Hi,
I realise that this may not be the place to post but I can't find anywhere else and don't know where else to turn.
I don't expect sympathy but please try not to beat me up anymore than I've already done to myself. I know I've done wrong and right now, it's completely destroying my life (my own fault I know!)
Last year I started a new job and was busy looking forward to and planning my wedding, everything in life was rosy (or at least that's how I remember it now, although it can't really have been I'm sure or I wouldn't have done what I did).
Anyway, I met this guy at work (he was married with 2 kids) and in a position of power and there was an overwhelming attraction between us, I can't deny that. He complimented me, listened to me, made me laugh and above all I really enjoyed talking to him - at and about work. I didn't want him to think I was flirting with him so made sure I told him all about my fiance and upcoming wedding. We had to work very closely over the space of a few weeks and he grew into someone I would have called a close friend.
I remember one day thinking I was attracted to him but then stopped myself and thought about my fiance and what a much better man he was etc etc. nothing in this, it was just in the middle of a work meeting.
Anyway, a few days later we were working late and I was staying over locally to where he was staying, he asked if I fancied getting something to eat, which I did, I had no plans...
We went out, had a fair bit to drink, got on well and then at the end of the night he said he wanted to kiss me, I told him no way was it ever going to happen, he still tried but I said no and that was that, end of night.
We talked over the next few days and I admitted to him that yes I was attracted to him but I was never going to cheat on my fiance, it just wasn't going to happen and asked him to respect that, he said he did and assured me I'd be 'safe' with him.
A week later I was working with him again and he kissed me, I admit I kissed him back - and then felt awful, he could see how I felt and persuaded me I shouldn't be alone (he used that safe line again) so drove over to the hotel bar I was staying at and bought me a bottle of wine to calm me down. Of course, after a few glasses I got close to him again as we were chatting in the bar. He tried to take things further and I came to my senses and yet again told him it wasn't happening.
This went on for a few more weeks, although nothing further physically happened during this time, it was texts and phonecalls, I'm guessing I was by this time in 'the fog', that's the only way I can explain it, I don't know why I didn't or couldn't tell him to leave me alone once and for all. Saying that I did try many times, but we had to continue working together, he was effectively my boss' boss. He had a knack of making me want to speak to/see him again. I don't know how many times I told him it had to stop. He would phone me every day.
Things weren't great with my fiance, somedays and nights we wouldn't speak at all and he would spend all night in bed with his back to me not saying a word, it was a strange time. I can remember the one or two nice texts he sent me during all that time and hoped things would be ok again but then he would say something horrible and it would be gone again. Yes, it hurt me very much, especially when he said he liked going away with work as it meant he wasn't at home with me. All these things didn't excuse what I did, I know, it just put me in a very vulnerable position.
For me, it was never about sex, I just enjoyed the OM's company, and I thought I would always be able to stop myself so when he suggested lunch one day I thought I would be ok, and I was, except that by this time he was 'planting' things in my mind about only seeing him for another week (he was going on holiday) and that I wouldn't be able to do anything after I was married so may as well get it over with now. I told him again that day that we needed to stop contact and that I was looking forward to getting married and hopefully starting a family. I don't remember what happened that weekend but I can only assume my mind must have shifted to the point where I didn't really care anymore as on the Tuesday night we had a work's night out before a big meeting on the Weds, my fiance was also away from home on the Sunday/Monday so I didn't see him before I went away. I had no intentions of anything happening that night, other than having a drink with the OM and enjoying his company but for whatever reason at the end of the night he ended up in my room (I was so drunk that I don't remember all the details) I just wanted someone to cuddle and, well, things happened. We didn't have sex but we did sleep in the same bed. I think in my mind I actually still didn't think I was cheating because to me, he was just a friend (yes stupid I know). He went off on holiday a few days later and I didn't miss him like I thought I would, didn't miss him at all.
Things got back on track with my fiance, we had a chat about whether we were doing the right thing getting married and doubts aside from both of us we agreed we were and life was good again, we moved house 2 weeks before our wedding and had the most perfect day ever. My wedding vows meant everything to me and I kept telling myself that I could put it all behind me and be the best wife ever.
I felt awful when I was on my honeymoon, kept looking at all the other couples and thinking I bet she didn't spend the night with another man 6 weeks ago, I wanted to tell him so much but thought he might leave me in a strange country.
When I came back the OM tried to contact me but I told him that I wanted nothing further to do with him and explained how I'd felt since. He assured me that I shouldn't feel bad as I'd always made it clear how I felt and always stopped him from taking things further, that I should feel proud of myself (yeh right!) for not giving in further and that we didn't have sex.
I was in a much stronger place by this time and could see what he was doing by now, he kept texting me and calling me (I was still working with him) and every time I'd give him the brush off.
I merrily showed him my wedding photos and told him how happy I was (I was!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) to my mind he had been a last fling to put it crudely, I was always scared of commitment (until I met my fiance) and I think I got a bit scared.
2 months after the wedding I had to work away for the night and the OM had to be there too (although I think now he may have orchestrated it) he said he thought it would be dangerous if we stayed in the same hotel but me, being completely naive, said no of course it wouldn't, it would be fine. My hubby thinks I needed to test myself and I think he was right. I thought I was strong enough.
I met up with the OM in the day and had no feelings for him whatsoever, felt really strong and wondered where the attraction had ever been in the first place. We had drinks in the bar with other people, who I tried to persuade to stay with us, I obviously felt uncomfortable it just being the 2 of us, I didn't get in the lift with him etc etc. I was trying to protect myself and not put myself in a stupid situation. We were left alone to have dinner and he commented that I was uptight and bought a bottle of wine, which I drank! We had a fun evening talking about places we'd visited and work and he mentioned he'd once been bitten by a shark. When we walked back across to our rooms he tried to kiss me and I stood fast, point blank refused and actually felt really pleased with myself that I'd managed to resist him, even after a drink or two. We got back to our rooms (the corridor) and he knew I'd be phoning my hubby. I said I wanted to see his shark bite (really lame and I don't know why, but I'd never seen one before and at that moment in time it seemed like the most important thing in the world) he said he'd show me after I'd phoned my hubby, I tried to get him to show me first but he said he'd do it afterwards (he knew what he was doing).
Stupid stupid stupid I wanted to feel comfy talking to my hubby so put my pj's on and sat on the bed, told him i loved him and that I'd had a good night. The OM then came in to my room to show me his shark bite, which he did, I then asked him to leave and he stroked my leg on the way out, I obviously thought this was nice and a bottle of wine down struggled to realise what he was doing until it was too late, within seconds he'd put his hand right up my leg to places it shouldn't have been. I didn't stop him straight away but I did stop him. Unbelievably, he also tried to undress me but I said no and told him to leave. I then cried all night and ever since then I've felt that my spark has completely gone. I broke my wedding vows only 2 months after my wedding and it hurts so much because I knew I didn't want anything to happen and tried to safeguard myself against anything happening and said no to kissing him etc etc but then let this happen - how could I????!!!!!
I have felt so low since that night and ironically the only person who could make me feel better about what I'd done was the OM as he always made me feel it wasn't my fault and that things could have been a lot worse. We stayed in touch because of work but that was it. Every day I thought about what I'd done. In February this year, things came to a head, I was feeling really low because of work (company went into administration and I had little to do) spent all day in bed not wanting to get out and this played on my mind so much. I knew I had to tell my hubby, I knew I couldn't live the rest of our lives together with him thinking I was something i wasn't (he's never trusted me anyway but that's another matter) so I proved him right!!!
I told him everything (eventually) and assured him the OM was completely out of my life - he is, he went along with the company thankfully. Having told a few people what happened, it's made me realise more and more how the OM really took advantage of me when I was in a vulnerable state. God, I know I was part of it too, I know that and it kills me.
My husband has been amazing, I was fully prepared for him to throw me out, I even offered to leave but he's been fantastic and assured me we can work through this. At one point he actually said he could almost see how it had happened (he knew I talked to this guy a lot and always told me to be careful), I wish I'd have listened, I wish I hadn't thought I knew better, that I was strong enough to look after myself.
I didn't initially tell him about what happened after we were married but to me that's almost the worst part after everything else that happened, so he went crazy when I told him this bit as I'd been stupid to let him into my room etc etc and I'd not told him initially so he obviously thought there were other things I wasn't telling him (the trickle truth I now know this to be), but I've told him everything now and he's been fantastic.
So, to today, 2 months on from when I told him (and a month since I told him everything) and I'm in a mess.
I'm glad I told him, he's glad I told him but I've been almost suicidal over this. I really thought I didn't deserve to be here anymore or to be loved by him. I couldn't stand the pain knowing it was all my fault and I could have prevented it. Things are slowly getting better but even as I write this I'm in floods of tears and I can only imagine the backlash I'm going to get on here - I deserve it I know, but I really need help in surviving this. I'm honestly not a bad person, I did a really stupid thing that I'll regret forever. I've been cheated on in the past, I know how it feels. People close to me have cheated on their partners and i've gone crazy at them because I don't believe it's acceptable, if you're not happy then leave before anything happens, I know all that so what the hell was I doing??!!!!
I can't forgive myself and hate myself so much. My husband is such a lovely man and yes we had a few problems last year but he didn't deserve this. Maybe if anything good can come of this then it's made me realise what I've got, made me see I took him for granted and that the grass is definitely not greener....
Stupidly, the thing that's stopping us from moving on now is me, my hubby is coping really well with it, I've been a lot more upset than he has, he's told me I've beaten myself up enough about it and can see how much pain I've been in and has told me that I have to stop feeling like this or I really will destroy us. He knows how sorry I am and is forgiving me, he said it'll take time but things will be great again. He truly is a remarkable man that I'm so lucky to have.
Every single morning I wake up thinking about what I've done and it's all I can do to get out of bed and go to work, I'm not eating and can't sleep very well. All day I just torment myself by going over everything again in my mind and thinking back to how I could have changed things, to how I could have stopped myself from being a cheater. If only.... I would give anything to go back in time. I can't understand how I knew I never wanted this to happen to then get to this stage.
I can't forgive myself and I know that my constant crying and general stupid ness will eventually break up my marriage anyway and I can't let that happen.
Please someone tell me how I can get past this. Whether you believe I deserve to or not (I don't!) but my husband doesn't deserve any of this and i owe it to him to move past this - Yes i can hear you now, I owed it to him not to cheat in the first place. I'm really not a bad person, I care so much about other people's feelings and this post may be full of cliches and all sorts of other things that I know will be ripped apart but I'm right on the edge and need help....
Thank you for your reply.
I suggested counselling for us both but H doesn't think we need it. I don't want to go to my doctor as we are also trying for a baby (I know how hypocritical this sounds) and that would just look really irresponsible (more so than I've been already).
I'm well away from the OM, don't worry, absolutely hate him. I was involved I know but feel as though he was the one that pushed me into things knowing full well how I felt and didn't respect that.
I phoned him once (with H's blessing), actually it was H's idea as I needed to find out what had really happened on the drunken night, again he tried to reassure me it was nothing really. No reassurance there for me, he said we'd snogged and fooled around but I'd been adamant I wasn't going to have sex with him and he seemed to think this was ok!!! Little consolation but I thank god I at least stopped myself from that.
If he doesn't want MC, get your own counselor/therapist to help you deal with this.
You said you and fiance had a lot of problems before the marriage but didn't really elaborate. Have those been worked out? Did you really want to marry him?
You have a lot on your plate and until you resolve it I don't think it'd be wise to be trying to get pregnant but that is entirely your decision.
As for OM--he didn't "push" you to do anything. Sure, he may have kept whispering to do it to you and been really persistent but ultimately, at the end of the day, you had a choice in the matter. And you chose to do what you did. You have got to own that first and then work through everything else.
First off, this is coming from someone else who has cheated on their spouse. So don't think I'm slamming you or anything.
Second, if the OM gets in touch with you again, you should think of a sexual harrassment charge... He was in a position of authority over you, and to some degree took advantage of that. That's not right.
Having said that, you need to think about your role in all this. You seem to be blaming the OM for forcing his way. But you put yourself in situations repeatedly where this was possible, and didn't take steps to keep YOURSELF safe. Why were you drinking with your boss's boss in any circumstances? Why put yourself in situations to "test yourself"?
I'd suggest finding someone you can talk to about this in real life. A counselor would be a good first step. Your husband knows the entire truth (right?), and he's working on forgiving you and moving on. You need to do the same. You've made some bad decisions, but those are in the past. All you can change is how you behave in the future. You have control over that now. Use it.
If he doesn't want MC, get your own counselor/therapist to help you deal with this.
You said you and fiance had a lot of problems before the marriage but didn't really elaborate. Have those been worked out? Did you really want to marry him?
You have a lot on your plate and until you resolve it I don't think it'd be wise to be trying to get pregnant but that is entirely your decision.
As for OM--he didn't "push" you to do anything. Sure, he may have kept whispering to do it to you and been really persistent but ultimately, at the end of the day, you had a choice in the matter. And you chose to do what you did. You have got to own that first and then work through everything else.
Nobody makes anyone do anything.
Thank you, yes I know I was at fault and had the choice but the OM says himself he was to blame, that he was persistent and should have listened to me but didn't. I wasn't strong enough, I enjoyed the attention and I do accept responsibility, I do, that's partly why I'm feeling so bad, why and how could I have let it happen?!
Yes we've worked out our problems and ironically are now getting on better than ever, are communicating more than before which was a big problem. Yes I definitely wanted to marry him, we both had doubts, yes but that was more to do with the time we were going through and all the stress of the wedding. I'm in doubt that he's the one for me.
I don't feel I should go to the doctors for help with my 'depression' because I cheated on my OH and then in the next breath ask to be referred for fertility treatment. I do agree though that it's not the best time for us to be thinking about a baby right now. All because of my selfishness!
First off, this is coming from someone else who has cheated on their spouse. So don't think I'm slamming you or anything.
Second, if the OM gets in touch with you again, you should think of a sexual harrassment charge... He was in a position of authority over you, and to some degree took advantage of that. That's not right.
Having said that, you need to think about your role in all this. You seem to be blaming the OM for forcing his way. But you put yourself in situations repeatedly where this was possible, and didn't take steps to keep YOURSELF safe. Why were you drinking with your boss's boss in any circumstances? Why put yourself in situations to "test yourself"?
I'd suggest finding someone you can talk to about this in real life. A counselor would be a good first step. Your husband knows the entire truth (right?), and he's working on forgiving you and moving on. You need to do the same. You've made some bad decisions, but those are in the past. All you can change is how you behave in the future. You have control over that now. Use it.
C
Thank you PBear, appreciate your advice. I know, I know, I was stupid and I can't even answer why I put myself in those positions or needed to test myself. I guess that once things had started I felt that if I was in control of things and was able to say no in certain situations then I would feel as if I'd really stopped things and did so because it was wrong and I didn't want to cheat. I'm not sure if that makes any sense at all. I wanted to finish it for the right reasons not just because I was getting married or he was going on holiday etc etc. I wanted to feel that I'd somehow recouped some of my morals by putting myself in those situations yet still being able to say no, however it wasn't that easy. I didn't initially blame the OM as much as I do now but other people who know me have made me think a bit differently about it, and things the OM has said since it all happened have made me believe that he did take advantage of me. I can't explain it really and it sounds so lame but he really did keep telling me I'd be safe with him, that he wouldn't try anything and I believed him because I thought we were close friends.
Yes I've told my H everything now (warts and all!).
Some days I feel really positive and know I have to get on with things and feel so lucky I've been given this chance, but other days it just feels debilitating.
You doubt your husband is the one for you? That is a major problem, Pinky.
And again, I still think you're pushing the blame onto OM. He def could have played on any feelings you had but ultimately, you chose to do it because you wanted to.
First, fully own that and then start to tackle everything else.
You are very lucky your husband is willing to forgive you so definitely be the woman he wants you to be and best wife you can be.
You doubt your husband is the one for you? That is a major problem, Pinky.
And again, I still think you're pushing the blame onto OM. He def could have played on any feelings you had but ultimately, you chose to do it because you wanted to.
First, fully own that and then start to tackle everything else.
You are very lucky your husband is willing to forgive you so definitely be the woman he wants you to be and best wife you can be.
oops, that was meant to read "I'm in no doubt..."
Yeh I know it was me too, I've acknowledged that, I guess unless you're in the situation it's difficult to comment but yes I made that choice, I didn't have my hands tied behind my back....
I did say that part of why I'm struggling so much is trying to come to terms with why I did what I did and how I could do it.
I know how lucky I am and will make him see that every day he's with me.
pinky24,
I really think you have beat yourself up enough. It is very good that you admitted your faults and told your husband. I can respect that. If you want to be a good wife you have to work on you as a person first. If you are stressed and thinking of harming yourself you need to get right first. I really and truly believe that you now know the roads that should be avoided so please, avoid them. Work on you. I am the LS and after what my H did I experienced a lot of your emotions. It took me awhile but I
realized I was destroying myself and what worked for me was starting a journal, yoga for the stress and depression and a therapist. I didn't feel different initially but I am dedicated so now I am letting it work for me. You should try one or all and see what works for you. Turn all of the negative energy into making you better = making your marriage better. Best of luck to you. Posted via Mobile Device
pinky24,
I really think you have beat yourself up enough. It is very good that you admitted your faults and told your husband. I can respect that. If you want to be a good wife you have to work on you as a person first. If you are stressed and thinking of harming yourself you need to get right first. I really and truly believe that you now know the roads that should be avoided so please, avoid them. Work on you. I am the LS and after what my H did I experienced a lot of your emotions. It took me awhile but I
realized I was destroying myself and what worked for me was starting a journal, yoga for the stress and depression and a therapist. I didn't feel different initially but I am dedicated so now I am letting it work for me. You should try one or all and see what works for you. Turn all of the negative energy into making you better = making your marriage better. Best of luck to you. Posted via Mobile Device
Thank you for this, means a lot. I do need to get help and will look into it to save myself and my marriage to my wonderful husband.
I sincerely hope you are feeling more positive now and appreciate how you have responded to me knowing what you have been through yourself.
Thank you for this, means a lot. I do need to get help and will look into it to save myself and my marriage to my wonderful husband.
I sincerely hope you are feeling more positive now and appreciate how you have responded to me knowing what you have been through yourself.
I realized that everyone makes mistakes. It's what happens after the mistake is made that counts. Having faith is also working for me. Don't get me wrong, some days I do want to scratch my H eyes out but he needs them to see that I am not broke. Deeply hurt but not broke and he can redeem himself. I do see progress but it takes time to regain trust. Time will tell. Posted via Mobile Device
Hey Pinky---YOU NEED TO GO TO IC---you, yourself---
You need to cool it with the alcohol---and if you are out on your own, at business meetings---you either stay in the company of a mixed crowd, or you go back to your room after dinner, AND STAY THERE
You got in trouble, cuz you were manipulated, by a womanizer---obviously you were to naive, and immature to handle it
You also need to tell his wife, what he is doing---she is entitled to make an informed decision about how to spend the rest of her life---also contacting her, may put a stop to his womanizing activities, and any further attempts to contact you---cuz I imagine if your H., did find out he was still in contact with you---everything is likely to blow up in your face!!!!!
Aside from that just concentrate on your mge
You should know that your H, may hit various stages in his processing of what you have done to him---and in the future if he does come at you, due to his sub--conscious---remember you caused this all to happen, so don't react against your H., try to help him thru his pain
You will be fine if you just do the proper things to take care of yourself
Seeking help 
