call… I notice my wife's text messages are alarmingly high. I notice they are to a the same number over and over. She sent pictures to my number and then this other numbers within seconds of each other while I was on my business trip. No f*ing way these are going to her girl friends. I jump on her computer and search for the number. I find it listed under a women's name that is very similar to the grocery store clerks name. This is starting to make sense. I call the f*ing number. He answers, I ask if this is "So-and-so", he says "Yes", I hang up. HE CALLS ME BACK! I tell him straight, dude, are you texting my wife? "Yes". Did she send you pictures of her p*? "Yes." I'm furious. At her. I talk with him for 30 minutes. I get all the details. I get the story about the note, about the ringing up, about the late night texts till 2 am while I sleep next to her. I'm devastated.
She's working one of her part-time jobs. I drop everything and have a neighbor drive me there. She sees me. She doesn't understand why I'm there. I ask her if she has anything to tell me. "No, of course not." I call her out. She goes ballistic. She said it was fun. She wanted to know if anyone else found her attractive. She didn't think she was cheating. She doesn't show much remorse. I ask her to go to marriage counseling with me, she refuses. I tell her to leave, she does not. I decide to take action into my own hands. I keylog the computer. I'm now monitoring all calls/texts daily. I'm GPS tracking her phone. I've gone off the deep end...
Two weeks ago she finally had her first remorseful moment and broke down crying. She called herself a failure, that she doesn't deserve me, etc. I love her very much. I want to spend the rest of my life with her IF she wants to do the same. It's been 4 weeks now and there has been no contact with OM directly. She did visit his website two weeks ago and this is when I called her out and she broke down.
In the meantime, I've lost 20 pounds. I'm starting to feel amazing again. I'm eating better, getting fit, doing more around the house. We're spending more 1on1 time together. Tons of sex, lots of talking and cuddling. However we don't talk about the affair. She doesn't want to talk about it. She wants to forget it and move on. I can't. It's eating at me almost daily, some are better than others. I still love her but I'm very afraid of this happening again.
I'm leaving on a business trip soon and my anxiety is at an all time high right now. I'm trying to stay strong and focused on my job, my fitness and my kids. It's a tough juggling act to remain calm, vigilante, and not paranoid.
Worst case scenario, it's further underground and continues.
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Originally Posted by Chrono
She called herself a failure, that she doesn't deserve me, etc.
BTW, if you don't know it already.. The above statement is straight out of the "script". As textbook as you will ever find. That is NOT remorse. That is a "fogged", highly manipulative, and self serving statement.
Do not be fooled.
You are NOT paranoid, you are awake. Listen to your instincts very closely. Follow them.
Yeah, I'm trying not to be fooled again as the saying goes...
I'm looking for other "activities" that raise red flags. So far everything looks "clean" and she has been much more involved with the kids, with me, etc.
Right now she is very touchy feely. She is really liking the "new" me, she can't keep her hands off me. It sometimes feels... annoying. I feel as if I may not get my own "space" for awhile. I dunno, this is all totally new to me, I never expected to be in this situation given our history together. I felt that we were "bonded" for life, nothing could break us. Obviously I was fooling myself. I got complacent, I got into the groove of normal life.
But as they say, once a cheater always a cheater... I hope for my sake she does not cheat again. And if she does I'll be aware of it right away and will have a solid plan for myself and the kids. I will not let this break me.
The two of you need to talk about it. At one month you should be talking about it all the time still. If you are not....you are both hiding from it.
I'm 5 months out and we talk about it in some way at least 3-4 times per week. We don't dwell on it for hours anymore, but we still talk all the time.
Its gonna hurt her feelings. So what? She cheated....just like my wife. You are going to suffer for years and she will never feel as bad as your gonna feel.....not even close.
If you are both in pain and not denial, at least you both know that each other are in it for the right reasons. Bottle it up or hide it and you are going to get in trouble eventually.
It's now 6 months later and things appeared to be working out for the better. It's now starting to lapse back into the same old same old way of life. She makes herself extremely busy and thus constantly complaining of being tired. She's hardly home and when she is she's busy thinking about tomorrow and how busy she will be.
I pay all the bills in the household. I also make a very nice income which provides for all our basic needs, provides for the children, provides for her own transportation. I don't see why she needs to be so busy in order to make a very, very small additional income. It's so low in fact that the bank would not allow her to be a co-borrower on our latest refi (She was not on the original loan either).
Now before I get jumped on, I do not mind her working in order to stay "busy" i.e. not bored at home all day, but I do mind her work interfering with our family time or taking priority over our family. Again, we're talking Starbucks money for a fun day with a friend, it won't pay for her car.
Why am I all up in arms over this? I feel unloved, bottom line. I feel as if I don't get any respect. She acts as if she is the one suffering and she is a martyr. She is also extremely, extremely defensive about her infidelity and if I as so much utter anything that MAY be construed as jealously I get lit up on. I feel as if she is constantly lying to me about even little things in order to avoid discussion, regardless of how pointless it may be. Any attempts at trying to discuss my feelings with her turns into "I can't do this anymore, why aren't we over this yet?" from her. Apparently I'm not allowed to have non-happy feelings, ever.
I honestly just want to go back 2 months when I was happy. I felt as if we had a great family summer and now that kids are in school and she is back to "working", I'm now a low priority on her social calendar. I'm just the guy providing a cash flow and a human bed warmer.
She's pretty stupid. She doesn't understand by not working through this with you that she is making major withdrawals from your love bank. Read your first posts over again. Do you notice anything different. I do. Its called bitterness. And when there is bitterness..........contempt is just around the corner. A marriage can survive a lot. The death of child, or parent, or even severe health issues. And yes it can even survive infidelity. What it cannot survive is contempt. Contempt is the systematic devaluation of another person. Contempt is the marriage killer.
Stop being so generous. She doesn't appreciate it anyway so why do it? Let her see that you are no longer going to finance her lifestyle. In fact it would behoove you to start planing your divorce so that in case she decides to file, you'll be way ahead of the game. Hopefully that won't happen but it is better to be prepared than to be caught off guard. In the meantime, click on Dr Robert Glover's No More Mr Nice Guy, downloaded it to your PC and read it many times until it sinks in. And keep coming here more than every 6 months for solid advice and emotional support.
Why am I all up in arms over this? I feel unloved, bottom line. I feel as if I don't get any respect. She acts as if she is the one suffering and she is a martyr. She is also extremely, extremely defensive about her infidelity and if I as so much utter anything that MAY be construed as jealously I get lit up on. I feel as if she is constantly lying to me about even little things in order to avoid discussion, regardless of how pointless it may be. Any attempts at trying to discuss my feelings with her turns into "I can't do this anymore, why aren't we over this yet?" from her. Apparently I'm not allowed to have non-happy feelings, ever.
You have not begun to heal and you aren't going to start healing because you aren't really in R, you're actually still in limbo. It's going to eat at you and eat at you. She's not remorseful at all and actually gets angry when discussing the affair. Look at this guide about Rugsweeping and Remorse. You NEED remorse, its a pillar for R. Without it, your R will fail and you will end up with False R and she will cheat again.
Like morituri said, to her, you're just the paycheck. You need to show her that you will pull the trigger on D, because YOU cannot live like this anymore. The biggest you made, was forgiving and reconciling too quickly before she was even ready for R. Now she's rugsweeping and thinking she can get away with it and you will take it. She's still more concerned with her own feelings rather than the pain she has caused you and the damage to the marriage. No empathy on her part at all. Go to MC and lay it out. Either she gets with the program or the D process begins.
Ugh. Now here I am after trying to talk with her, I'm crying. She actually called me out on it too "What so now you're crying? Seriously?". Sigh. Yes, I'm an emotional person. It took me 12 years to "get over" the death of our first child. I can now speak about her without bursting into tears. Obviously attempting to have open communication with my wife still causes me to cry. Wonderful.
Yes, I will admit 100% without a single doubt that she is rug sweeping. That is her MO. Happens with everything "bad" in her life. In the 18 years we've been together we have not had many heart to heart conversations. Times like these I reflect back on why we got married and to be honest with myself it was really because I felt trapped. I actually wanted to "delay" the marriage 3 months after the death of our daughter but she went ballistic, cops showed up, blah blah blah.
Transparency would be really wonderful. I've asked for that, was told sure no problem. I've lost that now and she's become more defensive about my questions/concerns regarding her activities. I mean, I can track her (unhealthy I know ) but she does have a tendency to not tell the whole truth. Example, she bought a dress shirt for work last night, she stated twice it cost $5 on the clearance rack. "Ok. I just don't see how a pair of $40 pants & a $5 shirt equals $62.", I said. Turns out the shirt was $12 and not on clearance. Is that a big deal? She lied, basically. Those are very typical around here, is that typical in marriage?
Now I'm just rambling, at least I'm no longer crying. I have a lot to think about which sucks honestly. I really don't have time for this right now :/ But it's important for my health and my kids well being. They know something is up with Mommy and Daddy. My son hugged me after she left for "work" again tonight and said "Daddy, I'm sorry Mommy made you cry." ****, now I'm crying again. ARGH!
Oh and one other note; she refuses to go to MC. Last time I mentioned it she put a nice sized hole in my bathroom wall. When the appraisal came up this week I bought a picture to cover it up
Like morituri said, to her, you're just the paycheck. Go to MC and lay it out. Either she gets with the program or the D process begins.
These are the same things my mother told me and I didn't listen She told me years ago I was just a paycheck... I guess I'm just in denial. I'm not ugly (I'm no model either), in fact, she gets pretty jealous when her own girlfriends flirt with me in front of her. It actually makes me laugh a little inside
Stop being so generous. She doesn't appreciate it anyway so why do it?
Because I love her and enjoy providing for her and my children I would have quit my high pressure job years ago for myself if I didn't feel the obligation to provide for my family. I've been on food stamps and welfare when I was 18. I sort of get a great deal of pride being able to provide what I can for us. Again, more denial from me. Showering her with luxury, sigh. I'm definitely a fool for "love", no doubt about that.
I should have visited here more often, that's for sure. I went through some seriously rough times in June when she went to Vegas for "work" with six girlfriends also from "work". I didn't sleep for 3 straight days and I had both kids on my own. It was pretty rough and I put the kids through a lot that long weekend.
Man, I need to get a grip but I'm having a tough time doing it. I will read that PDF on my Nook
It’s obvious from your 3 consecutive posts that you’re hurting very badly now, and I’m feeling your pain bro. But now you need to dig deep within yourself and find your courage because it’s only going to get tougher before it gets better. I know that sounds so cliché, but it’s the truth.
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Originally Posted by Chrono
Ugh. Now here I am after trying to talk with her, I'm crying. She actually called me out on it too "What so now you're crying? Seriously?". Sigh. Yes, I'm an emotional person. It took me 12 years to "get over" the death of our first child. I can now speak about her without bursting into tears. Obviously attempting to have open communication with my wife still causes me to cry. Wonderful.
You’re an emotional guy like me, I wear my emotions on my sleeve sometimes. And that’s fine, but not in this situation. Repeat it to yourself over and over again until it resonates with you: I WILL NOT CRY IN FRONT OF MY WIFE. This is extremely unattractive to her, and you saw with her comment about you crying that she just lost what little respect for you that she had.
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Originally Posted by Chrono
Transparency would be really wonderful. I've asked for that, was told sure no problem. I've lost that now and she's become more defensive about my questions/concerns regarding her activities. I mean, I can track her (unhealthy I know
Why would you lose that? That’s not some privilege that she can just take away. So now she’s not transparent anymore, AND she’s throwing in a lot of effort and time at a job that pays peanuts. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? I really hate to say it, but these are two dangerous signs that she might possibly be back in contact with OM or there’s a new one in the background. I sincerely hope I’m wrong on this. How are you tracking her? Keyloggers, VARs, GPS? You need to step up the monitoring from the sounds of it.
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Originally Posted by Chrono
Oh and one other note; she refuses to go to MC. Last time I mentioned it she put a nice sized hole in my bathroom wall. When the appraisal came up this week I bought a picture to cover it up
She got violent when you mentioned MC? Very, very unremorseful. If you don’t have a VAR, then you need to buy one ASAP, possibly two. You are going to need to protect yourself. She called the cops on you once, she will do it again.
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Originally Posted by Chrono
These are the same things my mother told me and I didn't listen She told me years ago I was just a paycheck... I guess I'm just in denial.
It’s not just a river in Egypt. Even your mom is telling you the same things we here are. It’s time to get out of it for sure.
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Originally Posted by Chrono
I'm not ugly (I'm no model either), in fact, she gets pretty jealous when her own girlfriends flirt with me in front of her. It actually makes me laugh a little inside
And what does that tell you? That you’re still an attractive man when you want to be. Do not live in fear about losing her. You CAN do better than her.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chrono
I should have visited here more often, that's for sure. I went through some seriously rough times in June when she went to Vegas for "work" with six girlfriends also from "work". I didn't sleep for 3 straight days and I had both kids on my own. It was pretty rough and I put the kids through a lot that long weekend.
Yes you should have. She went to Vegas for work allegedly with 3 other GFs? Are you serious? You allowed this? Especially after she just cheated on you? It’s high time you get your balls out of your WW’s purse.
First off, you need to buy at least a couple of VARs. Not just to detect if she has an affair phone or not, but also to legally protect yourself since she’s quite capable of violence. If you haven’t already, stick the VAR under her vehicle seat with industrial strength Velcro. By the way she’s acting, it looks like she’s still deep in the fog, there’s a strong possibility she has either resumed the A with OM, or there might be another one that she met at work. OR she’s simply used to walking all over you. Also, if you haven’t already, install a keylogger or other computer monitoring software on the computers. Since you say you make a good living, then also install a GPS tracking device, OR simply hire a PI.
Next, you really, really, need to implement the 180 fast. I would post the elements of the 180 myself, but when I post the 180, the mods delete it. Others have more success posting the 180. Remember, the 180 is not a tool to manipulate your WW into R with you, that is only a possible side effect. The 180 is a tool for you to help EMOTIONALLY DETACH from her and strengthen your will and self esteem. You need to get stronger and stronger using the 180, so that you will no longer break down and cry in front of her.
Lastly, you need to lawyer up and see what your options are. You have already offered her the precious gift of R and she basically spit in your face. You MUST show her the consequences. You need to file for D, remember, the D process takes a LONG time, so you can always call it off IF she shows true remorse, transparency, and a 110% commitment to the marriage. Its time for you to play hardball. Don’t make the mistake again of offering R at the slightest hint of remorse. She played you last time, don’t get played again.
You being "nice" to her is enabling her behavior. You have to emtionally detach because she will use your love for her to control you. She is walking all over you because you let her.
She obviously has no respect for you, she sees you as weak and a doormat. You need to focus on yourself for once and start putting your foot down and let her know you are the boss of you. It looks like she is bullying you around and if you allow that this will end badly.
If you do nothing she'll have another A again, no doubt.
I'm going to try and hold it together, both my crying and my marriage. I do have a keylogger and GPS trackers installed. What is a VAR? I've been monitoring her separate bank account as well for pay as you go phones, etc.
I just don't understand why after 17 years of myself being faithful even through temptations how she can act as if nothing happened and just carry on like everything is grand.
As for the transparency, it was lost because she is now becoming highly defensive about it when a few months ago she was ok with it.
And now my anxiety is pretty high today; she is at her work although she isn't actually working today for a picture for her work ID and yet her phone hasn't pinged all morning so I'm freaking out. Add in all of the other life challenges and it makes for an extremely stressful day.
High anxiety 4 weeks after, my story. 
) but she does have a tendency to not tell the whole truth. Example, she bought a dress shirt for work last night, she stated twice it cost $5 on the clearance rack. "Ok. I just don't see how a pair of $40 pants & a $5 shirt equals $62.", I said. Turns out the shirt was $12 and not on clearance. Is that a big deal? She lied, basically. Those are very typical around here, is that typical in marriage?
I would have quit my high pressure job years ago for myself if I didn't feel the obligation to provide for my family. I've been on food stamps and welfare when I was 18. I sort of get a great deal of pride being able to provide what I can for us. Again, more denial from me. Showering her with luxury, sigh. I'm definitely a fool for "love", no doubt about that.
