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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Just Let Them Go

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 09-27-2011, 04:43 PM   #196 (permalink)
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well in my case i did what i thought was nessasary to destroy the affair before gettting to the point of letting go...

but it coincides a bit with what my therapist has told me.

she mentined that i, myself need to grow as a person. that i need to heal. and from that several things will happen. ill end up letting go of the things i cant control, and in a lot of ways, lettting go of the marriage. but at the same time i need to personally heal before i enter into ANY relationship, marriage or new. as well itll make me a better person. and that raises my "value" (respect for myself and dignity). by doing that my wife would start to realize who and what i am as opposed to the OM who is really of low value.

by letting go of the marriage and focusing on myself, she would actually take notice and start to gravitate towards me again. but really thats the side effect of my own personal growth. I become more confident, my self assured. i worry about my self. and again raise my value to myself.

and as the affair suffers (esp from all the other stuff i did, like esposure and meeting her needs) notice that the grass isnt greener on the other side, but i also provide nice shade and aplace to be happy in again.

i guess what im trying to say is that by letting go it boosts me, but affects her, and as it affects her, it affects the affair. and more than likely in a negative , slow death kinda way.
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Old 09-27-2011, 04:49 PM   #197 (permalink)
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well in my case i did what i thought was nessasary to destroy the affair before gettting to the point of letting go...
OK, good. You had me worried

The funny thing about letting go is that... people usually do it after trying everything else first, and then when they really let go, sometimes their spouse gets all needy since there is no doormat to fall back on and presses for more commitment ... and decreases any chance that the affair is going to fly.

Weird, sometimes-unintended consequence. The intended consequence is to embrace life again so that you can be ready for somebody who will really value you.
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Old 09-27-2011, 05:24 PM   #198 (permalink)
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and sometimes, hopefully the person who values you is also the person who's remorseful and learns from thier mistakes.


at least thats what my son hopes...even if he doesnt comprehend it right now
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Old 09-27-2011, 06:26 PM   #199 (permalink)
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Doesn't this all boil down to what many tell the newbie , that "distance your self and focus on your self" when one comes to this form after ...or even before d day, or the confrontation.

A self improvement that will stress the A and make the LS more attractive. I think the best course of action when this cheating crap starts snowballing is to "just let them go".

Granted at the time it was hard as hell but after d day and moving on to confronting I felt like I had to just let her go, and it worked.

Its so hard to see it though, I mean your 1st instinct is to beg and cry for the marriage, but as all us veterians now it only empowers the DS.

If anything can be learned or more importantly be implimented when the sh!t storm of infidelity starts with the flags and then discovery it having the strangth to just let them go.

Even at 1st, it may be all but a perception, you need to show your wayward tthis, and as emotional as it is this perseption is the best course of action even with the strong emotion of unconditional love one has when it all starts to unfold.

It seems the typical course of action in that some beg&plead, then fake R and then finaly the "just move on" . when if it was the other way around then it would be "move on", then DS does the begging and then the hopes of a true R, and I use the words true R loosely.

Just my $0.02
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Old 09-27-2011, 07:43 PM   #200 (permalink)
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I really appreciate this thread. I find myself coming back to this thread from time to time to help reassure myself that I'm doing the right thing. I've found that letting go came easier to me over time as I focused on myself and my kids while my wife lives a thousand miles away.
She's been chatting with the kids and I keep my chats with her brief and I always end our chats. Today she PISSED me off though. Said I haven't been available enough on my computers in the evening so she can chat with the kids. She even said she wondered if this was my way of getting back at her. Truth is, the kids and I are leading busy lives and it's hard to always be available at a specific time. It's easy for my wife. No job. No nothing.But I responded in a positive manner and said we would try to do a better job and if I'm not on my computer when she wants to chat that she can CALL us on our PHONE. Amazing concept, huh? Anyways, it's moments like this that confirms that letting go is the right thing.
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Old 09-27-2011, 10:46 PM   #201 (permalink)
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Thank you for this thread. I am not 'there' yet and not sure when or if I will be, put I will read 'Let them go' daily. We have 2 very young children (2 and 4 yrs old) so letting go is especially difficult. There is also the huge financial strain we are under right now (like had to sell off jewelry it's so bad).
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Old 09-27-2011, 10:47 PM   #202 (permalink)
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Houstondad,
You did good and can I add, that a more devent response would have been "you left so now you are on our schedule, staying home and taking the hard road to repair a marrige would have been better then working on a computor time with the kids a 1,000 miles from them". Again a devient thing! You took the high road.

You sir are admirable and fair, do not change.
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Old 09-28-2011, 06:32 AM   #203 (permalink)
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Thanks guy!
Yeah, there's times where I feel like this road I've been on is so high that I'm about to reach the top of Everest. But it'll be worth it when I get there.
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Old 09-28-2011, 06:39 AM   #204 (permalink)
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I sent my "just let them go" email this morning. It felt good. I have realized that with all the lies, deceit, and hurt continuing to pile on I had no other choice. Her EA and the choice to maintain contact with OM shows the ultimate disrespect to me, our marriage, and our kids. If this is what she wants, let her have it.
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Old 10-11-2011, 09:58 AM   #205 (permalink)
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had a read again.. and a bump..
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Old 10-21-2011, 06:06 PM   #206 (permalink)
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Hello All I must say I have gained much insight and sanity from this whole thread, on just letting go

As for my situation, I am divorced, I have been for four months now, I was married for nine years, my ex wife has run off with a co worker, she hid this from me even while we were separated and during that time we said that we would work on each other and come back together, the whole time I did not know she was already in a full blown relationship with her coworker, once I found out she became real cold and told me that I was pressuring her, when all I asked was make a decision him or me, she chose him, I am trying my best to let her go, I'm dating casually, I dont call or txt or email anymore, its been a month since we spoke I told her that I cant be her friend, and that i wouldnt contact her anymore, well she recently contacted me asking did I have any of her paper work, which she knows I dont becuase she has been out the house for a year now

Im trying my best to let her go, the problem is that, even after all that has happened I still love her so much, and her recent phone call to me just messed me all up, I didnt answer the call she left a message and i just emailed her and said "I dont have anything of yours" this is so hard I'm sorry if Im all over the place with this post

I just figured I'd contribute since I read this thread everyday, still trying to let go, it seems almost impossible
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Old 10-21-2011, 08:00 PM   #207 (permalink)
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StillLost consider sending her an email telling her flat out "Donīt contact me anymore". In the meantime ignore any attempts by her to contact you and she will eventually will get the message that you are through with her. Good luck.
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Old 10-23-2011, 11:04 AM   #208 (permalink)
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I read this a few weeks ago and put it into effect almost 2 weeks ago. He said he was on a business trip and I found his car in front of her condo (well, 'their' condo as both names were on the buzzer). I called him and let him know that I knew where he was. He came out, we argued, I cried and then told him he needed to leave. He told me he was planning on leaving that week and was going to talk to me about it. I told him 'no - you need to leave RIGHT NOW'. He wanted to wait til that night so he could say goodbye to the kids. I told him NO- you will go to the house right now, pack some things and leave. BU that night he was already texting me about how he missed me, he was so confused and lost. Can I just say, though I was still emotional...I already had started feeling stronger and everyday it has gotten better. The first week I still had a rough time when he came to see the kids (every other day). I finally told him I needed REAL space and he needed to stay away for 4 days. He did and it was wonderful. It really helped me find the clarity and strength I didn't even know existed. I had spent 2.5 months drawing the line in the sand, he kept crossing it - and I kept allowing him to. No more. I'm not saying it has been easy, but reading 'Just Let Them Go' every day is such a huge help to me. I keep it on phone and read it daily. The past few days we have had to spend significant time together because of our daughters birthday, school functions, etc. and it's been great. I don't feel sad around him...I feel like I am in control, confident and strong. Our future is still uncertain...he really has a lot of work to do on himself before I can even consider working on our marriage (if ever), but I feel like I am going to be okay.
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Old 10-23-2011, 11:21 AM   #209 (permalink)
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but reading 'Just Let Them Go' every day is such a huge help to me. I keep it on phone and read it daily. The past few days we have had to spend significant time together because of our daughters birthday, school functions, etc. and it's been great. I don't feel sad around him...I feel like I am in control, confident and strong. Our future is still uncertain...he really has a lot of work to do on himself before I can even consider working on our marriage (if ever), but I feel like I am going to be okay.
Sometimes 'Just Let Them Go' is reminiscent of the Serenity prayer in finding the courage to change the things we can and to accept the things one cannot change.

No matter what happens, you WILL make it. You can bet on it.
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Old 10-23-2011, 04:07 PM   #210 (permalink)
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This is one of the best posts I have ever read!!! As painful as it is nothing brings us more peace than let go, it took me a long time to realize this. You try to hold on and hold on and hold on sometimes to the point you will lose your dignity your mind and for what???? Just let them go. You will make it one way or the other and get stronger in the process.
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