SH, I understand abut the self respect and confidence issue. I too felt so attached and submissive and willing to accept the blame my WW was putting on me in our marriage justifying her affair. I barely had the strength to say enough is enough I'm through and that is even with knowledge beyond a doubt that she was cheating, and moreso she was completely walking away and made it so clear there was no chance for R. So I can't imagine how hard it would be to walk, even knowing he doesn't treat you with respect, but just because he says he's so sorry and wants to stick around. Somewhere you have to find the strength to say enough is enough, because he is just stringing you along.
He just really had me believing that he possibly didn't do anything inappropriate with her...I'm just dumb...
Your not dumb, your weak. You have been systematically broken down. That's a result of being the victim of prolonged abuse. Mental and emotional. Read up on the term "gaslighting" and educate yourself on it. See if the things you read about are familiar to you. Then read up on general emotional abuse.
Think about your relationship, does this sound familiar?
Phase 1 - TENSION BUILDING:
Tension increases, breakdown of communication, victim feels need to placate the abuser
Phase 3 - RECONCILIATION:
Abuser apologizes, gives excuses, blames the victim, denies the abuse occurred, or says it wasn't as bad as the victim claims.
Phase 4 - CALM:
Incident is "forgotten", no abuse is taking place.
Eli's post is spot on. This guy is bad news. He said nothing happened with her? What a joke. Tell her fiance without her or your guy knowing about it. I know you feel low right now but he cheated because he is a cheater. A serial cheat. It has NOTHING to do with you. He sounds like a total jacka$$. Dump him and be done. I think the worst thing you could do is marry this guy. I am sorry about your miscarriage. Posted via Mobile Device
You are a worthwhile person. You do not deserve this creep or his manipulation.
Get out. Go no contact. Never have anything to do with him again. Block his cell. Delete his email. Take time to grieve. Grieve as much as you need. Find solace in your friends and family. Take time to find your self-worth from within. Talk to a counselor about self-esteem.
Then, when you are ready, find a guy who loves you for who you are. Who would never think to manipulate you or betray you.
Feelings of inadequacy after this kind of betrayal are completely normal. They're also usually unfounded.
Why would Hugh Grant cheat on Elizabeth Hurley? Why would Billy Joel cheat on Christie Brinkley? Men's biology motivates us to desire multiple partners. You need to find a man with enough strength of character to ignore his biological urges.
For the record, marriage puts stress on relationships. It doesn't fix bad relationships. A relationship must be very strong to survive the stresses of a marriage. If you think you can fix this guy by marrying him, you're sorely mistaken.
Now that you have miscarried, you have no reason to have anything else to do with this man ever again. Lose his key. Lose his number. Don't answer his calls. Change your locks. There is literally no reason to ever speak to him again.
Feelings of inadequacy after this kind of betrayal are completely normal. They're also usually unfounded.
Why would Hugh Grant cheat on Elizabeth Hurley? Why would Billy Joel cheat on Christie Brinkley? Men's biology motivates us to desire multiple partners. You need to find a man with enough strength of character to ignore his biological urges.
For the record, marriage puts stress on relationships. It doesn't fix bad relationships. A relationship must be very strong to survive the stresses of a marriage. If you think you can fix this guy by marrying him, you're sorely mistaken.
Now that you have miscarried, you have no reason to have anything else to do with this man ever again. Lose his key. Lose his number. Don't answer his calls. Change your locks. There is literally no reason to ever speak to him again.
Thank you all! I really don't know what I'd do without this forum. Its amazing how he's cried, regrets, wants 2 settle down. I sometimes feel like he does love me. He is just not capable of loving the right way. He mentioned that he's at a cross roads. That he's bitter and angry from the years of my mistrust and questioning. That he wants to be with me but can't give me what I need while he feels resentment. That if I were good he'd be better. Makes me feel like my fault. Do u think he wanted to break up with me all along for this woman and this is his easy way out? I just don't get why he's not leaving me alone then? Posted via Mobile Device
Thank you all! I really don't know what I'd do without this forum. Its amazing how he's cried, regrets, wants 2 settle down. I sometimes feel like he does love me. He is just not capable of loving the right way. He mentioned that he's at a cross roads. That he's bitter and angry from the years of my mistrust and questioning. That he wants to be with me but can't give me what I need while he feels resentment. That if I were good he'd be better. Makes me feel like my fault. Do u think he wanted to break up with me all along for this woman and this is his easy way out? I just don't get why he's not leaving me alone then? Posted via Mobile Device
What's better than having sex with one woman? Having sex with two (or more). There's your answer. If you're content being one of his women, then stay with him. If you want to have a man committed to you and only you, then you need to dump him and find someone else.
Hi everyone - just checking in because I’m not good at all..actually probably worse…I saw him yesterday…totally slipped up….I fainted in the morning (haven’t been eating) and I called him because he’s always been the one to calm me down/ease fears, etc. He lectured me and told me that I needed to eat, etc. Said that he had just made brunch for him and his daughters…I told him ok..I’m gonna grab something to eat, you’re right…so anyway, I got dolled up and got frustrated cause he didn’t ask me to come eat over there or anything..like I was surprised ya know? Cause on Friday he was texting and calling all day wanting to see me, etc. Anyway, I called him and asked him if he had money because I paid for the cell phone bill and didn’t get any from him..said that I was going to go get brunch or something somewhere cause he didn’t invite me over…told him I felt stupid for even saying anything but I feel like he should be up my ass (I know this is crazy as I shouldn’t even be talking to him..I think it’s a rejection thing)..anyway..he said he didn’t ask at first because he doesn’t want to deal with my funk…then he said that he was going to ask me to come over but I told him I was going to get something to eat…he lost reception and he texted “can’t keep reception, come on over”…then he texted and said “I would love to see you. I would love to hug you. I would love to feel your lips on mine. I would love to touch you and watch your stress melt away.”
Anyway, because I looked so smoking (I threw on the hottest black summer dress that he’s never seen me in – lol) I really just wanted to swing by so he could see what he was losing out on and to say thanks for the money I’m going to brunch with a friend now….I was in a weird state of mind yesterday…I’m all whacked out and not thinking rationally…anyway, I would up staying there..he asked me to hang out with him and his daughters go to the park, etc. Well, I totally did…I don’t know why and I knew I shouldn’t have but I did…He was really nice all day…kept trying to force feed me as I wasn’t hungry…we didn’t talk about anything other than if he ever told the OW that he had a girlfriend..he told me he doesn’t think so…he also told me that they never were a couple…just went on a few dates…
Anyway, the whole day I played super cool/fun me because I kept thinking I’m going to cut it off with him and this is the side I want him to remember..not the crazy me..
I feel SOOOOOOOOOOOO stupid and regretful for doing so though. I totally think that my plan backfired..I’m feeling like crap now because I’m wondering if he just hung with me yesterday because he feels sorry for me…you know how I fainted and everything and needed attention…I don’t think he would have asked to see me otherwise…
I have a feeling that the cigarette butts with lipstick were from her…just feel like she’s been lurking around for awhile…she wants him so bad…when he broke up with her for me she went psycho on him...
That gets me to is he really not wanting to be with ME anymore? Is he falling for her? I just don’t know what to do? I just don’t know how to get strong…to walk away…I’ve never been so weak in my entire life…was it a mistake? Does he really want to get married and change? Or is all of that thrown out of the window because I slipped and was cool with him yesterday?
I wish I just knew for sure…I wish I could reach out to her and have her be honest but I know that will never happen…even if she did and they just hooked up that night was it just a mistake? Or if she’s been around the whole time? I mean, if she said she’s been around the whole time how do I know she’s not lying about that because she wants us to really not be together and that’s her way to break us up?
I feel like the biggest idiot right now…I feel so sad that I’m even having to tell you this but I have to be honest with someone and you’ve all been my support through this whole thing…
I’m just a wreck..not feeling like myself..once again afraid to lose HIM…I feel rejected…like she’s better than me…that she won, etc.
I'm just losing my mind..can't focus on anything but him and the what if's, etc...
You have no intention of listening to us , do you? Until you fall to the bottom and are totally devastated by this man you are not going to stop. We have all encouraged you to take the right steps , he casts his line and sucks you in and you are back to where you were in the beginning. This man is a master and you are his plaything, wake up now stop destroying your life.
Hard no contact, delete his name block his number and go cold turkey. Posted via Mobile Device
Eli-Zor - believe me, I know all of this. I just don't know how to deal with the rejection.
From what I know this girl never questioned him or argued with him..I have a feeling he's going to wind up marrying her.
If I wouldn't have questioned then he would have maybe been better to me?
This is what I keep thinking. Like if I change then he'll stop.
How do I get out of this stage that I'm in? I can't handle it....
I feel like she's better than me and that he chose her over me. She's been married before and is engaged now so she's doing something right that I couldn't give...
Eli-Zor - believe me, I know all of this. I just don't know how to deal with the rejection.
You deal with rejection by going through the five stages of grief.
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
Quote:
Originally Posted by sacredheart
From what I know this girl never questioned him or argued with him..I have a feeling he's going to wind up marrying her.
If I wouldn't have questioned then he would have maybe been better to me?
This is what I keep thinking. Like if I change then he'll stop.
You could be right. Would you prefer to go back to you being the main squeeze and her being the mistress? You could probably switch roles and be the mistress if you would rather do that.
I am sure that your boyfriend prefers when his girlfriends are nice to him and don't question him. If you want to be with him, no matter what, I suggest you suck it up and just be nice, whether you are the main girlfriend or the mistress.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sacredheart
How do I get out of this stage that I'm in? I can't handle it....
You have two choices. Your first choice is to give up and decide that your boyfriend's happiness is more important than yours. You realize that your boyfriend is a selfish person who wants more than one woman and the best you will ever be to him is one among many. Some women can accept this and perhaps even be happy being in a harem.
Your second choice is to decide that you can't be happy being one of many and you want a man who loves you and only you. That means you have to dump your boyfriend and move on. If you decide this, don't call your boyfriend to rub his nose in it. Don't visit him so he can see how cute you are. Don't sleep with him so that he'll miss sex with you. Just stop seeing him. He'll get the picture.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sacredheart
I feel like she's better than me and that he chose her over me. She's been married before and is engaged now so she's doing something right that I couldn't give...
Give me a break. A relationship has nothing to do with your self worth. If marriage is that important to you, auction yourself off on craigslist. You'll be married this afternoon. The guy might be a sleaze, but that doesn't seem to be important to you. Then, since you're married and the other woman is only engaged, you'll be better than her.
Sacred, go back and reread what everyone has written advising you on how to see your situation. From my own personal experience, they are helping you with very wise advice. I am not happy that I went through what you are going through. I kept hoping & did not face the reality that I was with a manipulative, controlling, and selfish man with narcissistic tendencies. I put a lot of energy, as you are, into convincing myself otherwise but his ACTIONS were what I should have focused on. In the end, a tremendous amount of energy was wasted instead of being spent on helping myself heal and grow and protecting myself from the insane ups & downs of a selfish person. If he sincerely wants you in his life, he will do everything and anything you need. It will be obvious, you will know. If not, I agree....move on NOW and take care of SacredHeart.
Sorry to be blunt, but none of your questions matter.
He's manipulating you. The fact that you are thinking the questions you pose and not thinking about how to regain your own life wholly independent of him is proof of the hold he has over you.
He has treated you badly. You have self-worth. You need to break it off completely from him. Let yourself grieve. Talk to a counselor a lot. When you come through it, you will wonder why you ever gave a s**t about him.
Hello all - I hope this message finds everyone well. I'm just writing again for some more support. I'm sure none of you will be surprised by this but I'm still with him. He pretty much had to move out of his home and has put some stuff in storage, some stuff at his friends and some stuff at my place and has been staying with me. Believe me, I KNOW this is wrong. It makes me sick to my stomach everyday knowing that I probably look like the biggest idiot in the world to him. He plans on renting a home closer to his daughers and wants to save money until then. Says that I'm more than welcome to move with him when he moves out.
I'm still around because sadly I believe that maybe this was the last draw for him but I feel so strongly that it's not. Just the week before last he threw a pair of boxers in the garbage. I noticed because as all of you know I'm obviously checking stuff now more than ever. Anyway, I asked him why he didn't put his boxers in the laundry that day after he showered and he said they were in the garbage. When I asked why he said because one by one he's throwing all of his old boxers away that have holes in them. Now, I knowthat some of his old boxers do but later found out that the pair he threw away were a good pair. There was yellowish stains on them. Now, WHY ON EARTH would someone need to do that? Actually throw a pair of boxers away? It's just the craziest thing to me.
I know I'm dumb to think that he would ever stop. I mean, I've taken him back so many times why should he? I just don't get like why he won't leave me alone. I talked to him and I told him that if he can't be faithful to just leave me be already. That if he loves me he would do that but he hasn't.
Him staying at my place has caused much strain with my daughter and I. She doesn't even want to stay home because she hates him so much. She thinks I'm such a push over and an idiot and I know this. She has been staying over my moms and doesn't want to be there if he's there.
I can't get the thoughts out of my head of what he did. The fact that I walked in on him and his ex and the fact that he made ME leave! Like after 3 years you would think that he would have made her leave. I just don't get it. He told me that he made me leave because he didn't want me going crazy on her because they didn't do anything inappropriate and she doesn't deserve that. Like why did he protect her? Why did he make me leave? Is he lying? Does that mean that he loves her? If this is the case, WHY doesn't he just be with her like that?! And leave me alone?
I need help on getting over these thoughts. They are obsessive and I can't seem to forget. In the meantime I'm the girl that let him move some things back in and stay with me thinking that if I show him a different side of me and lay low and not ask questions that he'll change..I actually thought that me catching him would have made him stop but with the boxer incident I feel that he hasn't stopped.
What am I supposed to do? I'm seriously losing my mind. I feel like a worthless piece of crap. So abused and taken granted of. Why won't he just leave me be?
Re: Think I have proof finally... 
