I think I alluded to this earlier, but she was molested by her father when she was 14. This has made her be as needy as she is. It's a very complicated situation. She feels it has ruined her life, made her too needy for reassurance. I knew this when I married her - and I do take some responsibilty because I should have given her that extra care all this time. I didn't think it would bite us in this fashion.
It's horrible that this happened to her, and may help understand some of the underlying mindset that led her to see nothing wrong with investing emotionally with another man, but make no mistake: it doesnt EXCUSE her behavior. She still made a choice to emotionally give herself to someone else.
And, I'm not just spewing rhetoric here. My wife's parents essentially abandoned her, sending her to live with her grandmother when she was 4 and they divorced. So, she's got abandonment issues. Both of her parents are alcoholics, so she's prone to addiction; while she goes to great lengths to avoid alcoholism, her addictive personality has seemed to manifest on an addiction to sexual/romantic attention. Her parents divorced because of her mother's serial cheating, so she has that as a behavior example growing up. And, as a freshman in HS, she was repeatedly date-raped by her boyfriend, giving her quite a few issues regarding sex and the power it wields. None of that, however, changes the fact that SHE chose to carry on an extended EA with someone who saw himself as the chief rival for her affections when we first started dating. SHE is the one who chose to have sex with someone she'd known for 3 weeks, after telling a close friend she wasn't going to because she didn't want to cheat on me. Like you, I own my contributions to any distance that had grown between us, but SHE is the one who decided to go outside our marriage, emotionally and physically.
She demanded to see the OM's response to my goodbye email to him, and also my rebuttal. She wanted to see the exchange. I asked why. She said, "I want to see the exchange. I'm already never going to talk to him again, now you're not even going to let me see this?" So I opened my computer and let her read it. I had nothing to hide. I told her I wanted to be done talking about the OM and move on. My fear is that by them not meeting, she will never feel any closure, and will never move on. But now that I demanded that, I can't go back.
She wanted her "fix" of the OM...she wanted to see how he fought for her...how he fought for their relationship. When my wife sent what will be - one way or another - her final NC email to her EA partner, he emailed her back, ignoring it. She told me. I emailed home (and blind copied her) firmly telling him that he needed to go away and stop disrespecting our marriage. He replied (copying her...we figure he decided that I sent the NC through her email and she was unaware of what was transpiring), and tried to bait me into a heated response to him. I *almost* took the bait, but thought better of it. I just responded to his comment that if I saw him as a threat, he didn't know what to say, and simply told him: "You only need to know how to say one thing: goodbye. Forever." We then blocked him from all email and chat access.
On short, pardon my bluntness, but...screw "closure." All the "closure" that she will get is, "We can't communicate anymore. Goodbye." No "I'll miss you. You've always been there for me." Allowing such "closure" sends the message that you agree to the relationship's importance. Posted via Mobile Device