What do you do when the OW continues to try and contact your spouse?
We are only a week after D-Day (hope I am getting the lingo right!) but things finished between them something like a month ago. From what I know, there has been a small amount of texting here and there, on both sides intermittently but nothing on his part for the last week or two, I have seen his cellphone bill.
She has messaged him a handful of times since he told me. He has let me know from work today that she messaged him earlier saying that she wishes she would see him again soon. He said on the phone that he thinks she's got a screw loose, but him saying that worries me, because it makes me think he could be wanting me to believe she's a psycho stalker when for all I know he could have messaged her, or been in contact. He says he hasn't apart from what he's told me.
So, assuming what he is saying is true, then what is the best way to tackle this? We are working hard to get through this, but I feel like she is an unwelcome visitor in our space by sending messages. He is not responding, but it's not looking like she is giving up. I have read about No Contact, but is there an official way to implement it, a way to go about it? Is it best for him to continue to just ignore her and hope she leaves it? What if she doesn't?
Is she married; if so every time she contacts your husband call her husband. Why has he not changed his phone number or mail address. There is no excuse good enough not to change these to protect your marriage. Has he written a no contact letter to her, if not there is a template on the affaircare.com site under the articles tab, you approve this before it is sent , thereafter if she persues him lay a harassment charge against her. This technique works wonderfully. Posted via Mobile Device
I couldn't just change my number. I have thousands of contacts (business and personal) in my phone.
He should send one final text back (in front of you) stating that he wants no further contact and any further contact will be address as harassment with law enforcement authorities. And if she makes contact, follow through with your threat.
A week after d-day is only a short time and the OW probably still has feelings for your husband, I imagine she is trying to try to get him back. If you look at OM/OW boards (eg loveshack.org) you can see how strongly many of them feel about their affair partner, it would probably be difficult for them to 'just drop it'.
I went through the same thing with my husband, the OW kept sending texts for many weeks after d-day. At first he replied a few times but then after he knew I was looking at this phone log he stopped replying, but her texts kept coming. He had told her they needed to break it off (I could tell this from her texts) but she didn't stop. I told him to get rid of his phone but he wasn't keen. I think that he was still getting some reinforcement and attention from her emails, and didn't try particularly hard to stop them - which he admitted at MC 4 weeks after d-day when he said he was still emotionally attached to her. Unfortunately they work together so this all got very difficult.
It was only when we he finally gave me his phone (I keep it hidden away, am keeping emails for evidence in case she brings a harassment case against him) and got a new one, and when we wrote a non-contact letter together and mailed it together (I made sure it was posted!), that her texts petered out and eventually stopped. In the end she was addressing nasty messages to me directly as she knew I was reading them lol....
We are almost 6 months after d-day and she is still trying to be 'friends' with him at work. It sucks, but I can't do anything about that except trust that he is keeping his relationship with her professional.
There are several things that can be done when OW won't stop contact and some are extreme--some a little less extreme.
One thing that can be a very good first step is to have your husband write a No Contact Letter. Here are some Sample No Contact Letters so you get the right idea. This is not "one last love letter" or something about how Fate won't let them be together...<puke>...but rather a clear, firm letter stating that no contact is desired WHATSOEVER. Usually a disloyal sort of hates to hurt the OP and I'm not saying he has to be a jerk, but there just is no way to be nice about this. ALL contact must end period. End of discussion. And the letter needs to say clearly that ALL contact is unwanted and if it continues there will be consequences.
He writes the No Contact Letter and gives it to you...and you mail it to her return receipt with a little note from you: "I do not intend to sit idly by while you attempt to harm our family. All contact is unwanted. If you do not cease and desist it will be considered as a hostile act warranting legal response." Then sign it. With the return receipt label you will be able to prove in a court of law that she received that demand to stop.
One that No Contact Letter is sent, you and hubby sit down together and delete her from his phone, email, Facebook etc. and block her. That way she may try but it will be blocked. If by some miracle she does get through--like if she leaves a note at work--then do not pass Go, do not collect $200...just go immediately and file a restraining order against her. Use the copy of the letter, the return receipt and the note at the office as documentation of stalking and the court will ORDER her to stay away. If she continues she can be put in jail and at that point I'd tell the boss at work there is an RO and she can lose her job.
See how that goes from giving her the chance to do the right thing to pretty harsh?
Would it be appropriate to send such a letter to a workplace? I ask because this was an emotional affair, they saw each other at work (they work in different departments) and was conducted via text, meeting up at work, he says he has no idea where she lives and at this point I have chosen to believe him.
I would honestly much prefer to live as though she doesn't exist and not acknowledge her presence anymore, and look forward, but every time she sends a message, I feel such an overwhelming feeling of anger that she dare try to invade our relationship. She knows I know and that although things haven't been great, we are working it through. I think she must be hoping that she will get some kind of response to show my husband still has some pull to her. I have even thought of contacting her myself to tell her in a straight forward way to stop contact.
I told my husband last night that he needed to change his number, he said, why, because of the woman? Then said yes and that was it. I raised my eyebrows, he seems clueless at times. Should I pursue him to do it, give him the number to call, or leave it to him?
I was going to bring up the subject of changing his number last night. He didn't mention it, and I for some reason just couldn't find the right words. I did not want to sound like a nag. Ultimately I am hoping it will come from him to show his willingness to dopositive things towards rebuilding. Though I have to be realistic, he may need reminding.
Also, the fact he sat me down straight from work and told me she was messaging him is a positive thing and I don't want to tread on that.
Your husband is talking a load of crock, he wants her messages , he wants her attention, his words tell you regardless of what the content of the messages are HE IS STILL in the affair , even if this is in his heart. He has told you he is unwilling to break contact with her, he is choosing to hurt you over getting rid of her. Do not stand for it, sit down with him express your boundaries in no uncertain terms that he is never to have contact with her again, if he declines start by exposing that he continues to maintain his affair to his parents and siblings ask for their support.
Is she married? Make a point of contacting her husband and/or parents , if all this fails ... ask him to leave.
Has be written the no contact letter , for you this is a must, if he declines especially in the light that they are in contact, this speaks volumes.
On a side note as long as he is in the house run what's called a Plan A and large elements of the 180 , the first meets his needs to ensure he knows what he will miss, the second strengthens you in case he does not change. Do you require a post with details of both? Posted via Mobile Device
If she continues to break no contact and continues to fish, then your husband needs to notify Human Resources since they work for the same company. Unwanted contact is harassment. He needs to let her know in the NC letter that HR will be notified if she continues to fish. The threat of losing her job will most likely stop her from fishing.
If that doesn't work, then he needs to file a police report for harassment in case she's a bunny boiler.
I spoke to him earlier and gave him the internet link that outlined the details of changing his number with his cellphone provider.
He read through it. Said did he need to change his number, after all it's her that is messaging, he's not replying. I said yes, he asked why, I said every time he messages, I feel she is invading our space.
He glanced through it again and then carried on what he was doing. I just looked at him when he walked out of the room, what do I need to do to get him to show just a bit of oomph, just some keenness to mend things. He isn't saying no to anything. He just isn't showing any get up and go or initiative to do anything himself. He started off so eager to make it up?