This is me right now, feel free to join... !K@#KO%R(GFOFLVLWL@@@$*$$*#O@!$%)#)#)#@))@)!!LLR(# #. This is me, had my nightly talk with husband, whatever, perhaps post details later. Same old crap, same old story, what the hell is the point???? We get nowhere, he keeps bringing up the past to explain how he feels now, fine. He actually said he has been trying to commit to me. Committing isn't a trying thing, you either do or you don't, whatever. Pit said to me the other day, concrete has set, well I know it's not completely, Plan mothaeffin A B or 180 I don't even know anymore, sorry as I warned this is a rant thread. I do love him unconditionally, he doesn't deserve it. I acknowledge that I don't deserve it from him, but I am just posting this to say GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!! He doesn't think a person can change their thought process, that it is a part of who you fundamentally are, bull****. I have a temper and can be quick to anger, those are fundamentally who I am, but I can control those...being emotionally unavailable to him where I am to others.....I am not wired that way, I just allowed myself to shut myself off to him, that was my mistake, for reasons that were wrong, because I didn't stand up for myself and what I needed. I just wish I could post massive swear words LOL
I am considering putting a halt to these scheduled talks cuz we know where we stand right now, what's the point of ripping the duct tape off a massively infected ***** wound, with maggots to boot? Maggots are due to husband dwelling.
Thursday night I got into such a shouting match with wifey that the the next day I had surface bruising and ruptured blood vessels underneath both eyes.
Paramore, a good stress relief is a good hard run on a horse. I dont know about you but I am a very experienced horseback rider. And sometimes it can feel so good to just saddle up, give your horse a good kick and let him run as fast as he can across the open field. That free-feeling is incredible. If I ever get a chance to visit you, we are going horseback riding.
It isn't that people can't change, it sounds as if he simply refuses to. Maybe he gets his rocks off punishing you, that is what it sounds like. You know your limit, I think I would have exceeded mine if I were you a long time ago. Good grief.
i've made feeble attempts for limited periods of time, with little to no results.
yet i believe that, if u have two competitive people such as many H/W's find themselves to be.....then One need only be
determined to show or "win" at the "I give/serve better" (game)
of yer marriage status, to Win as he/she should catch on and
try harder too.
then again, if u have a spirit of contention ruling over yer marriage, with no casting out awareness on one/both of yer
parts then.........faaahhhhhggeeeettttaaaabbbouuuuttt it!
(as u'll need to deal with this 1st)
you know cb, I don't want to rule my marriage, never have. I am not the one trying to "win", I don't want to "win" an arguement. In one instance bringing up crap that was wrong when our second was born, I believe I had very massive undiagnosed post partum thrust into parenthood young, 21 years old with two kids under 15 months, massively colicy baby, very cranky, at a job that I was miserable at so we could get cheap daycare. I asked him this after he went off about this that or the other things that I did, "Would you be willing to take into consideration that it was the environment that caused me to behave in these manners? Not who I really am?" Now I acknowledged that some of my behaviors were incorrect, because of course I was an adult, and therefore capable of correct decisions.
I just can't get over the fact that he said he had actually been trying to commit to me. Committing is something you WANT wholeheartedly to do, not have to talk yourself into and try to force yourself, so I called his bs there. Told him there's no sense in even trying to work on communication until he is in a place where he can see things from all angles, which I have spent alot of time doing over the months. There is no sense in trying to improve communication when I am constantly being demonized and being made completely at fault, he can't see that I was in the same pain as he was, that we did the same stupid things for the same reasons. He is still justifying. I can't subject myself to that kind of abuse. I dunno, kind of wonder if he expects us to have another scheduled talk tomorrow night, it will be interesting when he sits down to have it and I get up and walk up to bed.
i understand u better than u think (on this pt/matter) ParaM (or PM) but re-read/re-think
what i wrote. it may or may not apply to u. selah.
i understand how frustrating it when u feel/think u r the only one trying based on what YOU know/think/feel.
Problem is: yer dealing with another individual who thinks/feels
knows/does things (probably/maybe very) differently than u
or has grown/shown to.
people here at TAM including me, use words that have a "feel" or certain meaning/understanding to them. yet others come
along and read those words and go-off on some tangent, some
other kinda understanding, or even complete opposite of what
was meant/intended.
sometimes its our (my) fault as we're sloppy in choice etc.
sometimes its their fault as they are lazy in understanding
(or limited in english definitions) etc.
in regards to the word "commitment" lemme say this:
my W used this term many yrs ago with me one too
many times (re: both of us) when i was LOVE that
I (both?) needed to hear/feel/focus on.
u see PM, i want the atmosphere of LOVE to dominate, not
an Army reveille-bugle call every a.m. like the word
committment conjures up with me. yeeeeech.....!
when i read yer posts PM re: yer H, i read someone who IS
trying to control her H, whether u admit/agree with it or not.
it may be direct, or indirect but its all the same if u can be honest and look at things both analytically or philosophically.
It all starts with your (our) thought processes. u think this,
u feel that when he said this or he did that. it all flows from u.
(or all of us) we make ourselves out to be like God, or better put, THE GOD, when we think/say/do.
the really frustrating part of what u r saying PM is, if i recall
correctly, is that yer H said he wants to "agree" or "commit" etc
but his words/actions contradict this (at least in yer mind).
this also is where i am at in my rel'shp with my W. i used to think she was ignorant and didnt understand, but now i believe
o/wise on her contradictions. the time is coming where we are
going to have to call out our "spirit of contention" demons as
they are, agree they are, and cast them out. if she (supposed believer...'nother story) refuses, then my pathway/choices will
be clearer than they are now, as impass rules currently.
Thanks for your words, I will take those and let them simmer awhile. Am I hitting the nail on the head when by controlling him you are saying it because how I expect him to react, instead of just letting him react the way that is right for him? Let me say here, he is the one bringing up the word committing not me. I gave up trying to convince him why that was the right thing to do, I am giving him the time he needs. The only reason I brought that up is because when he said he had been trying to commit it kind of floored me, because when he came home he stated he wasn't "committing" to working on the marriage, so when he said that, I was like ummmmm k, not paying much attention, little to no affection, refusing to face demons, or take responsibility for your actions are weird ways to try to recommit to someone. He brought it up to me, I just rolled with it.
I am not saying he acted wrong, I didn't belittle him or begrudge him that, I let him say what he felt, he could say whatever he wanted. He was the one who told me not to cry when I got very emotional, he actually said to me, "Don't cry, it's not gonna sway me, (which wasn't my goal, I was immensely sad) I don't cry." I said well you aren't me, you aren't a woman. I mean really, I didn't say to him, you aren't acting upset enough, I am. We each are entitled to how we feel/say/act. I totally get that.
This is me right now, feel free to join... !K@#KO%R(GFOFLVLWL@@@$*$$*#O@!$%)#)#)#@))@)!!LLR(# #. This is me, had my nightly talk with husband, whatever, perhaps post details later. Same old crap, same old story, what the hell is the point???? We get nowhere, he keeps bringing up the past to explain how he feels now, fine. He actually said he has been trying to commit to me. Committing isn't a trying thing, you either do or you don't, whatever. Pit said to me the other day, concrete has set, well I know it's not completely, Plan mothaeffin A B or 180 I don't even know anymore, sorry as I warned this is a rant thread. I do love him unconditionally, he doesn't deserve it. I acknowledge that I don't deserve it from him, but I am just posting this to say GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!! He doesn't think a person can change their thought process, that it is a part of who you fundamentally are, bull****. I have a temper and can be quick to anger, those are fundamentally who I am, but I can control those...being emotionally unavailable to him where I am to others.....I am not wired that way, I just allowed myself to shut myself off to him, that was my mistake, for reasons that were wrong, because I didn't stand up for myself and what I needed. I just wish I could post massive swear words LOL
I am considering putting a halt to these scheduled talks cuz we know where we stand right now, what's the point of ripping the duct tape off a massively infected ***** wound, with maggots to boot? Maggots are due to husband dwelling.
Unconditional love? Maybe that’s where you are going wrong. Unconditional love is the sole reserve of our children. But even then unconditional love can be very wrong if there is no “tough love” in the mix.
You’re saying you are a “boundary-less person”. That he can do anything to you and you will still love him. Maybe you need some firm boundaries and those boundaries are the things you will not tolerate. Those boundaries are your “tough love”.
Otherwise you’re just a sucker for punishment and he’ll walk all over you.
You are absolutely right, I am starting to implement boundaries, and they seem to be working well so far. Another I set up is that I won't be his emotional scapegoat, I won't be the one to take all the blame, which is why I told him that there will be no more of these talks until he can get over the fact that I am not the only person at fault and that we were both wrong. End of discussion, no more talking if he's gonna do nothing but get on his soapbox.
I do love him no matter what, but I am not gonna let him walk all over me, we did it to each other for years, even though he's not gonna remember it like that. I know I will be ok without him, I know I deserve better, while he may choose not to be the person that stands beside me, that's his mistake not mine. Don't worry Afeh, I am getting better day by day.
I also stated a boundary not too long ago, that if he was going to even have just one last contact phone call from first EA, it was unacceptable, I said you choose to speak with her or me, he chose me, I told him that if he choose to keep in contact with her, either he was leaving or I and my children were going to my sisters. I made it clear after that if there was any contact whatsoever, that the same thing was going to happen, and the choice to stay married wasn't his anymore. So far so good.
commitment is just a chapter in it. (lets call it CMT)
CMT is a decision that u have to decide on, daily.
but some "hide" behind the word CMT. that is, they refuse
to be affectionate, loving, giving, etc.
CMT can be good as a starting pt, but not the end all be all.
CMT can come off as very cold/sterile. yeeech......!
i think PM, if u can combine being Loving/CMT with yer
boundries in a good, healthy balance, then u r doing better
than most.
i also believe that unless u have Jesus as yer "Rock" then,
yer chances of pulling off the above are slim-none, based on
my own exper's & those i know.
You are absolutely right, I am starting to implement boundaries, and they seem to be working well so far. Another I set up is that I won't be his emotional scapegoat, I won't be the one to take all the blame, which is why I told him that there will be no more of these talks until he can get over the fact that I am not the only person at fault and that we were both wrong. End of discussion, no more talking if he's gonna do nothing but get on his soapbox.
I do love him no matter what, but I am not gonna let him walk all over me, we did it to each other for years, even though he's not gonna remember it like that. I know I will be ok without him, I know I deserve better, while he may choose not to be the person that stands beside me, that's his mistake not mine. Don't worry Afeh, I am getting better day by day.
I also stated a boundary not too long ago, that if he was going to even have just one last contact phone call from first EA, it was unacceptable, I said you choose to speak with her or me, he chose me, I told him that if he choose to keep in contact with her, either he was leaving or I and my children were going to my sisters. I made it clear after that if there was any contact whatsoever, that the same thing was going to happen, and the choice to stay married wasn't his anymore. So far so good.
I think the discovery of personal boundaries was one of my best ever experiences from a personal growth point of view. You may care to take a look at Boundaries for Men, it works for women as well.
I may just go out and get that book and leave it laying around after I read it.....he needs to find his N.U.T.S, and live by them. He contradicted himself so many times last night, it wasn't even funny he was empowered to do this thing but said 4 years from now he would be doing the same thing if he was unhappy, "it" being a doormat and not walking away, whatever. That boy needs some serious personal boundaries and goals and stand by them.
most epic cool rant thread EVER!!!! 
Re: most epic cool rant thread EVER!!!! 
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