Ok, D-Day was November 12th 2010. Wife cheated on me (3 month EA and minor PA). We are in our early 30's and have two kids ages 5 and 7. Married for 11 years.
Everything has pretty much been based case scenerio as far as post-infidelity goes. We are both 100% committed to our marrige. Affair is over for sure...no doubt. We have talked and talked about everything there is to talk about. I feel like she has been honest with me (although you never trust the story 100%...I'll admit that)
So now I guess its time for me to move on and stop being a victim. I still bring it up all the time and that is just dragging us both through the mud day after day. Its been 5 months of pure hell for me.
My worry is that I cannot move on and stay happily married without carrying this pain around forever. I mean....I hurt because I care right? Do I have to stop caring to stop hurting? Do I have to convince myself that intimacy and love between us is nothing special...just something she happens to be giving me at the moment?
I'm very confused about this, and honestly don't know how I'm supposed live with her for the rest of my life without suffering this pain every day. I love her....truely love her, and want to be with her. I just don't want to hurt like this till the day that I die.
How about you folks that are a few years out?? Did you find that you had to let go some of the love and caring for your WS to get over their infidelity? That scares me....because I don't want to feel like that. Or does it get much better in time, and my 5 months has not been nearly enough time for it to all dull down in my mind?
I'm 14 going on 15 months since I started caring (D-day). It does get better......wait......it dulls down.
In my case I was the abusive husband who didn't care so its hard to give perspective, but once I confronted my wife and we aggreed to changes it kind of gives a goal. I really didn't for years and she slept around so I guess I'm trying to say there was a reason we had a unhealth marriage and we reconize it and now work at it better. So in my case I'm tring.
I think its not so much not caring as it is having confidence in your self to have your boundries and working towards a healthy marriage.
Give yourself time. At five months out, those wounds are still pretty fresh. Don't stop caring- you'll become cold and bitter. If things are going well in your marriage now, embrace that. If your instincts are telling you that the worst is behind you and you both are all in, don't stop loving and caring. Your marriage will never survive if you do.
Just let time heal your wounds. When you feel down about what happened, you have to make an effort to stay in the present. If things are better now, that's what is important. You'll have good days and bad days, but those bad days will grow farther apart. I hope things work out for you and your wife. If you make it through this, things can be even better than before.
Thanks for those thoughts. I've read them all twice and I'm sure I will again in the morning. These are things that I have been trying to tell myself. I don't have anyone close to me that can give advice on these things or share experience.
Two-Time, your comments seem to hit home a little as far as my "fairy tale" issue. I did do my part in setting this up, as in I was not the best husband in the world. I could have been a heck of a lot better. But I always thought that something like this could not happen because it was not supposed to....after all I would have never done this to her.
And I now know that is not a realistic expectation. A realistic expectation is that if I am not doing my part to make my wife happy, she "may" leave or find someone else to make her happy. There is no "fairy tale" that is going to keep bad things from happening in a marrige. Shame I had to turn 34 to grow up about that.
If you R---it takes approx., 2 to 5 yrs---to get back to a decent living situation
As to the pain and hurt---that may never really go away---your wife is gonna trigger you, and as long as she is there in front of you day after day---you will remember
Your sub-conscious works on you with visions, and when you are alone--probably all you think of is her with the other guy----You can try counseling---but no matter what you CAN'T turn your sub-conscious off
What would make it go away--is for you to get out of the mge---then she is out of sight-out of mind---and things do ease up--cuz now you are into a new life, and thinking/concentrating on new exiting things---so the misery fades and goes away
How it all plays out depends on the choices you make
jnj express: you are entitled to your opinion. you have me the same advice. Have you considered the posibility that getting out of the marriage may not make things better? If I ended my marriage, I would mourn for years what I lost. I would still feel that I lost the love of my life. I would still feel betrayed by the person I trusted the most. I would not trust again with someone new.
The core issue is to discover what caused the person to cheat and see if that can be fixed. Then one needs to get over the concepts that they held sacred and accept that their marriage has changed. People on this site are here mostly to save their marriage. If not, they would be on the divorse site. Please, as you've been asked before by others, do some healing yourself before you **** all over people who want to heal. I know your advice is well intentioned, but it really is hurtful to those that need support and help.
My wifey cheated on me one time before we were married while we were dating. We never actually discussed exclusivity at that point but both our rather conservative nature in these things, it was understood. She told me about it the next day. Of course her excuse was I was being mean so she had to. Or something. Frankly I stopped listening to the good reason about 2 seconds into her explanation. If she cheated since being married the marriage would be over in about 10 seconds. Forever. No second thoughts no question no discussion no hesitation.
I think everyone is aware of the fact that the choice to stay or go is theirs to make. The problem I have here is that this is a thread started by a person who, for the time being, has chosen to work on his marriage. He stated that he and his wife are committed to trying to make their marriage work. From what I understood, the purpose of this thread was to give this man some perspective on what to expect emotionally, over time, while he and his wife are reconciling.
What some posters seem bent on lately is peppering threads with negativity and planting seeds of doubt. When someone is looking for support and encouragement, it just seems wrong for people to bring them down instead. It's starting to seem almost intentional. I'm sure it's not. Someone surely couldn't get enjoyment out of that, right?
it-guy, leaving your marriage is not the only way to make the pain go away. Many people here can tell you that it does get better with time and marriages can survive infidelity. The main prerequisite is that both parties have to want it and take responsibility for their part in the breakdown of the marriage. If you've got that and you're both working on the problems in your marriage, it can work. Posted via Mobile Device
I'm ok with what jnj express said....no harm taken. I can see it as ones strong opinion towards leaving the marriage. Itís only natural for us all to have strong feelings one way or another based on our personal reasons for posting on this site.
Yes, I have chosen to stay in the marriage. I do love and adore my wife. She's my friend, we get along, we can work together (wedding photography on the side of all things...lol), and she turns me on. We had mind blowing sex last night....just spontaneous and not planned. And, great kids that I want to raise stable and happy.
For all these reasons she was able to hurt me like no other person in this world can hurt me. And I'm just waiting for this pain to go away somehow. It just does not seem fair that to keep what you want the most...the woman, family, and life that you had, you have to endure so much hurt. It uproots you. It knocks the foundation right out from under everything in your entire life. I feel like I've had a brain tumor removed and now I have to learn some of lifeís most basic functions all over again.
Yes, this is a big ol pity party. Sorry about that. After all this was partially my fault. She is not a mean person and, she was not thinking about hurting me when she did this. She was just going after some happiness in a very bad way. I guess part of this is about venting.
I do appreciate the comments by everyone on here. I'm going to keep walking around with a smile on my face. We've talked about this. She knows that I'm putting this smile on my face as an effort to get us out of the mud. We are just trying to live life well and let some dag on time pass. And I hope I'm like many other people on this forum in a couple years. I want to look back on this and say, wow, it sure did get better with time.
Hey this crap ant easy and time will help. I grew up (manned up) at 43 and can't believe we made it to our 20th anny. But as far as I'm concerned we just got married, I married the same person with different behaviors and vise versuv.
We arent looking for the good old days b/c there weren't many. But we got good kids that are almost grown and on there way to college, so now its a new chapter......a new book to start all over again.
Thank god we started young now we have healthier behaviors and more understanding, less expectation, and a goal.
We really never had this before....I mean we raised our kids and were there for them as much as a bunch of young alcholics that partied and when it came to each other there was the kids and sex and that was it she did her thing and I did mine and it all got away from us until one day I changed for the better and my W choose to come along.
Good for you Guy, I wouldn't say stop caring, I believe it will get easier with time, for myself in my situation it took a massive implosion to pull my head out of my ass, he isn't on the same page yet, we are living together and sleeping together, conversing, etc, for the most part acting the married couple, he is still holding back not willing completely to commit, I will give that time for now, I struggle with the caring/not caring. I personally fight myself all of the time to not put those walls up, because I don't want to allow myself to get to the point where I have such big walls up that he will have to tear them down, because that will make things worse. Give it some time and take it one day at a time, I have my moments of immense pain, my husband? I am not sure, but I feel a heck of alot better now than I did a month ago, or the month before, much luck to you my friend.
If it is well behind her and she is committed to moving forward you need to trust her. She has broken your trust, and it is hard to truly move on from that. It is her job to reestablish your trust, and it is your job to try to be positive and to let her do what is necessary to show you that she is committed to your marriage.
What things allowed her the opportunity to cheat before? Is she avoiding those opportunities? Is she keeping the other person out of her life? If she keeps that other individual in her life, and if she keeps doing things that leave her vulnerable to a relapse then she is clearly not committed to the straight and narrow. I'm not saying that to be mean, I'm saying that honestly, steps need to be taken to avoid these things! No one is perfect, NO ONE can avoid the temptations they put in front of themselves, I don't care WHO they are! If you freaking love lattes and you purposely drive a route nearby your favorite coffee shop, chances are you will go buy a freaking latte!
Also, it is important to confront the issue at hand - what made her stray? That is not to say you should blame yourself - you are who you are, she is who she is, but after eleven years of faithfulness what caused the break? What does she need to feel strong in your guys's relationship? What do you need to feel strong in your relationship?
It is not constructive to bring up her cheating, no matter how much you want to, no matter how related to an argument or issue you think it is. I know that that is what's on your mind, trust me, it's on her mind, too. And she is dreading the thought that it's on your mind, and she is wishing she could go back in time to change what happened. But she can't. Neither of you can. You can only stay the course, and try to move forward.
Keep the line of communication open - you both need to check up on each other's happiness and security. It is important that, when these issues are brought up, to not take comments personally if they are spoken in a sensitive way. This is a huge problem when dealing with these issues - trying to communicate feelings while each person is taking everything personally as an attack! It's not. It's just an effort to share so you both can improve and move forward.
Time does not heal all wounds, but time does help us learn how to cope and how to move on even if everything is different. If you are both committed to each other, to your marriage, and to love, you will find a way.