Bullied into emotional affair? Our story
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 05-07-2011, 04:33 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Bullied into emotional affair? Our story

Jay got trapped and put into a situation he never wanted to be in. Jay (27) and his wife Lori (26) were crazy about each other and always have been. They had worked together at several businesses over the years and it was never a problem until Millie was hired. Within two weeks his world was turned upside down. She had her eye on him from day one. After meeting him for the first time she announced to co-workers "Oh my God! He is just so hot". The fact that he was married was a non-issue.
It all started when Lori got sick for a week and went to stay with her mom so that she could get some help with their pre-schooler while Jay worked long hours as Executive Chef in the fanciest restaurant in their small tourist town. He had the best job in the restaurant industry in the county. People respected him. He made good money, drove a nice car and lived in a beautiful house in one of the best neighborhoods in town.
While away Jason went out with a couple co-workers, Milly and Ari. Ari got extremely intoxicated and left Millie (server) and Jay alone. They clicked and had a good time having a couple drinks and talking. Innocent enough.
A few days later while Lori was still out sick, Ari invited them out again and this time he did not show up. Millie and Jay were once again put in an awkward situation. Jay made the mistake of getting a ride home with her and that's when the three week streak of lies and betrayal started. That night she confessed that regardless of the fact that she was engaged and he was married there was definately chemistry there. They would talk about music, their relationships and they had a lot of interests in common. She told him she had feelings for him that were undeniable for her. He should have been straight forward then and there but her encouraged her by not being direct and honest from the get go. He also felt that they clicked but did not feel strongly as she did. She was drunk and he didn't take it seriously. He told her that he could see how she could say that but she shouldn't look into it. He never addressed it and responded very vaguely.
She opened up and explained how she was un-happy in her relationship and was planning to leave her fiance as soon as she found a place. Feeling uncomfortable he named a few minor problems that he struggled with in his marriage. That opened a new door. She had amminition. She planted the seed in his head that his problems were deal-breakers and he should leave his wife. She planted the seed in his head that maybe he was unhappy. Has he been ignoring the truth this whole time? She played the whole "I want you to be happy, this has nothing to do with me" card.
Meanwhile she approached her boss at work and showed true concern that Lori and Jay's problems were affecting everyone and it made her really uncomfortable. She was able to convince them that it had to stop. Being lower level then Jay, Lori had to go. To Millie her problems was solved. Everyone was clueless that there were alternative motives.
The third time they hung out she casually mentioned that she loved him and he said it back. Feeling put on the spot and like it was the thing to say back. He knew the moment he said it that he was screwed and there was no going around the fact that what he was doing was wrong. He may not love her, he may not even be romantically interested but he loved her praising him all the time and the attention. It was a drug. It felt good. He didn't have that heart to admit to himself what he was doing. Reality was out of sight.
At this point Jay realized that he was in a situation that he never intended and had no one to blame but himself. He even stayed out all night with her. He lied to his wife... the night consisted of Millie throwing up all over being billigerent and Jay being straned in her car with a drunk driver. What was he to do now? He just wanted to be friends and she backed him into a corner. How was he to end it? Would she tell the owner? Would she tell his wife? He couldn't just ignore her and not give her the chance to corner him again. They worked together everyday. He knew he was weak. Instead of dealing with the problem he went along with it, afraid of conflict. He thought that there had to be away to get out without anyone getting hurt.
The guilt was starting to get to him. Although they had only snuck around a few times and no sex was involved he did all he could to avoid his wife. His shifts of 7:30-2 and 5-9 had changed to 7-10:30 pm. He would pick fights with her or make an excuse to go right to bed. She begged him to hire more help, to deligate and to spend time with her and her son.
After the emotional affair (do you call it that without love... when it's one sided?) had been going on for two weeks Lori had enough. Jay was never there and was plain mean and distant when he was around. She decided to address it. She didn't give him a chance to avoid her any longer. After a lot of thought and soul searching she said to him. "Jay, I have done everything I can think of to make this relationship work. I am at peace with the fact that it is out of my hands and that I put all I have into. I can't live like this anymore. I have begged you to be with the family. I have begged you to be there for me during some dark times these last few weeks. I have stopped doing all your pet peeves, I have worked on my weaknesses, I have addressed and worked on our problems. This is your chance to part with me amicably. I don't care what is going on, I love you but I want us to be happy."
Almost from the get go he knew he loved his wife and didn't want to leave her. He drew her close and said nothing would ever keep them apart. He meant it. Now what to do?
From the get go Millie acted like Lori's friend and would even talk about their relationships. Lori admitted on a couple different occasions that her and Jay were having problems. After that talk though Millie noticed and immediate change. Lindsey came in and was glowing. She said proudly "We sorted it out, our problems are gone." Jay and Lori were affectionate at work and sometimes Millie was watching. Lori would put cute quotes on love on his facebook. He stopped going out with Millie. He would leave work early without saying goodbye. Millie was worried. She started corning Jay more frequently and breaking down all the time. He didn't know how to get rid of her. What would she do? She was a bit unpredictable and in a fairy tale land. Would he lose his job? What would she say?
He didn't spend time with Millie all week. At the end of the week she cornered him yet again. He agreed to go out. Just for one drink. He didn't know how to end it and thought it would bye him some time.
9:00 PM turned to 1:30 AM and Lori was worried. He said he would be home no later then 11:00. She drove down to their work and saw that he had left at 9. When she got home he was there. Admitted that he hung out with her and her friends but was to cowardly to admit the whole truth. Lori caught him on his lies slowly but surely and finally he denied getting her phone calls. She grabbed the phone and saw the texts.
"Love you Jay"
"yea"
And more....
She took her son and left. He sobbed and pleaded with her... he never slept with her. It wasn't an affair. He told her he loved her. He let it go on... He had been so cruel to his wife because of her. Finally he had to wake up and smell the coffee.
He called Millie the next morning and told her it was all out in the open. Lori was calling their boss, Lori knew everything and they couldn't talk again.
Of course Millie lied when their boss confronted her. Lori is paranoid, they only hung out once untill 10:00. She is the victim. But after the boss learned the truth Millie was fired.
Lori is so much pain. Everyday hurts. It is so hard for Jay to see her this was day after day, month after month. It has been 4 months and she breaks down into tears often enough. Sometimes it will be 6 weeks between sometimes days. He feels so helpless. The fact is he never loved her... he felt no loss since ending things but relief. As more time went on he resented and hated Millie more and more. Convinced that Millie went after him to escape her lower class life with an ex-heroin addict fiance. That she wanted to become Lori. She wanted her life.


How can Jay convince Lori that he never felt more then a friendship with Millie?
How can he live with himself?
How can Lori ever get over the pain?
Was it really an emotional affair if Jay never wanted Millie and his feelings never went beyond platonic?
Was he lying to himself?
Could he really deal with seeing her anger and pain for the years that it would take her to move on?

Outside perspectives are much appreciated
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Old 05-07-2011, 04:42 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Bullied into emotional affair? Our story

So which one are you?

Jay or Lori?


Jay f*cked up. He needs to own it and if he has any moral compass he will apologize to his wife and empathize with her pain.

Millie clearly has boundary issues since she did not care about her fiance, Jay's marriage or his wife.
Jason or Lori?
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Old 05-07-2011, 04:43 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Bullied into emotional affair? Our story

Oh and by the way nobody is ever "bullied" into an affair.
Jay chose on his own to do what he did.
"I love you" are three pretty big words to be throwing around if you don't mean it. I know some folks say that to get laid but they are big loud words that carry weight.
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Old 05-07-2011, 04:54 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Bullied into emotional affair? Our story

Quote:
How can Jay convince Lori that he never felt more then a friendship with Millie?
He can't because it's not true. Actions speak louder than words. He cheated no matter how he wants to paint it.

Quote:
How can he live with himself?
Good question and I don't know. I couldn't if I did that to my spouse.

Quote:
How can Lori get over the pain?
No idea. I'm not Lori.

Quote:
Was it really an emotional affair if Jay never wanted Millie and his feelings never went beyond platonic?
Yes because he got off on the praise, spent time with her alone when he knew full well what her intentions were.

Quote:
Was he lying to himself?
Yes.

Quote:
Could he really deal with seeing her anger and pain for the years that it would take her to move on?
Only Jay can answer.

And ditto on the nobody was bullied into an affair. Happened because he allowed it to happen.
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Old 05-07-2011, 05:00 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Bullied into emotional affair? Our story

Is this a real experience, or just a story?
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Old 05-07-2011, 05:05 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Bullied into emotional affair? Our story

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Originally Posted by magnoliagal View Post
And ditto on the nobody was bullied into an affair. Happened because he allowed it to happen.

Unavailable is unavailable! Your actions need to support whether you are eligible to date others or not.
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Old 05-07-2011, 05:12 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by ahhhmaaaan! View Post
Is this a real experience, or just a story?
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Old 05-07-2011, 05:39 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by confused334 View Post
Jay got trapped and put into a situation he never wanted to be in.
My situation was very similar to the above story. Unfortunately at the time I believed I got trapped and had nowhere to run. The reality of the situation is I had a choice and made the wrong one. It takes two to tango as they say.
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Old 05-07-2011, 11:31 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Bullied into emotional affair? Our story

Not sure what this really is---but as to the character---Jay---he sure as he*l is nauve, and immature

He had to know what millie was all about, and that she was after him---If he didn't he was sitting on his brains

His wife had more balls than he did---he doesn't deserve his wife, she at least stands up for herself----he, just a big baby---

He was allegedly the hottest chef, around---he wasn't gonna get fired over what some recently hired waitress claimed-----once again---he is just plain immature, and naive, and lets add stupid!!!!!!!
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Old 05-08-2011, 01:33 PM   #10 (permalink)
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<----- dumb wife right here...
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Old 05-08-2011, 01:37 PM   #11 (permalink)
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He didn't tell her he loved her... she did say it casually to him many times though! In the texts he would say it and he would acknowledge it without encouragement. Saying "ok" or "yea". She cornered him everyday to try to convince him to leave me... she tried to convince them that minor major issues were deal breakers. Is it an emotional affair if he is not emotionally attached and is just sneaking around and enabling this girl that is a fantasy world?
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Old 05-08-2011, 01:41 PM   #12 (permalink)
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What do I do now... He is really trying and I know he is a cowardly, childish dumbass. He was the one that should have honored me. What does she owe me? Nodda... I just don't relate to all these infidelity stories I hear because it is very apparent that he wasn't emotionally attached. He didnt grieve after ending things and it really was just a handful of times of them hanging out behind my back and her putting herself out there without any real conclusions from my husband. It went on for only 3 weeks. One of which he was with me all the time and completely avoided her.
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Old 05-08-2011, 02:13 PM   #13 (permalink)
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I hear you but what if he had gotten emotionally attached? I mean it almost sounds like dumb luck that this chick was unstable and that he never connected. But what if that had not been the case? What would he have done then? That is I think is at the root of why you are struggling.
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Old 05-08-2011, 02:45 PM   #14 (permalink)
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This:

Quote:
Originally Posted by confused334 View Post
He didn't tell her he loved her...
doesn't match this:

Quote:
Originally Posted by confused334 View Post
The third time they hung out she casually mentioned that she loved him and he said it back.

Quote:
Originally Posted by confused334 View Post
I just don't relate to all these infidelity stories
Sorry to break it to you but you're one of us now.

The longer you deny he stepped out on you, the worse for you.
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Old 05-23-2011, 04:40 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jellybeans View Post
This:


U r right
doesn't match this:






Sorry to break it to you but you're one of us now.

The longer you deny he stepped out on you, the worse for you.
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