i like the advice of Just let go,,,im trying but i ve relapsed too many times,,,im devestated
It's never too late to get off and stay off teh wagon.
Originally Posted by Cat3CatGirl
Unless a miracle happens between now and tonight (in that he FINALLY decides to REALLY commit), I am going to tell him to leave until he can truely commit to reconsiling or divorcing.
Wishing you strength. And you should have told him this before you allowed him back home. It's crunch time. He's sitting on the fence. So move the fence for him and tell what YOU will and won't tolerate.
Remember, he can't take you for a roller coaster ride unless you allow it.
I read this and Rob X's reply on page 1 (about #3 or #4 down) really got me to thinking that my situation is just weird. My DH is insecure, at least I think so, but he's the one who had the affair. I believe he's a bit needy and clingy too and that is why he's having such a hard time deciding between R and D. He doesn't have a strong sense of self. Neither do I, but I feel like I have grown tremendously in that respect over the past 1 to 1.5 years, especially the past 7 months. I've learned what is important to me (primarily family). And I've learned that I need a man who REALLY wants to be a family guy. It seems like family is near the bottom of my husband's important things. And it may only be there because he feels like society thinks it should be there. ???
Ironically, this is the one thing I so despretly did not want to do. Now this is the only thing I want to do!!
I guess this would had been the smarter move to make at the start of this whole mess. Me trying to hold on to my WH, well it just keeped his big man image up. He knew I wanted to save our marriage, family, future. He was well aware of the fact that I kept being his door mate, his back-up plan. So why bother to give up his AP. They just went futher under ground every time I caught it.
Oh the lies would start, the cover up the gas-lighting, rug-sweeping. Me trying so despretaly to end the affair. Stop all contact. Try so hard to win him back from the dark side.
Well I got him "back" but its not the same. He isnt the same, I am not the same or family is not the same. And all of the above I metioned is the reason why. He is the one in controll. When it should had been me. So now our "R" is suffering for it. I went about it all wrong, So he thinks he has the upper hand and doesnt have to try very hard.
But the out come to all of it is. I actually have changed. I want to let him go. And made some big steps to make this a reality.. I am shutting down from him. Its not on purpose, it is just naturally occuing because of the attitude and actions from him. Again my fault for not taking the steps that should had been taking..
Now that I am withdrawling emotionally, mentally, physically I am getting glimpses of him realizing this. But to be honest I dont care now.. Thats how withdrawn I am now.
I am still in the process of trying to become more independent. But he is already showing signs of (OH CRAP MOMENTS) where his worst nightmare may be coming to a reality. No more wife who tryies to hard, or cares to much, or wants to talk about "it"..
So yep the just let them go is a good point. It does seem to make a diffrence. Is it to late for us. who's to say what the future will hold, as of now for me..at this moment yep I think so..
But to see his mind whirling with the wth is she up to? Oh crap im loosing my control over her moments is kinda weird, sad, funny, depressing, and flattering at the same time.
If only it would had been along time ago... Now well to little to late as of now.. Sorry chance came chance went and he watched it zoom right past his big over inflated head!! Let just see how much it takes to deflate that sucker..
I wish I could claim credit for this masterpiece but I can't. It belongs to very wise member from another website. It should be etched in the minds of every man and woman who has been the victim on infidelity.
Just Let Them Go
The end result?
The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.
That is the end result.
The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.
Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.
Nothing else works better or quicker.
Let them go.
Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"
Wouldn't that be true love?
If you really loved your spouse,
and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,
wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?
Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.
You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.
I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.
But cheating, no excuses.
Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?
Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.
Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.
And for your last point,
The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.
"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."
You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.
You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.
You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"
I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.
You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.
Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.
I received a lot of amazing advice last year and this when I was going through the hell of infidelity.
Letting go is the hardest most painful thing to do. It took me nearly a year to do it. Boy do I wish I'd had the strength to do it earlier.
As soon as I started letting go and following the advice on this thread my life changed.
I stopped crying, I began to start living again, I prioritised my emotional energy on me and my kids. I told my WH that I was letting him go. I'd had enough of the drama. Didn't want any part of it any more. I realised I couldn't control his actions and concentrated on myself. After 10 months of crying, letting go was the best thing I did. It empowered me and gave me the strength to start picking myself up and start moving on.
As it happens 3 weeks of me 'letting go' was enough to jolt my H out of a deep A fog and we have been in R since April. However, I didn't do it for that reason, I did it to save my own sanity and to regain some self respect.