#2 to me, would be the worst. You gave the OM/OW your heart, and it got so intense you decided to give up your body too. If a #2 happened, I dont' think I could ever recover. And wouldn't expect someone to recover if I had done it.
To me, an EA is only the prelude to the PA. The PA is just the icing on the cake. So no, she gets no brownie points for just being an EA. They have to get their fix, and pretty soon, texting, chatting, emailing, talking on the phone won't be enough and they will find a way to make the PA happen and consumate their relationship/affair. Meeting to get closure is just another way to get the fix, OR as others have said, just a meeting to find out how to take it further underground. Cold turkey is best in this situation.
Location: Temporary Resident of Earth Lord Only Knows Where Next
Re: Wife had EA only, but I'm having trouble
Originally Posted by Grayson
I just like the notion of the NC notification being immediate and with the LS present (if it's written, reviewing the email/letter and being the one to send), so that if/when NC is broken, there's no wiggle room for the DS, as both spouses know exactly what was said, and the consequences are whatever they are. Posted via Mobile Device
Point taken, hadn't considered that. I still wouldn't have done it in our case. The line in the sand was crystal clear. In Gabriel's case, he's right, what's done is done. Back-peddling will only send mixed signals.
Indeed. And with "only" an EA, if the DS doesn't see anything wrong with their relationship...doesn't see it as an affair, they are far more likely to fall back into the EA. They don't (or or refuse to) understand that even normal, innocuous conversation rekindles the inappropriate emotional intimacy that they share(d). What starts as a one-time "happy birthday" gets a reply. Which grows to an occasional, "Just thought I'd say hi and see how you're doing." becomes more frequent conversation, and before you know it, they're right back in the thick of their EA, but probably further underground. Posted via Mobile Device
Grayson, this comment really sounds like what could happen. Hence the complete cut off. You put that very eloquently and clearly.
Now I have to do the Plan A, partial 180, and see if they ever rekindle. The hard part is waiting to see if that will happen. That part is going to kill me.
I just bought His Needs Her Needs and will read it openly in her presence.
It really is like a drug. And when you're addicted to a drug, you don't get closure by taking one more massive hit from the pipe. That hit just makes you want it more.
She said she would stop all contact. So did he. She is mourning. I have to let her mourn like the pattern says. I don't want to keep talking about the OM, their relationship, etc. Need to focus on she and I, our marriage.
I don't want to know any more about the past, what was said between them, like Amplexor. Why drudge it up? It's all about what happens from here. His marriage got stronger as a result. I'm hoping ours follows his pattern. We'll see if she's strong enough to not cave in to her addiction to him.
In most cases, I wholeheartedly agree, Jellybeans. I believe there are some, however, who are so deep in denial and/or the "fog" that they believe their own "we're just friends" line of nonsense, and so don't see anything inappropriate about the relationship (it's certainly not an affair to them); they just believe that their spouse has a dislike of their "friend." Posted via Mobile Device
Things have been going quite well. My wife has honored the NC (it's only been a few days). I have not shown her this board but told her a few things, been openly reading His Needs/Her Needs in front of her, and gone over some things in there with her. She is grateful for my efforts, and while she still misses her friend, she isn't as depressed as before. It's faded some.
She has admitted her faults in the EA, admitted it was addicting, admitted that she understands that life with the OM never actually works out in these situations.
What I have learned in this extremely intense, extremely accelerated process, is that my wife was far more broken from her childhood than I really understood. I assumed she was stronger than she was. My challenge is to keep feeding her needs for affection and admiration, while I recover from being hurt. Vaporing the OM has done wonders. The advice to not let the meeting happen was SPOT ON.
I have told her that my supporters have said the cheater contacts the OM again, more often than they don't. She said she would beat the odds. She knows the stakes. I've made them clear. Hopefully the addiction will fade each day they don't speak.
I know we aren't out of the woods, and I know that if I fall off and begin not meeting her needs again, I invite the temptation for her to contact the OM again. I also know that if I do meet those needs, she won't need anyone else. This is how she is going to operate given how broken she is. It won't be easy, but I think we are going to be okay.
A heads up for you, with the long term relationship your wife had with the OM she should be in serious withdrawal , keep vigilant , if she does not start portaying some outward emotional and behaviour changes then there is a strong chance they are in contact. It is rare when an affair is exposed that they do not initiate contact even if it is reading old letters, looking at pictures etc. Ensure you remove all triggers for her and you, no contact is no contact of everything that is a trigger. Keep an eye open , work on the marriage and alas know that you can never trust her the same way as you did in the past. Posted via Mobile Device
You and your wife must read the late Dr Shirley Glass' book 'Not Just Friends'. Unlike Dr Willard Harley's emphasis on unmet emotional needs as the major source of infidelity, Dr Glass shows examples of how even happily married couples can fall into affairs by simply crossing marital boundaries like your wife did with the OM.
I'm not knocking Dr Harley's book, in fact it should be required reading for everyone who is considering a committed relationship - as well as his other book 'Love Busters'.
An EA can hurt just as much as a PA for many people, but it can become worse when it becomes a full blown affair (EA/PA).
Eli - that is a concern. When I confronted her with the "science" of this - meaning the addiction/withdrawal piece, she admitted it was very hard, and that it was like a drug. She is in withdrawal, and she knows it. But we have had a few really good days, and when we have good days of intimate closeness, her withdrawal pain is markedly decreased. With her, it's really a cause and effect. She also knows I will likely end the marriage if I find out they have had contact, and that scares the living sh*t out of her, which is exactly what it is supposed to do.
She said, "I want to be addicted to you, not him. I always have."
Thanks for all the support everyone. It's been my lifeline.