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Just Let Them Go

308K views 344 replies 106 participants last post by  Evinrude58 
#1 ·
I wish I could claim credit for this masterpiece but I can't. It belongs to very wise member from another website. It should be etched in the minds of every man and woman who has been the victim on infidelity.

Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse,
and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,
wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

And for your last point,
The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.
 
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#185 ·
Letting Go of Responsibility.

This won't apply to everyone but it certainly applied to me and was a hard thing to deal with.


When you let them go you have to not only let your lover go, your friend, and perhaps the Mother or Father of your children.

You have to let the world untangle around you, watching the person you loved so long destroy their life.

For me, this was really hard to do. She is determined to move on with her new sex driven life at the expense of every person she ever loved.

She made the decisions, she chose this. I think it is really, really dumb in spite of leaving me. It is still dumb.

You have to let go of any feeling of responsibility you have too.
 
#189 ·
I wonder sometimes how long this take for some people.

Just let them go.

For me, it was almost 1.5mths after d-day. It was a hard decision. She knew I was ready to let her go when I said I wanted a D. And thanked her for the wonderful 18yrs we had together. I wished her the best in her future.

She broke down and said "I don't want you to go anywhere. I will remain NC. We have been married for 18yrs. Please give me a chance to prove to you how important this marriage is to me. I don't want to be alone."

It all sounds good and very believable. I said,"you can prove all that with NC letter"

Maybe I going too fast. But I'm still not sure what she is thinking. Or what her long term plans are.


Just Let Them Go
 
#190 ·
I wonder sometimes how long this take for some people.

Just let them go.

For me, it was almost 1.5mths after d-day.
Some people do this in about 15 minutes.

Some people never get there and stay locked in a struggle with their spouse/ex-spouse for years on end.

Rob's material is pretty insightful. Rob is a good guy. I'd argue that it's not completely comprehensive and not nuanced, but when you are dealing with the spouse of somebody who is having an affair, 'subtle' fails to get through to them that they need to disentagle themself from the struggle and the kind of needy or manipulative co-dependent behavior that usually goes along with being a BS more often than not.

Trying to argue somebody out of their feelings doesn't work. Trying to manipulate them just makes them resent you.
Trying to control them, begging them, and so on... after a while is just being obstinate.

It most certainly isn't taking control of your own life and taking the lead on your own decission making.

There's a James Ward painting that comes to mind:



Don't be the "Donkey" in this image :)
 
#191 ·
it takes some people longer than others, but you can let them go, i did. he is living in a ramshack trailer his mom gave him, and me and the kiddies are moving into a cute 3 bedroom house in 3 weeks, been at new job two and a half months. i think bankruptcy will be over in oct, then i file, then im free. thing is, i can tell he is back and forth, too bad!!!! just let them go and live your beautiful life :)
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#194 ·
i have for sure, as well as soem coach stuff and from mark as well...all insightful, and has changed my approach to my affair.

while i like alot fo what dr. harley says, robs stuff makes just as much sense...and theres nothing wrong with a two pronged attack to destroy an affair.
 
#196 ·
well in my case i did what i thought was nessasary to destroy the affair before gettting to the point of letting go...

but it coincides a bit with what my therapist has told me.

she mentined that i, myself need to grow as a person. that i need to heal. and from that several things will happen. ill end up letting go of the things i cant control, and in a lot of ways, lettting go of the marriage. but at the same time i need to personally heal before i enter into ANY relationship, marriage or new. as well itll make me a better person. and that raises my "value" (respect for myself and dignity). by doing that my wife would start to realize who and what i am as opposed to the OM who is really of low value.

by letting go of the marriage and focusing on myself, she would actually take notice and start to gravitate towards me again. but really thats the side effect of my own personal growth. I become more confident, my self assured. i worry about my self. and again raise my value to myself.

and as the affair suffers (esp from all the other stuff i did, like esposure and meeting her needs) notice that the grass isnt greener on the other side, but i also provide nice shade and aplace to be happy in again.

i guess what im trying to say is that by letting go it boosts me, but affects her, and as it affects her, it affects the affair. and more than likely in a negative , slow death kinda way.
 
#197 ·
well in my case i did what i thought was nessasary to destroy the affair before gettting to the point of letting go...
OK, good. You had me worried :)

The funny thing about letting go is that... people usually do it after trying everything else first, and then when they really let go, sometimes their spouse gets all needy since there is no doormat to fall back on and presses for more commitment ... and decreases any chance that the affair is going to fly.

Weird, sometimes-unintended consequence. The intended consequence is to embrace life again so that you can be ready for somebody who will really value you.
 
#199 ·
Doesn't this all boil down to what many tell the newbie , that "distance your self and focus on your self" when one comes to this form after ...or even before d day, or the confrontation.

A self improvement that will stress the A and make the LS more attractive. I think the best course of action when this cheating crap starts snowballing is to "just let them go".

Granted at the time it was hard as hell but after d day and moving on to confronting I felt like I had to just let her go, and it worked.

Its so hard to see it though, I mean your 1st instinct is to beg and cry for the marriage, but as all us veterians now it only empowers the DS.

If anything can be learned or more importantly be implimented when the sh!t storm of infidelity starts with the flags and then discovery it having the strangth to just let them go.

Even at 1st, it may be all but a perception, you need to show your wayward tthis, and as emotional as it is this perseption is the best course of action even with the strong emotion of unconditional love one has when it all starts to unfold.

It seems the typical course of action in that some beg&plead, then fake R and then finaly the "just move on" . when if it was the other way around then it would be "move on", then DS does the begging and then the hopes of a true R, and I use the words true R loosely.

Just my $0.02
 
#200 ·
I really appreciate this thread. I find myself coming back to this thread from time to time to help reassure myself that I'm doing the right thing. I've found that letting go came easier to me over time as I focused on myself and my kids while my wife lives a thousand miles away.
She's been chatting with the kids and I keep my chats with her brief and I always end our chats. Today she PISSED me off though. Said I haven't been available enough on my computers in the evening so she can chat with the kids. She even said she wondered if this was my way of getting back at her. Truth is, the kids and I are leading busy lives and it's hard to always be available at a specific time. It's easy for my wife. No job. No nothing.But I responded in a positive manner and said we would try to do a better job and if I'm not on my computer when she wants to chat that she can CALL us on our PHONE. Amazing concept, huh? Anyways, it's moments like this that confirms that letting go is the right thing.
 
#201 ·
Thank you for this thread. I am not 'there' yet and not sure when or if I will be, put I will read 'Let them go' daily. We have 2 very young children (2 and 4 yrs old) so letting go is especially difficult. There is also the huge financial strain we are under right now (like had to sell off jewelry it's so bad).
 
#202 ·
Houstondad,
You did good and can I add, that a more devent response would have been "you left so now you are on our schedule, staying home and taking the hard road to repair a marrige would have been better then working on a computor time with the kids a 1,000 miles from them". Again a devient thing! You took the high road.

You sir are admirable and fair, do not change.
 
#204 ·
I sent my "just let them go" email this morning. It felt good. I have realized that with all the lies, deceit, and hurt continuing to pile on I had no other choice. Her EA and the choice to maintain contact with OM shows the ultimate disrespect to me, our marriage, and our kids. If this is what she wants, let her have it.
 
#206 ·
Hello All I must say I have gained much insight and sanity from this whole thread, on just letting go

As for my situation, I am divorced, I have been for four months now, I was married for nine years, my ex wife has run off with a co worker, she hid this from me even while we were separated and during that time we said that we would work on each other and come back together, the whole time I did not know she was already in a full blown relationship with her coworker, once I found out she became real cold and told me that I was pressuring her, when all I asked was make a decision him or me, she chose him, I am trying my best to let her go, I'm dating casually, I dont call or txt or email anymore, its been a month since we spoke I told her that I cant be her friend, and that i wouldnt contact her anymore, well she recently contacted me asking did I have any of her paper work, which she knows I dont becuase she has been out the house for a year now

Im trying my best to let her go, the problem is that, even after all that has happened I still love her so much, and her recent phone call to me just messed me all up, I didnt answer the call she left a message and i just emailed her and said "I dont have anything of yours" this is so hard I'm sorry if Im all over the place with this post

I just figured I'd contribute since I read this thread everyday, still trying to let go, it seems almost impossible
 
#207 ·
StillLost consider sending her an email telling her flat out "Don´t contact me anymore". In the meantime ignore any attempts by her to contact you and she will eventually will get the message that you are through with her. Good luck.
 
#208 ·
I read this a few weeks ago and put it into effect almost 2 weeks ago. He said he was on a business trip and I found his car in front of her condo (well, 'their' condo as both names were on the buzzer). I called him and let him know that I knew where he was. He came out, we argued, I cried and then told him he needed to leave. He told me he was planning on leaving that week and was going to talk to me about it. I told him 'no - you need to leave RIGHT NOW'. He wanted to wait til that night so he could say goodbye to the kids. I told him NO- you will go to the house right now, pack some things and leave. BU that night he was already texting me about how he missed me, he was so confused and lost. Can I just say, though I was still emotional...I already had started feeling stronger and everyday it has gotten better. The first week I still had a rough time when he came to see the kids (every other day). I finally told him I needed REAL space and he needed to stay away for 4 days. He did and it was wonderful. It really helped me find the clarity and strength I didn't even know existed. I had spent 2.5 months drawing the line in the sand, he kept crossing it - and I kept allowing him to. No more. I'm not saying it has been easy, but reading 'Just Let Them Go' every day is such a huge help to me. I keep it on phone and read it daily. The past few days we have had to spend significant time together because of our daughters birthday, school functions, etc. and it's been great. I don't feel sad around him...I feel like I am in control, confident and strong. Our future is still uncertain...he really has a lot of work to do on himself before I can even consider working on our marriage (if ever), but I feel like I am going to be okay.
 
#209 ·
but reading 'Just Let Them Go' every day is such a huge help to me. I keep it on phone and read it daily. The past few days we have had to spend significant time together because of our daughters birthday, school functions, etc. and it's been great. I don't feel sad around him...I feel like I am in control, confident and strong. Our future is still uncertain...he really has a lot of work to do on himself before I can even consider working on our marriage (if ever), but I feel like I am going to be okay.
Sometimes 'Just Let Them Go' is reminiscent of the Serenity prayer in finding the courage to change the things we can and to accept the things one cannot change.

No matter what happens, you WILL make it. You can bet on it.
 
#210 ·
This is one of the best posts I have ever read!!! As painful as it is nothing brings us more peace than let go, it took me a long time to realize this. You try to hold on and hold on and hold on sometimes to the point you will lose your dignity your mind and for what???? Just let them go. You will make it one way or the other and get stronger in the process.
 
#211 ·
I pray for the strength to even let go a little bit. 4 months after the EA finished and he tells me he loves me but the spark has gone! But he still sleeps in the same bed and wants to do stuff together. My heart is breaking. After 18 years and 3 children together how do I just let go? I'm too weak!
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#214 ·
I can't say if 'I got him back'. It's only been 2 weeks but he has definitely been miserable and realizing he can't have both. The last several days he been asking for hugs and affection when he leaves from visiting the kids. A couple of nights ago though he took several GIANT steps backwards and flew into a rage when he realized he wasn't invited to the birthday party I threw for our daughter. He realized he has really separated himself from the family and it's hitting him hard. I think I went in into the "Let them Go' theory thinking it would bring him back, but now 2 weeks out...I'm not so sure I want him back. That's because the rest of it rang true - I regained my dignity and realized I deserve to be valued, and he certainly wasn't valuing me. I also realized that if he does want me back, there is a lot of work to be done and I am not ready. But I definitely think it opened his eyes.
 
#216 ·
I'm new here this week and I love this thread. I had always thought that once the spouse takes the real fun out of the affair than there's not much left. The elicit nature of an affair I always figured was the best part. Once everything is outed and especially if the cheated on spouse moves on it's just another relationship.
 
#217 ·
Bump!
I l ove this thread
It's hard. But I'm letting go! I have told him we are spreading after Xmas. I feel relief and at peace. I still adore him. But I can't rely on him to make me happy any more. I have to do that for myself!
But last night, he wanted to make love!! Is that allowed when ur trying to let go??
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