Wow, these are some strong comments.
1) She didn't have sex with him. Sex was not the basic need I wasn't meeting with her. He was filling emotional needs while I was "out to lunch" so to speak. Her having a tryst on vacation with some random guy is not an issue. She is not like that, even now. We have extremely fulfilling sex still. Contacting the OM while away is, however, something I worry about.
Never rule out normally uncharacteristic behavior on the part of an addict denied their fix. She's already demonstrated her willingness and ability to step outside the marital bounds emotionally with the OM. Now, you've flushed her drug down the toilet by preventing her "closure" email. An addict deprived of that next fix always has the possibility of looking to emulate that fix elsewhere. That's not to say she WILL have sex with a random guy on her vacation, just that, in her current state of mind, it's not something to dismiss out of hand.
2) This trip is an annual thing with the same bunch of friends every year. They go to Arizona, at her friend's brother's house who has a pool, etc. It was planned way in advance, way before DDay. Women go on girls trips. It's common. Some of my friends' wives go on similar trips. These aren't trips to "get some". 100% confident, especially knowing the girls she's going with.
Existing plans happen, regardless of what else may crop up. Under current circumstances, ideally, she should have volunteered to stay home and work on the marriage. Going off essentially on her own right on the heels of asking your permission to break NC demonstrates that rebuilding may not be her top priority.
A friend/co-worker was having marital problems last year, and he and I were scheduled to go on a work trip. He spoke to his boss, explained the situation, and didn't go. And that was for something work related, with a cancellation that could have potentially impacted his job. Yet, he determined that staying home to work on his marriage mattered more to him. Your wife determined that a week with the girls was more important to her.
3) You guys are over-emphasizing my reliance on her friend that's in my corner. I am not even talking to her friend about this, and won't ask her what my wife was doing. All I am saying is this particular friend has, for a long time, had an affinity for me and is less sympathetic for my wife than others. My wife is a little insecure about her (although she has no reason to be from my standpoint), and has told me so well before DDay. It's not a ploy, or something I am relying upon. But she is someone my wife will be cognizant about.
Fair enough. I was of the impression that she was aware of the EA situation and had made it known she supported you.
4) Asking her to not go on this trip, something she cherishes so much, would have been the final straw. She is already struggling with me not allowing a one last email to him. We spoke this morning before she left. She said, "All I ever wanted was to get all this from you, nobody else. That's all I want. I just need to get over this (the OM). I just have to. I hope I can." This was her relenting on her continuation to ask for one more email. We ended that on a good note, had a big meaningful hug and some encouraging words for each other.
You asking her not to go in light of the current situation would have been "the last straw." Meanwhile, asking your permission to break NC was, apparently, a reasonable request to her.
Unfortunately, that speaks volumes to her point of view regarding rebuilding trust and the marriage. Posted via Mobile Device