I'm not even sure how to start, this will no doubt be a long story. Last Tuesday night my whole world came crashing down on me in a matter of 5 minutes.
We have been married for 6 years and have been together for almost 13. Our children are close to 4 and one just turned 2.
The woman he had an affair with has been in our life for about 4 years now. And nearly 3 1/2 of those years, I've dispised her and stressed to my husband many times that I felt that she was bad news.
She would show up at many events, parties at our house, parties at other mutual friends houses and just get a little too close for comfort. In the beginning my husband was trying to set up one of his single friends with her but they never really hit it off in that way. But remained friends. She would always show up at these places with him, if he left, she'd still be there and hang around my husband and I. Which made me really uncomfortable and put me in a situation where I felt like I had to make her feel welcome when in fact she wasnt.
About 3 1/2 years ago a couple of her college friends told my sister in law that her track record was going after married men. Since then I had this horrible feeling about her.
My husband would come home with left over food, cookies, cake etc that she had made. He just said, she likes to cook and brings me the left overs. It just felt wrong. She would buy my children gifts for no apparent reason. He just said, she's just trying to be nice and that's the kind of person she is. I didn't like it.
I was made to feel like I needed to be nice to her and make her feel welcome, all the while I didn't approve of her and her behavior.
She works for a company that happens to be one of his customers. So they sort of had to talk because of work. I would find texts and e-mails and her number in his call log on his phone. He swore up and down that there was nothing between them. And I convinced myself that he was right and that she had a thing for her but he didn't feel the same way. We have fought about her on many occassions and he would always agree that she just gets too close and would swear that he would distance himself, but since they had to work together and had mutual friends it was hard to cut ties all togehter and I just sort of had to accept that.
I've never been a jealous wife, and have always thought that we need to live our own lives as well as our lives together. And felt like I've always been cool about letting him go out with the guys when he wanted.
Over the years it was rumored that this woman was a virgin, which I truly didn't beleive and didn't understand why she would tell people that if it weren't true. She seemed very promiscous so I had my doubts. Well one day my husband told me that she was pregnant, I thought, ok so she has sex once and gets pregnant, wow that sucks. She lost her job about 3 months ago which was right after she had the baby. I thought what company in their right mind would fire someone on maternity leave!? He just said, becaues their business is new home construction that she was laid off. But still, that's pretty risky for a company to do that regardless of the economy. And as time went on I'd find more texts between the two of them. The last one was her asking him when he could come over which was just about a month ago, which was just about a month ago. That was the last straw, I said that's it, you don't work together anymore, there should be no reason to have any more contact with her. He agreed, as he always did with me when I brought up how I felt about her, and sent her an e-mail which I requested him to copy me on, telling her that their friendship is getting in the way of our marrige and he cannot have me feeling like she has an alternative motive.
Well last Tuesday, my husband told me that he had dome something bad, I just knew what he did, he didn't even have to say the words.
I said, you slept with her didn't you. He said yes. I asked if that was his baby and he said, yes. I came to find out she lost her job because the owner of the company got wind of who the father was of the baby and being the very strong family man he is, let her go because of it. Which in turn has most likely hurt his business with this client. The next morning I asked him to move out, and he has been living with his parents.
On top of dealing with a mortgae fraud situation that has ruined my credit rating for probably the next 10 years, recovering from post partom depression after my second child and an eating disorder that stemed from the depression, almost losing my father to a heart condition about 5 months ago, having an ulcer, and then thinking I may have cancer. I thought I had dealt with as much stress as I could, but this has by far topped all of that. And I'm still dealing with a couple of the other stressors above.
He swears that if I give him a chance that he will spend the rest of his life proving that he's changed and will do anything to be with me and our children. The thing is, my husband has been treating me like crap for about 7 years, and I used to wonder why I ever married him some days. I've always just sort have been along for the ride in this marriage, never really a partner who was concidered a thought in most decisions that were made.
I could go on and on and on about all of the inappropriate things she has done and made me feel like she was bad news, not to say my husband was innocent in all of this, but she was the instigator and just wouldn't leave us alone. And flirted with him all the time and right in front of me. Which I'm sure boosted him in a way he hadn't felt in a long time.
I'm just so distraguht and not sure where to turn and what to do. If I leave him, then my two little boys don't have a full time dad in their lives, but if I stay, then I have to accept the fact that she will never go away and will forever be intertwinded in my future. She will no doubt request child support which will be taking away from my own children's financial future. And I truly beleive that my husband needs to own up to what he's done and be a part of this baby's life. I just cannot wrap my mind around all of this.
Any comments or suggestions are greatly appreciated.
Sounds like it's either intensive counseling or you have to move on. Only you can weight out the pros and cons of staying with him or not and if you can forgive him.
im sorry, but i think your husband is the stress here. he is the cause - couldnt say no and this has been going on a long time, that i dont think you wanted to see.
if you leave - you can have your own life back. your sons wil stil have a dad, possibly a better dad and then you get time for yourself to adjust and maybe meet someone, who wil appreciate you for you. i think his lies over the years are really what he thinks of you.
how unfair!
but if I stay, then I have to accept the fact that she will never go away and will forever be intertwinded in my future. She will no doubt request child support which will be taking away from my own children's financial future.
Wow....this is a really really tough situation.You have been in my thoughts all day.I am so sorry that your going through this, my heart goes out to you. It's hard to imagine you could find any good in all that has happened, but you know the truth now . Illusions do not make us happy, they cause us to wander through life, bumping into barriers that are invisible to us because of the illusion that is created. Truth, on the other hand, reveals those barriers, and sheds light on them so that we can see well enough to overcome them. You mentioned his lack of interest in the marriage and that left you wondering why your marriage was not more fulfilling and more intimate.... Knowledge of the affair make it clear why all efforts have failed. I think everyone intuitively understands that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through hell. What woman would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity? I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. In short, it's hard enough to restore a marital relationship when a lover is finally out of the picture. But it's almost impossible when the lover is still hanging around.
The first act of compensation to you from your husband should be to end his relationship with the other woman once and for all. He should never see or talk to her again, even if it means leaving his job or moving your family to another state. The reason should be obvious, but in case there's some confusion, he should be reminded that every contact he will ever have with this woman will be like a knife in your heart. He has already caused you to suffer unbearable pain, and any further contact with his ex-lover would keep you suffering. In your case, the affair is probably over, but because there is a child involved,she will always be a part of his life.I don't think anyone could ever really forgive and move past the affair if the husband has to maintain contact with this other woman.
Forgiveness is something I believe in with all my heart. I forgive others and have been forgiven many times.God wants us all to be forgiving just as he has forgiven us.The first decision you will face is whether or not to continue being married at all. Your husband's affair is bad enough, but now you are faced with the prospect of him raising someone Else's child.
There are many important issues to consider in deciding your future together. If the baby were his only child, and if your husband is still in love (or wants to be) with his ex-lover, who happens to be single and wants to marry him, I would lean toward encouraging you to divorce. But since YOU are the mother of his two children, he no longer loves his ex-lover, and wants to save your marriage, I would encourage you to remain married and raise your children together.But before anything,
I suggest he has a paternity test before making "ANY" decisions.This baby could be some other guys! She sounds like definitely the stalker type, not to mention "needy as hell" to pursue a relationship with a married man and allow herself to get pregnant knowing that.If she was as persistent as you say she was, then i wouldn't put anything past her.A few years ago, one of my grammar school friend's told me about some CRAZY Fatal Attraction girl she worked with had gotten pregnant by someone else and blamed it on the "married" man she was seeing so that he would leave his wife for her.He did and then married the girl.Two years later he found out the kid wasn't even his! So you never really know....get all the facts on the table before you decide what you are going to do.
Your husband isn't as innocent as you might think. He could have said no at any time. He had a marriage and children and chose his own self pleasure over family.
If you stay or leave your husband will be stretched thin with child support. He isn't going to be able to be the provider he once was. The fact that he got himself into this mess says volumes.
Now he wants to break things off when you have wanted that all along. He can't have it both ways.
The more things that are in your life causing stress the worse off you are. As you said he treated badly for many years and wondered why you were with him. Maybe a long seperation can shed light and counciling atleast for you.
Your kids can always have a father, but it will be up to him to step up if you seperate or divorce.
I wish you the best and hope you keep us up to date.
I feel you Jewels the same thing happened to me. I am still with my husband though. I feel like a fool but you were smart because look at the situation. He cheated without using protection. That to me means he didn't really care enough about me to use protection. Now I'm still with him and guess what, he is still treating me like sh*#. I want to leave but I don't have the funds yet. I don't want to live with my family or friends. we have three kids who would be hurt so badly if we separate but I got to do what I got to do. The girl told me that she has the baby next moth, November. I can't look at him or that baby if it turns out to be his. I am emotionally a wreck. I also suffer from depression.
Have you been to counseling? You need someone to help you sort through this. With all the stress factors you have (too many for one person!), you need someone to guide you through this situation before you have a nervous breakdown. Take a deep breath and know that nothing has to be decided immediately. You need to be able to work this over in your mind and decide what's best for you and the children. I'll pray that you will have some clarity and peace in this situation.
Husband cheated and has a baby with her
Re: Husband cheated and has a baby with her
