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Just Let Them Go

308K views 344 replies 106 participants last post by  Evinrude58 
#1 ·
I wish I could claim credit for this masterpiece but I can't. It belongs to very wise member from another website. It should be etched in the minds of every man and woman who has been the victim on infidelity.

Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse,
and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,
wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

And for your last point,
The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.
 
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#301 ·
It is quiet a few years since this was first posted and it meant an awful lot to me then The feelings of those on the thread at the time aligned ,for just a few hours we were empowered. I can't tell you how good that felt. Since then there have been some awful times and many tears of course.
My children grew up faster than they should have. I suffered pain for myself and them that I would not care to repeat.
All this time my mantra
"Let go! Just let her go..."

After a quater of a century with the same person this is not easy to do and challenges every idea of love and trust you ever had.
It is tempting to be revisionist and say that is was always bad. It is tempting to land all the failures and all the losses at their feet.

This is not letting go. This leads to an entrenched bitterness that eats you up. There are so many who live with that for the rest of their lives. I wish I could say that I am no longer bitter or angry but the disrespect shown to my kids future still burns. It is okay to be angry for the kids.
I have talked to people who 25 years later after the event who remain furious. It doesn't affect them in daily life and perhaps we would not be human if we could forgive everything

Let them go and move on. You can never have that person you loved and trusted back. They are gone. Perhaps in the future you can love and trust them again. In most cases this does not happen, not because they don't come back but because they are no longer wanted.
Trust your screaming gut wrenching pain and let them go.

"The greater the love the greater the pain in it's loss"
 
#308 ·
If only letting go was something you only had to do once. And you're letting go of so many things beyond the person. You're letting of a part of yourself as well if they had become a part of you. We can't save people from being foolish and selfish and evil, yet at the same time we loved and cherished them. They are no longer the same person ... it's hard to fathom yet it's true. Did they change of their own accord, undue influence or both? Perhaps those who remain furious are those who loved so much and for that reason had trouble letting go or were dealing with a remorseless cheater. I don't blame them for their anger and it saddened me how I could not release my own at times for the benefit of my own well-being. Having children with a cheater is the worst of all. IMO, a cheating spouse is not worthy of the title mother or father, and I don't care what anyone says about that.
 
#304 ·
Read the whole thread. Hope Morituri is well. Was sad to see the link to Bad Medicines post. Was a medic, killed in action in Afghanistan. Loved his wife, and was concerned about his marriage.
Posted via Mobile Device
RIP.
 
#307 ·
This one is even better than The 180. And The 180 has helped me a lot. But this one helped me more, and continues to, because I've come to realize my marriage was already gone a long time before he started his latest affair. I use elements from both every day to help me get through.

STBX's current OW is his Exit Affair. He's with her right now in his new place, while we're still technically married. He just moved out two weeks ago.

I regret every time I've shown him how much his choices have devastated me. But I don't regret telling him last night that I have no ill will towards him, and hope he will be happy.

The trouble is, you have to truly believe these words (or be an Academy Award Winning-caliber actor) to sell the point. Good thing I can act. I'm not quite truly there yet, but I look forward to that day and can see it coming.
 
#310 ·
Start your own thread in Going Through Divorce.... you will get a lot of advice
 
#312 ·
Having one of those days where i think about all the disrespect i endured these last few months while i was with her. I should have left her in February instead i stayed and endured hell in my house. I know i will let her go" hell irs not even the love im having trouble with anymore. Seems like everyday some little thing adds up. Like yesterday i realized she was having unprotected sex with her AP. She started to douche, had some vagisil body wash. And at the end she wouldn't have sex with me . Its just makes my head hurt thinking about the lack of respect she had for me to put my life at risk. After 20 years and it prolly took months for her to allow her AP to do this. "Lettin her go" i want this so much. But will this resentment ever leave when i see her with her new dude when our divorce is final how will i reacted? When my daughter realizes that her mom is allowing another man to sleep at her house and she tells me? Seems like i will have to relive "Letting her go" over and over again. And forgiveness is a whole other thread.
 
#316 ·
I just read through this whole thread. Wow, so much emotion over the past years from so many here.

It is good to follow those who have been through the trenches and can show us newbies that WE will be ok!!!!

Thank you for directing me here, No More Beans!! This is a wonderful thread for all of us! And the funny stuff was awesome!!! Made me giggle!

The very first post is as good, or better than the 180. I will keep both of them with me and on my tack board at my desk. Good reminders to value ourselves above all, as we can't take care of anyone without our own oxygen mask. I know there will be many hard days, but I do want the happy days. Can't do that as long as I am waiting in limbo for him to think I am valuable. I am going to make that value for myself in myself...

:)
 
#321 ·
very good indeed, but unlikely practical i think, at least for a first time BS whom didnt see it coming and is genuinely in love w their spouse and just got completely side blinded by a betrayal on a long term marriage....
BSs cannot just turn off feelings like a switch, the run thru all kinds of rollercoaster emotions and trauma and much of it is just simple brain chemical balance and wiring which we have developed over centuries.
I praise whomever can act like this, is really a fool proof way to maintain your self respect and detach....but in reality it might be a lot more unrealistic to achieve
 
#322 ·
This is simply a road-map, not a step by step directional. No one follows the OP to a tee.

But it leads one to the direction they need to be in
 
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