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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 05-24-2011, 06:47 PM   #106 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had EA only, but I'm having trouble

A bright, shiny nickle says that, despite being so dramatically desponden at the lack of "closure," she'll come home downright giddy.

Because she'll have gotten her fix.

And, not to sound too paranoid, but...anyone else having the thought that her friend who's "on Gabriel's side" might be a "double agent" recruited by the wife for the purpose of enabling contact with the OM on this trip? After all...if the inside source comes back and says, "No...she behaved. Didn't contact him...didn't even talk about him." she's got her plausible alibi going, and can resume the EA with little suspicion.
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Old 05-24-2011, 06:55 PM   #107 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had EA only, but I'm having trouble

Yep, she might be giddy, and that will be a giveaway. How do you trace a cell phone? She is not very tech savvy - I highly doubt she is going to use a prepaid phone (besides, I see all the finances on every possible card/bank account we have).

I just looked and Sprint won't allow deleted txt messages to be accessed without a signed court order, so that is out. So, is there another way to see what calls/texts they made with the phone either as they do it, or after the log is deleted?
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Old 05-24-2011, 06:59 PM   #108 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had EA only, but I'm having trouble

Can you get online and look at the call log's history on Spring's site?
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Old 05-24-2011, 07:00 PM   #109 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had EA only, but I'm having trouble

Your online bill should allow you the ability to see all numbers calling/called and all numbers that texts were sent to/from. You don't need to see the content of the texts...just whether or not any calls or texts were made to or from his number. No contact means NO CONTACT. Doesn't matter if she just said, "Hi." what matters is whether or not she broke NC.
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Old 05-24-2011, 07:02 PM   #110 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had EA only, but I'm having trouble

Sprint does not show numbers texted.
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Old 05-24-2011, 07:35 PM   #111 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had EA only, but I'm having trouble

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Originally Posted by Gabriel View Post
Yep, she might be giddy, and that will be a giveaway. How do you trace a cell phone? She is not very tech savvy - I highly doubt she is going to use a prepaid phone (besides, I see all the finances on every possible card/bank account we have).
And why wouldn't she use a prepaid cellphone? That's like one of the main tools cheaters use. She can say she's taking cash out of the ATM because she needs cash, then go to the store and buy the phone.

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I just looked and Sprint won't allow deleted txt messages to be accessed without a signed court order, so that is out. So, is there another way to see what calls/texts they made with the phone either as they do it, or after the log is deleted?
Try Mobistealth, or Mobile Spy and load it on to her phone if she has a smart phone. Check their sites to see if her phone is compatible. Depending on the version you buy, you can just monitor calls and text messages, to the deluxe version where you can download and listen directly to her phone conversations, or use it as a secret microphone.

MobiStealth | Mobile Spy Software, Cell Phone Spy Monitoring, GPS Tracking App For $39.99 | iPhone, Blackberry, Android Spyware

Mobile Spy - Monitor SMS Text Messages, Call Info and GPS Locations on iPhone, BlackBerry, Android, Windows Mobile and Symbian OS Smartphones. Spy Software for Monitoring your Cell Phone

That is if your SURE she won't get a disposable secret cell phone.
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Old 05-25-2011, 02:37 AM   #112 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had EA only, but I'm having trouble

Hey Gabriel---why is your wife going on a 6 day vacation w/out you---what type of vacation?---Where???---what is the reason for the vacation????

IMHO---you got a lot more to be worried about, with the vacation, than her EA partner----she is already somewhat pissed at you---and believe me, that is plenty of justification for her having a little sexcapade, while on vacation

The excuses you are throwing about you having someone on the trip with her, are just that, meaningless excuses for yourself---if your wife wants to cheat, and satisfy herself, she will do so, and your friend won't even know---actually how many of her GF's on the trip, are having their own problems, and maybe looking for a little on the side---and please do not be so naive, as to think for one minute this doesn't happen---A LOT----

Please don't tell me I have no idea of what I am talking about,----the world is full of these type of trips, and the innocent spouse at home NEVER FINDS OUT

As to your wife and her wanting to restart contact---NO WAY--She still has him on her mind---the only way this ends--is that has stopped, and it stays that way---She got her chance, and that is it----If she talks to him again, no good can come from that last conversation---they will say things, that will stick in their minds, about what might have been, and in a moment of weakness, or with justification, bang!!!!!, they are right back in contact---and if you think 40 miles, is gonna keep them apart---then you had better think again---if they really wanted to get together they would, it takes very little to justify anything to one who WANTS to cheat!!!!

You asked a question earlier---what should have your wife done---to get your attention, and keep it----Threaten divorce, probably was her only other option---but she certainly has your attention now!!!!!!

Your wife carried on a EA, behind your back, you managed to "out" it-----but be very careful---you just might be treading in deep water with her vacation---she knows how to be deceitful, and to lie to you----so unfortunately you do have a problem with her vacation

Prior to this "outing" of her EA, you would have trusted her----now you can't/don't---but as I said before, these girls trips are a definite vehicle for PA's that you will never know about

Sorry to have to throw this at you---but the truth needs to be faced about what is going on.
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Old 05-25-2011, 03:50 AM   #113 (permalink)
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A 6 day vacation without you so soon after confrontation is a no no. The spyware recommended for the phone does work, load it. I strongly suggest you sit with her and have a conversation based on trust , her going away is not a way to install trust particularly since she is pinning for him. It is not controlling for you to request she cancells, her affair was controlling and she should be working to save your marriage, any other action is a red flag.No contact is no contact, her being away gives her the opportunity to restart the affair, she may even call from the hotel phone. The affair script says she will contact him again and is looking for the time and place ,what are you going to do then? As for closure bulls*#t it is excuse to rekindle and replan the affair.

She must not go on the 6 day trip, it's is an opportunity for the affair to restart. Be frank with her, it is not your fear of her going away it is her lack of control and desire to contact him that's the issue. Not going on the trip is a consequence of her adultery and any unwillingness to cancel implies she is not taking you seriously.
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Old 05-25-2011, 07:30 AM   #114 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had EA only, but I'm having trouble

I hadn't even considered the hotel phone. In this era of cell phones, I always ignore the room phone when I have to travel. So, yep...she'll definitely contact him. I'd say he wouldn't even object to accepting a collect call, so there wouldn't even be a large impact to the expected hotel bill. If she goes, NC will be out the window, and the EA will be back on, taken underground in the hope you won't detect it. The vacation will serve as a convenient excuse for her sudden shift in attitude: "I just needed the time away to reflect on everything, recharge my batteries and rest. Now, my head is clear, and everything is fine."

Wonder how difficult, over this Memorial Day weekend, it would be for him to take an impromptu vacation of his own...?
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Old 05-25-2011, 09:38 AM   #115 (permalink)
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Wow, these are some strong comments.

1) She didn't have sex with him. Sex was not the basic need I wasn't meeting with her. He was filling emotional needs while I was "out to lunch" so to speak. Her having a tryst on vacation with some random guy is not an issue. She is not like that, even now. We have extremely fulfilling sex still. Contacting the OM while away is, however, something I worry about.

2) This trip is an annual thing with the same bunch of friends every year. They go to Arizona, at her friend's brother's house who has a pool, etc. It was planned way in advance, way before DDay. Women go on girls trips. It's common. Some of my friends' wives go on similar trips. These aren't trips to "get some". 100% confident, especially knowing the girls she's going with.

3) You guys are over-emphasizing my reliance on her friend that's in my corner. I am not even talking to her friend about this, and won't ask her what my wife was doing. All I am saying is this particular friend has, for a long time, had an affinity for me and is less sympathetic for my wife than others. My wife is a little insecure about her (although she has no reason to be from my standpoint), and has told me so well before DDay. It's not a ploy, or something I am relying upon. But she is someone my wife will be cognizant about.


4) Asking her to not go on this trip, something she cherishes so much, would have been the final straw. She is already struggling with me not allowing a one last email to him. We spoke this morning before she left. She said, "All I ever wanted was to get all this from you, nobody else. That's all I want. I just need to get over this (the OM). I just have to. I hope I can." This was her relenting on her continuation to ask for one more email. We ended that on a good note, had a big meaningful hug and some encouraging words for each other.

5) I figured out how to check the Sprint call log online. I'll be watching it closely. It won't monitor texts. It won't stop any secret cell phone (or borrowing her friend's phone), but I can't stop or monitor a secret cell phone when I can't tell if it exists. Not really sure what I can do about that. She has to make the decision to continue the affair or to end it and re-commit to the marriage. I can't make that decision for her. In the meantime, I do Plan A, and hope that is enough to meet her needs and reduce the temptation of rekindling things with the OM.

6) I've made some mistakes since DDay. I've slipped 2-3 times from the modified 180, and every time it has bit me in the butt. I have to stay strong, not expose my pain to her, or continue to question things, bring old things up. I have to work on being a better me, and doing Plan A, and if she doesn't want to come along for the ride it is her loss.
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Old 05-25-2011, 10:04 AM   #116 (permalink)
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Did you tell his wife?? I am sorry but I can't remember...
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Old 05-25-2011, 10:06 AM   #117 (permalink)
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4) Asking her to not go on this trip, something she cherishes so much, would have been the final straw.
And her wanting to reach out to the man she cheated on you with isn't?

Good luck.
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Old 05-25-2011, 10:50 AM   #118 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had EA only, but I'm having trouble

Jelly Beans - the OM is not married. Never has been. Engaged once a long time ago. A girlfriend from time to time but not in a long time.

Her asking for one more email to let it all out set me back pretty far. I actually got a visceral reaction from it and my body started shaking as if I were going into shock. This was via phone too, when I was on lunch and she was home. I stuck to my guns though.

Well, the Sprint records for the period between the NC on 5/11 and 5/22 just became available this morning (5/23 to present was already available - long story). And she has honored the NC as far as calls from/to the cell goes. Email too. Can't monitor texts. Funny, looking back at the prior bills I found that in Feb and March there were almost zero calls between them. I think it was 2 short ones in two months. Well within normal for a friend. But on 4/23 (not coincidentally this was the date of the email I discovered between them which began DDay), it exploded. There were calls every day from 4/23 to 5/5 (DDay), some were long. Then a couple between 5/5 (DDay) and 5/11 (NC day). Nothing after 5/11. No other suspicious calls. If she has broken the NC it was by text. Given her fighting to send one last email, and her depression/anger, she falls into the pattern of someone honoring the NC as well. Nice to see it backed up by phone records.

I will keep watching and not tell her I'm checking them.
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Old 05-25-2011, 12:35 PM   #119 (permalink)
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Wow, these are some strong comments.

1) She didn't have sex with him. Sex was not the basic need I wasn't meeting with her. He was filling emotional needs while I was "out to lunch" so to speak. Her having a tryst on vacation with some random guy is not an issue. She is not like that, even now. We have extremely fulfilling sex still. Contacting the OM while away is, however, something I worry about.
Never rule out normally uncharacteristic behavior on the part of an addict denied their fix. She's already demonstrated her willingness and ability to step outside the marital bounds emotionally with the OM. Now, you've flushed her drug down the toilet by preventing her "closure" email. An addict deprived of that next fix always has the possibility of looking to emulate that fix elsewhere. That's not to say she WILL have sex with a random guy on her vacation, just that, in her current state of mind, it's not something to dismiss out of hand.

Quote:
2) This trip is an annual thing with the same bunch of friends every year. They go to Arizona, at her friend's brother's house who has a pool, etc. It was planned way in advance, way before DDay. Women go on girls trips. It's common. Some of my friends' wives go on similar trips. These aren't trips to "get some". 100% confident, especially knowing the girls she's going with.
Existing plans happen, regardless of what else may crop up. Under current circumstances, ideally, she should have volunteered to stay home and work on the marriage. Going off essentially on her own right on the heels of asking your permission to break NC demonstrates that rebuilding may not be her top priority.

A friend/co-worker was having marital problems last year, and he and I were scheduled to go on a work trip. He spoke to his boss, explained the situation, and didn't go. And that was for something work related, with a cancellation that could have potentially impacted his job. Yet, he determined that staying home to work on his marriage mattered more to him. Your wife determined that a week with the girls was more important to her.

Quote:
3) You guys are over-emphasizing my reliance on her friend that's in my corner. I am not even talking to her friend about this, and won't ask her what my wife was doing. All I am saying is this particular friend has, for a long time, had an affinity for me and is less sympathetic for my wife than others. My wife is a little insecure about her (although she has no reason to be from my standpoint), and has told me so well before DDay. It's not a ploy, or something I am relying upon. But she is someone my wife will be cognizant about.
Fair enough. I was of the impression that she was aware of the EA situation and had made it known she supported you.

Quote:
4) Asking her to not go on this trip, something she cherishes so much, would have been the final straw. She is already struggling with me not allowing a one last email to him. We spoke this morning before she left. She said, "All I ever wanted was to get all this from you, nobody else. That's all I want. I just need to get over this (the OM). I just have to. I hope I can." This was her relenting on her continuation to ask for one more email. We ended that on a good note, had a big meaningful hug and some encouraging words for each other.
You asking her not to go in light of the current situation would have been "the last straw." Meanwhile, asking your permission to break NC was, apparently, a reasonable request to her.

Unfortunately, that speaks volumes to her point of view regarding rebuilding trust and the marriage.
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Old 05-25-2011, 12:59 PM   #120 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had EA only, but I'm having trouble

Grayson, you make good points. The "last straw" comment is not something she told me. It's something I just feel. Who knows, maybe she would have honored the request. I didn't request she stay home. She expressed a lot of worry about how I would be doing while she was gone. I've lost my sh*t a couple of times - going against the 180 plan. But as part of the 180, I stayed strong, said I would be just fine here with the kids, and that I'll be okay. So while it may have been the right thing for her to do (canceling), I am okay with it and need to show her my strength here.

We are scheduled to take a trip out of town for 4 days in about a month. She did express that she wished this weekend was that trip and not this one. Frankly, I think 1/2 of her is still denial - she wants life to be "normal" - the drastic change of following the NC with the OM is as much change as she can handle.

When I stuck to my guns about the email, she eventually backed down and said she wouldn't ask me again, although it took a lot of arguing throughout the day to get there. She had a weak moment, things are backing up on her, and she was desperate for a release. She knows how I feel, will honor that, I think. We'll see.

Like I've said before, I want this to work, but am prepared for the alternative. At some point you have to stop worrying, put in your efforts, and things will happen that are supposed to happen, good or bad.
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