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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Just Let Them Go

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 04-30-2011, 04:30 AM   #91 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just Let Them Go

This cracked me up from the same thread.

Reminds me of that Woody Allen joke: "I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would have someone like me as a member."
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Old 04-30-2011, 09:44 AM   #92 (permalink)
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This cracked me up from the same thread.

Reminds me of that Woody Allen joke: "I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would have someone like me as a member."
I thought it was Groucho Marx who said that
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Old 04-30-2011, 04:04 PM   #93 (permalink)
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I thought it was Groucho Marx who said that
Your right. I just lifted that whole thing as a quote. Slacker..

That entire thread is fascinating.
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Old 04-30-2011, 05:19 PM   #94 (permalink)
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About this letting go thing... As someone who totally let go "after the fact," by this I mean disclosure, I felt numb about our relationship, whereas now a feel indifference. Is it wrong for me to feel the love ... just slip out of me after she told me? You see... for me, our love died that instant of her disclosure. I actually remember telling her- "You killed US... You killed US," over and over. It was like it(love) just went down a drain somewhere. Many have told me its because this- the "affair" was just a deal-breaker for my type of personality. I do agree with that, but at the same time I feel a little guilt that my "unconditional" love for her could wither away so easily... you know what I mean? Sometimes I think- Did I really love her the way I thought I did? Then I think, "Yeah... I did... It's just that I can't get over this affair thing. Just rambling.
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Old 04-30-2011, 05:28 PM   #95 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by ahhhmaaaan! View Post
I feel a little guilt that my "unconditional" love for her could wither away so easily... you know what I mean? Sometimes I think- Did I really love her the way I thought I did?.
I know EXACTLY what you mean, same here. I don't even trust my own heart anymore, I've always liked to be "in love". It's caused me nothing but problems, I think if I become more comfortable with me I won't be doing that. (that's the theory anyways)
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Old 04-30-2011, 06:55 PM   #96 (permalink)
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I have been reading 2 books on letting go over the past couple of weeks, to help me get my mind, and mainly heart, right to let go. Exploring this issue has helped a lot in getting some clarity.

The problem with letting go is this little problem of the "feeling" of love. When you have that certain feeling in your heart, all the clarity and rationalization in the world get over shadowed by the feeling.

Once the feeling is gone it is soooo much easier to let go, well it is for me at least.

Although we live in the same house we communicate via email, since she has chosen to not speak to me anymore... pisses me off, but that is what I have to deal with for now.

Anyway, I put together an email letting her know that I am letting her go. Basically, I will tell her I love her, but I need to let her go to ease the pain.

Its very painfull for me to tell her this, but I know this is the best thing I can do right now. I am trying to let her go in my heart and mind. Although I am thinking maybe when she sees I am letting her go she may have doubts about leaving. I wont get hopeful about this though, but it would be nice if it happens.

The reality is everything she says and does indicates she has her mind set on leaving me, so no more damage can be done by telling her I am letting her go. A bit of the 180 I guess.

Letting go is key to moving on. In fact, I dont believe you can really move on until you let go of your stbx in your heart. Easier said than done, thats for sure.

Last edited by troy; 04-30-2011 at 07:00 PM.
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Old 04-30-2011, 07:02 PM   #97 (permalink)
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Good stuff Troy, what are the books?

I can feel it slowly happening with me, I think I was in more of a groove than "in love". It's more like the love I have for my relatives, it feels like she died and I'm in mourning.
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Old 04-30-2011, 07:03 PM   #98 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by ahhhmaaaan! View Post
About this letting go thing... As someone who totally let go "after the fact," by this I mean disclosure, I felt numb about our relationship, whereas now a feel indifference. Is it wrong for me to feel the love ... just slip out of me after she told me? You see... for me, our love died that instant of her disclosure. I actually remember telling her- "You killed US... You killed US," over and over. It was like it(love) just went down a drain somewhere. Many have told me its because this- the "affair" was just a deal-breaker for my type of personality. I do agree with that, but at the same time I feel a little guilt that my "unconditional" love for her could wither away so easily... you know what I mean? Sometimes I think- Did I really love her the way I thought I did? Then I think, "Yeah... I did... It's just that I can't get over this affair thing. Just rambling.

I am sure you loved her the way you thought you did. The advice I am going to give to you is don't be too hasty, you may have a heart change. Now I am not saying that you are wrong in your stance by any means. A month from now, 6 months from now you may think differently, you may not, you will know within your heart when it is right to move on or work on it.

My situation is that I know I love my silly dork, he is fundamentally a wonderful man, and I still see it within him, he's just askew right now, I choose to give it time, a month from now I may say I am done, I have done that many days, but then I waver.....because I adore that man, despite what happened. I just know in my heart I am not ready to be done, I almost took the kids and moved to my sisters the other day, but that would have been a decision made out of emotion. Just give it some time ahh, I don't know what your outcome will be, I wish I did, cuz if I could predict the future, damn I would be rich lol, but I do respect your position.
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Old 04-30-2011, 08:04 PM   #99 (permalink)
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Wrench you hit it- I DON'T trust my love anymore, nor will I ever now. I'm going to be sooooo guarded from now on, more so than I used to be. I don't have a problem attracting the opposite sex whatsoever; It's the letting go and being vulnerable part that I'm going to have trouble with because you have to let your guard down in order to to fully "love" someone and let them in... 'know what I mean. We're ALL jaded a bit after a traumatic experience like this.
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Old 04-30-2011, 08:07 PM   #100 (permalink)
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amen ahhhh
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Old 04-30-2011, 08:18 PM   #101 (permalink)
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...at the same time I feel a little guilt that my "unconditional" love for her could wither away so easily... you know what I mean? Sometimes I think- Did I really love her the way I thought I did? Then I think, "Yeah... I did... It's just that I can't get over this affair thing. Just rambling.
As I said before, when it comes to dealing with the unfaithfulness of a spouse, love is simply not enough.

An analogy would be the tsunami that hit Japan last month. Thousands of people died, some were injured to varying degrees and others were unharmed. Granted that the victims of the tsunami did not choose to die or become injured, but the point is that each one of them experienced the ordeal differently. Infidelity is a tsunami which has claimed lives - some have even committed suicide and/or murder - , destroyed marriages and families. There are as well, heroic survivors who endure the greatest of pain and not only manage to reconcile with their unfaithful spouses but become better people than they were before the ordeal.

My point is that infidelity will harm people in different ways and there is no shame in a betrayed spouse acknowledging that he/she cannot take back their unfaithful spouse. It is what it is.
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Old 04-30-2011, 08:23 PM   #102 (permalink)
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My point is that infidelity will harm people in different ways and there is no shame in a betrayed spouse acknowledging that he/she cannot take back their unfaithful spouse. It is what it is.

I agree Mort...different strokes for different folks.
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Old 04-30-2011, 08:26 PM   #103 (permalink)
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My point is that infidelity will harm people in different ways and there is no shame in a betrayed spouse acknowledging that he/she cannot take back their unfaithful spouse. It is what it is.

I agree Mort...different strokes for different folks.
Paramore, you belong in the heroic group. I wish you much success.
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Old 04-30-2011, 08:35 PM   #104 (permalink)
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thank you Mort....I pray it turns out the way I want it to. I am not perfect but I am doing what I can, thank you for the kind words. While I advocate that people try as hard as they can, I cannot and will not push my stance on people, because I have had thoughts of just being done, I used to think that "if infidelity ever happened I would be done, hands down." The fact that me and my spouse are both guilty, despite he more than I, we both did the bad. It doesn't matter if one, the other, or both did it, it all depends on a persons capacity for what they can handle, and if my husband decides he chooses not to forgive me and can't handle a R, I guess then I am a single mom, and he chooses to relinquish a totally salvagable R, whatever, if he chooses to commit, then I know we will be ok, he will be the one who has to face his kids, the kids know that I tried to do what is right and fought, and did what was right despite my wrongdoings.

I do respect that you chose to end your R, I really do Mort, I would have if I hadn't chose to be unfaithful in our situation. If I would have realized the level of my husbands first EA had gotten to, I would have been done, instead I chose to start my own EA/PA, while he had a EA/PA at same time, like a weak idiot....but tomorrow the sun will rise.
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Old 04-30-2011, 09:18 PM   #105 (permalink)
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Paramore,

When I was still married, my then wife and I knew a couple whose husband had a full blown affair and had been on the verge of walking away from his wife to be with the OW. The wife filed for divorce and her unfaithful husband suddenly got religion, dumped the OW and pleaded with his wife for a second chance. She did but never forgave him and years later she was still throwing the affair in his face even in the presence of others. The husband always seemed to have a look of doom and gloom. On a couple of occasions I commented to my ex-wife that I couldn't understand how remaining married under those conditions could be good for any of the spouses.

I would be lying to you that the thought of reconciliation had not occurred to me for a brief time after discovering my ex-wife's infidelity, but I knew that forgiving her would be the toughest thing for me to achieve. I would become the betrayed male version of the couple I spoke about and that definitely I did not want to become. I'd rather not reconcile but forgive her - which I've done - than reconcile and never forgive her.

If the mutual decision is to reconcile, then forgiveness is a must for both.
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