Your wife is at the same point my wife was at when I ended her EA.
Get ready, she's probably going to retaliate by telling you she's empty inside, and wants her space.
She may go into a depression, even suggest a brief separation.
Warning!
The more you pursue her here, the more she'll run!
Tell her you were backed into a corner, and you did what you had to do.
Let it be known that EA are not tolerated, but don't come off as her boss.
Don't pound your chest in victory.
Play a 180. Right now, she probably hates you. Stay away, and let her sort her feelings.
Tell her, she can talk to you when she's ready.
**** this was MY experience. Yours may differ. Let's see what others have to say, before making your next move.
One note.... I don't like how she calculated her conversation to take place AFTER you left.
Keep you eyes open. I have a feeling, this ain't over just yet. Posted via Mobile Device
I believe she called it off. She's experiencing a lot of pain which happens when cutting a strong emotional bond. This certainly doesn't mean they're out of the woods. She's likely to slip up because their bond was so strong.
Good moves. The big thing I wish you'd done differently, though, was insisting that the phone call be in your presence. Without that, for all you know, the conversation could have been the, "we can speak ever again." conversation she said it was...or could just as easily have been, "He's on to us. We need to lay low for a while and find a means of communicating that he can't monitor."
Taking the EA further underground is, unfortunately, a natural reaction on the part of the cheating spouse. I can attest to that, as can Hurting and any number of other posters around here.
And, yes...assuming she did end it, it's natural and expected (but no less frustrating) that it "feels like a death" to her. She's mourning the death of her "perfect romance" with the "perfect man" who knows her and understands her in ways no other man - especially her husband - ever possibly could. And you are the evil control freak who made her do it. Never mind that it was only "perfect" because they only had to give one another their best...they didn't have to manage the day to day ups and downs of managing a life together.
Stay vigilant. Stay strong. Posted via Mobile Device
Yes, totally agree with what Eli-Zor is saying. From the vast majority of stories that I've read, the first few months after NC has been established are crucial. Either she or the OM will attempt to fish and renew contact during this period. And since your wife has invested more than a decade in a relationship with this OM, it is a very real possibility. Install the keylogger and get the VAR and install it in her vehicle, usually under the drivers seat. Experience shows that the place that they feel most secure talking to the OP is usually in their vehicle because its their most secure space- if she has a job.
I've seen time and time again, that many times, the wayward spouse will tell their OP that their husband or wife "made" them send the NC lettter/phone call and they simply take it further underground. Just be aware of this.
good moves. The big thing i wish you'd done differently, though, was insisting that the phone call be in your presence. Without that, for all you know, the conversation could have been the, "we can speak ever again." conversation she said it was...or could just as easily have been, "he's on to us. We need to lay low for a while and find a means of communicating that he can't monitor."
I've seen time and time again, that many times, the wayward spouse will tell their OP that their husband or wife "made" them send the NC lettter/phone call and they simply take it further underground. Just be aware of this.
Yes, my W has had about 4 or 5 "It's over" talks with him. It's been so crazy I've lost count. I also erred in not enforcing it be done in front of me. Now, I don't know what the actual conversation was.
This last time I caught the contact was on a VAR. Radio shack has a small digital one that holds hours of conversation. You can also download it onto your computer.
I was told early on that a keylogger is a great idea. If the affair is continued, you will catch it early. If the affair is over, you will have that extra confirmation that she is telling the truth. I was actually hoping this last time to find nothing. If you find nothing, that is awesome. I believe having these things in place will help you to overcome the trust issue if they show nothing.
I take it 180 means to back off and turn off affection, etc. I believe that is a good idea right this second, anyway. I asked if she wanted to talk about the call with him. She said no, and is CLEARLY having a terrible time of it. I will let her come to me when she is ready and not push it. that is the natural reaction I am having also not even considering the comments. Granted, I haven't physically seen her since the last call. I am still at work.
Her having the call not in my presence doesn't bother me. Frankly, I didn't want to be there. I demanded that method five minutes before leaving for work, and she just wanted to get it over with. And so did I. There was no time to do it before I had to leave and catch my train. It was almost right as I was walking out the door.
Here's the thing. If they break their promise and reconnect again, then our marriage is over. I am at peace with this. If it happens, I cannot stop it. I hope this doesn't happen. But if it does, then that's what's meant to be. I've made my demands.
My email to the OM was very clear. He actually responded and while it was clear he hadn't let go yet, he was more concerned with breaking up our family unit than he was of losing is friend/EA. I told him that his complete and total absence was 100% vital to the survival of our family unit. I dont know how I can be more clear or more appeal to his supposed concerns.
Now we see how it goes. I'm doing the right thing here. And that's all I can do.
Her having the call not in my presence doesn't bother me. Frankly, I didn't want to be there. I demanded that method five minutes before leaving for work, and she just wanted to get it over with. And so did I. There was no time to do it before I had to leave and catch my train. It was almost right as I was walking out the door.
The thing of it is...for what needed to be said, five minutes is more than enough time. "Our relationship was inappropriate and detrimental to my marriage. I am committed to my husband, so there must be no further contact of any kind between us. This decision is not subject to change." *click* end of discussion. Anything more is simply her/them prolonging the relationship and fostering a sense that the star-crossed lovers are being torn asunder by her controlling beast of a husband.
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Here's the thing. If they break their promise and reconnect again, then our marriage is over. I am at peace with this. If it happens, I cannot stop it. I hope this doesn't happen. But if it does, then that's what's meant to be. I've made my demands.
And that's fair enough. By her having the conversation in front of you, you hear confirmation that both of them are on the same page with you and understand the consequences of any future contact. Without knowing the content of the conversation, as I said before, it could very well have been a discussion of how to move their EA underground where they think you won't be able to find it.
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My email to the OM was very clear. He actually responded and while it was clear he hadn't let go yet, he was more concerned with breaking up our family unit than he was of losing is friend/EA. I told him that his complete and total absence was 100% vital to the survival of our family unit. I dont know how I can be more clear or more appeal to his supposed concerns.
Let's make one thing clear: his concerns are NOT about "the survival of your family unit." They're not even close. In fact, it would be better for him if your family unit crumbles, removing you as an obstacle between him, your wife and their "eternal happiness." He may talk a good game about no wanting to break up your family. He's working on your sympathies, painting himself as less of a threat than he is. My wife claimed that her EA partner had changed and respected our marriage. I called BS on that...if he truly respected our marriage, he wouldn't have been part of an EA with my wife, and he would have disappeared from our lives forever when it was first requested of him.
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Now we see how it goes. I'm doing the right thing here. And that's all I can do.
True enough...we can all only do our best. Please, though...avail yourself of the knowledge that many of us have gained only through 20/20 hindsight. Forewarned is forearmed. And knowing what to expect (and how others have handled it - successfully and unsuccessfully) can be a great help to you. Posted via Mobile Device
Good luck Gabriel, I wish all the success possible, but do suggest a a VAR and keylogger. Your wife is vulnerable and you need to be able to respond quickly if recontact occurs. Anything else, is enabling her EA.
I don't think I could bring myself to do a VAR, but in case I change my mind, what is that exactly, and where do you get one, and how does it work?
There are two places she would talk to him, if she decides to break the promise. One is sitting in bed. The other is in the car. The bed is more likely because she works only 5 mins away from the house.
Last night was rough. She is in the anger/depression stage. Is very mad I didn't let them meet face to face to say goodbye. One reason for this is that I originally allowed it, and then changed my mind based on everything said here. Then she says, "Well, it doesn't matter anyway. I'm never talking to him again anyway." She is also in denial she had an affair because it never turned PA. She feels she should get credit for never getting physical with him. I reacted pretty strongly to this.
I think I alluded to this earlier, but she was molested by her father when she was 14. This has made her be as needy as she is. It's a very complicated situation. She feels it has ruined her life, made her too needy for reassurance. I knew this when I married her - and I do take some responsibilty because I should have given her that extra care all this time. I didn't think it would bite us in this fashion.
She demanded to see the OM's response to my goodbye email to him, and also my rebuttal. She wanted to see the exchange. I asked why. She said, "I want to see the exchange. I'm already never going to talk to him again, now you're not even going to let me see this?" So I opened my computer and let her read it. I had nothing to hide. I told her I wanted to be done talking about the OM and move on. My fear is that by them not meeting, she will never feel any closure, and will never move on. But now that I demanded that, I can't go back.
Part of that problem was their geography - it was going to take them awhile to be able to meet. I told her that was my major problem - it couldn't keep dragging on. She said, "I would have understood if you said, 'fine, you can meet', but however you do it, it needs to be done within a week, even if that means it has to be a phone call or a 10 minute meeting'"
And in hindsight, that might have been a better solution, but I can't go back now.
Unlike most women, my wife doesn't like when men piss on fire hydrants. Some of my exchange was me pissing on mine to protect my marriage. If I were the wife, I would like it that my husband did that. She just thinks I'm posturing.
So far, she is following the patterns described. She is adamant that she will abide by my rules of not contacting the OM. Thinks I am dumb for listening to strangers instead of believing her. She needs to get through the stage of depression/anger. Not sure how long that will take. It's only been 1 day.
Question, given everything you've heard here, out of 10 couples in this situation, how many do you think survive? Consider the 15 year marriage, 3 kids, etc, etc. I'm thinking 2 or 3 maybe.
Gabriel, I do need to flag that waywards normally renew contact, I suggest you get a VAR and a keylogger, while you may think this is not required, it is. She is not going to break this off, it has to be bled from her system and the OM trust him not, he will want to contact her. How do we know this, waywards follow a script, female waywards are prone to this it ls those love you endorphins they released and it will pull her . Be very vigilant , it will work out however I suspect you have one more round to go before recovery can occur. Do not ever let your wife have a call on her own to the OM again, that was a big mistake. Posted via Mobile Device
Gabriel,
It's posts like Eli's that pissed me off in the past because my wife would take a step towards recovery, but posters would still be calling her bluff. Turns out, they were all right. Don't let the same happen to you. If she sais it's over, PERFECT, but you shouldn't be worried about snooping until YOU are sure it's over. Listen to Eli-zor...
The VAR can be bought online or there are some at Walmart. Buy two and hide them well , test the reception, as a whole they work very well. Here is a two by four , what are you doing, you showed your wife the email why, she has committed ADULTERY this is no time to be nice ,for negotiation and showing her anything that you are saying or doing. You have no idea what they said nor have you an inkling what will happen next, we however have a very good idea from hard experience of the many posters here and on another site.
Assume your wife is going to contact him again and prepare for it.
She is going to be angry and in withdrawal for some time, like months. Hunker down for the long run.
Pay close attention to her body language and deeds if she suddenly changes and becomes more accommodating she has made contact.
Do not go for marriage counceling , not until the affair is dead and buried.
Run what's called Plan A
Buy two books "his need her needs" and " surviving and affair " by Harley
Do not think you can follow your plan , it won't work. The books will guide you and we will support you , many marriages have been saved keeping to the MB plan. Many have been lost when betrayed spouses ignore the advice. We are here to help save your marriage.
Do not be a doormat, your wife cheated , you cannot and must not trust her, trust is earned over time and with your wife denying the affair this could take a very long time Posted via Mobile Device
As for her comment about you being dumb for listening to strangers remind her she did not consider you or your marriage when she chose to commit adultery. Do a google search for "emotional affair" they are devastating especially as women fall in love with the OM.
Hold the line , smile and carry on with life. It will be tense in the house for some time until she starts showing remorse. Spend the next few days reading the books I recommended and leave them where she can see them, if she asks be honest mention there must have been a missing for her to cheat and you are working to make the marriage a better one where both of you meet each others needs. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Wife had EA only, but I'm having trouble 
