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The Complete Story

14K views 146 replies 20 participants last post by  Lilyana 
#1 ·
ok here it comes.. it might be long sorry... *deep breath*

I met my H when I was 16 and he was 18. I had the hugest crush on him while cruising the high school hallways. He is tall dark and handsome. So when he turned his sights on me, I was thrilled. We were so in love, and so happy, we couldn't spend time apart. We moved in together when I was 17 and he was 19. We were married when I was 19 and he was 21.

Things were ok, His family never really treated me well. I don't drink and his family are HUGE drinkers... they drink all the time and get trashed when together. This caused me to not spend much time with his family and caused a riff early on in our marriage. They called me uptight.. and I called them drunks. So one year into our marriage I took some time to think.. went and stayed at my parents for a few weeks. At the time I was so crazy in love with him I decided I could just not go to family events on his side and just "get along" with them if I had to. Which worked out fine for the most part.

About 3 years into our marriage I noticed my H's interest in pornography was becoming quite disturbing. It used to be a subscription to playboy and once and awhile we would watch a softcore together.. pretty mild stuff. I noticed magazines starting to pop up that depicted very young looking girls dressed up in school uniforms. This upset me quite a bit, I told H that if we were ever going to have children I wouldn't allow his perversions around. He threw out the magazines, actually made a big production out of it and burned it.. little did I know there was lots more I didn't find.

fast forward a few years .. we have our daughter. I hadn't noticed any more porn issues, but with a baby coming, work, and everything else going on, I really wasnt paying that much attention. After I had my daughter I went back to work everything was going fine.. so I thought.

We had bought a computer, for my H to contact his brother while he was deployed. My H and his brother were very close, so I knew that he would need something to contact him occasionally. I was working late day shifts at the time, at a bank(call center). I came home from work, and I find my H... sitting at the computer.. watching pornography. With my daughter (who was then 2) sitting in his lap. Needless to say I flipped out! I mean FLIPPED OUT!.. I screamed, I yelled. And the next day I quit my job. I couldn't leave him home alone with my child for him to do THIS! So I became a stay at home mom, babysitting my daughter.. and my husbands pornography addiction. Which at this point had turned to really hardcore BDSM type things. I also installed a keylogger into the computer. Found out a few weeks later that he was on a chat service pretending to be a woman talking to men about sex. Sending nude photos of himself to women and men. And joining BDSM websites and even a local group.

His addiction had become horrible.. but something I thought I could babysit and control. And by the time I found out about how bad it had become, I was pregnant again.

So there I was, no job, and 3 kids to babysit. My kids were a lot easier than my H. He had joined a BDSM club here in the city we lived in.. I don't know what actually happened at these meetings, but according to my H, they talked about equipment, and clothing, sometimes tried them out.. but there was never penetration or sex of any kind. Just lots of whipping and spanking. :scratchhead: (that seems like sex of some kind to me) anyway...

Fast forward to may of 2010.. I was fed up with his addiction. He was choosing it over me. I could have been served up naked with cherries on top in front of him, and he chose the porn every time. I was worried what my kids were learning from his behavior because by the age of 8 my daughter was picking up a lot. She would get the mail when she came home from school and say "DADDY GOT NAUGHTY STUFF AGAIN!" It was horrible. I didn't want my daughter to think this stuff is ok... or my son think that it was ok to look at women this way.

So I packed us up and took the kids to a hotel. I talked to him several times. Told him I wanted to work it out, but this porn issue had to stop. He said he didn't know if he could stop. So we decided on MC and IC. IC was good for me... I learned a lot about myself. MC wasn't so good. We talked about a lot... H joined a sex addicts group. After 4 sessions the counselor said, "you guys are doing pretty good, we won't need another session for awhile".. and that was that...4 sessions. H refuses to go back. He also refuses the sex addicts meetings, saying the other men there are monsters and he isnt one of them.

Now a year later.. I find out he has feelings for his sisters best friend, they have spent a lot of time together drinking these last three months. He blames me.. saying I push him away. It's hard to get close to someone who has turned me down for porn, and now finds himself emotionally attatched to another woman and is constantly out drinking with her every weekend.

Plus, I don't feel very attractive to him at the moment, I mean he's been throwing himself into porn mania, and not paying attention to me for 9 years or better... and now hes got another possible love interest. How am I suppose to feel attractive to him? I know I'm not ugly.. but he sure makes me feel it.

Tonight I just got the truth.. for 3 months he has been telling me OW was, "Just a friend", now he admits he has feelings for her, but they havent done anything sexual.. they just flirt. It took him an hour to admit it. And then another hour to tell me he would stop all contact with her. Now, this woman is my sister in laws best friend, shes at most family functions (sister in laws kids' birthdays and such). What do I tell his family when they start asking questions about why I won't let H go over to his sisters? What do I tell his sister when she calls me and tells me I'm being a controlling ***** by not letting her brother see her? (which she has and will do again).

I'm right now on the fence.. part of me wants to throw his ass out. Another part wants me to make it work. Our trust has been beaten severly.. I don't know if I can ever trust him again. I love him, but I hate him.. and have hated him for awhile now because of everything. I can't find myself getting close to him again just to hurt me.. but I can't let him go either.
 
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#4 ·
If I were you I would stay with him.

If you want to be continually stressed and miserable that is.

He has cheated on you, he has exposed your daughter to porn. (That makes me want to vomit, it's tantamount to child abuse).

He went to BDSM meeting but nothing happened PFFFFT.

Obviously you think you love him or you wouldn't be there. But I really think you love the idea of what life would be like if he wasn't a selfish @*******.

Life with him will never ever be that.

He obviously has no real desire o ever put you or your children first.
 
#52 ·
Syrum and me have completley different takes on Porn we have gotton into it in another thread about it but here Syrum is exactly right. To watch porn with not only your daughter in your room but sitting right on your lap. That is beyond disgusting I am not even christian and I think their is a special section of hell neighboring the pedophiles for this creep.

It is absolutley reprehensible and in my opinion unforgivable. I would keep allyour daughters as far away from him as possible because any man who puts his daughter in that situation is not a man but sick twisted pervert.

As for the BDSM thing the thing about fetishes is its not the intercourse. He was getting release just by being there and being spanked/spanking, he was getting his need met and it wasn't by you or with your permission so it is cheating pure and simple.

In regards to what youtell his family its not your job to own what he did wrong either he wants to and you want to give him another shot (I am firmly against that) or you leave him.You can not keep covering up for this scumbag.

Sorry if any of that comes out as to harsh but after reading your story I just want to find this guy and give him a taste of the hell that will forever plague his soul before sending him to it to see it was just a taste.
 
#6 ·
I've been sitting here trying to think of what I do like about him...

Is it bad if I really can't think of anything other than that hes a hard worker?

Hes not a good husband... hes not a good father.. he has recent boughts of rage where he yells and curses at me and the kids for no apparent reason, (I chalked this up to me taking away his porn) when you take someones addiction away they become cranky children.

So why do I want to fix this? I'm unsure... fear of the unknown? fear of being alone? Not wanting to let HER have him? Not wanting to answer my kids when they ask why? all of the above...

He said he can't predict the future, he is afraid that if he leaves the kids and I, things with OW would go downhill fast because she is a heavy drinker and likes to call the cops on people when shes been drinking. (including her best friend, my sister in law)

He says he will stop all contact with her.. I told him I will be watching and know if he has been talking to her. this morning i noticed he took my daughters cell phone, he thinks im not watching that one for contact with her.

I'm wondering if I should even bother watching, from reading on here, everyone experiences 'trickle truth'.. so I'm waiting to find out they have been physical. I don't know if I want to wait to hear it. Everyone on here experiences lie after lie after lie.. I just found out a few of those lies last night. Not sure I want the rest of them in my lap.

His vehicle gets out of the shop on friday.. maybe I will just start slowly removing things of his to the garage. Most of it is still packed from my throwing him out tirade from last thursday. I almost had him out of my life... but I fell for his lies like a sucker, and let him back.
 
#7 ·
No, ti's not a bad thing you can't think of of anything you DO like about him.

It's reality.

Make a list. Seriously. Make a list of what you like and don't like. And read it over and over.

You remind me of me in a way. Everything I liked about my ex had nothing to do with our relationship, mostly. And the thing that topped the list in his good points was always: "He's such a hard worker." Not "he's so loving and empathetic and compassionate and romantic, sweet, treats me as an equal/respects me as a woman."

So seriously--start thinking about what you DO like and what you see a future with him is going to be like, even if he cuts it off with OW.

Sometimes I think we stay in relationships for the sake of having a relationship, because we've spent so much time in one, because it's familiar, and being single sounds scary as hell, because one half of our identity has for so long been tied to our partners.



 
#12 ·
I don't know why so many jilted spouses put up with this type of bull****. I know you "love" him still, but sometimes the writing is on the wall. He already acknowledged that he has feelings for, when those feelings should only be reserved for you. For me, its all or nothing. PERIOD!
 
#63 ·
Wow, common theme. Must be the script. I have heard and believe that those three words are the most destructive to a marriage "just a friend". I wonder if there is ever an instance where that phrase was true. The spouse would have to suspect it was more before that phrase would ever be uttered.
 
#14 ·
Well, he has already admitted he has feelings for her.. I've put the no contact rules in place.. I've even told him hes not allowed to talk to his sister anymore or go over there and drink. I said his sister isn't allowed in our lives anymore because she thought it was ok to lie to me, and help out an affair with her best friend.

Today his sister asked him to go watch her daughters soccer game. I said, sure thas fine but I'm going to. OW was there, with her kids, and yes shes single.

My H and I stood at the other end of the soccer field from them. Now I ask myself, if I weren't there would he have kept his distance and the no contact rules in place? Probably not.

I told him today, if he wants to go, just go. Don't drag it out, don't tell me you love me and want to make this work. Just go.

My daughter was making idle conversation about injuries I've had and stuff tonight. There is a long scar on my hand and she asked what it was from. I told her the story, and she said... "mommy you know what the worst thing that ever happened to me was?" I said, "no baby whats that?" She said, "that time when we left daddy."

What do I say to that, with this new stuff going on and the possibility of him leaving again? What do I tell my kids? I don't want to break their hearts, but I don't have it in me again to put my trust in this man. I refuse to spend nights or days crying because I don't know what hes up to. How do I do that without hurting my babys?
 
#15 ·
I would say that you're always doing your best to make decisions that will be best for her in the long run. That she might not always see the benefit in it, but she should trust you to love her enough to do what's best for her. Emphasize that you love her and she should trust you. Don't make false promises (Oh, we'll never leave again!) or trash talk her father. But make sure she knows she's loved a lot and you think of her in every decision you make.
 
#17 ·
When we seperated last May, we did councelling and he joined an SA group. After one month the councellor said he didn't think we needed him anymore, and about 2 weeks later my H decided he didn't need to go to SA anymore.

I asked H if he would like to try councelling again, he said No... said that he thinks if we can't do this by ourselves then theres no point. He also says if my trust for him is gone there is no point. But yet he stays here, I don't understand....

I do have an appointment with an attorney this morning, just to see what I should do to protect myself in case he does leave. He isn't gone yet, but it kind of feels like he already is, and has been for awhile.
 
#18 ·
One other thing thats going on I didn't realize...

OW has developed a relationship with my children. Apparently while I was at work and he took the kids over to his sisters to have a "few" drinks and hang out she was there. At our neices soccer game last night my daughter spent about 20 minutes talking to OW. This hurt me extremely. But what can I do? I want to ask my daughter what she said, why they talk, how long have they been talking and all kinds of stuff.. but I can't do that. I don't want to put this on my kids' shoulders.
 
#20 ·
I know.. I'm so confused.. hurt .. angry...

I spend my time between wanting to pull a lorena bobbit on him.. and poison his dinner... to wanting to make it work and wanting him to love me... sick at twisted as it may be.

I know the evidence shows he is only going to love himself ever. He blames me for everything thats happened... I don't think we can be fixed.. and I don't know why I want to anymore. Like I said I can't really think of anything I like about him anymore.
 
#22 ·
i did give him til the middle of june to figure out what he wants.. if he hasnt decided by then, I will decide for him..

I only gave him this long because our daughters birthday is coming up and I don't want to make her birthday this big traumatic 'mommy and daddy split up on my birthday' thing.

Time to redirect myself to the 180.. going to counseling too. I used to be in a womens group, its just to talk about marriage and family issues. Think I will go back, I haven't been there in almost a year. I need all the support I can get right now.
 
#23 ·
Did I do the right thing in making him stop all contact with his sister as well?

She condons his EA with OW (her best friend)

She has allowed him to lie to me, his wife of 15 years, about where he was and what hes been up to.

She trash talks me to my H (and possibly my children) constantly.

I feel bad for having drawn this line, it is H's sister after all and I know that I can not stop contact with her 100 percent. But I told him, if something is going on in the family and she needs to contact you, she can call me. If she needs something, she can call me. She will not contact you anymore about going over to her house to drink, or hang out with OW and she will not use her phone number as an easy way for OW to contact you.

Thus, I have blocked his sisters number and OW number from contacting his phone.. was that right of me?
 
#25 ·
I don't want to be in a false R either.. but I think I already am. H is randomly disappearing from the house for half an hour at the time.. I'm sure to either call his sister or OW.. I blocked their calls and texts.. but there is nothing i can do about him calling them. Half tempted to just cut off his phone at this point.. but it wouldn't do any good.

I'm fighting a battle that I'm going to lose.. I don't really have it in me to fight. H refuses to go to counselling, I joined my womens support group. I'm going starting this thursday. Met with a lawyer this morning.. just to get piece of mind and to protect myself for when he does decide to go or i decide to throw him out.

Things feel uncomfortable.. strained.. tense. It's not a good situation right now. Not sure if I can take this until the middle of june. Wondering if it wouldnt be better to just pull the bandaide off now, I just don't want to make my daughters up coming birthday about her mommy and daddy seperating.
 
#26 ·
SIl is enabling the affair. She is NOT for your marriage.

Lily, he has a lot of issues. What do you think he can do to actually make the marriage work? He sounds very dispectful and like he has a lot of issues. If it was an affair and he ended ti, I'd say awesome--work it out. But you have got a lot of other things lurking in the background: the porn w/ your daughter, the BDSM chatting online, past unfaithfulness...

You need to tell him you're not going to tolerate this BS.



 
#27 ·
Ive told him.. he knows.. the reason I left him last may was the Porn and online affairs. Told him I wouldn't tolerate it again. Let him move in with me in my apartment... and now its a RL affair with someone who is only a few blocks away.

I don't know what he can do to fix it.. I've blocked him from his sister and the OW.. and I still don't feel at peace about anything. I do want him gone, but know that I will be blamed for everything.. from his family.. my family.. everyone. We have a lot of the same friends.. so I will lose all or most of them too. I think at this point its more the fear of being alone.... although when we seperated last year, I felt great, I was able to take care of myself and my kids better, my depression lifted. Even not having the support of my family.. i really was better.

The fear of hurting my children is gut wrenching as well. the other day when my daughter mentioned to me that the worst thing that ever happened to her was when we left daddy.. that makes this sooooooo hard.

She doesn't remember the incident when she was 2.. and since then no incidents like that have happened because I have been babysitting my H's problem since (shes almost 9 now). Her birthday is a month away.. and I don't want her to have a traumatic birthday where her daddy or his family arent there for it. She loves her daddy. She's a daddys girl... and I'm afraid to take that away from her. This stems from my own daddy issues I am sure.
 
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