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"Just a friend" needs to go away already

20K views 266 replies 26 participants last post by  BIP 
#1 ·
Apologies for starting yet a new thread. I know someone of you do not like that because it can get confusing but right now, I just needed to start writing. Well, from my earlier post, I said found the proof that my H was sleeping with "just a friend". I confronted him with this proof. He confessed to some things but not all. So, I emailed her and I asked her. She emailed me back and was upfront with me. I thanked her for answering my questions and asked her to leave my family alone. Obviously that did not matter to her none as I was just eavesdropping on my H on the phone with her. He is actually still on the phone with her as I write this. I couldn't stomach to listen any longer. He is pro-fusing his love for her. He is going on and on and on about how "good" she makes him feel and how he can't stop thinking of her and how his thoughts are consumed with her, day in and day out. I listened as he painted a little picture of a place they went to make out at. Now, here is the big twist. She is in love with another guy. She actually proposed marriage to this other guy. But he will not be with her right now while she is in contact with my H. So, she is in love with this other guy, my husband is in love with her. And my H cant see the nose at the end of his face thanks to his fog. He cant see the damage that is being done to our family. All he is, is focused on "winning her and waiting for as long as he has too" (his quote I over heard him say) I walked away right about there. I knew there was more. I knew she was more than "just a friend" I tried to prepare myself to soften the blow because I knew the truth would come out eventually. But it still hurts like hell. My H is drunk, walking around the house in his underwear and confessing his "love" to another woman. Oh, and he also told me that he no longer considers us married. That our marriage is only a piece of paper standing in his way and that he would pursue her with everything he had because she is what he wants and that it's time he (quote) "stops denying himself of her".
I think I need to go vomit now.
 
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#124 ·
I keep wrestling with the same thought apple.. I don't think I want him anymore.. but dammit she can't have him either. It's almost like letting the OW win...

But in the end, we have to remember.. is the OW really winning? Look at the sh*t both of our H's has put us through. Eventually my H will show his true colors to the OW and she will leave before it began. Yours will do it too. And just as sure as they are cowards.. they will come crawling back to us.. and that is the day we will be strong and tell them.. they had their chance.. numerous times.. and we don't need them anymore!
 
#129 ·
Yes, that is how I feel. It's like letting her win and to hell if I'm going to let some homewrecking bimbo walk away with my husband! But, you are right too. What is she winning? A man who would cheat on his wife and leave his family? And I betcha your own feet that if they do become a couple, every thought that goes through her head will be filled with thoughts of me (his wife) and thoughts of will he be faithful as she knows that their relationship was born out of lies and deceit.
 
#127 ·
I do have a rabbit. No worries, Elizabeth, you are safe :)
He has a large duffle bag that he's been keeping his clothes and things in. He took that with him today, so I was unable to "clean" the dog's teeth again today. But on the hand, perhaps he is not coming back tonight? He is still sleeping here, I've got another week before he moves out. But when he does move out, he will be living an hour away and I think it will be good for him to be that far away.
 
#128 ·
it will be good for YOU, I am currently struggling with the decision to ask him to go to his sisters so he can figure himself out, whether he wants to actively commit or not. He told me that he is trying by being home and not talking to other women, I guess if I choose to believe him, I guess that is something. Grrrrrr, I wish I had an ez button right now.
 
#134 ·
Urgh! I feel your pain -- been there and done that. I might add to the great responses I read here encouraging you to stand up for yourself and not be a door mat to anyone -- that when alcohol and drugs are in the mix any kind of selfish, self-centered behavior can be expected in any situation. You mentioned H being in a "fog" and "drunk." If these are issues, it has been my experience that the other spouse (you) has also been effected. If that is the case, I have found much help with learning to care for myself and to require the same from others around me thru CoDependants Anonymous (CoDA) (Google search for more information).

There are some really great resources available to provide you support during this crisis from a variety of backgrounds. I find this blog and other forum formats very helpful. I belong to a number of Yahoo Groups which help to guide and inform my choices in a variety of areas of my life.
 
#138 ·
I'm looking Jellybeans, I am looking. Lawyers just really want a thing known as money and I have none as I am trying to pay off 2 months worth of bills that my H neglected to pay.
 
#140 ·
He's been at the house all day today. We talked about getting the house bills transferred into my name, we talked about when he would be officially moving out. Then, I do not know what came over me but I stood there and told him all about how much I hate him. I told him how he disgusts me and I just let me emotions flow. He stood there and he did acknowledge the fact that he is an @sshole but still as I looked into his eyes, I could there was no remorse. I stood there and sobbed like a baby, letting him know how much I hated him for what he did and then, without knowing why, it's like my legs controlled me, I walked over to him and I wrapped my arms around him. He hugged me back and he held me while I sobbed some more. I then dried my eyes, I looked him in the eyes and I told him he was free, that I had released him. I told him if he wanted to pursure her, to pursue her. I was not going to wait for him, I had not only freed him, but I freed myself and I had officially released myself of any cords that tied myself to this marriage. I gave him a kiss on his lips, I said "good bye" and I walked away. Well, about an hour passes and he asks me if I would go with him to take the kids and the dog with the really clean teeth (hehe) to the park with him. I said no. He said "I want you to go" So, I went. We spent maybe an hour at the park and came home. I went back to my room to use my computer and he came back to the room too and was telling me about some stuff with his job. He then put our daughter to bed and he left the house. He's been gone about an hour now. I feel kind of indifferent about him being gone right now. I would bet my grandma he's off with "her" right now. The thought of him being with her before always killed me, tonight I kinda feel like whatever. I did not like being around him so much today. I found myself starting to "feel" for him. This is why NC is a must. I told him once he moved out, I did not want to see him. I said being that we do have children together, I know there will be times when I do have to see you but those times can be few and far between. I told him that when he comes to pick up the kids, I will send them outside, there would be no need for him to come inside and likewise when he brings them home. No need to come in. The other day, I placed our wedding rings in a box, sealed it shut with tape and wrote on the box "R.I.P. Marriage May 21, 1997 - April 3, 2011 May you rest in peace" When we are officially divorced, I'm going to bury the box, I'm going to grieve, and say good bye. A funeral for my marriage. I think it will be a hard day but I also think it will be good therapy for me in a way.
 
#203 · (Edited)
He's been at the house all day today. We talked about getting the house bills transferred into my name, we talked about when he would be officially moving out. Then, I do not know what came over me but I stood there and told him all about how much I hate him. I told him how he disgusts me and I just let me emotions flow. He stood there and he did acknowledge the fact that he is an @sshole but still as I looked into his eyes, I could there was no remorse. I stood there and sobbed like a baby, letting him know how much I hated him for what he did and then, without knowing why, it's like my legs controlled me, I walked over to him and I wrapped my arms around him. He hugged me back and he held me while I sobbed some more. I then dried my eyes, I looked him in the eyes and I told him he was free, that I had released him. I told him if he wanted to pursure her, to pursue her. I was not going to wait for him, I had not only freed him, but I freed myself and I had officially released myself of any cords that tied myself to this m.
Sh-t, that took some freakin' balls to tell him that stuff! You're strong, woman. Prob stronger than you think. He's a one stupid mother ****er to take your kid around the OW so quickly. What a selfish thing to do.
 
#141 ·
I am sorry Apple, I looked at my rings yesterday and cried. I wanted to write a note to him saying, Here is the ring you gave me, give it back to me when you are ready to be my husband again, put my ring in it and leave it in his truck when he was at work, I thought better of it, and just let it lie. He is on the couch as I write this, and I am not saying a word to him unless he speaks to me first.
 
#142 ·
Good for you, Apple. You did the right thing. But I wouldn't have gone to the park with him. I know, it's hard. But you are detaching. You can do this!

I put my wedding rings into my jewelry box. I also took out all kinds of old rings and stuff I'm going to go sell for scrap gold money. I have this feeling that H came and took his original wedding band last week when he got the rest of his stuff so he could sell it to have spending money for the week with his OW. I'm selling my promise ring and ILU ring and MOM ring. But I'll hold onto my wedding band and engagement ring for now. SO sad. :(
 
#144 ·
No, it's just a channel set diamond band that says mom on the inside. But he gave it to me. And I don't wear it. And almost every piece of jewelry from him makes me sad.
 
#146 ·
My H's cousin stole my wedding band when we were married 4 years. He was an alcholic, stole it when I had removed it, placed it in my jewelry box and went to do house chores (dishes and such).

the next thing i knew it was gone. Wish i had it now so I could have at least sold it.
 
#148 ·
Apple, I read your park story. It was like a soap opera. You expressed hatred, hugged him, kissed him then went to the park with him. What did he do to deserve you, a caring, selfless, beautiful MILF of a woman, going to the park with him? Hm?

Slept with an OW. Awesome. I'm going to find a woman I like, sleep with her again and again because I know that when I get home, my wife will still be there for me. That is exactly what your husband is thinking.

Apple, I'm begging you. Do a COMPLETE 180 or divorce him like yesterday...
 
#149 ·
If he is thinking this way, then why is he talking about how he wants a divorce?
And he doesnt deserve me. I was good to him. I was not perfect, I had my moments but I never cheated, I never made him feel unworthy of me. This is his loss, right?
 
#150 ·
it's hard to 180 a person you live with, but her H is moving out!!!! I did pretty good on mine last night and this morning, although right now it is coming across as angry silence, I guess to some degree it is a little, but it'll get better by tonight. Last night my H slept on the couch, cuz he probably figured I was pissed. I made him get up and come to bed cuz he took the alarm clock downstairs and I needed to be up at 6, and was afraid that he would hit snooze and I would get up late. I didn't say a whole lot this morning either, told me he got on fb last night and didn't do anything he shouldn't do. I said, none of my business not my problem, carry on with or talk to whoever you want, none of my business. I know now I shouldn't have thrown in the carrying on comment, slipped out before i could stop it. He didn't say goodbye when he left, I wonder if I struck a nerve, selfish me kind of hopes it did. Well, regardless Apple, the first few days of a 180 there is bound to be some slip ups right?
 
#151 ·
I think I'm going to make my signature.. "some day someone will love me for the sexy b*tch that I am"

No one JUST deserves us Apple... they should be HONORED that we let them HAVE us. They should be showing us every day how adored, loved and cherished we are. Not treating us like castoffs...

You know it. I know it. I'm not letting my H ever touch me again. Or talk me back into it, just to be treated the same again. The cycle ends with us. We have to stop it. so apple say it with me...

NO MORE HUGS! NO MORE KISSES! NO MORE LOVE! he needs to be begging for your love.. not the other way around!
 
#152 ·
You are right. I've lived with a low self esteem for long enough now. I grew up with a mother I was never good enough for, I married a man I was never good enough for. It's time to stand up just be good enough for myself already.
 
#153 ·
I'm the same way.. My mom forced me to take diet pills when I turned 12.. telling me "no one likes a chubby a$$".. when really I didn't have a chubby anything, I was doing what 12 year olds do, develop.

Low self esteem is a huge issue for us i think... I've had strangers tell me I'm beautiful. I've had people tell me I deserve so much better in life. But I never believe it. Why? to quote Pretty Woman, "The bad stuff is easier to believe".

If my self esteem and self value were stronger and better developed when I was younger, I wouldn't have stuck in this marriage for as long as I have. Not to mention I have serious Daddy issues (have a step father, who was emotional abusive, and never ever showed me any type of love, but I watched him give it to my halfbrother 'his real son' my whole life. And my real dad I met him at 18 and he wanted nothing to do with me).. I know all that forced me into the first man that showed me love arms. I don't think I would have married so young, or put up with it all, if i thought I had value.

I'm learning now. I'm taking steps to improve me. I'm trying to see things in me i like. My favorite feature on myself are my lips.. they are nice and full and so I spend a lot of time really jazzing up this feature lol. It makes me feel better. My therapist advised me to stand naked in front of a mirror (UGH) and pick out one thing every day.. just one.. that I like... Had a hard time finding one today.. but I picked my neck lol

Do little things for yourself that makes you feel better. If funds are low (which I know they are for you right now) they can be little things, long bubble bath.. do your nails.. Just little things that can make you feel better about YOU :) it works honestly.
 
#158 ·
was hoping to avoid the hub today but will have to see him after all. He's getting the kids from school today and he wants me to get them from him at 4. I guess he needs to spend a few hours with "her" before leaving for work tonight. Gaahh, I hate the feeling that gives me. Why does he get to go off and be happy and I have to suffer? I wasnt the one who broke my vows, I wasnt the one who betrayed him, I wasnt the one who did wrong. So, why the hell does he get to be happy and I have to hurt?
 
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