ok here it comes.. it might be long sorry... *deep breath*
I met my H when I was 16 and he was 18. I had the hugest crush on him while cruising the high school hallways. He is tall dark and handsome. So when he turned his sights on me, I was thrilled. We were so in love, and so happy, we couldn't spend time apart. We moved in together when I was 17 and he was 19. We were married when I was 19 and he was 21.
Things were ok, His family never really treated me well. I don't drink and his family are HUGE drinkers... they drink all the time and get trashed when together. This caused me to not spend much time with his family and caused a riff early on in our marriage. They called me uptight.. and I called them drunks. So one year into our marriage I took some time to think.. went and stayed at my parents for a few weeks. At the time I was so crazy in love with him I decided I could just not go to family events on his side and just "get along" with them if I had to. Which worked out fine for the most part.
About 3 years into our marriage I noticed my H's interest in pornography was becoming quite disturbing. It used to be a subscription to playboy and once and awhile we would watch a softcore together.. pretty mild stuff. I noticed magazines starting to pop up that depicted very young looking girls dressed up in school uniforms. This upset me quite a bit, I told H that if we were ever going to have children I wouldn't allow his perversions around. He threw out the magazines, actually made a big production out of it and burned it.. little did I know there was lots more I didn't find.
fast forward a few years .. we have our daughter. I hadn't noticed any more porn issues, but with a baby coming, work, and everything else going on, I really wasnt paying that much attention. After I had my daughter I went back to work everything was going fine.. so I thought.
We had bought a computer, for my H to contact his brother while he was deployed. My H and his brother were very close, so I knew that he would need something to contact him occasionally. I was working late day shifts at the time, at a bank(call center). I came home from work, and I find my H... sitting at the computer.. watching pornography. With my daughter (who was then 2) sitting in his lap. Needless to say I flipped out! I mean FLIPPED OUT!.. I screamed, I yelled. And the next day I quit my job. I couldn't leave him home alone with my child for him to do THIS! So I became a stay at home mom, babysitting my daughter.. and my husbands pornography addiction. Which at this point had turned to really hardcore BDSM type things. I also installed a keylogger into the computer. Found out a few weeks later that he was on a chat service pretending to be a woman talking to men about sex. Sending nude photos of himself to women and men. And joining BDSM websites and even a local group.
His addiction had become horrible.. but something I thought I could babysit and control. And by the time I found out about how bad it had become, I was pregnant again.
So there I was, no job, and 3 kids to babysit. My kids were a lot easier than my H. He had joined a BDSM club here in the city we lived in.. I don't know what actually happened at these meetings, but according to my H, they talked about equipment, and clothing, sometimes tried them out.. but there was never penetration or sex of any kind. Just lots of whipping and spanking. :scratchhead: (that seems like sex of some kind to me) anyway...
Fast forward to may of 2010.. I was fed up with his addiction. He was choosing it over me. I could have been served up naked with cherries on top in front of him, and he chose the porn every time. I was worried what my kids were learning from his behavior because by the age of 8 my daughter was picking up a lot. She would get the mail when she came home from school and say "DADDY GOT NAUGHTY STUFF AGAIN!" It was horrible. I didn't want my daughter to think this stuff is ok... or my son think that it was ok to look at women this way.
So I packed us up and took the kids to a hotel. I talked to him several times. Told him I wanted to work it out, but this porn issue had to stop. He said he didn't know if he could stop. So we decided on MC and IC. IC was good for me... I learned a lot about myself. MC wasn't so good. We talked about a lot... H joined a sex addicts group. After 4 sessions the counselor said, "you guys are doing pretty good, we won't need another session for awhile".. and that was that...4 sessions. H refuses to go back. He also refuses the sex addicts meetings, saying the other men there are monsters and he isnt one of them.
Now a year later.. I find out he has feelings for his sisters best friend, they have spent a lot of time together drinking these last three months. He blames me.. saying I push him away. It's hard to get close to someone who has turned me down for porn, and now finds himself emotionally attatched to another woman and is constantly out drinking with her every weekend.
Plus, I don't feel very attractive to him at the moment, I mean he's been throwing himself into porn mania, and not paying attention to me for 9 years or better... and now hes got another possible love interest. How am I suppose to feel attractive to him? I know I'm not ugly.. but he sure makes me feel it.
Tonight I just got the truth.. for 3 months he has been telling me OW was, "Just a friend", now he admits he has feelings for her, but they havent done anything sexual.. they just flirt. It took him an hour to admit it. And then another hour to tell me he would stop all contact with her. Now, this woman is my sister in laws best friend, shes at most family functions (sister in laws kids' birthdays and such). What do I tell his family when they start asking questions about why I won't let H go over to his sisters? What do I tell his sister when she calls me and tells me I'm being a controlling ***** by not letting her brother see her? (which she has and will do again).
I'm right now on the fence.. part of me wants to throw his ass out. Another part wants me to make it work. Our trust has been beaten severly.. I don't know if I can ever trust him again. I love him, but I hate him.. and have hated him for awhile now because of everything. I can't find myself getting close to him again just to hurt me.. but I can't let him go either.
I met my H when I was 16 and he was 18. I had the hugest crush on him while cruising the high school hallways. He is tall dark and handsome. So when he turned his sights on me, I was thrilled. We were so in love, and so happy, we couldn't spend time apart. We moved in together when I was 17 and he was 19. We were married when I was 19 and he was 21.
Things were ok, His family never really treated me well. I don't drink and his family are HUGE drinkers... they drink all the time and get trashed when together. This caused me to not spend much time with his family and caused a riff early on in our marriage. They called me uptight.. and I called them drunks. So one year into our marriage I took some time to think.. went and stayed at my parents for a few weeks. At the time I was so crazy in love with him I decided I could just not go to family events on his side and just "get along" with them if I had to. Which worked out fine for the most part.
About 3 years into our marriage I noticed my H's interest in pornography was becoming quite disturbing. It used to be a subscription to playboy and once and awhile we would watch a softcore together.. pretty mild stuff. I noticed magazines starting to pop up that depicted very young looking girls dressed up in school uniforms. This upset me quite a bit, I told H that if we were ever going to have children I wouldn't allow his perversions around. He threw out the magazines, actually made a big production out of it and burned it.. little did I know there was lots more I didn't find.
fast forward a few years .. we have our daughter. I hadn't noticed any more porn issues, but with a baby coming, work, and everything else going on, I really wasnt paying that much attention. After I had my daughter I went back to work everything was going fine.. so I thought.
We had bought a computer, for my H to contact his brother while he was deployed. My H and his brother were very close, so I knew that he would need something to contact him occasionally. I was working late day shifts at the time, at a bank(call center). I came home from work, and I find my H... sitting at the computer.. watching pornography. With my daughter (who was then 2) sitting in his lap. Needless to say I flipped out! I mean FLIPPED OUT!.. I screamed, I yelled. And the next day I quit my job. I couldn't leave him home alone with my child for him to do THIS! So I became a stay at home mom, babysitting my daughter.. and my husbands pornography addiction. Which at this point had turned to really hardcore BDSM type things. I also installed a keylogger into the computer. Found out a few weeks later that he was on a chat service pretending to be a woman talking to men about sex. Sending nude photos of himself to women and men. And joining BDSM websites and even a local group.
His addiction had become horrible.. but something I thought I could babysit and control. And by the time I found out about how bad it had become, I was pregnant again.
So there I was, no job, and 3 kids to babysit. My kids were a lot easier than my H. He had joined a BDSM club here in the city we lived in.. I don't know what actually happened at these meetings, but according to my H, they talked about equipment, and clothing, sometimes tried them out.. but there was never penetration or sex of any kind. Just lots of whipping and spanking. :scratchhead: (that seems like sex of some kind to me) anyway...
Fast forward to may of 2010.. I was fed up with his addiction. He was choosing it over me. I could have been served up naked with cherries on top in front of him, and he chose the porn every time. I was worried what my kids were learning from his behavior because by the age of 8 my daughter was picking up a lot. She would get the mail when she came home from school and say "DADDY GOT NAUGHTY STUFF AGAIN!" It was horrible. I didn't want my daughter to think this stuff is ok... or my son think that it was ok to look at women this way.
So I packed us up and took the kids to a hotel. I talked to him several times. Told him I wanted to work it out, but this porn issue had to stop. He said he didn't know if he could stop. So we decided on MC and IC. IC was good for me... I learned a lot about myself. MC wasn't so good. We talked about a lot... H joined a sex addicts group. After 4 sessions the counselor said, "you guys are doing pretty good, we won't need another session for awhile".. and that was that...4 sessions. H refuses to go back. He also refuses the sex addicts meetings, saying the other men there are monsters and he isnt one of them.
Now a year later.. I find out he has feelings for his sisters best friend, they have spent a lot of time together drinking these last three months. He blames me.. saying I push him away. It's hard to get close to someone who has turned me down for porn, and now finds himself emotionally attatched to another woman and is constantly out drinking with her every weekend.
Plus, I don't feel very attractive to him at the moment, I mean he's been throwing himself into porn mania, and not paying attention to me for 9 years or better... and now hes got another possible love interest. How am I suppose to feel attractive to him? I know I'm not ugly.. but he sure makes me feel it.
Tonight I just got the truth.. for 3 months he has been telling me OW was, "Just a friend", now he admits he has feelings for her, but they havent done anything sexual.. they just flirt. It took him an hour to admit it. And then another hour to tell me he would stop all contact with her. Now, this woman is my sister in laws best friend, shes at most family functions (sister in laws kids' birthdays and such). What do I tell his family when they start asking questions about why I won't let H go over to his sisters? What do I tell his sister when she calls me and tells me I'm being a controlling ***** by not letting her brother see her? (which she has and will do again).
I'm right now on the fence.. part of me wants to throw his ass out. Another part wants me to make it work. Our trust has been beaten severly.. I don't know if I can ever trust him again. I love him, but I hate him.. and have hated him for awhile now because of everything. I can't find myself getting close to him again just to hurt me.. but I can't let him go either.