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"Just a friend" needs to go away already

20K views 266 replies 26 participants last post by  BIP 
#1 ·
Apologies for starting yet a new thread. I know someone of you do not like that because it can get confusing but right now, I just needed to start writing. Well, from my earlier post, I said found the proof that my H was sleeping with "just a friend". I confronted him with this proof. He confessed to some things but not all. So, I emailed her and I asked her. She emailed me back and was upfront with me. I thanked her for answering my questions and asked her to leave my family alone. Obviously that did not matter to her none as I was just eavesdropping on my H on the phone with her. He is actually still on the phone with her as I write this. I couldn't stomach to listen any longer. He is pro-fusing his love for her. He is going on and on and on about how "good" she makes him feel and how he can't stop thinking of her and how his thoughts are consumed with her, day in and day out. I listened as he painted a little picture of a place they went to make out at. Now, here is the big twist. She is in love with another guy. She actually proposed marriage to this other guy. But he will not be with her right now while she is in contact with my H. So, she is in love with this other guy, my husband is in love with her. And my H cant see the nose at the end of his face thanks to his fog. He cant see the damage that is being done to our family. All he is, is focused on "winning her and waiting for as long as he has too" (his quote I over heard him say) I walked away right about there. I knew there was more. I knew she was more than "just a friend" I tried to prepare myself to soften the blow because I knew the truth would come out eventually. But it still hurts like hell. My H is drunk, walking around the house in his underwear and confessing his "love" to another woman. Oh, and he also told me that he no longer considers us married. That our marriage is only a piece of paper standing in his way and that he would pursue her with everything he had because she is what he wants and that it's time he (quote) "stops denying himself of her".
I think I need to go vomit now.
 
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#200 ·
Cheers, friends! I just downed 3/4 of a bottle of sangria! Me sleepy. And OW changed the pic to a picture of an alligator. Hmmm. Interesting.
 
#204 ·
He's on the phone with her right now as I write. Is it not bad enough that he's having the affair but he has to throw it at my face? I don't understand this cruelty towards me.
 
#208 ·
does it go against the 180 if I confront him on it though? Am I not supposed toa ct like I dont care? He's tried talking to me a little bit today, I've blown him off, answering with yes or no only. He offered to buy me ice cream, I said no. I'm trying to act as though I do not care one bit what he does, even if that means biting my tongue when he talks on the phone to the cootie queen.
 
#211 ·
I just reread the 180 for the thousandth time. I can't see how to apply it in this situation when you are being so blatantly disrespected! Does he KNOW that you can hear his conversation? Is he being intentionally hurtful? If so, maybe take this approach:
"When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behaviour that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life.

Say something like "Now that we are separating, it is inevitable that you will be communicating with OW, but if you could do so out of my earshot while we are under the same roof, I would greatly appreciate it. I find you carrying on right in front of me disrespectful."
And then kick him in the balls . . .
 
#214 ·
I went on a fake date tonight. I didnt really go out, but I dressed up real purdy-like and made him think I was. (see my thread "I did something awesome") But now that I am home, I want my husband. I want him so bad. I want to lay in his arms. This 180 crap sucks. I long for him so bad.
 
#215 ·
Feel your pain!! we were supposed to have family dinner tonight at a friend's place, and my H bailed. Made me SO SAD, but he said he had to do laundry at our house. Kids and I just arrived home a few minutes ago and H is here, Superman to my boys, and ALL I want is his attention! It's not like I can do a strip tease in front of the TV with the Bin Laden news on!!!!
FRickin' 180! Thank God I have my TAM friends to hang with . . .
 
#216 ·
LOL, yes, I agree. TAM has been a life saver! Each time I want my hubs, I come on here and read through some old threads or just talk. It's be so helpful in keeping my strength up. Tomorrow, I'm baking cookies for everyone.
 
#217 ·
Tomorrow is my FREE night, and I once again don't know what to do. I have dinner plans, but from 2-7, and 10-7am, I'm living out of my car. It's not that I don't have anywhere to stay; I have a ton of friends, but hate to intrude; and the circumstances are so embarassing. And I am welcome to use my H's apt. when he is here with the kids, but it makes ME SO SAD!! I just hate it! PLUS, there is no wi-fi, so how:scratchhead: I do keep my sanity with out you all??

The next day, my H leaves on a biz trip until Sat. afternoon. He'll be wanting to see the kids on Sunday, but it's Mother's Day, and I OWN THAT! I'm looking for hotel deals in our area for Sat. night; a place with a pool and a brunch, and a good wine list!!!
 
#218 ·
Ok, so I blew the 180 last night. I completely blew it right out of the water. I did something I should NOT have done. I had sex with my hubs last night and it was ME who came onto him. I dont know why I did. Perhaps I was lonely? Perhaps it was because it had been so long since I last had sex, that I was horny as hell, perhaps I missed his touch, I really dont know why. Well, the sex was great but I did regret it. We laid there in bed together for awhile and I told him that I still planned on divorcing him, I told him he still had to move out, I told him this was just sex and I was moving on. But I also told him I loved him and he said I love you too. (we actually said I love you to each other several times last night) As we lay in bed, he talked about a bit about "her" He told me that she is still very much in love with this other guy, almost obsessive. He said that she is having a hard time dealing with this guy not returning her affection. He said that she had been so distraught over this guy and my emails to her asking her to leave my hubs alone, that she tried to kill herself a week ago. Now, I think he realizes this was only an attention-getter as her suicide attempt was very weak, only taking about 20 sleeping pills. And he is starting to think about her and her issues. (she is diagnosed bi-polar and she is to take meds for it but I do not know if she does) I think he is starting to realize that he is not sure he wants all her problems. But I also think he is afraid to "dump her" for fear of what she may do to herself. I kinda got a bit b*tchy with him about her, telling him that all the attention he has been giving her has been very unfair to me as that attention belonged to me and not her. I told him I saw what he wrote to her on her myspace and asked why he was not that way with me. At that point, he kissed me and left the room. I then went to sleep. This morning I apologized to him for coming onto him for sex last night. I said I regretted it. He asked me why. I said because now I had to start over all over again, that any progress I had made in "moving on" was now gone. But, I never did tell him I never actually had a date. I played it off as if I really did go out on a date. That, he can still wonder about.
 
#219 ·
This morning I apologized to him for coming onto him for sex last night. I said I regretted it. He asked me why. I said because now I had to start over all over again, that any progress I had made in "moving on" was now gone. But, I never did tell him I never actually had a date. I played it off as if I really did go out on a date. That, he can still wonder about.
Do you really regret it? We are human, and he IS YOUR husband. I would have said "Sorry if I lead you on. I guess my date got me a little worked up. Thanks for taking care of my needs."

At least that's what I would say if my H would have sex with me! He tried a couple weeks ago, but he was VERY drunk, and I knew it wasn't going to be worth the effort or emotional upheaval, so i showed him to the door. I was hoping for a little action last Friday when we had our date-night, but the evening was a disaster.

Anyway, I wouldn't freak too much about your 180 set-back. It's all how you perceive yourself and what you did, and staying consistent in you attitude, even if not your actions. Again, he is YOUR husband!

Oh, and that suicide ploy is text-book. Seen it with a couple OW's in my friends' Hs' pasts.
 
#221 ·
Apple, write down all the crappy things he's done to you and read it each morning. Then detach from this guy! Tell yourself, you do not want this man. You don't. You really really don't.

It takes awhile to get to this place. I struggle with it. But this man that is still my husband is not the man I married. At all. And I don't want him. He has no place in my life.

I WILL NOT BE SECOND BEST!
 
#223 ·
Apple, can a vibrator solve your problems for a lil' bit? Lol. You won't have to apologize to it in the morning and you can ask it anything you want and it won't just kiss you and leave the room...well, I guess it COULD leave the room if you left it on and it buzzed and vibrated itself out the door but it would take a very long time. Lol.
 
#224 ·
Ha ha ha that is funny, KathyGriffinFan. I already got a few of those, lol. Sometimes you need a man though, ya know? I dont know what to do now. I blew everything out if the water. All the progress I had made over the past 2 weeks, gone. Can I start the 180 over or is it too late now? I'm hoping that he will soon realize that this ow is very unstable and he will dump her on her head. I spoke with a lawyer again today. I liked him. He is older and has 45 years experience in law. I need a thousand dollars to hire him. I have purebred champion bloodline boxer puppies for sale, a thousand dollars each if anyone wants a boxer puppy and that will give me the money I need to hire the lawyer.
 
#226 ·
he called me on his way home from work to say he would swing by to change clothes. he is here now. I'm in the bedroom with the door closed but I can still hear him getting ready. Once again, tonight, another woman wins over me.
 
#233 ·
Apple, you need to find your self-respect and fast.

What is is that you DO love about him? The way he treats you? The fact that he's cheating on you openly?

Once again, tonight, another woman wins over me.
What has she won? A man who cheats on his family and wife? A man who just slept with you yesterday? And he sleeps with her too? What is the prize there? He is a man-child. A coward. What is it you think that she is "winning?" A liar?

I know my hub loves me.
Does he? Would you treat someone you loved the way he is treating you? Would you treat a friend the way he treats you? My guess is, you wouldn't.

Of the threads I've seen on here, your husband's cake-eating is one of the worst. He just spent nights in a hotel with her last week, he even told her it was ok for her her to come to YOUR MARITAL HOME and wait in YOUR driveway while he got ready to meet with her and drive off into the night to carry on their affair. He took your children to meet with her just a few days ago in a park, he had gone on dates with her, slept with her all this time.

Is that truly loving? And then you stood your ground finally and then slept with him last night. That doesn't make sense. Life is great for him right now. He gets to do what he wants/when he wants when zero consequence for his actions. You are basically telling him, "You can do whatever you want to me, sleep with someone else, have her waiting for you at OUR marital home, going on dates with her, spending time with her and taking our children, spending nights with her and waffling on finding a place to live and I am totally 100% ok with that. You can do wahtever you want and I will still be here for you to sleep with cause no matter how badly you treat me I am always going to be here for you." That is what you tell him by your actions. Sure, you tell him you're not down with this but then you go back on that by your actions.

If you don't respect yourself, no one else will.

You know you deserve better than how you're being treated. So start showing it.



 
#229 ·
That's the rub dear AD! He loves you but is still looking for something else. Odds are he is cake eating - getting some needs filled by you and some by the OW.

Start using those powers of deduction to good use. Think back to when you were dating. What did you do that made him feel good??

Think about it and then compare it to how things have gone on for past few years.

Have you read His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley or 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman? If not then see if you can get them. I borrowed both from my local library.

My wife noticed me reading them and laughed at me and refused to participate. So what I said to myself - I read them and worked on identifying what her needs are now and then started Pplying what I learned to meet those needs. It's working so far for me! My wife was ready to walk away in 2009-2010. We are on a steady road to recovery now.
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#230 ·
I tried the love languages, and all it got me was him thinking I was just trying to win him back to trap him in the marriage, aka manipulation, now I sit here alone forced to ask him to choose me or her, now he's over at his sisters house and says we are done, I don't know what to do besides going dark, I know what to do for me, just don't know what the next step to take in saving my marriage.
 
#231 ·
Repeat after me, Apple. "I DO NOT WANT HIM." Say it over and over again. I was in your shoes, and now I'm stepping out. It feels good, empowering. You can do this!
 
#232 ·
I woke up this morning and was hit with a wave of depression. I lay in bed staring at the empty space where he should be. I feel so awful. I miss him so much. I just want my husband. I want him with me. He does not belong to her, he does not belong with her. I wish he would move out. Having him in my house is so hard.
 
#234 ·
I took my self respect back, his things are gone, I said I love you one last time, now it's in his court. I won't be the one to end it, marriage is very important to me, but he has to be the one to end it, end it with her, come to me to commit, end the marriage, end our love, our story was pretty epic. I laid there too, very sad, I am very sad now, but to finally have him come and get his things felt kind of good. Now the NC begins. My God he let his fog overtake him again, is that normal? Saying he can't take pressure and **** like that?
 
#238 ·
New here. Read everything. My question is, why aren't you in therapy Appleducklings? He's cheated on you your entire relationship. And you say he loves you? What backs up that belief? How can you not hate him to the core for what he's done to you? He's a bad, bad person. He doesn't have a soul. You're his fall-back each and every time. And if he stays, which is likely he will do, I'm afraid to say, it is only a matter of time before he does it again. It isn't an "if" it is a "when" and you'll be right back here.

The question someone asked about what you used to do when you were dating isn't helping you. He cheated before you got married. No matter what you do or don't do, he's going to cheat. It is the way he is built. And if you don't want to be cheated on, don't stay with a cheater. You are worth so much more than this. I cannot imagine what you've suffered. But I can see the damage it has done to you.

Please find a therapist and uncover the reason you've stayed with him when all he has done is beat you into the ground and show you you are not good enough (so he can keep you in backup position). He couldn't be a bigger abuser or liar if he tried. He's gotten you convinced that if you can win his love, you'll be good enough and that you have to keep trying or else what? You'll never be good enough? Honey, it is HIM that's not good enough for you.

Therapy. Lots of it. And now. If you deserve any gift right now (apart from a divorce that really sticks it to him big time), it is the gift of therapy, to steal a book title.
 
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