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Just Let Them Go

308K views 344 replies 106 participants last post by  Evinrude58 
#1 ·
I wish I could claim credit for this masterpiece but I can't. It belongs to very wise member from another website. It should be etched in the minds of every man and woman who has been the victim on infidelity.

Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse,
and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,
wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

And for your last point,
The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.
 
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#94 ·
About this letting go thing... As someone who totally let go "after the fact," by this I mean disclosure, I felt numb about our relationship, whereas now a feel indifference. Is it wrong for me to feel the love ... just slip out of me after she told me? You see... for me, our love died that instant of her disclosure. I actually remember telling her- "You killed US... You killed US," over and over. It was like it(love) just went down a drain somewhere. Many have told me its because this- the "affair" was just a deal-breaker for my type of personality. I do agree with that, but at the same time I feel a little guilt that my "unconditional" love for her could wither away so easily... you know what I mean? Sometimes I think- Did I really love her the way I thought I did? Then I think, "Yeah... I did... It's just that I can't get over this affair thing. Just rambling.
 
#95 ·
I feel a little guilt that my "unconditional" love for her could wither away so easily... you know what I mean? Sometimes I think- Did I really love her the way I thought I did?.
I know EXACTLY what you mean, same here. I don't even trust my own heart anymore, I've always liked to be "in love". It's caused me nothing but problems, I think if I become more comfortable with me I won't be doing that. (that's the theory anyways:D)
 
#96 · (Edited)
I have been reading 2 books on letting go over the past couple of weeks, to help me get my mind, and mainly heart, right to let go. Exploring this issue has helped a lot in getting some clarity.

The problem with letting go is this little problem of the "feeling" of love. When you have that certain feeling in your heart, all the clarity and rationalization in the world get over shadowed by the feeling.

Once the feeling is gone it is soooo much easier to let go, well it is for me at least.

Although we live in the same house we communicate via email, since she has chosen to not speak to me anymore... pisses me off, but that is what I have to deal with for now.

Anyway, I put together an email letting her know that I am letting her go. Basically, I will tell her I love her, but I need to let her go to ease the pain.

Its very painfull for me to tell her this, but I know this is the best thing I can do right now. I am trying to let her go in my heart and mind. Although I am thinking maybe when she sees I am letting her go she may have doubts about leaving. I wont get hopeful about this though, but it would be nice if it happens.

The reality is everything she says and does indicates she has her mind set on leaving me, so no more damage can be done by telling her I am letting her go. A bit of the 180 I guess.

Letting go is key to moving on. In fact, I dont believe you can really move on until you let go of your stbx in your heart. Easier said than done, thats for sure. :(
 
#99 ·
Wrench you hit it- I DON'T trust my love anymore, nor will I ever now. I'm going to be sooooo guarded from now on, more so than I used to be. I don't have a problem attracting the opposite sex whatsoever; It's the letting go and being vulnerable part that I'm going to have trouble with because you have to let your guard down in order to to fully "love" someone and let them in... 'know what I mean. We're ALL jaded a bit after a traumatic experience like this.
 
#104 ·
thank you Mort....I pray it turns out the way I want it to. I am not perfect but I am doing what I can, thank you for the kind words. While I advocate that people try as hard as they can, I cannot and will not push my stance on people, because I have had thoughts of just being done, I used to think that "if infidelity ever happened I would be done, hands down." The fact that me and my spouse are both guilty, despite he more than I, we both did the bad. It doesn't matter if one, the other, or both did it, it all depends on a persons capacity for what they can handle, and if my husband decides he chooses not to forgive me and can't handle a R, I guess then I am a single mom, and he chooses to relinquish a totally salvagable R, whatever, if he chooses to commit, then I know we will be ok, he will be the one who has to face his kids, the kids know that I tried to do what is right and fought, and did what was right despite my wrongdoings.

I do respect that you chose to end your R, I really do Mort, I would have if I hadn't chose to be unfaithful in our situation. If I would have realized the level of my husbands first EA had gotten to, I would have been done, instead I chose to start my own EA/PA, while he had a EA/PA at same time, like a weak idiot....but tomorrow the sun will rise.
 
#105 ·
Paramore,

When I was still married, my then wife and I knew a couple whose husband had a full blown affair and had been on the verge of walking away from his wife to be with the OW. The wife filed for divorce and her unfaithful husband suddenly got religion, dumped the OW and pleaded with his wife for a second chance. She did but never forgave him and years later she was still throwing the affair in his face even in the presence of others. The husband always seemed to have a look of doom and gloom. On a couple of occasions I commented to my ex-wife that I couldn't understand how remaining married under those conditions could be good for any of the spouses.

I would be lying to you that the thought of reconciliation had not occurred to me for a brief time after discovering my ex-wife's infidelity, but I knew that forgiving her would be the toughest thing for me to achieve. I would become the betrayed male version of the couple I spoke about and that definitely I did not want to become. I'd rather not reconcile but forgive her - which I've done - than reconcile and never forgive her.

If the mutual decision is to reconcile, then forgiveness is a must for both.
 
#106 ·
I forgave the first time he had an EA with a coworker. That was 4 years ago. This time, I think the internal struggle was so great because he was fighting it big time, but the OW was an ex gf from high school, so there was that connection to his youth and he was torn. I think that he knew that if he made this mistake, and I found out, there was no coming back. Well, the OW won because I wouldn't stop snooping since I knew in my heart he was being unfaithful. WEll, not they are together only 7 weeks after him moving out. He admitted they've been "talking" for four weeks. But it's been more like 5 MONTHS. He just won't admit it still, even though we both agreed our marriage was over. Not sure who he's trying to protect. Himself? I definitely could not forgive and he knows it.
 
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#107 ·
I could forgive. If she just stopped the affair.
Right now.
I am moving on.
Packing up the last of her stuff and you know what. I warned her already i would not wait. I told her that I will move on.

Full self protection mode, for me, and my children.

I think I could forgive her. one stuff up in 25 years. However every day this goes on I move further from that position.
180 working I suppose.

Damn my heart is toughening up!
 
#108 ·
I L-O-V-E this thread in particular.

I am going on about 7wks of discovering the 2nd affair and needless to say we are getting a divorce.


In the beginning we are in so much shock but when I started to get out of the fog I realized I cannot allow myself to want to be with someone who would disrespect me our just throw our family away like that when they were given a 2nd chance.

I have to love myself enough to know I deserve better and I am a good wife, wonderful woman etc..

Knowing I deserve more than someone's sloppy seconds when I should have always had the 1st and only dibbs.

Why should the hurt spouse feel like we have to wait for them to decide or have this "ah ha" moment they F**d up their life when they decided to take a hall pass doing whatever they want.

I took my vows very seriously and did I ever want this to happen, no. Am I crushed yes, but moving on with it knowing that I get custody of myself back.

I am worth it to be loved unconditionally .. The lyrics of this song "No looking back" ...as I close this chapter I say free at last..I made up my mind there is no turning back..I am looking forward not behind me..there is no looking back.

Yes, I WILL MAKE IT!! One day at a time, what step at a time.

The one post in the original comment indicating be happy around your spouse even if you have to fake it...heck yes I am going to win a freakin Oscar by the time all this is over. Although we are hurt, we cannot give them that power of our happiness or knowing that we are emotionally all jacked up inside temporarily (behind closed doors is another thing :) ..hehehe

They have moved on and did not look back when they made the decision they did so we have to "man-up or woman up" handle our business and keep it moving. Our strength will come we have to take our power back and renew and rebuild our life.

Thank you all for opening up sharing etc....as we go through this phase in our life.
 
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