I've been looking for some place to vent and get some insight from others and thankful I found this site. I just discovered my wife is--by definition--involved in the early stages of an emotional affair. I accidentally discovered this when checking the phone logs of our daughter's text messaging and noted that my wife had an exceptional high number herself (only 1/2 way through billing cycle), which I thought as unusual. In scanning the list I noted a long string of msgs from same number in Savannah, GA area code and thought it unusual for so many with her cousin, who we had just visited and attended his wedding in early April. Then the light bulb went on--we met one of the cousin's best friends (married, but without his wife in attendance), chatted some off/on through out the evening, some together, some independently, and even went outside to smoke a cigar together. Wife later (and several times over the course of the next few days) let it be known to me how he seemed disappointed that I joined them for a cigar (apparently her suggestion once she learned he liked them), and further let me know that as he was leaning over her chatting at the dinner table, he clearly was looking down her front at her "ladies". Yes, I know she was sexually attracted to him, but that didn't bother me in the least as we often will comment to each other about opposite sex appeal. At the end of the evening there were goodby's and a "passing" comment to look us up on Facebook and add us. Several days later I got an invite and accepted, and assumed she did too...but now as I read the message string, it appears she requested the friend add, not he.
Now the troubling part...she has never told me that he is on her facebook, although his name came up in idle conversation few times. More importantly, she never told me they were sending messages back & forth. Worst part...we were to have a long weekend together 2 weeks ago, but she instead went out with girlfriends to a BD party and spent night with one of them, was out late and got home mid-day Sat. All of the "I missed you" stuff, one passionate kiss--a bit forced by me, and that was it....then she started this guy that afternoon...off/one through out the evening, and then started up again mid-day Sunday for several hours--she had to cut it off it appears from the log just as we walked out door to car to pick up our daughter, then picked it up right away as soon as we got back in house few hrs later and continued until almost midnight. Over 7 hours of texting...a bit excessive if you ask anyone, but for someone you just met briefly at a social gathering---Ummmmm. Then she picked it up right away the next morning, on/off throughout the day. I discovered all of this traffic early Mon morning at work when I opened the online phone account to pay it and noticed she had already done so. I casually mentioned that "I see you paid the phone bill" later that day after work. The next morning she changed her password on her facebook account--yes, we up to this point have shared all of our email & other passwords. Her words--I have no secrets.
Well, this is clearly a "secret" and I'm pissed as hell. Ok, I'm a snoop, as I know how to look for saved passwords and now have access to her FB again--but she doesn't know. The text messaging has dropped off--I suspect she knows I'm aware of the long string over past weekend as I called this guys number and sure enough, it was his Vmail that picked up. Of course, she can & suspect she did, look at my phone log and see his number--but not a word said. Yep, I'm pissed, angry, hurt, devalued, and the list goes on. This is somewhat of a pattern of hers...she has had previous IM's/texting with former lovers who she was with prior to us getting together (together 4+ yrs, married 1.5), but she told me she was doing that, although she deleted messages when I asked her if I could read them (no secrets, right?). She also lied about talking with one on the phone (we were both IMing at same time, but she had to take a potty break--interestingly at same time there was a 20 min phone call to a number in his area code. When I challenged this, she very strongly denied it
Anxious to see and benefit from the forum's comments/advice. Sorry to be so long winded, but I speak and write for a living (Univ Prof).
Deal with this is a couple of steps, you must not talk about any relationship issues while she is in the affair, you have to get rid of the other man,OM, this is done by making his life very uncomfortable by exposing the affair. Access your wifes Facebook then access his friends list, copy their names to a word document with a copy of the web link to their page. The following happens in a very short space of time, confront your wife about the affair, she may choose to lie and deny, ignore her explanations. Call your family and hers and let them know of her adultery, call his wife if you have her details , if they are separated or you think she is not going to stop the OM then go to Facebook and message as many of the OM's family and friends telling them of the affair warning them that he is a preditor. Sit back and wait for the fallout , if challenged state you have hard evidence and you will not accept her adultery.
Fight for your marriage, run this plan as quickly as you can. After exposure your wife may be mad , good, offer her a cookie, your marriage can survive the anger it cannot survive ongoing adultery. Do not fight her , smile, listen say little and never leave your home, if she leaves the children stay. Look up the 180 thread or google it. Don't blink, don't hesitate and follow your plan through. There is no marriage counselling until she has evidenced the affair is over.
Be very prepared for a tough ride including a possible separation , fear is your weakness turn this to your advantage.
Finally do not spend days thinking about this , she is in an affair no doubt , start gathering the Facebook information, by Monday you should have confronted her, told your family and hers and be ready to blast messages across Facebook should she not have admitted fully her affair, there are words we can post for you to use once you have confronted her and spoke to the families. Remind yourself you are making statements to her , you are stating she is in an affair and will cease all contact and provide you with any information you request. Do not worry about her threats it will be standard fog speak.
Go to the affaircare.com site and read the articles , it will give you some background as to what plan we are following. Posted via Mobile Device
Hey Prof---You knew based on prior EA's she cheats on you----everyone of those prior EA's WAS CHEATING---
How did you handle those EA's---did you sweep them under the rug
There must be accountability---there has to be boundaries, and there has to be toughness on your part
You have only been married a year and a half---and she is cheating on you all over the place
She obviously has very little in the way of morale's, and scruples---and you didn't seem to care---now all of a sudden you care
Stop worrying about checking on her---there is no privacy in a mge---that is what was agreed to, when vows were taken---you are spose to be open books to each other
The night out with the GF's---you better check on that, cuz I am willing to bet---she met this other guy, and they had sex----and if you don't think so, you are one very naive person
You have enuff to confront---do so---coldly, quietly, and brook no discussion, or arguing----say what you have to say---layout you boundaries, and walk away---let it sink in with her----and STAY HARD AS NAILS ABOUT THIS---no backing off, no lovey-dovey, no wishy-washy
Thanks all for the wise insight & support on this. Not to clutter the original post with too much, I need to add that I did let the cat out of the bag Thurs night...went to bed a bit early, woke up and came to living room and found her chatting with the guy (1000 miles away, so, no, she didn't sleep with him on the BD party night). I may have been too overbearing (she claims I beat up on her for over an hour--bringing up past related incidents, other times she has point-blank lied, etc), and typically claimed she is just being a "friend". I shared in no uncertain terms how I felt, what it does to our marriage, etc...she then deleted him (& all messages) from her phone, said she would write & cut it off (that her marriage was more important). She went into the "sulk" mode...hid out in her office all day yesterday and much of today. While she says she is sorry for the pain she has caused, I'm thinking she is pissed that she was caught (again). Can't get her to talk openly to me...clams up. We are supposed to be in joint therapy, but she said she now needs to take a "break" and decide if she really wants to get below the surface and deal with some things that are in her head. So--waiting game for now. I unequivocally stated that if this sort of thing every surfaces again, I have decided that the pain of leaving is far less than the pain of staying and I'd be gone without a word.
Hey Prof---as to the NC---do not let her write a letter---It goes as an E-Mail---with you reading the content, and watching it be sent
As to her attitude---she cheated, do not let her sulk---if there are problems with the mge---make her discuss/work them out----
She is not entitled to go around pouting---she either gets into a proper frame of mind, or tell her she can be a divorced, single woman, that was known to cheat on her H---she ain't gonna get many decent men carrying around that label----
If she didn't want this mge---why did she get married--I am sure you didn't put her in a hammerlock, and force her to say I do----tell her to grow up, or leave
Take this a step further, go to the affaircare.com site and read the items under articles. She must never have contact with him ever again, the only note she writes is a no contact letter a template can be found in the articles section I refered to. Unless she works on the marriage she is not remorseful and will find another way to contact him or start another EA.
You have to end her cheating ways permanently. I have mentioned this elsewhere go buy the "surviving an affair" by Harley and both read it and make changes to prevent this happening again. If there are no consequences and extraordinary precautions that she follows she WILL cheat again. Posted via Mobile Device
Don't bother with MC unless you are convinced she is full committed to you and your marriage. Set those boundaries high, if she breaks them ensure you follow up with the consequences. Do tell her family and yours she was in an EA , not doing this will cause problems futher down the line if you have to take more drastic action. What is stopping the OM calling her? Posted via Mobile Device