He won't help and she won't stop until you change the balance, gather the contact details on her friends and family. Stop begging, asking and hoping he is going to do something. When you have sufficient details on her post , we will guide you through the exposure part, time to rattle her cage.
180 keep to it I sense you may not quite be following it. Posted via Mobile Device
I'm trying. I really am. I just have this immoveable feeling of inner anger when the hours tick by and still he has made no effort. I know that the whole time I have been stewing and agonising over it, he hasn't given it a second thought.
Don't get me wrong, he's more than happy to work at the quality time the counsellor suggested. The kind of stuff that isn't directly linked to trust issues but is helping better our relationship, he has been doing fine. It's almost like he's treating the illness without having acknowledged there is an illness if that makes sense.
I am working hard on not basing my happiness on how he is acting. It is very hard! I could understand him thinking I wasn't upset if I hadn't said how I felt, but my upset only seems to matter when I wave it about in his face. Otherwise he forgets and thinks it isn't there. That really hurts.
Keep on track , the 180 becomes a habit and it will strengthen you. When you are strong enough take the next step. Your husband is enjoying the quality time he is cake eating , two woman in his life he must be happy. His affair is far from over. Carry on digging for her information. Posted via Mobile Device
Forget this asking him crap. Tell him you aren't just upset, you are furious not so much with her but with him. Tell him to change his ****ing number by Monday. If he fails to do so, he has clearly chosen her over you and with that very clear message, you will alter your behaviour accordingly. If that leads to divorce, so be it. But you are tired of his excuses. This could have been over and done with long ago if he would get off his ass and prove his commitment to you.
His inaction sends a powerful message. Posted via Mobile Device
Another good word to us : disappointed. Disappointed that your marriage and your wife mean less to him than a bit of inconvenienve. Posted via Mobile Device
Be patient keep in track, part of the 180 is to do something for yourself, change the colour of your hair, do your nails and go out for a girly evening. The 180 says don't tell him you are not accountable to him, until he in words, actions and deeds protects your marriage and you focus on yourself , you will get stronger do not doubt it, the 180 is there for a reason and works. Posted via Mobile Device
He changed his number yesterday. He was still dragging his heels but he did it. Funnily after I was almost expecting some very annoyed remarks but he was fineabout it.
I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. The only thing that does worryme is if any of his co-workers who get his no. pass it on to her, some of them know her and some of the guys are the sort to think it would be funny.
I am still slowly gathering info on the OW. I'm not doing anything with it, yet. My guess is that the no contact from him will mean her efforts will disappear.
He changed his number yesterday. He was still dragging his heels but he did it. Funnily after I was almost expecting some very annoyed remarks but he was fineabout it.
Because you held your ground
Quote:
The only thing that does worryme is if any of his co-workers who get his no. pass it on to her,
Use the next few days to have her number blocked.
Keep on him. If she does get through, phone the company HR team.
He should make it clear to colleagues that this directly impacts marriage. Anyone who does not respect that should say it now and not rec. Number. If anyone else asks for number from someone else, you need to be asked first. That is a common courtesy too few consider these days. Posted via Mobile Device
I raised this with him and he said there was no way any of them would pass on his number. Well we shall see.
Now I will have to go through sorting out access to his online cell records again. I know this will be another trial because I predict he will say something like, I still don't trust him after him changing his number for me? Also something like, how long will this last for, I'll never trust him, blah blah blah. Of course I will counter with, if you have nothing to hide then it shouldn't be aproblem, he will reply with, he doesn't want me snooping, I will say ok, I am quite happy to look in your presence at your cell records should I need to.
If anyone has any handy responses to him countering my wanting to have online access, they'd be really useful right now!
What is his definition of snooping? Imo it only becomes snooping when you believe the other person is being secretive. Over time you will gain trust. Further, it would be in his interest to hide any contact he might have with ow to avoid going through this with you again. Given his reluctance to be proactive in shutting het down, there isn't really a good record on his part for restoring trust. It actually takes a lot more from his side to get where he claims to want to be.
How's that?
However, offering him a time when you will stop looking except if he starts behaving idly would be nice. 6 months? Posted via Mobile Device
I raised this with him and he said there was no way any of them would pass on his number. Well we shall see.
Now I will have to go through sorting out access to his online cell records again. I know this will be another trial because I predict he will say something like, I still don't trust him after him changing his number for me? Also something like, how long will this last for, I'll never trust him, blah blah blah. Of course I will counter with, if you have nothing to hide then it shouldn't be aproblem, he will reply with, he doesn't want me snooping, I will say ok, I am quite happy to look in your presence at your cell records should I need to.
If anyone has any handy responses to him countering my wanting to have online access, they'd be really useful right now!
Why not tell him his actions have resulted in you not being able to give him your unconditional love that you used to before his EA? As a man he should be able to understand that.
Then tell him that you want to work on your relationship so that in the future you will be able to put all this behind you and again give him your unconditional love.
But this learning to love him unconditionally again is a process. Part of that process is that you have new boundaries. One of those boundaries is that you will have access at anytime to any records you want to see. That you want complete and utter transparency with what he is doing.
Tell him this will go on for as long as you feel it necessary because you want to regain your unconditional love for him and eventually put it all behind you.
So that’s his goal, regaining your unconditional love for him by being totally and utterly transparent.
Geez, does this man actually want to regain your trust or not? His actions don't say it. If he was truly remorseful, he would do anything to rebuild your trust in him.
In all honesty, I am predicting what he will say. I don't know that he will say any of those things. I suspect he will.
lordmayhem, I think he is sorry. I just think he wants to move forward, that is, for him, keep on going and never make reference to what happened again. Having to do any of the things I suggest means him facing what he did and he doesn't always want to look at how he behaved or how he hurt me. Because he doesn't know how to handle it.
AFEH, I like what you said, I may use some of that.
ClipClop, what he emans by snooping is looking at cellphone records, Facebook, email and so on, whilst he isn't there. I can see this, and I don't want to be controlling, but if he is willing to be completely transparent (I must use that word when I speak to him), it will go such a long way to rebuilding trust.
Re: The OW keeps mesaging my husband 
