Vengeance vs. Self Preservation
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Vengeance vs. Self Preservation

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 05-06-2011, 04:04 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Vengeance vs. Self Preservation

OK, as all know my spouse really played with me and betrayed my family. All you also know that I am absolutely devastated by all of it. My family fabric is torn, my finances are taking a huge hit, my standard of living will go down (and hers as well, as it freaking better). I have lost the woman who has meant so much to me through 16 years, is the mother of my two adorable children who now will have to split time with their mommy and daddy.

My wife not only has cheated, but now the revelations of extreme gaslighting, lying, and lewd behaviors throughout the affair are rampant. These revelations hurt me tremendously. She is the one who has filed for divorce, and is pursuing with all her might a potential future with the other man…who himself is married (God, that just kills me). He is kicked out of his house by his wife who will file for divorce as well, and the involvement of my wife with their marriage has pushed them over the edge. My wife is therefore a “homewrecker”.

The excuses she gives now for breaking apart my family (As well as the dude’s family) and the affair are standard fog behaviors. I also truly believe she has no remorse for her behaviors which have been nothing but abominable. She has been lewd, mischievous, a rampant liar, manipulator, and basically a person of low morals and scruples. She has lost my respect in so many ways now. I prefer to say that she is just no longer the woman I married, but something else in her pretty skin.

I go through so many emotions, from depression to anger to acceptance, to being scared about the future and deep sadness for my kids. We have a lot to settle for our divorce such as the specific child custody, equitable distributions, alimony, etc. She had requested we be “amicable”. But how can I be amicable, when I and indirectly my kids have been treated with no regard and such disrespect. Know what I mean?

One element I am having trouble with is that with the fog behavior, my wife is painting me out in a light that is neither accurate nor fair. Man that pisses me off. But let the truth be told I have dirt on her. LOTS of it. How should that dirt be used? Is letting the story be told considered me acting out in anger and vengeful, or is it self preservation. My counselor tells me that exposing her does nothing for me. I explain, it may protect me and my reputation, and may also be needed in court battles. But is at least part of the motivation vengeance, and should it be?

I’m torn about if or how to expose her. I want to be civil for the sake of my kids, but I also would like the story to be told, know what I mean? That means the entire story, the dirt, the gaslighting, the lying, the behaviors, the cheating, all of it. Or should I just “let go”. Get the damn divorce papers filed and move on….
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Old 05-06-2011, 04:17 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Vengeance vs. Self Preservation

Always utilize self-preservation.

However, that does not mean you cover up her nasty little secrets.

You don't ahve to order a banner to fly over your town announcing "Mrs. PJ is an adulteress/homewrecking a--hole!" (though it does sound funny) but...

when people ask, tell them. Straight up.

People: Well what happened taht yu're getting divorced?
You: Mrs. PJ is currently involved in an adulterous affair with a married man and has decided to pursue that.

Be matter of fact. You don't have to cover for her. She chose this, remember?

If he's married and his wife doesn't know, tell her today. She has a right to know.

I thought you said your wife filed already? if so, get a la\wyer and respond. If she hasn't, serve her with D papers fast. Then be stealth.

Then only speak to her about the kiddos. If the kids ask what's going on, tell them the truth: Mom has a boyfriend and has decided to pursue that. End quote. Don't go into details. Mom can explain. This is her doing.

Be cool, be confident, be collected. Stay above the fray.

You have nothing to be embarassed about. Be the best dad for your kids.

The more together you seem, the more it's going to piss her off. Guaranteed.

So be your calm, cool, bad ass self, the one she first met. Only now act like you're not into her.

Get it?

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Old 05-06-2011, 04:26 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Vengeance vs. Self Preservation

My counselor tells me that exposing her does nothing for me.

I have to agree here with your counselor. I really think you will feel bad for it later. To me what is important is that you feel good about you.
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Old 05-06-2011, 05:13 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Vengeance vs. Self Preservation

I think you should do whatever makes YOU feel better... She obviously did with no remorse whatsoever. Taking the HIGHROAD... **** the highroad. Expose her for what she truly is... a lying cheating *****!
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Old 05-06-2011, 05:42 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Vengeance vs. Self Preservation

My situation is almost the same. Self preservation.

Let Her Go! Don't get involved in this rubbish any more. Oh .. It sounds so easy. It isn't. Revenge is a form of hanging on..

I was talking to my new friend who had a destructive affair over 12 years ago. She is STILL consumed by guilt. It broke every single ethical bone in her body. It killed her next relationship. She was cheated on..

Here is what is going to happen...
The affair is going to become more and more drama filled. The longer it goes on the more destructive it will be. She will feel pain for the OM like you feel for her now.
Then:
She will wake up and see herself. The pain will multiply and she will be on her own experiencing this. You will have moved on.

She has destroyed her life.

Revenge not required.
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Old 05-06-2011, 08:19 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Vengeance vs. Self Preservation

If you have dangelable proof of the affair hang on to it when needed. If some folks have an issue with you then use it. If folks have no issue with you then don't.

Its my take when you show people evidence that have nothing to gain or loss by associating with you then leave it hidden.

But if you have associations and important relationships that will be greatly effected, then inform these certian people that will greatly effect your relationship..."that your W had an affair and here is the proof if you would like to review it".

In addition if there are certain folks that you believe will help you with your stuggle and you are looking for support then by all means show them the evidence and ask for there support in helping you move on with this horrible things that have been done to you.

So there are some people that need to be enlightened with the truth, and others that don't. So be selective so that the past relationship you have with them will not be jaded.
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Old 05-07-2011, 01:40 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Vengeance vs. Self Preservation

PJ.

I agree. You don't have to tell the world. Just tell them when you absolutely need to.

As an example....

My wife had an EA. Went through all that blame shifting and gas lighting also. After we separated, my mother in law called me up and ripped me a new a$$hole. Called me all sorts of nasty things I didnt think possible coming from such a sweet lady, because I was less than a true man for having an affair on my wife, her daughter. WTF? So, I had to set the story straight to her about the r
REAL reason we separated.

A few days later, I got a call from our mutual best friends we had as a couple (married friends we spent a lot of time with that we both really enjoyed like family). Guess what? They BOTH ripped me another a$$hole for the exact same reason. Guess what I spent the next hour explaining to them....lol. Unfortunately...they still stopped all contact with me anyways...that whole friends of the ex wife thing going on....usually the husband is the one that gets dropped in the friendship....but that is another story. Oh well.

So, you don't have to be vengeful, but don't keep everything a dark secret either.
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Old 05-07-2011, 07:29 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Vengeance vs. Self Preservation

When people found out we were getting a divorce pretty much all were shocked and they all asked why. If they asked why I told them why. If they did not believe me, I showed them some of the proof. I never, ever made a single accusation without having a proof, I never badmouthed husband saying he was this or that during the marriage because he never was abusive or anything like that. I only told his family and three mutual friends deliberately about his affair.

People realized how hurt I was with his behaviour and pretty much all said the same thing: that an affair is not the solution to marriage problems.

Some people will stay in touch with you, some will not. You have no control over that. But I am a strong believer in telling the truth. Remember the truth always rises despite all the lies she will tell people.
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Old 05-07-2011, 08:35 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Vengeance vs. Self Preservation

I'm just getting real tired of my wife telling people "I am textbook verbally abusive", and "I create a household filled with "disrespect", and that "Our marriage was over years ago", but she just didn't know it. It's nuts, and makes no sense, especially in the light that my wife had consistently said to me on numbers of occassions, some not even that long ago "I absolutely love my life".

What I'm most concerned about is her family's perspective and the people I got to know through her family. It just is not fair an inaccurate image will come to light, as well as exaggerations regarding our marriage, meanwhile, I"m sure nothing will be said about how my wife behaved in the last several months while developing a new boyfriend while BOTH were still married. Nothing will also be said about the lewd behaviors that are testament to the fact my wife has lost her mind.

This I think is what I struggle with most throughout all of this, as well as the lingering questions whether the last 16 years of my life have been a "sham". i.e. is this the woman I've been married to, but just did not know it...
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Old 05-07-2011, 09:14 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Vengeance vs. Self Preservation

Oh my now ex h also tells people how "there were problems for years" conveniently omitting the affair part of it. Expect that to happen. It's text book behaviour.
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Old 05-07-2011, 10:13 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Vengeance vs. Self Preservation

Forget what your counselor is telling you---at this point if you are in a divorce battle---it is WHAT YOUR ATTORNEY SAYS NEEDS TO BE DONE---If you don't have an atty---get one now, and do what he/she tells you tod----your counselor doesn't know what a judge will do, your atty DOES
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Old 05-07-2011, 04:59 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Vengeance vs. Self Preservation

It's crazy to think that we married these people thinking they will remain that same person we feel in love with. I liken it to "Invasion of the Bodysnatchers." Who is this person who stands before me now... I don't know anymore. Someone is wearing my wife's body like a glove or something.
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Old 05-07-2011, 05:25 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Vengeance vs. Self Preservation

^ 100% true. It's like an alien stole their body and mind and their speech.

That's why the faster you detach--the better!

The person you once knew is gone.
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Old 05-07-2011, 05:37 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Vengeance vs. Self Preservation

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jellybeans View Post
^ 100% true. It's like an alien stole their body and mind and their speech.

That's why the faster you detach--the better!

The person you once knew is gone.
amen
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Old 05-07-2011, 06:16 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Vengeance vs. Self Preservation

I've never understood why counselors tell men not to have a relationship while they are in the process of divorce, yet those same counselors tell their male clients that their STBXW full blown affair is inconsequential. What does that say about our divorce system?
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