Apologies for starting yet a new thread. I know someone of you do not like that because it can get confusing but right now, I just needed to start writing. Well, from my earlier post, I said found the proof that my H was sleeping with "just a friend". I confronted him with this proof. He confessed to some things but not all. So, I emailed her and I asked her. She emailed me back and was upfront with me. I thanked her for answering my questions and asked her to leave my family alone. Obviously that did not matter to her none as I was just eavesdropping on my H on the phone with her. He is actually still on the phone with her as I write this. I couldn't stomach to listen any longer. He is pro-fusing his love for her. He is going on and on and on about how "good" she makes him feel and how he can't stop thinking of her and how his thoughts are consumed with her, day in and day out. I listened as he painted a little picture of a place they went to make out at. Now, here is the big twist. She is in love with another guy. She actually proposed marriage to this other guy. But he will not be with her right now while she is in contact with my H. So, she is in love with this other guy, my husband is in love with her. And my H cant see the nose at the end of his face thanks to his fog. He cant see the damage that is being done to our family. All he is, is focused on "winning her and waiting for as long as he has too" (his quote I over heard him say) I walked away right about there. I knew there was more. I knew she was more than "just a friend" I tried to prepare myself to soften the blow because I knew the truth would come out eventually. But it still hurts like hell. My H is drunk, walking around the house in his underwear and confessing his "love" to another woman. Oh, and he also told me that he no longer considers us married. That our marriage is only a piece of paper standing in his way and that he would pursue her with everything he had because she is what he wants and that it's time he (quote) "stops denying himself of her".
I think I need to go vomit now.
Be brave enough to find out. Put your thoughts there and stop questioning his behavior. You can only fix you. If you are strong enough to survive abuse your strong enough to do it. Posted via Mobile Device
Are you sure love is the reason? The other question is, to love who? Certainly not yourself, unless you think about staying as protecting against fear of the unknown or being alone. Is it actual love or fear? And is it wanting THEM to save you by finally loving you so you don't have to do it yourself?
I don't know the answer but I just don't believe that love is what makes you stay.
They say when you get layed off that you end up happier when you find a new position if you had already stayed in the old one too long. The layoff forces you to do what you should have done anyway if you weren't so married to the known. Fear. Posted via Mobile Device
Very much so. Your fog is covered in the good moments and loving feelings that your marriage once contained.
The reason I think you are in such a thick fog is because your husband conditioned you to believe he was perfect and every bad thing that happened was your fault. Years of emotional abuse can't be fixed over night. For your sake, I hope he leaves soon.
Yes I agree BS' can be in a fog. The fog of wanting to believe this isn't happening, that their spouse wouldn't cheat, etc.
In the casese where one spouse has moved out and said they want out or are moving out and are done and are carrying on with the affair---the BS who believes they'll change and waits for them is in a fog also sine they won't believe their words and take them at face value.
No, I know I am a good person. I have good friends. I'm smart, I'm honest and loyal. I never cheated once on my husband during our marriage. I would make someone a very good wife. It's just too bad that the one I made my vows to, did not see me for what I am worth.
Or is it a shame that you saw more in him than he is worth?
Or is it a shame that you never saw in yourself your own value?
This part is on you. If you can wake up to that part of the equation, you can do something to alter your future. And you do want a better future, right?
So what are you going to do today that has nothing to do with him that will bolster your self-confidence? Exercise? Take a course? Join a club? Go back to church? What does Apple want out of life?
Today someone mentioned that it is easier to say what you don't want than to figure out what you do want. Something to think about. Posted via Mobile Device
I think therapy would be a good idea. I will be looking into that. And I go to an actual university. I also work for the university where I attend classes.
Support groups are often monitered by a therapist. At least my Seperation/Divorce group is. Well hes a Pastor/Therapist. and its free so that helps. I find it helps just having people you can talk to.
Since I've never been... do you rehash the cheating bastard's behaviour or what your role was in the situation? Or is it about grieving or about all of it?
Just seems to me that individual therapy would be focused on Apple and not time shared with others. For commiseration you have this place. It took years for Apple to get so beaten down. She deserves some 100% focus on her for once. Someone giving her undivided attention. It will also be easier to talk about background issues that contributed to why she is how she is.
I get the sense that Apple is afraid of individual therapy. Posted via Mobile Device
I just spoke to my counselers office today, they do have a sliding pay scale, since I have no insurance right now, damn right I am gonna hit that ****.
All I ever wanted was my family. All I ever wanted was to be wanted. I made my family my life and now all that is being taken away from me, so of course I want to fight for it. It's my family. They are worth it to me. Clipclop, I did take your advice and I found a therapist who would do a sliding scale fee an I set up an appointment for IC. I also found a divorce support group in my local rea too.
All I ever wanted was my family. All I ever wanted was to be wanted. I made my family my life and now all that is being taken away from me, so of course I want to fight for it. It's my family. They are worth it to me.
You were doing your job! You were loving your family! You didn't know the wheels were coming off; how could you? He didn't tell you! My H didn't tell me . . . he told me he loved me, that things would get better, that I was the best wife and mother in the world. So sad, I believed him.
This guy, what he's doing to you, is just plain awful.
I hope he leaves the house soon.
From what I've read on here, there are some stories of women who have forgiven their husbands cheating, whether that be EA/PA, repeatedly...only to avoid the inevitable. Divorce. They only succeeded in prolonging the situation but it did not save the marriage. Some men, and women, just don't want to be in that particular marriage. It is an awful thing to do to your partner, but if they allow it to happen over and over again, the offending spouse will continue their behavior.
Don't waste years of your life on this guy, just to avoid the inevitable. You'll only wish that you had those years back.
While I realize that you said that you know your husband does love you, I'd have to say that yours is one of the more difficult situations on this board.
I have no idea what pain you most be going through, as I've only experienced the EA portion of it, my H never went physical.
With that being said, it must be hard, but I know it will be only be harder for you if you keep clinging to this dysfunctional relationship that is anything but a marriage.
I hope you start to begin to let go and accept what is going on. You will never understand it, that goes without saying, but at some point, you're going to have to accept it as reality and begin to let go and move on.
I do get some one on one time in my group sessions.. but just having a support system helps.. as I have NO ONE to really lean on here. I mean I have friends, but they have their own stuff going on. Most of the people in support group are going through something simular and can relate. It has been monumentally helpful for me.
We work on Motivation, self confidence and a whole plethra of other things. I have found it extremely benificial and would recommend it to anyone.
I would also recommend IC .. as I do that myself as well, to focus on my own personal issues and not everyones as a whole.
Well, you know, Lily, if you didnt live on the wrong side of the state, we could hang out! LOL
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