I forgave the first time he had an EA with a coworker. That was 4 years ago. This time, I think the internal struggle was so great because he was fighting it big time, but the OW was an ex gf from high school, so there was that connection to his youth and he was torn. I think that he knew that if he made this mistake, and I found out, there was no coming back. Well, the OW won because I wouldn't stop snooping since I knew in my heart he was being unfaithful. WEll, not they are together only 7 weeks after him moving out. He admitted they've been "talking" for four weeks. But it's been more like 5 MONTHS. He just won't admit it still, even though we both agreed our marriage was over. Not sure who he's trying to protect. Himself? I definitely could not forgive and he knows it.
I could forgive. If she just stopped the affair.
Right now.
I am moving on.
Packing up the last of her stuff and you know what. I warned her already i would not wait. I told her that I will move on.
Full self protection mode, for me, and my children.
I think I could forgive her. one stuff up in 25 years. However every day this goes on I move further from that position.
180 working I suppose.
I am going on about 7wks of discovering the 2nd affair and needless to say we are getting a divorce.
In the beginning we are in so much shock but when I started to get out of the fog I realized I cannot allow myself to want to be with someone who would disrespect me our just throw our family away like that when they were given a 2nd chance.
I have to love myself enough to know I deserve better and I am a good wife, wonderful woman etc..
Knowing I deserve more than someone's sloppy seconds when I should have always had the 1st and only dibbs.
Why should the hurt spouse feel like we have to wait for them to decide or have this "ah ha" moment they F**d up their life when they decided to take a hall pass doing whatever they want.
I took my vows very seriously and did I ever want this to happen, no. Am I crushed yes, but moving on with it knowing that I get custody of myself back.
I am worth it to be loved unconditionally .. The lyrics of this song "No looking back" ...as I close this chapter I say free at last..I made up my mind there is no turning back..I am looking forward not behind me..there is no looking back.
Yes, I WILL MAKE IT!! One day at a time, what step at a time.
The one post in the original comment indicating be happy around your spouse even if you have to fake it...heck yes I am going to win a freakin Oscar by the time all this is over. Although we are hurt, we cannot give them that power of our happiness or knowing that we are emotionally all jacked up inside temporarily (behind closed doors is another thing :-) ..hehehe
They have moved on and did not look back when they made the decision they did so we have to "man-up or woman up" handle our business and keep it moving. Our strength will come we have to take our power back and renew and rebuild our life.
Thank you all for opening up sharing etc....as we go through this phase in our life.
I'm moving on too. I4U2011, your post was very inspiring. This aint my Hubs first affair either. I HAVE to move on but yes, I am so hurt. I am so, so, so hurt. Somne days I dont want to go on anymore but I keep trudging forward. I know I will get there eventually and someday meet someone who will actually give 2 sh*ts about me. My hubs is the type of man who will always cheat, no matter who he is with. To quote Carrie Underwood in her song, Before he cheats, "The next time that he cheats, it won't be on me". He can be someone else's problem. If that ow wants him, she can have him. She would deserve the pain he's only going to bring to her anyways.
Wrench you hit it- I DON'T trust my love anymore, nor will I ever now. I'm going to be sooooo guarded from now on, more so than I used to be. I don't have a problem attracting the opposite sex whatsoever; It's the letting go and being vulnerable part that I'm going to have trouble with because you have to let your guard down in order to to fully "love" someone and let them in... 'know what I mean. We're ALL jaded a bit after a traumatic experience like this.
I know man, I have a couple old divorced and jaded uncles. I'm here reading stuff everyday so I don't end up like that.
Here's something that I found and wanted to share with all of you:
Quote:
Strong Medicine for Broken Marriages -- Date Other People
Here’s another true case study:
Liz R. of Seattle was separated from her husband, Raymond.
She desperately wanted to get back together with him and try to
work things out. The problem was, her husband refused to see her,
or even speak with her on the telephone. For months, Liz called
Raymond, left messages on his answering machine, wrote him let-
ters, but he ignored all of it.
Liz’s therapist suggested she file for divorce because the situ-
ation had grown hopeless. This left Liz despondent. She felt that
her therapist was right, and only being realistic, but she still didn’t
want to accept it.
Then one day, a man who worked in Liz’s office asked her out
for a date. Liz wasn’t interested in dating anyone else, but she
accepted only because she thought it would be nice to have some-
one to talk to, and to just go out and have a nice dinner with a man
once again.
So Liz and her date went to a popular restaurant, and as they
were eating and having a nice time, Liz’s husband Raymond hap-
pened to walk in and see his wife laughing and talking with another
man. Raymond turned right around and went back out. Liz had
seen him, and felt terrible. On the other hand, his behavior was the
same -- as soon as he saw her, he got away from her as fast as he
could.
But as soon as Liz returned home, her phone was ringing. It
was Raymond. He was furious that she had been out with another
man. Of course, Liz said to him: “Raymond, you finally decided to
talk to me. I’ve been calling you for six months and I haven’t heard
a peep out of you. What did you expect me to do? Wait for you for-
ever?”
The next day, Raymond agreed to meet with Liz and their therapist.
They later reconciled.
At first, the dating others strategy seems like a simple ploy to
make the other spouse jealous, and in a way, that’s part of the rea-
son it works. But the psychology behind the idea goes much deep-
er.
Let’s look at the example of Liz. For six months, she humbled
herself, pleaded, begged, acted desperate, and what did it get her?
Nothing. Also, by acting in this way, she was sending a message to
her estranged husband. She was telling him: “I’m a loser. Nobody
else wants me. I need you to make me complete. I’m nothing by
myself.”
Now, ask yourself: How many men want to date a desperate
loser that nobody else wants? Not very many. But when Liz demonstrated
she indeed had value -- enough value to attract other men -
- she started sending the opposite message to her husband. She
was saying: “Look at me! I’m in demand! Other men value me! You
better get off your duff and claim me back while you still can!”
The dating other strategy has some pitfalls to be aware of, how-
ever. For one thing, the other person you decide to date is a real
human being with real feelings. To simply use another person as a
ploy to lure your spouse back is not a good thing to do. Also, it’s very
easy for human beings to start doing a lot more than dating -- that
means having sex, getting involved, and developing feelings for
these other people. The picture can get quite complicated very fast. Some marriage repair experts recommend you merely “enjoy the
company of other people.” That means not going to far because
your ultimate goal is to get back with your spouse, eventually. The
bottom line is, if you use this strategy, keep a level head and your
eye on the ultimate goal. You don’t want to hurt anyone else along
the way. But if you have run out of all other options, dating others
may be your only alternative. Just remember you’re playing with
powerful medicine, and you need to handle the situation with care.
You may not agree with this and its fine, but from personal experience - and the experiences of others I know of - this works. More so if its part of your personal recovery and not as a manipulation tool to get your unfaithful spouse back.
Right now husband in sitting room, as not moved out yet. I am cleaning bedroon, and just changed bed. Hate that he is not in my bed anymore. Really have a big urge to go and hug him, just want to to be right. Find it so hard to be happy when he seems so much on edge today You are all so good at detatching!
Right now husband in sitting room, as not moved out yet. I am cleaning bedroon, and just changed bed. Hate that he is not in my bed anymore. Really have a big urge to go and hug him, just want to to be right. Find it so hard to be happy when he seems so much on edge today You are all so good at detatching!
The death of something you hold so dear - your marriage - is painful. But remember pain is inevitable because its part of life, but misery is not. Choose to refuse being miserable by following the following rules:
Quote:
"WARNING: Do not use these strategies as a manipulative tool to change what your spouse is doing. He/she will pick up on your motive and see through it. He/she will easily manipulate you back to where he/she wants you (wherever that was to make you predictable and controllable.)
You engage in these exercises and strategies because you want to for you. You know that this is the best way to live and at this point, be in relationship with your spouse. This is the best way for you to survive and retain integrity.
Here’s the kicker. A by-product of these efforts is usually dramatic changes on the part of your spouse. Don’t be surprised if he/she moves closer. Don’t be surprised if he/she does a double-take. Don’t be surprised if he/she decides to “work on the marriage.” But, don’t expect it!
1) Act Happy. Be as cheerful as possible. Be positive. Put on this behavior when you have contact with your spouse. Prepare yourself to act this way. Practice if need be. Be an actor, actress if need be. Fake it, if you must. Fake it til you truly do get to the point where you experience your life as positive. (It really is, you know!)
2) Get a life. Rekindle old hobbies or interests that you have discarded but still interest you. Try out new hobbies or interests. Think about what you really liked doing when you were 6 years old. Start doing that. (One coaching client “gave up dancing,” which was a passion, for her family and husband. Once she discovered his affair, she took it up again. She loved it. It was therapeutic. But, boy did he have a problem with it!).
3) Focus on 4 key words. Every day, every hour and every minute if need be, plaster your mind with these 4 life-saving words: I WILL MAKE IT! This becomes your mantra. Wake up with it. Put it on your mirror. Eat lunch with it. Go to sleep with it. Tell, convey in every which way to your spouse that you WILL MAKE IT. Say, “I will make it! I perfer to make it with you (if that is what you REALLY want), but if that doesn’t happen, I will make it without you. Either way, I want you to know that I will make it.” State with erect, confident body language, unblinking, direct eye contact and calm, firm, consistent tone of voice.
4) To-the-point small talk. Make conversations with your spouse brief and to the point. Talk only about the solutions to specific problems that need to be addressed, such a particular bills, household or children concerns. Let silence prevail if he/she wants to “hook” you into melodrama. Politely but firmly end such conversations.5) Tend to agree. Try to find the kernel of truth in what your spouse is saying and agree with it. Acknowledge it. He/she says, “I don’t love you
anymore.” You say, “It certainly seems that way. Thank you for your truthfulness.”He/she says, “I’m not sure what I want.” You say, “Yes, it must be confusing for you.” He/she says, “I’m thinking of moving out.” You say, “Do you have an idea of when you’re going to do that? Knowing would help me plan for my activities.”
6) Expand your social relationships, including those of the OPPOSITE SEX.Make new friends. Go to lunch. Surround yourself with interesting people who have the potential to care about you. Rekindle old friendships that have faded. With the
opposite sex? Yes! I’m not talking about a revenge affair or sleeping with someone. I’m not talking about dating for the purposes of forming a committed relationship, but to form true friendships(plural) and learning about you and how you relate, especially to those of the opposite sex.
7) Get sexy – in a healthy way. Get in shape. Lose weight. Run. Walk. Exercise. Eat right. Enjoy your body. Take supplements. Take extreme care of your body. Begin to feel healthy…and healthy is sexy. Focus on one of these tactics and begin now. Don’t wait."
Here's something that I found and wanted to share with all of you:
You may not agree with this and its fine, but from personal experience - and the experiences of others I know of - this works. More so if its part of your personal recovery and not as a manipulation tool to get your unfaithful spouse back.
Right now husband in sitting room, as not moved out yet. I am cleaning bedroon, and just changed bed. Hate that he is not in my bed anymore. Really have a big urge to go and hug him, just want to to be right. Find it so hard to be happy when he seems so much on edge today You are all so good at detatching!
I understand how you feel Reindeer. My hub is still living home too. He should be moving out sometime this week but we've not slept in the same bed in 2 weeks now. And he is here right now and I want to hug him, I want to hold him, I want him to make everything better but I have to realize that he is in no state to make anything better until he makes himself better. And while he is carrying on his affair, nothing will get better except for what I make better myself and that is me. I can make me better Detaching is not easy. It's killing me. I have to muster up every last ounce of strength in me to do this. This is why I force NC between us. Of course, I do have to talk to him bc we have kids, but I keep it extremely limited. It's very hard being away from him but right now, it is what I must do.
Morituri, thankyou, I really like short things to remember like
'pain is inevitable because its part of life, but misery is not' it reminds me what to do.
Apple Ducklings thankyou too, for understanding. It is so physically painful isn't it? I will send you a hug instead!
Anyway have not given in. He cooked roast dinner for us all, brought me a glass of port while I was cleaning. We are all sat watching tv now. He looks very tired and fed up.. He is working tomorrow although a public holiday, I think to save money for his new accommodation. While he looks like this ,it is easier not to want to talk to him ,and not hug him, and I have been looking up funny things on You Tube to show my daughter and humming too!
Thanks to this thread and a mental shift I had a good weekend.
Not a bearable weekend. A good one. Some people will not agree with this..
Saturday was my bagle date. We sat in a park and talked.
We enjoyed each others company, it felt good to be out and about. It felt good to be laughing with them.
Sunday morning.
Cleaned and organised the house. Put her stuff in piles. Got some boxes out. Lots of physical exercise!
Second Date..
This one was a surprise . Got a text from somebody else "Want to go see some art?"
Many, many hours later I returned home after art, drinks, a meal. This was very, very nice.
I came home. Slept well and woke up this morning feeling positive.
Lesson Learnt
This is the same thing my WW went through.
This is and was her choice every single step of the way. From the first "hello" on the first date, sharing a bottle of wine when you know it will lower your resistance. To where it is now.
Sure makes it easier to let go when you realise how easy it is even when you really like the person to NOT GO THERE.
She chose to hurt me
She chose to break up our family.
She chose to do this.
She continues to do this.
We have a hard time accepting that the person we loved for so long could do this to us. Fact is. They did.
You might not recognize then. But that is who they are now.
{ Think I may get Mr Grumpy out today }
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Re: Just Let Them Go 
You are all so good at detatching!
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