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My indiscretion - should I take it to the grave?

22K views 156 replies 40 participants last post by  GTdad 
#1 ·
I accept that many of the responses to this post will be negative and less than friendly - some may even dismiss me as a troll.
What I want to write about happened about 15 years ago. I had the day off work. My wife's friend drove past our house (she lived one block away) and noticed our car in the driveway so decided to stop by expecting my wife to be at home. I answered the door and invited her in for coffee. She is the flirty type and very soon our conversation became decidedly sexual. This eventually ended up with her giving me a BJ.
She was the aggressor and I was the passive participant. I accept this was no excuse to let things continue to this point - I was weak and should share the blame.
I am not being dismissive but it happened and I cannot change the past. The guilt, although fading with time, has ensured that I remain on the straight and narrow ever since.
 
#7 ·
My husband is a wise man. One time my friend stopped by to give me something but I wasn't home. The house was a mess that day and I was worried about her seeing it. He said he didn't invite her in bc he didn't feel comfortable doing that with me not home. He got brownie points from me that day. Op if you are being honest and it was a one time thing, take it to your grave. Ignorance is bliss. I would not want to know. Since you gave into temptation so easily,I'd hope you set up some boundaries after that!
 
#4 ·
The guilt, although fading with time, has ensured that I remain on the straight and narrow ever since.
Whatever helps you to stay on the straight and narrow is valuable. Your fading guilt is still bothering you and that is probably one of the reasons that you wrote this thread. I would make a list of the positive and the negative of you telling your wife. If the most important ones outweigh the lesser ones then you have some good information from which to evaluate.

Happlymarried25 is a woman and she has been married for 25+ years so she probably knows a lot about how a woman would feel about such things; I would take her post seriously. I would say that you can continue to use your guilt to keep you doing the right thing for her and you. Of course, at some point you want to get rid of the guilt and keep doing for yourself and your wife just because it is the right thing without any negative forcing you to do that. If you want to confess then ask your God to forgive you and see if that helps.

Here is a question or you, your wife has been faithful to you for 15 years; would you want your wife to confess to you that she had sexual action thoughts about another man 15 years ago?
 
#6 ·
Definitely take it to the grave.
As a woman I can tell you honestly what we don't know won't hurt us. However I kind of wonder how a woman just gives a BJ and goes home like it didn't happen. I don't do that very often and I am definitely not giving one without getting something in return so is there a little more to this story you just don't want to tell? Just curious because most men I know don't think a BJ is even considered cheating because they didn't do anything wrong, the woman did...lol.
Must have been a really amazing BJ if you remember it 15 years later
 
#9 ·
If your wife told you she gave one of your friends a BJ 15 years ago, would hearing about it now bring you two closer or add anything to your life? Take that crap to the grave. If you are reincarnated, continue keeping it a secret throughout your next life. If you do decide to unload that guilt on her, be prepared to hear some things she's done that you might wish you never knew about. If you decide to proceed with telling her, I'd leave out the part about this woman being the aggressor and forcing your penis into her mouth. Forgive the pun, but the story is a little hard to swallow.
 
#15 ·
Please take this to your grave. Do not hurt her anymore...just love her.
 
#16 ·
So you never finished the tale....

Is your wife still friends with this woman? What convos have you and this woman shared in the past 15 years? She has never flirted or forced herself on you again?

"In the year Two-thousandddd"
 
#18 ·
So, let's assume you're not a troll.
You call getting a BJ an "indiscretion," not a betrayal. Stop minimizing what you did.
You, sir, want to control your wife's right to decide how to live her life by withholding critical information. Or you just don't have sufficient inner strength to own your actions.

An honorable man would tell his wife and face the music.
 
#19 ·
Telling her might have been a wonderful idea about 15 years ago. Now, you've got a grenade which is laying next to a pile of TNT. The grenade is the BJ. The pile of TNT is the fact that you've kept it a secret for 15 years.

If I were blissfully unaware of something similar my wife did 15 years ago, I would like very much to remain blissfully unaware. There is sufficient drama today to contend with without driving back in time 15 years to pick up this smelly load.
 
#25 ·
The relationship has already forever changed. He is now remaining on the straight and narrow, as I see it, solely because of guilt.

I am staying out of this one as I can see it won't really matter.

I find it interesting that the entire description and subsequent guilt seems to be described very clinically and with little emotion, either way except the feeling of guilt he currently holds.

I think the key thing here is that no where does the OP mention love for his BW, timeframe they had been married, or anything else pertinent to the situation. It feels that he is remaining not due to love or anything related to the BS, but instead rather than admitting his weakness and faults. It feels almost as if he is just biding his time, and staying because of his guilt and that is his sole motivator. That is my take on it, and the reason he is afraid to admit the issues, not for her sake, but to relieve his soul entirely. He fell prey to quickly so I believe that there is more to the story than just the one incident (such as extensive marital problems, etc).

My $0.02 on this. I feel telling is the correct thing to of, but then again what do I know as I have always done the correct and moral thing,
 
#21 ·
I still say the biggest risk is the other woman. Was she married? Are they still part of your life or even live in the same town, state? Heck, even the same country? There's always that chance that she wants to cleanse her soul and tells or her hubby finds out and tells or she tells someone you don't even know and that person tells. That's about your only risk here that your wife finds out and it's from someone else and not you. Plus, you seem like a person with a conscience so that's probably going to nibble away at you for the rest of your life.
 
#22 ·
I'd take it to the grave.

If you have a chance to find out your wife's attitude - say, if the situation comes up in a movie or TV show - ask her if you want. Theoretically. Would she want to know about a long ago never repeated indiscretion, or would it be better not to know? Tell her what you'd want - I'm assuming that you'd not want to know. You may not change what you decide to do, but if she says she'd rather not know, then you may find a little more peace.
 
#24 ·
I hope you haven't been letting the friend around her or you since then. If you have, then that says even more about your character. As it is, I find it hard to believe that this just randomly happened with someone you know stopping by your house. If you can't be fully honest with your wife or internet strangers, at least be honest with yourself.
 
#27 ·
OP,
I am an advocate of complete honesty in a marriage. However, you case involves not just being honest but also being timely. I believe your wife should have had the choice to decide 15 years ago. You have now added extended deception to betrayal. You have dealt with the guilt for 15 years and since you are the perpetrator that is how it should be. I see nothing to be gained by inflicting this pain on your wife by "cleansing your soul" now save your own absolution. I suggest you take it with you to whatever exists beyond this life, if anything does, and hope we are all not knowledgeable of what transpired in this life else you may be in for some turbulence. Live with the knowledge and guilt that although your wife has been faithful to you, you could not do likewise.

You indicated that the guilt has kept you "on the straight and narrow" so do not relinquish it lest you veer off again.
 
#31 ·
Provided that this woman is still very good friends with your W, then I'd greatly consider leaving it alone! But not withstanding, I would still get with your pastor or with an IC for immediate counsel.

But if however, this woman is no longer friends with your W, then I'd judge accordingly, still applying prayer and counsel before reaching a decision.

In any event, pray to God asking for His forgiveness! If your conscience then dictates that you tell her, then do so!

The only possible retribution that you now entertain is the outside chance that your W ultimately comes to learn about this episode from her, or God only know's, from the scurilous "hearsay" of some conniving third party!
 
#32 · (Edited)
Provided that this woman is still very good friends with your W, then I'd greatly consider leaving it alone!
I would actually say the opposite. How offensive to think this woman is still around his wife (and him) after what happened. Do they think it's cute that they share a secret around her? If the "friend" is involved in their lives in any way shape or form, then she must be cut off...which will most likely mean the truth comes out.

But seriously, how many on TAM think it's ok to just not tell and still allow this woman to come around?
 
#33 ·
If the wife ever finds out, she will see the entire relationship as a lie from the day of the BJ. So, at this point she will see 15 years as a lie. But if she doesn't find out for another 10 years she will see 25 years as a lie.

Because every single day is an opportunity to tell the truth, every day which goes by without telling her the truth is an intentional deception.

Not telling her means inflicting even more pain on her when she does find out the truth. So keeping the secret is not harmless, it is choosing to make the eventual pain even greater.

The only way there is zero chance of the wife ever finding out is if the OW is dead and never told anyone else. There is no way to know who else she told, and presumably she is still alive. Which means there remains some significant chance the wife will eventually find out.
 
#34 ·
Randomcheater, its pretty simple. If you respect your wife you'll come clean, although you should have come clean years ago to give her the courtesy of letting her decide if she wanted to continue with you. Basically you robbed her of a decision that should have been hers and 15 years later, if she finds out, she'll feel robbed of life.

Same thing happened to me. I found out years later, as well as the ongoing cheating, and I was robbed of several years of my life I'll never get back.

So if you respect her, you'll tell her. If you don't, you'll keep your mouth shut. So if you take the advice to keep quiet, then sorry to say you don't respect her. While you might think the decision to deny her the truth is the right one because so much time has passed and you think you are a changed man, the fact remains...you disrespected her and continue to do so by keeping her in the dark about what you did.

Others are saying no good will come of it and advising you to keep quiet. I disagree. God help your wife if you are ever on a business trip and some woman comes on to you and wants to go back to your room.
 
#35 ·
Randomcheater, its pretty simple. If you respect your wife you'll come clean, although you should have come clean years ago to give her the courtesy of letting her decide if she wanted to continue with you. Basically you robbed her of a decision that should have been hers and 15 years later, if she finds out, she'll feel robbed of life.

Same thing happened to me. I found out years later, as well as the ongoing cheating, and I was robbed of several years of my life I'll never get back.

So if you respect her, you'll tell her. If you don't, you'll keep your mouth shut. So if you take the advice to keep quiet, then sorry to say you don't respect her. While you might think the decision to deny her the truth is the right one because so much time has passed and you think you are a changed man, the fact remains...you disrespected her and continue to do so by keeping her in the dark about what you did.

Others are saying no good will come of it and advising you to keep quiet. I disagree. God help your wife if you are ever on a business trip and some woman comes on to you and wants to go back to your room.
Oh, but nothing would ever happen.....he feels guilty, and wouldn't cheat.

I agree with you, he effectively stole 15 years of her life. And people here are urging him to continue doing it.
 
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