What is the obsession with the sex part? This has never been about sex. It's always been about emotional needs.
Not to toot my own horn - I am just trying to clarify - I satisfy my wife in bed. She is not wondering what sex is like with others. She's had other lovers before me. I am not without major skills in this area. She has said, even recently, that nobody can find out how I perform in bed, or I would get constant offers. AGain, not something I originally wanted to bring to the discussion, but you guys keep going there. This is an emotional issue. Some of you understand but others keep going to the sex part. Take that out of the equation.
She has confided in a couple of friends, and they asked her "not once did you and the OM even mess around? Nothing?" And she told them, "Nope. Not even once." And her friends were shocked. As I'm sure are most of you. Maybe I made a mistake coming to this board. I almost always feel worse afterward. Maybe I'm masochistic.
Gabriel: the mistake you are making is you are not unique and you want to believe your wife, so does every betrayed spouse on every board. Alas most find out to late, many will not listen. Your case is not unique, what your wife is saying is not unique , she is following the script , you say you want to save your marriage then stop finding reasons to downgrade her infidelity.People are here to help and most speak from experience either due to an affair or they activly support folk in protecting their marriages.
The party is your choice, I recommend you cancel, your wifes friends are there for her not you. Do not let her meet this man ever again, this is a zero option. She can be mad at you, this is your boundary if she is serious about your marriage she should respect it. Posted via Mobile Device
What is the obsession with the sex part? This has never been about sex. It's always been about emotional needs.
Not to toot my own horn - I am just trying to clarify - I satisfy my wife in bed. She is not wondering what sex is like with others. She's had other lovers before me. I am not without major skills in this area. She has said, even recently, that nobody can find out how I perform in bed, or I would get constant offers. AGain, not something I originally wanted to bring to the discussion, but you guys keep going there. This is an emotional issue. Some of you understand but others keep going to the sex part. Take that out of the equation.
She has confided in a couple of friends, and they asked her "not once did you and the OM even mess around? Nothing?" And she told them, "Nope. Not even once." And her friends were shocked. As I'm sure are most of you. Maybe I made a mistake coming to this board. I almost always feel worse afterward. Maybe I'm masochistic.
Gabriel -
Listen, you feel bad after coming to this board because we're NOT telling you what you WANT to hear. You know why? Because we want to help you save your marriage. You keep trying to look for reasons why her EA is your fault and that she didn't have a PA so it's not as bad.
I'm going to tell you something that's going to hurt and you probably won't believe because you're in denial. Almost ALL EA's eventually turn into PA's. This other guy was fullfilling your wife's needs emotionally and the sex almost always comes with it whether that's what she was initially looking for or not. Your wife feels extremely connected to this man and you KNOW that your wife would have eventually had sex with him. I know you know this!
You can blame yourself all you want and try to find reasons to downgrade her EA, why you have to trust her, why she's different, but it all boils down to this...
Your wife, Gabriel, stepped out of your court and into another man's. You're blaming yourself and by doing so, you're turning yourself into your wife's doormat. Please, be a man about this. Take Anthony's advice and either confront this POSOM, or give your wife a reality check that she'll never forget (180.)
If you don't squash this now, I bet you'll be here months from now asking for advice on your wife's PA instead of EA. Nip this NOW or be sorry.
You think your wife is different. Lol, mine was too, except now she's tainted, and I WISH I could have caught her at the stage you caught yours.
You feel bad after reading our posts? Well, the truth hurts doesn't it...
I don't post a massive amount on these forums, I occasionally post an update to my saga and when I see a thread I feel I can contribute to I will offer a little of my advice.
I am posting now because I see your position as being so similar to mine and more importantly your attitude is so similar to how mine was. That isn't a criticism, it is a natural reaction and like you I ignored so many posts of advice - choosing instead to believe my wife time after time.
After all, your wife is somebody who you should trust over everyone right? You are best friends right? You have lived together for years and been so much together right? .... okay in her hours of need she made a mistake but she has apologised and is now telling you the truth. She is your wife and she has now told you everything and agreed to no more contact.
I wish it was as simple as that. I thought my wife was the best type of person, loyal... honest.. decent and I, like you, had my wife sit down and tell me everything.... only it took at least five of these "honesty" sessions and 4 or 5 months to actually get the truth. I realise you want to think your wife is different from all the other disloyal wives, I did too, I was on these boards 7 or 8 months ago, like you, telling everyone they were wrong. My wife wouldn't do that... she has looked me in the eye and told me that.. bla bla bla..
There is one key element though, when any wife or husband gets caught in an affair like this and the "fog" decends on them they no longer act or think like the loyal and trustworthy person they once were. At this moment in time your wife is not your wife as you know her.. after all if she was then you would not be on this forum!!?? You are defending against/denying her PA, that's what I did and I'm not going to try and persuade you there has been any sex because each case is different. What I will say is you don't know for sure there hasn't been some type of physical intimacy - sex or not. Secondly and more importantly it doesn't matter in terms of stopping the affair. An EA is worse in this sense than a PA. An EA is gripping and addictive, she is caught in a battle of her heart and her mind and 99% of the time, if no barriers are put up, the heart will win this battle.
She will promise no more contact...sure. But after a few days and weeks pass, if something has got her down, and she knows you will not find out the pull of sending the OM (whom she is in love with - make no mistake about that) a message via some medium will be too great. That "hit" of receiving a message from the person who she is in love with and whom is in love with her will be too much. I guarantee it.
I let my wife have the "goodbye" meeting with OM as I made so many wrong moves in fear of loosing her. Boy how I regret that. I know you think you are doing the right thing but I beg you to put your foot down here. Respect yourself and make her respect your boundaries by not letting this meeting happen. What is going to be said at this meeting that can't be said on the phone?? You are crazy if you let this happen and I speak from experience in an almost identical situation.
I know its hard to doubt your wife and it's so easy to believe what you want to believe and believe what makes things less painful. Please do the hard things now to stop months of more painful events ahead.
My wife and I are currently separated. We still speak and we still have my son that we share time with. She tries to explain to me how sorry she is and she says it now seems like a horrible dark dream that she is waking from. She can't understand what she did or why? I feel the same in some respects, I have woken and I can't believe now what I chose to allow and what boundaries I chose not to enforce and why I believed her so many times.
The reasons are that the situation is so emotionally charged that both parties can't always see and process the logical way to act. I'm not suggesting any aggressive or cave-man type actions but logical ones that in a years time you can look back on and have your self-respect intact. Don't under estimate how important that is to you.
I don't post a massive amount on these forums, I occasionally post an update to my saga and when I see a thread I feel I can contribute to I will offer a little of my advice.
I am posting now because I see your position as being so similar to mine and more importantly your attitude is so similar to how mine was. That isn't a criticism, it is a natural reaction and like you I ignored so many posts of advice - choosing instead to believe my wife time after time.
After all, your wife is somebody who you should trust over everyone right? You are best friends right? You have lived together for years and been so much together right? .... okay in her hours of need she made a mistake but she has apologised and is now telling you the truth. She is your wife and she has now told you everything and agreed to no more contact.
I wish it was as simple as that. I thought my wife was the best type of person, loyal... honest.. decent and I, like you, had my wife sit down and tell me everything.... only it took at least five of these "honesty" sessions and 4 or 5 months to actually get the truth. I realise you want to think your wife is different from all the other disloyal wives, I did too, I was on these boards 7 or 8 months ago, like you, telling everyone they were wrong. My wife wouldn't do that... she has looked me in the eye and told me that.. bla bla bla..
There is one key element though, when any wife or husband gets caught in an affair like this and the "fog" decends on them they no longer act or think like the loyal and trustworthy person they once were. At this moment in time your wife is not your wife as you know her.. after all if she was then you would not be on this forum!!?? You are defending against/denying her PA, that's what I did and I'm not going to try and persuade you there has been any sex because each case is different. What I will say is you don't know for sure there hasn't been some type of physical intimacy - sex or not. Secondly and more importantly it doesn't matter in terms of stopping the affair. An EA is worse in this sense than a PA. An EA is gripping and addictive, she is caught in a battle of her heart and her mind and 99% of the time, if no barriers are put up, the heart will win this battle.
She will promise no more contact...sure. But after a few days and weeks pass, if something has got her down, and she knows you will not find out the pull of sending the OM (whom she is in love with - make no mistake about that) a message via some medium will be too great. That "hit" of receiving a message from the person who she is in love with and whom is in love with her will be too much. I guarantee it.
I let my wife have the "goodbye" meeting with OM as I made so many wrong moves in fear of loosing her. Boy how I regret that. I know you think you are doing the right thing but I beg you to put your foot down here. Respect yourself and make her respect your boundaries by not letting this meeting happen. What is going to be said at this meeting that can't be said on the phone?? You are crazy if you let this happen and I speak from experience in an almost identical situation.
I know its hard to doubt your wife and it's so easy to believe what you want to believe and believe what makes things less painful. Please do the hard things now to stop months of more painful events ahead.
My wife and I are currently separated. We still speak and we still have my son that we share time with. She tries to explain to me how sorry she is and she says it now seems like a horrible dark dream that she is waking from. She can't understand what she did or why? I feel the same in some respects, I have woken and I can't believe now what I chose to allow and what boundaries I chose not to enforce and why I believed her so many times.
The reasons are that the situation is so emotionally charged that both parties can't always see and process the logical way to act. I'm not suggesting any aggressive or cave-man type actions but logical ones that in a years time you can look back on and have your self-respect intact. Don't under estimate how important that is to you.
Gabriel -
Please listen to this poster. I promise you, we've all experienced this in one way or another. Do you see how long our posts are? We care. We've all been around the block a few times as betrayed or disloyal spouses.
I know you think your wife is different. My friends were absolutely SHOCKED after telling them my story. They never would have guessed, neither would I. Since catching my wife of 9 years in that hotel room, she's said things I would have never imagined. It's like she was possesed by a demon. She actually told me to stick my support and money up my ass and could care less about our marriage.
Does that sound like a line from a wonderful wife and mother? Of course not, because that person is not my wife or our son's mother. That person, my wife, is in the fog and doesn't see clearly.
You've recognized your past faults and that's great, but that's NOT enough to get your wife back. You can't give her a free pass on this. She has to understand that your past faults were NO REASON to cheat on you emotionally. She should have separated or divorced, that simple.
Gabriel,
Ironically, my wife approached me this morning. She said she wanted to "talk".
I decided to be a listener, and absorb everything she had to say.
Here's what she had to say:
She wanted to apologize for everything she put me through. She didn't know what she was getting herself into, when she was talking to her "friend". She explained that she enjoyed laughing with him, and never realized that it was becoming as addictive as pornography can be to some men.
She THANKED me for being a hard ass, and getting rid of him. She only wished, she could have done it her way. ( mixed opinions about this one) she doesn't condone violence.
She told me how wrong she was for doing this. She admitted that she loves me, and doesnt want to LOSE her family. ( key statement here, and a result of my 180). She brought to my attention, the things in our marriage that she felt I should work on. I agreed, and told her I would make a conscience effort to take control of those issues. She admitted the things that she could also improve upon, and I also agreed.
I could go on and on......
Here's the key:
Her turn around came as a result of me staying strong. She said that I scared her, when I showed her the door.
She said she wondered why I stopped crying and begging
She started to think that she lost me, as a result of HER actions.
You need to get your wife in this mode.
She did something terribly wrong to you. You need not forgive her just yet. Only forgive her after she admits her guilt, and is willing to work on issue.
Today, I forgave my wife. I will show my appreciation, by being a great husband, and stop talking about it.
I do believe she had an epiphany.
Stay strong, my friend. Quietly let your wife know that she did wrong.
Let her know that this behavior will show her the door.
Don't be afraid to have a "man to man" with this guy, and let him know that he's lucky you didn't lose it.
Tell him to back off. Stand up as a man. Your wife will initially hate you for doing this, but it will also set a boundary in her head, and show her that you meant business. Posted via Mobile Device
Congratulations, Anthony. That's an awesome "step" towards reconciliation. I really hope it works out for you both! 180 strikes again. Working for me too
Gabriel, I too am far from lacking in the bedroom. Just stating a fact that stuplified me when my husband went looking for sex. He tryed to lure them in by saying "I haven't had sex in 10 yrs."
It's not the "sex" that they want. It's the thrill. I feel in your case, your wife actually was wondering "what if". That's all. He was her friend before you, and will always be a threat to you. She has to step up and be rid of him with no contact, and make the choice herself. Give her an ultimatum. State what you want, what you expect, set a time frame, then back away. Once she sees that you are strong in conviction, she must come to you and tell you what she will do to make it right. If not, then you might as well be talking to a brick wall.
If you truly believe there would have never been sex, Ok then you know her the best. But she was still confiding in him what she should have been telling you in order to fix her marriage. If not him it eventually would have been another or divorce court. She was not happy with the marriage.
meeting emotional needs for women stirs sexual desire . weather they stay there not that was a component of this relationship. It has absolutely nothing to do with your skill in bed . however to some degree I agree with you that being here and becoming obsessive about the situation will likely do more damage to your relationship to prevent reconciliation . I'm seeing a lot more divorces due to emotional affairs on thlis board than might otherwise happen if you didn't have a group of people egging you on to dig deeper and deeper.
I know they mean well I think you be better off with professional marriage counselor 1 that is pro marriage . Posted via Mobile Device
Maybe I made a mistake coming to this board. I almost always feel worse afterward. Maybe I'm masochistic.
Quote:
Originally Posted by The 13th_Floor
Gabriel -
Listen, you feel bad after coming to this board because we're NOT telling you what you WANT to hear.
You feel bad after reading our posts? Well, the truth hurts doesn't it...
Yep, this. Gabriel, we are trying to help you. This kind of reminds me of someone's thread in the Gen. Relationship area... "Why post?" LOL.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Anthony8858
She THANKED me for being a hard ass, and getting rid of him. She only wished, she could have done it her way. ( mixed opinions about this one) she doesn't condone violence.
She told me how wrong she was for doing this. She admitted that she loves me, and doesnt want to LOSE her family. ( key statement here, and a result of my 180). She brought to my attention, the things in our marriage that she felt I should work on. I agreed, and told her I would make a conscience effort to take control of those issues. She admitted the things that she could also improve upon, and I also agreed.
I could go on and on......
Here's the key:
Her turn around came as a result of me staying strong. She said that I scared her, when I showed her the door.
She said she wondered why I stopped crying and begging
She started to think that she lost me, as a result of HER actions
Said it before and I'll say it again, THIS IS THE ONLY THING I have ever seen that works if there is ANY chance of reconciliation.
The doormat approach will get you nowhere fast!
Gabriel, do NOT underestimate the power of an EA. As a woman, and this is just my personal opinion, I think an emotional affair is FAR worse than a physical affair for a woman. Why? Because when women have an emotional bond with someone it is MUCH harder to break than say just some no-strings-attached-sex (NSA). So if someone simply has NSA sex with someone, a woman may over time develop feelings for that person but just imagine, as a woman, if she already HAS feelings for someone and then it leads to sex... that is hard to get over.
So my advice is DO NOT LET HER MEET HIM. She needs to cut it off cold turkey.
As for your birthday party. Gabriel, you are turning 40. That is a milestone. Get your party on!
She said she wanted to say goodbye to him given their 20 years of friendship. I am allowing this, but told her it had to be at a nearby restaurant and not by where he lives (again, not that it's gotten physical, but last hurrahs are scary). They haven't done this yet.
No, do not allow this BS.
She writes him a no contact e-mail, you read it and have her make any changes you want.
She sends it.
Your done.
Where is the sense in allowing her private contact with this guy?
I don`t care how long they were "friends" she blew it when she started the EA.
This is a sentiment I've been meaning to express for a while, as well.
You say "EA 'only'" in your thread title, as if it's on par with, say, she accidentally threw out your favorite shirt. She did more than that. She gave the emotional connection that would/should be yours as her partner in life to someone else. She was more emotionally invested in her relationship with him - as harmless as she MAY have thought it was - than she was in you.
Trust me, my friend...I've been there. I've heard - and bought - the "he's just a friend," "I can talk to him about things that I can't talk to you about because they might be ABOUT you," "I can get a man's perspective on things" nonsense and more. I felt the sting of betrayal every time she "promised" she wouldn't contact him any longer, then months later, there were the texts between them again. And, in the long run, it hurt more than her PA did.
Now, for better or for worse, I've probably given her more chances than I should have. Heck...I've given her more chances than I thought I'd ever be able to. And, she's on her last one...and knows it. It's made her re-examine her past, her relationships with men (she's always had more male friends than female, even going back to high school), how she interacts with them and - most importantly - what the root cause might be.
No one is trying to dog pile on you...no one is trying to make you think it may be a mistake for you to have come here. We're simply speaking from experience. That experience is of having heard the same basic responses from our own disloyal spouses, so we can make educated guesses about what else is going on based on those experiences.
Please don't be sorry that you came here. I believe that may be a natural response as well. I have felt the same thing. At times, I felt as I was being attacked.
Looking back, everything that was said that made me defensive was dead on. I have been through unbelievable pain the past few months. I lost 25 pounds in 1 month due to a total loss of appetite. That is a fairly common reaction that several here have mentioned.
This forum is pro marriage for the most part. Read up on the 180. That has worked for several. I have not been very good at keeping my 180, but when I do, it works.
Marriage is a sacred institution. You and your wife are tied together for life. Even if you just look at the natural ties, those kids will always have you as their father and her as their mother. That is what has given me the deep desire to work things out with my wife. That is why I have tried so very hard to believe everything she tells me. That is why I have tried so hard to ignore the feeling in my gut that the affair wasn't over. I was in denial for way too long. I suppose that is a coping mechanism that is fairly common. You (and I) don't want accept how horribly deep an EA is. Some have described the pain as the most horrible life has to offer. I can only think of one that would be worse, losing a child.
No one here is trying to make you feel bad. Personally, I hurt for you. I hurt for your children. I currently have tears in my eyes thinking about your situation and your denial. I wish I could go back to where you are and do things differently. I wish I would have listened to the very sound advice I was given early on. I wish I hadn't thought, "My wife isn't like that."
Please listen and try not to be defensive. I hope you are right. I doubt that you are.
Okay all, the last few posts were great, and I am so grateful for all the support. Anthony, way to go, I am so happy for you.
I wanted to give you all an update.
We had a rough night last night talking about everything. In the morning, with the kids going to school, I decided to take a stand. I told her I did not want her to have the meeting with him. I told her about the advice I had been getting and that it was unanimous and solidified my already there fears.
Long story short I compromised, and said a phone call would be okay, but that it needed to be soon. I left for work. About an hour later she texted me "I made the call. It is over."
I then emailed the OM and was firm. I called him out on his role in the issue, admitted mine. Told him never to contact her again, in any way. I was gentle, but very firm.
My wife is a wreck today and said it feels like a death. Time will tell if she will get over it, but I feel this is a big step in the right direction.
And I am having the party. Time to try to enjoy things a bit more.
Gabriel, I do need to flag that waywards normally renew contact, I suggest you get a VAR and a keylogger, while you may think this is not required, it is. She is not going to break this off, it has to be bled from her system and the OM trust him not, he will want to contact her. How do we know this, waywards follow a script, female waywards are prone to this it ls those love you endorphins they released and it will pull her . Be very vigilant , it will work out however I suspect you have one more round to go before recovery can occur. Do not ever let your wife have a call on her own to the OM again, that was a big mistake. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Wife had EA only, but I'm having trouble 
