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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 10-31-2011, 04:36 PM   #226 (permalink)
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Ok. I am going to try this clown sex trigger thing. So you literally imagine them dressed up as clowns?? LOL.
Well, FWIW , I would be worried it would turn me on
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Old 11-01-2011, 12:26 PM   #227 (permalink)
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Well, FWIW , I would be worried it would turn me on
lol, you are a rare breed man, really nothing sexy to me at all about clown sex - one guy put some on his TV at a party at his house once, we all just looked at him wondering wtf he owned it for. Maybe picture...porcupines or something.
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Old 11-01-2011, 12:33 PM   #228 (permalink)
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What if your wife had an affair with a clown?
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Old 11-01-2011, 12:38 PM   #229 (permalink)
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lol, you are a rare breed man, really nothing sexy to me at all about clown sex
Agreed. Clowns scare the sh!t out of me in a Freddy Krueger way. LOL.
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Old 11-01-2011, 02:22 PM   #230 (permalink)
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Agreed. Clowns scare the sh!t out of me in a Freddy Krueger way. LOL.
We all float down here!

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Old 11-01-2011, 02:25 PM   #231 (permalink)
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My kids are all frightened of that Pennywise dude, Lon. No accounting for tastes.
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Old 11-01-2011, 02:36 PM   #232 (permalink)
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The Burger King king is pretty scary, too.

Damn, you Lon!
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Old 11-01-2011, 02:45 PM   #233 (permalink)
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Burger King is a monster. Ronald McDonald, on the other hand, has a certain allure
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Old 11-20-2011, 12:45 PM   #234 (permalink)
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Here are some more words of wisdom from another sage (definitely not me):

"Do not use these strategies as a manipulative tool to change what your spouse is doing. He/she will pick up on your motive and see through it. He/she will easily manipulate you back to where he/she wants you (wherever that was to make you predictable and controllable.)

You engage in these exercises and strategies because you want to for you. You know that this is the best way to live and at this point, be in relationship with your spouse. This is the best way for you to survive and retain integrity.

Here’s the kicker. A by-product of these efforts is usually dramatic changes on the part of your spouse. Don’t be surprised if he/she moves closer. Don’t be surprised if he/she does a double-take. Don’t be surprised if he/she decides to “work on the marriage.” But, don’t expect it!

1) Act Happy. Be as cheerful as possible. Be positive. Put on this behavior when you have contact with your spouse. Prepare yourself to act this way. Practice if need be. Be an actor, actress if need be. Fake it, if you must. Fake it til you truly do get to the point where you experience your life as positive. (It really is, you know!)

2) Get a life. Rekindle old hobbies or interests that you have discarded but still interest you. Try out new hobbies or interests. Think about what you really liked doing when you were 6 years old. Start doing that. (One coaching client “gave up dancing,” which was a passion, for her family and husband. Once she discovered his affair, she took it up again. She loved it. It was therapeutic. But, boy did he have a problem with it!).

3) Focus on 4 key words. Every day, every hour and every minute if need be, plaster your mind with these 4 life-saving words: I WILL MAKE IT! This becomes your mantra. Wake up with it. Put it on your mirror. Eat lunch with it. Go to sleep with it. Tell, convey in every which way to your spouse that you WILL MAKE IT. Say, “I will make it! I perfer to make it with you (if that is what you REALLY want), but if that doesn’t happen, I will make it without you. Either way, I want you to know that I will make it.” State with erect, confident body language, unblinking, direct eye contact and calm, firm, consistent tone of voice.

4) To-the-point small talk. Make conversations with your spouse brief and to the point. Talk only about the solutions to specific problems that need to be addressed, such a particular bills, household or children concerns. Let silence prevail if he/she wants to “hook” you into melodrama. Politely but firmly end such conversations.5) Tend to agree. Try to find the kernel of truth in what your spouse is saying and agree with it. Acknowledge it. He/she says, “I don’t love you
anymore.” You say, “It certainly seems that way. Thank you for your truthfulness.”He/she says, “I’m not sure what I want.” You say, “Yes, it must be confusing for you.” He/she says, “I’m thinking of moving out.” You say, “Do you have an idea of when you’re going to do that? Knowing would help me plan for my activities.”

6) Expand your social relationships, including those of the OPPOSITE SEX.Make new friends. Go to lunch. Surround yourself with interesting people who have the potential to care about you. Rekindle old friendships that have faded. With the
opposite sex? Yes! I’m not talking about a revenge affair or sleeping with someone. I’m not talking about dating for the purposes of forming a committed relationship, but to form true friendships(plural) and learning about you and how you relate, especially to those of the opposite sex.

7) Get sexy – in a healthy way. Get in shape. Lose weight. Run. Walk. Exercise. Eat right. Enjoy your body. Take supplements. Take extreme care of your body. Begin to feel healthy…and healthy is sexy. Focus on one of these tactics and begin now. Don’t wait."
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Old 12-30-2011, 12:24 PM   #235 (permalink)
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I love this old posts, just wished I read them before I made most of these mistakes. Maybe I was not ready to hear it earlier. Ready to go forward and have a great new year!
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Old 12-30-2011, 12:39 PM   #236 (permalink)
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I love this old posts, just wished I read them before I made most of these mistakes. Maybe I was not ready to hear it earlier. Ready to go forward and have a great new year!
Very few people have the emotional fortitude to implement 'Just Let Them Go' from the get go. It usually takes a little bit of time before he/she is finally able to do it.
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Old 01-03-2012, 09:48 AM   #237 (permalink)
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(Hope nobody minds but I ran out of space on my signature field. I am parking my links here for the time being.)


Just Let Them Go
The 180 degree rules
"Counter Intuitive" aka Things YOU need to DO that aren't obvious... .
Man Up real life story
Forgiveness

Boundaries,
Character

Shrink4Men - for men who are recovering from relationships with abusive women and the non-abusive family and friends who love them
No More Mr Nice Guy
Dads divorce
Not Just Friends

EMDR
Married Man's Sex Life
The Man Up and Nice Guy Reference,
Sperm Wars: Infidelity, Sexual Conflict and Other Bedroom Battles,

3 Ways to Erase Post-Affair Anger
Cheated On, Tortured by Images
Feeding the Affair-Image Beast
Erase Obsessive Affair Images (in 30 Minutes)
How to Rebuild Your Spouse's Trust After an Affair
Surveillance Methods As A Defense

Three Minute Therapy: Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life.
Leaving an Abusive Wife: Pre-Divorce Checklist
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Mistake: An act committed without any knowledge of a possible negative outcome.

Bad Choice: An act committed with awareness of the possible negative outcome but deciding to ignore it or hoping for the best.
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Last edited by morituri; 07-28-2012 at 10:47 PM.
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Old 01-04-2012, 06:57 AM   #238 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just Let Them Go

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Very few people have the emotional fortitude to implement 'Just Let Them Go' from the get go. It usually takes a little bit of time before he/she is finally able to do it.
I will attest to that. It is incredibly difficult to do. One of the things that helped me is that you don't need to feel it to do it.
Do the 180 with your head and your heart will follow, eventually.

It is very empowering and will help you feel better very fast. It is however quite tiring. okay, that is an understatement. It is exhausting, but really, what it the alternative?
You can become a cat lady or one of those guy you see propping up the bar on their own for years and years.
Who needs that. Life is short.
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Old 01-04-2012, 09:03 PM   #239 (permalink)
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I just want to say something here that, for me...really puts life in perspective. All I need to do is think about this person who I am about to tell you about...and it's all I need to help me keep moving forward.

I have been doing hair for the last 25 years. I have heard all sorts of stories from people but the ones that are most heartbreaking to me are the people who have just been diagnosed with cancer. Now you are probably thinking, what does cancer have to do with "Letting Someone Go". To me it's about LIFE and last chances, and doing all the things that make you happy in life...and pretty much living life to the fullest every single day, if you can.

I have an older man who has been getting his hair cut by me for the last 2 years. He is one of those who never really makes an appointment but comes in on a walk-in basis. He has been very loyal to the salon I have owned for 2 years. This is one customer that I did not really get that close to. He was just the kind of person who kept to himself. I honestly only found out his name after doing his hair for a year. Now I wish I had gotten to know him better.

He recently came into my salon for a haircut and he had dropped at least 30 lbs. He was also carrying around an oxygen machine. At the time I didn't ask what was going on, I just assumed he was sick. Maybe had just gotten over pneumonia or something. Well the 2nd time I saw him he had gotten even skinnier. I still didn't know it was cancer until I said, "so how are you feeling..any better?" and he proceeded to tell me that the chemo was getting him down. I was shocked. I had no idea he had cancer. So we started talking about it, and he began to tell me that he was fine one day and then one day out of the blue he had a hard time breathing while going upstairs at his job. Made a Dr. appt. and found out he has stage 4 lung cancer.

So my point is this. Life is too short to waste it on someone that doesn't give a rat's a$$ about you. Life should be spent having fun, laughing with friends, family and your children if you have them. Enjoy your pets, your home, your favorite hobbies because it could all be taken away in such a short time and then what?? I was just thinking that the last 2, almost 3 years I have been crying, upset, devastated, sad, miserable, depressed over someone who doesn't want me, yet I'm healthy!! I couldn't imagine how this customer of mine is looking at his life now...but I certainly don't want to waste another minute pining over someone who threw me to the sharks. LIFE is precious...and seeing this sweet older man going through this breaks my heart. It gives me strength to make the most of my life and to move on.
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Old 03-05-2012, 11:24 AM   #240 (permalink)
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Benatar, you need to start your own thread and not high-jack this one.
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