My heart hurts.Wife caught.Long story
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 05-04-2011, 06:15 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My heart hurts.Wife caught.Long story

So about two weeks ago I noticed my wife of 3 years changing in certain ways. It really is hard to explain but she started getting dressed up late at night before I left for work (I'm a cop who works graveyard 8pm-8am). She started going out with friends more and everything which isn't a problem.

Yesterday I met her for lunch during her break at Mcdonalds and she said she needed to get catfood. I explained to her that since I was off work we could both go together once she gets off work. She insisted on getting the catfood so I said ok. I told her to go ahead and get it and that I would see her when she got home. Well, about half way home I decided that I would meet her at Walmart and surprise her by spending a few extra minutes with her. I park my car and start walking towards the store, when I hear a very familiar laugh to the side near some parked cars. I look over and it's my wife and a soldier in uniform across from her. At this point I'm thinking its just a guy getting out of his car to go in the store. I approached them and he was just standing there. When my wife and he saw me they both had a look on their face that I am so familiar with. A look of shame and guilt. I was very confused as to what was going on and the guy tells her "ok well let me know if he's interested" and gives her a card.

My wife and I go into Walmart and she says "why are you following me?". I explained to her that I wanted to spend some extra time with her and that I was just going to go home.
Convinced that something was going on I waited for her to come home. When questioned about the man she explained that she was talking to him for one of her girlfriends because she was interested in joining the military. She said that his recruiting station is in the shopping center and that he met her there to gather the information. Knowing my wife very well and when she is lying I told her that I knew what was going on and that I wasnt stupid. In short, her story continued to change over and over. Eventually she cracked and told me that she really met this guy in a chat room last week and that the "most" they have done was hold hands and that he kissed her goodnight. She also told me that he has been taking her out to dinner and meeting her and such.

My wife has a very promiscuous past that involves her dating military men when she was in college and I was actually in the military when we met. (we met on facebook).
When she told me this I left the house and went looking for this guy and was called by her parents who talked me into coming to their house which I did. My wife has a long history with her own family with not being able to be trusted. She lied to them about being in college after being out for over a year and has lied over and over to the ones around her.
Also about 3 weeks ago She and I were in the computer room and I heard the AOL instant messenger sound. I looked over and saw a chat box with a message from a guy named Sam which said "How was your day". She frantically closed the box and looked over at me. When questioned about the message she stated that it was a girl from college, but after badgering her about it she eventually told me that it was a guy she knew in college but that it wasn't a big deal.
We continued argueing and eventually I found a military buisiness card for the soldier and is name is "samuel" (hence, the IM screen name SAM)

To top all of this off today is our official wedding anniversary and I'm about to leave to talk to a counselor to see if there is any way for me to cope with the trust issue that is now in our marriage. I do love her with all of my heart, but with my work schedule and type of work I do I can't be at work wondering if shes seeing another man or not. She says she hasn't had sex with him, but I truly don't believe her. Like I said she has had a very promiscuous past in college and I actually almost got her to sleep with me the second day we were dating (although we didn't). I'm just very hurt and confused as to where to go from here. She has ruined her relationship with everyone that cares for her from lying over and over.
I asked her why she started talking to another man and her answer was that she felt that I hated her and didn't think she was pretty anymore even though I always buy her flowers and tell her how beautiful she is. I worship the ground this woman has walked on. She has major self esteem issues as pointed out by her parents who are extremely pissed at her because shes about to lose a very good man who takes great care of her.

Sorry for such a long post and thanks for any tips or guidance you give.

-Kevin

***UPDATE***

May 01, 2011

So I decided to give her a chance. God forgives people of many sins and I felt that I would have been selfish not to. A few days ago my wife was babysitting a co workers child at their home down the street when she left her eye glasses. I was off that day and my wife came home saying she left them. My wife and I planned to go get the glasses and stopped for lunch. When we got to the office to pick up her eye glasses she had left her phone in the car with me. Her phone received a message and being the nosey cop I am I looked at it. The message was from an unsaved number in her phone and stated "Are you going to see sam?" I was devastated. I had thought that all of this was over. Anyways, there was another message in the phone from an unknown number and my wife came back to the car. I confronted her with the messages and asked her about them she said "oh thats a rachel from work playing a joke, it isnt funny". I asked about the other number and she said "thats from her husband named Joe, he was looking for her (my wife has an ex BF named joe who was in the Marines. She dated him about 6 years ago). I said ok im gunna call the number. She started punching me trying to get the phone away. I called "rachel" and our convo went as this:

Me:"hello who am I speaking with?"
Rachel:"Rachel"
Me:Cool, is Joe around?
Rachel:"I'm sorry you have the wrong number"

Anyways, I ended up finding out that shes talking to her ex BF now. She says he gives her advice but anyways...After the initial Walmart incident and being the computer savy individual I am, I installed a key logger trojan on her computer, which keeps track of every single key stroke she presses. I obtained her email username and password with yahoo and found several messages with phrases such as "I wish I was in your arms right now" "I would leave him now but I can't afford it on my own" "I'm leaving once I graduate from school" and ending with "I'll be thinking of last night and will be dreaming about tonight".


While I was going through the messages she was out with a woman from her work and I called her. I began reading her the message and she hung up in the middle. I called her back, she answered and I got to the end "I'll be thinking of last night and will be dreaming about tonight"
She paused and said "ok, you caught me". She was gone until about 2AM that night saying that she was afraid of me. I told her I wasn't angry, I was hurt. My heart was hurt.
I finally talked her into coming home and began to question her a little more where she finally admitted to having sex with this Sam fellow.
I sat her down at the table and told her that I wanted a divorce.

Fast forward to today we are still living in the same home due to finances and every single day she breaks down into tears begging me for another chance. I keep telling her I gave her her chance and she knew the consequences. I told her if it continued I would be done with our marriage. My heart hurts so bad I feel like I have a big pile of goop in the middle of my chest, like im going down a roller coaster. I'm not angry at her at all, I'm upset. My heart hurts so bad and we've both shed alot of tears this week. I told her i'm not going to drop off the face of her planet and stop talking to her or anything and that I'll be her best friend and be there to comfort her and help her through our separation but thats as far as it goes. Deep inside I want to give her another chance, but I've given her a chance and she goes out and has sex with this guy. Now shes full of tears and regret and begs me everytime we see eachother. She says she feels so stupid for what shes done and feels like shes the biggest screwup in the world. One side of me believes her but the other side doesn't. The trust in our marriage is gone and I feel that she won't be able to prove herself again after all of this. I told her what would happen if it continued and sure enough...it continued.
After talking to her and asking if she had feelings for "sam" she said "no, he's an ***hole" and doesn't talk to me anymore and that he's afraid of you. He got what he wanted and ran for the hills it sounds like. I'm so confused right now and hurt. I'm going to see a counseler tommorow to let some of this out and get more advice.

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Old 05-04-2011, 08:00 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My heart hurts.Wife caught.Long story

You read why she is with you, she requires your financial support. Make a decision if you can foregive this and she can change if the answer to either is no , move on. Her crying means diddly squat, what is she doing to evidence she loves you and what steps is she prepared to take to affair proof your marriage. Try the following sites and read as much as you can under the article tabs. Affairecare.com and marriagebuilders.com,there is a questionair tab on the MB site for meeting emotional needs both of you should fill this out.Both of you may have to adapt to make this marriage workable.

She may be truly remorseful however you require a lot more than her tears to evidence you have a secure future with her.
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Old 05-04-2011, 08:13 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My heart hurts.Wife caught.Long story

They're right, the truth is right in your post. Sorry to say.

I also heard "he's an ***hole" and doesn't talk to me anymore and that he's afraid of you" before I forgave my stbx years ago. As soon as she wanted to stray again she went looking for him, 12 years later!

Let's pick better ones next time ok
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Old 05-04-2011, 08:20 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My heart hurts.Wife caught.Long story

Shoud you choose and if she says she wants to save the marriage, point her to the marriagebuilders site , discussion forum, surviiving an affair. Ask her to register there and actively seek help, her doing this and working daily with the forum may take your marriage forward. Do not tell her about this site this is your haven.

I should warn you with her past I think you have little chance of a future affair proof marriage, unless she has an epiphany and changes permanently, the choice is yours.
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Old 05-04-2011, 08:45 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My heart hurts.Wife caught.Long story

Sorry to say that you married a lemon for a wife, her actions speak volumes. You already know that she's a pathological liar, so when you see her mouth moving, you know she's lying. Her crocodile tears mean nothing, they almost always do that.

Eli-Zor pointed out why she's with you, for the financial stability. And her email to the OM gives away her true intentions: to leave you once she graduates from school. There is definitely something broken inside her, and her own family testifies to that.

Staying with her will only result in more affairs down the road. The future is clear if you try to reconcile with this woman. She's self destructive, and her own family says so. You have to decide if you want to share your wife or not, which I suspect that you don't. And having already 2 OM that you know of, so early in your marriage is a clear indicator of what's in store for your marriage in the future.

In my personal opinion, since you have no kids yet thank goodness, you need to cut your losses and run. You can't spend your life looking over your shoulder to see who the next OM is. That's no way to live your life and marriage. You deserve better. You deserve to have a wife that is faithful and supportive. I'm retired military, and a former active duty cop now working the front desk due to an injury, but still working shift. So I know what you're going thru. Looking at the totality of the situation, you know deep down what you need to do. Divorce is hard, I know, I've been through it. You will survive, and you will find someone better. What you have right now is a badge bunny, and you know that's not someone you are going to grow old with.
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Old 05-04-2011, 09:07 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My heart hurts.Wife caught.Long story

We've been where you are now.

I took the decision to divorce my wife because I knew it would be a monumental effort to regain the trust I had for her and my personal recovery would have been hampered by constantly seeing the face of the woman I loved who hurt me like no other person in the world had done.

I'm not going to tell you that divorcing her was the easiest thing in the world, quite the contrary, it was the second most hurtful experience - her betrayal being the first - in my life.

As I said in another post, your emotions are going to betray you and fight tooth in nail with your reason. Your emotions are your personal terrorist that keep you from doing what you know should be done.

Lastly, there IS life after divorce and - from my POV anyway - a much better one than the previous one.
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Old 05-04-2011, 09:38 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My heart hurts.Wife caught.Long story

Quote:
Originally Posted by morituri View Post
We've been where you are now.

I took the decision to divorce my wife because I knew it would be a monumental effort to regain the trust I had for her and my personal recovery would have been hampered by constantly seeing the face of the woman I loved who hurt me like no other person in the world had done.
.


People who do it are amazing.

I rather hoped I could be one of those people, but a thousand years ago I said to her " You sleep with someone else. Your out"
I guess she took me at my word
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Old 05-04-2011, 09:51 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My heart hurts.Wife caught.Long story

I don't think the trust is ever fully there again.. its always going to eat at the back of your head. Why put yourself through that until "death do you part"?

I'd rather move on.. find myself.. get active in my own life again, and less active in his..and maybe someday... far far far away.. wayyyyy far away.. I'll meet someone, who makes me happy and shows me how much I deserve to be loved.
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Old 05-04-2011, 05:28 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My heart hurts.Wife caught.Long story

Kevin...

Don't be this guy. Nothing has changed... You decided not to take the advice of everyone in this thread you wrote a month ago... In that thread you got advice, you decided against it. You obviously decided to try again... Nothing has changed except for now there are more dudes, more proof, and more deceit...

Go back to that thread, read it again.
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Old 05-04-2011, 05:40 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: My heart hurts.Wife caught.Long story

I agree w/everyone else on here. She's using you for financial support and that's it. Her words are nothing but empty promises in hopes that you will give her the time she needs before she gets her ducks in a row and leave you high and dry.

I'm sorry but a loving wife does not act this way. She's just upset that she got caught and the consequences are getting to her. She's not upset because she hurt your or ruined your marriage. She's only upset she couldn't do things the way she had been doing them...you supporting her while she banged this other dude.
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Old 05-04-2011, 05:59 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My heart hurts.Wife caught.Long story

I agree w/ those that say the folks who can work past it--amazing. My hat goes off to them. Truly.

My marriage ended and honestly I still deal with triggers and it pains me and we're divorced now. Even afterwards, it hurts.
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Old 05-04-2011, 06:22 PM   #12 (permalink)
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"I asked her why she started talking to another man and her answer was that she felt that I hated her and didn't think she was pretty anymore." This is her excuse? PLEASE. Bro, you need to get out while you still can.
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Old 06-11-2012, 12:35 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: My heart hurts.Wife caught.Long story

Although this is an old thread, I feel for you Kevin. Went through the same thing.

Started when my wife started locking her phone, turning it off as i approached her and her storties about coming 'straight from work' didnt add up.

She also was very promiscuous when we met and told me that she has had affairs with other married men before (after I confronted her that I saw her instant messages)

I had the ability to see her instant messenger and what she typed. She was bragging on her personal facebook group ( a private group accessible by only invitees) how she was meeting this one, havign an affair with a married man, 'doing' this rich guy etc). It was so hurtful to see this. I literally had tears in my eyes.

I treated her well and was a good provider for her and my daughter. I paid for everything in the house. She was still working and God knows what she was doing with her money.

So she left and started her old habit, chatting with random men and actually meeting them and being physical with them. The conversation would turn very crude within 20 minutes and she would tell those totla strangers my daughters name and sometimes her address so they could come over. I fear for my daughter's security. She would even tell those guys my name and where I hang out and my description; for what reasons? I dont know and neither does anyone.

When I confronted her about that, she became very annoyed that I was spying on her and told me and i kid you not "they are harmless"; really you barely even know these guys and they know my daughter's anme and your adress and even where I hang out? Of course she replied oh it's a joke. Obviously she is ver detached from 'real life'.

But we are now going to 'joint counseling'; what would that solve, I fear nothing since she is still seeing other men. Not sure why she even agreed to go to joint counseling.

Im still very hurt about it but I am healing faster now, as if im having some closure that my marriage is over.

I'm sure there is a woman out there that would appreciate me and what I have to offer.

I worked two jobs and one of them as a Reservist in the guard to provide for my family; nice new house, car for her, I carry all the insurances. So I feel like an idiot for having been taken advantage of.

On to new things as I know I have a lot to offer. One day at a time



Take it easy Kevin and hope you're doing well.
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Old 06-11-2012, 12:36 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ahhhmaaaan! View Post
"I asked her why she started talking to another man and her answer was that she felt that I hated her and didn't think she was pretty anymore." This is her excuse? PLEASE. Bro, you need to get out while you still can.
I got the same excuse by the way.

Oh i didnt feel like you loved me anymore. Sure thats why when ew did the house rennovation, I let you choose how you wanted the kitchen, the colors etc. Still not good enough
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Old 06-11-2012, 12:53 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: My heart hurts.Wife caught.Long story

Marriage is more than just finance....
How long will you be living in doubt and mistrust?
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