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Just Let Them Go

308K views 344 replies 106 participants last post by  Evinrude58 
#1 ·
I wish I could claim credit for this masterpiece but I can't. It belongs to very wise member from another website. It should be etched in the minds of every man and woman who has been the victim on infidelity.

Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse,
and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,
wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

And for your last point,
The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.
 
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#149 ·
I know Morituri. One moment I'm feeling good, confident, and feel like I can do this. The next moment or next day, I get this "worried" feeling of losing the one I loved. It feels like an episode from the Twilight Zone regarding our loved ones. I was totally caught off guard with her comments that our marriage was in disarray for the last few years. Even though I'm not perfect, her perspective definitely was twisted. This decision would have been so much easier and better timed back in May when she and I talked about her meeting the OM to see once and for all if there's a future. She told me she felt bad hurting me ( she was sincere and was crying) but described it like an addiction. Now that she's on meds, the affair over (almost 100% sure), I feel like I'm rushing this at a time where there could be recovery. I know she's still hurting from the OM ending it because she listens to music about lost love and losing someone. I wish it was about me, but I'm certain it's about the OM. Sorry for my rambling here. She requested and had a video chat with the kids and I last night. She looked and sounded terrible. The kids let her know they missed her and wanted her back home. I kept my composure and had a smile on my face the whole time saying things have been great. Anyways, thanks for listening to my little rant.
 
#150 ·
Hey no problem.

In the meantime, might I suggest that you don't neglect your own life? Go out with friends, take your kids to fun places, get some exercise, eat healthy, etc. Don't put your life on hold because of her.

You might also want to limit the contact you have with her to just issues relating to the children. I say this because personal interaction with your wife while she's still pining away for the OM is very toxic and keeps you from enjoying the other things in life.
 
#151 ·
Our video chat last night was 90% about the kids or the kids doing all the talking. LOL. I made a little chit-chat about the World Cup Soccer Game and about spending time with friends and family. But you're right. I need to limit the conversations more. Also, I have been exercising for months now. It's always helped me. I am taking the kids out this week for fun too. And I want to get my butt in gear to do some hobbies. I think the more I do these things, these emotions and feelings will get better. I want to get stronger emotionally.
 
#158 ·
My wife had PA and has since filed for divorce..She says she is in love with him and wants a relationship with him, He live an hour and a half away from us...she is 45 and i believe she is going through a midlife crisis..now she has been caught twice with a younger guy here in town and still denies it..she has totally lost my respect and is on the verge of losing respect of all of our friends as well..anyhow this has been very helpful for me. any more advice would help as well...
 
#159 ·
Keep rereading Moritori's "Just Let Them Go" until you believe, own, & can put into action what the words say. It helped me face & accept the situation and gave me clarity & motivation to start working on me. It helped me tremendously. As I am still on the roller coaster I still read it.
 
#165 ·
Another update.
It is now what seems like a lifetime since Dday. [March] My life has changed totally. I am sitting in my house. All traces of my stbxw have gone.
Most days and weeks I am okay. The pain has all but subsided in every day life.

Work is good again.

The kids are hanging out with Dad even when they shouldn't be. It appears that I am cool. It also helps that I have super fast Internet :)

Gradually I have changed myself. I take absolutely no **** off anyone anymore. Least of all my Ex. The 180 continues.

Then..
She finds a button on me to press. I think I have them all covered, but no. She finds it. I fall apart for a day. The whole thing all over again. I am used to it now. Just part of my life.

I get caught by songs too. Songs that before meant nothing now are full of pain. I listen to them until they don't hurt anymore. Their power has gone. A few times I have had to pull over in the car. Just wait.

So this is my life. Some pain. Some Joy and a whole new perspective on the world.

One I had been lucky enough to have avoided for all my adult life.

I was lucky I guess.

She is still in the affair with the OM. He is still married and despite telling her he would separate. He won't. It is so sad.I see my oldest friend destroy her life.
The worst thing is that I know she will come out of this and wonder what happened.
It isn't my problem now. I can not change her.

So sadness continues. It was a 25 year relationship. i am learning to live again.
I am letting go. It feels right to do it.
 
#172 ·
I get caught by songs too. Songs that before meant nothing now are full of pain.

I know how it feels. I was never into pop music and I'm trying to change a few things in my 180 and a few weeks ago I heard a song that reminds me of what my H might think when he meets a woman in a bar when he's out of town


Me not working hard?
Yea right picture that with a kodak
And better yet, go to times square
Take a picture of me with a kodak
Took my life from negative to positive
And I just want y’all know that
And tonight, let’s enjoy life
Pitbull, Nayer, Ne-Yo
[Ne-Yo / Nayer - Chorus]

Tonight I will love love you tonight
Give me everything tonight
For all we know we might not get tomorrow
Let’s do it tonight
I will love love you tonight
Give me everything tonight
For all we know we might not get tomorrow
Lets do it tonight
Let’s do it tonight
Grab somebody sexy tell ‘em hey
Give me everything tonight
Give me everything tonight
Give me everything tonight
Give me everything tonight

Take advantage of tonight
Cause tomorrow I'm off to Dubai to preform for a princess
But tonight, I can make you my queen
And make love to you endless
This is insane: the way the name growin'
Money keep flowin'
Hustlers move aside
So, I'm tiptoein', to keep flowin'
I got it locked up like Lindsay Lohan

Put it on my life, baby,
I make you feel right, baby
Can't promise tomorrow
But, I promise tonight
Excuse me
And I might drink a little more than I should tonight
And I might take you home with me, if I could tonight
And, baby, Ima make you feel so good, tonight
Cause we might not get tomorrow


I choke every time I hear that on the radio

*sorry for the thread jack*
 
#166 ·
I have lots of empathy for where you are at. I understand as I have moments still. Some days are filled with strength then out of the blue, as you said, large & small triggers toss you right back into the bottom of the cave that you managed to climb out of. It's good you have your kids to keep you busy and remind you of the great things in life. I am alone and have spent lots of hours thinking, remembering, feeling. Sometimes they were judt words but what others said is true, it DOES GET BETTER eventually. You seem like a nice person who has his heart in the right place. I believe you will find a loyal someone who will love you like you deserve. Hang in there ING...
 
#170 ·
Do tell his wife , she can then make decisions about her marriage. I would be inclined to send a letter to the HR department copy your wife's boss and another director advising them of the affair, while this may not change your circumstance it may protect other marriages for their predatory behaviour.
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#171 · (Edited)
you say if she wants out just let her go...my situation is we have been married for twenty five years and have been together for thirty, we have two kids one is twenty and one is sixteen...i wish it was that easy to just let go..i know it will become less painful but man this really sucks.I have done all the wrong things and have been fighting her on this for months and she is to the point where she absolutely hates to be around me..things will be final soon and i will be moving out... The i will make it mantra does help but i am not so sure that me leaving and moving on will make her have second thoughts or any remorse and want to come back, nor do i feel i would want her back now.
 
#174 ·
You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.[/I]
my wife is having and EA but she isn't claiming it as such. just rekindling a friendship. how can you apply this last bit of wisdom when she leaves with our three kids and they can barely make rent with the part time job she got?
 
#175 ·
You are no more responsible for her financial needs than you were for what she did. She made the decisions to do what she did and she can live with the problems it created. DO NOT feel empathy for her no matter how much you love her. Think of it like an adult child moving away, sure you want to help, but they need to grow up and learn to do it on their own - you won't be there forever. In the case of spouse, same thing. She chose this road, she will have to live with her decisions and you won't be there to help her forever if she continues down it. She needs to face those realities and you supporting her only enables her behavior further. Would you sign a check that was to the bearer of "go ahead and cheat here's my money to do it"?
 
#176 ·
The big thing is I'm concerned about my kids. She moved about 100 miles away and I'm not able to just go and drop off food and clothes for them. Also how could this play out in court if I don't support them? Will I get slammed with unpaid child support? Three kids + California = Broke!
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#178 ·
"The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner."

It is six months since she left. Yesterday I got a grovelling apology and its all my fault email. She wants to come back.
The only problem with Letting Go. Is that you, well, let go.
I will post the details on another thread. I just wanted to update this thread since it was relevant.
 
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