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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 05-25-2011, 02:13 PM   #121 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had EA only, but I'm having trouble

Question: what would be your "last straw?"
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Old 05-25-2011, 03:25 PM   #122 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had EA only, but I'm having trouble

Great question Jelly Beans.

I am checking the Sprint phone records. If I see that she has been conversing with him on her trip, especially if it is multiple times, my plan is as follows.

I am picking her up at the airport Monday night (Memorial Day - really late - kids will be in bed). I will put her bag in the backseat. There will be another bag in the trunk. I will drive her to an extended stay instead of home and tell her why.

I will tell her that I've booked the efficiency for a week, and say I'm telling the kids she decided to stay an extra week on vacation. During that week, she will need to decide which life she wants. Affair or marriage. If affair, I will call all her family and friends and tell them the news. And then we'll talk with the kids, who so far, amazingly, don't suspect a thing.

If marriage, she can move back in, but I'll tell her trust is gone, no more outings with her friends until she earns it back. Constant updates on her schedule, complete kissing of my asss, and the next time she makes contact even once or lies in any way I will divorce her immediately and tell every family member and friend she knows exactly what she did.
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Old 05-25-2011, 03:30 PM   #123 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had EA only, but I'm having trouble

Would you tolerate a single call to the OM? Answer: no calls, if one call is made take her to the hotel, tell your children and family, file for divorce, stop lowering the boundaries. She then has a finite window to commit to the marriage and every aspect of it.
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Old 05-25-2011, 03:37 PM   #124 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had EA only, but I'm having trouble

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I am checking the Sprint phone records. If I see that she has been conversing with him on her trip, especially if it is multiple times, my plan is as follows.
If that is how you caught it the first time and she knows you are checking, you are spinning your wheels. If there is further communication, it will be through a different channel.

Here's a few I've been through.

She called him once on my cell phone. I was checking my cell records and home records with the false sense of security she wasn't talking to him. She bought a prepaid phone.

Finally, she gave up the prepaid phone and promised no contact. That was fine for awhile until a VAR caught a conversation. It was supposedly on the home phone where he called her. There had been a call to him on the home phone where he would have the number. She also showed me how to erase a particular caller ID, lending credibility to the theory. Again, a promise of no contact.

I found a way to track the home phone. Again, a false sense of security in that there were no conversations with him. Until it caught a conversation on another phone. Hence, the proof of Affair Phone # 2.

My point is that she will find a way to call him if she wants to. Checking the things that she knows that you know about are pointless. She will likely not use something you know about already.
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Old 05-25-2011, 03:53 PM   #125 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had EA only, but I'm having trouble

She doesn't know I am checking phone records. Her email has been totally clean because that is how I caught her. She may be thinking ahead and using another method but SO FAR, I believe she has actually heeded the NC. Some wayward spouses actually heed it, I'm told. But the point you make is valid. If she wants to bad enough, she'll break it somehow. Maybe I catch it maybe I don't.
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Old 05-25-2011, 04:55 PM   #126 (permalink)
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She may be thinking ahead and using another method but SO FAR, I believe she has actually heeded the NC. Some wayward spouses actually heed it, I'm told.
I hope you are right. It was the talking about how she needed "closure" that sounded waaaaay too familiar. Yes, some do. I hope your wife is one of them.
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Old 05-26-2011, 06:14 PM   #127 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had EA only, but I'm having trouble

QUESTION:

Wife and I have exchanged a few texts while apart. One of hers read, "we did XXX, YYY, ZZZ, now relaxing by the pool. Must do lots of thinking this week".

From there we exchanged a couple of texts, one where I reiterated that she has two choices, and that I hope she picks the one to work on the marriage, but I said it was ultimately her call. She said, "I know the road ahead of me." I took this to mean that she knows what she has to think about.

I have checked the call logs and no calls with the OM thus far 1.5 days into the trip.

My question is this: Given that she is clearly in the fog still (though she says she is thinking clearly), I am tempted to lay out all the ramifications if she decides it is too hard to break off ties permanently with the OM. Meaning, listing for her the ramifications:

1) losing a husband of 15 years completely rededicated to a renewed marriage with more passion and need-meeting than ever before
2) the devastation of our kids
3) that everyone will know (right now we each have a small circle of friends that know everything) the full details
4) the financial burden, the separate homes, etc, etc,
5) the fact that OM relationships have a 3-5% survival rate

I mean, somewhere she knows all of this (I know she's thought about some of these things over the years), but it just makes no sense to make all of those things happen just so she can continue a relationship with the OM. She even said if we didn't make it she would take a year to just be alone - that she might date the OM later on, but not for quite some time to clear her head.

Should I list all of this and tell her what she would be giving up? Or is this going into the begging/pleading that I have to avoid? Having trouble with that distinction.

Right before she left we kind of agreed to try really hard for 6 months the right way, and if we couldn't rekindle what we had in the past we would walk away. And she might still be on that plan in her head. But her deep thinking while gone might change that.

Anyway, any thoughts/opinions on my question about listing the ramifications would be really appreciated.
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Old 05-26-2011, 06:23 PM   #128 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had EA only, but I'm having trouble

I believe that would fall into the "Don't reason" part of the 180. I've tried reasoning. It certainly didn't work in my case. She knows the ramifications. I don't think there is any reason to reiterate them. That's just my opinion.
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Old 05-26-2011, 07:23 PM   #129 (permalink)
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I wouldn't go into the litany of consequences. At this point, it will mean nothing.

I did want to point something out, though:

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I mean, somewhere she knows all of this (I know she's thought about some of these things over the years), but it just makes no sense to make all of those things happen just so she can continue a relationship with the OM. She even said if we didn't make it she would take a year to just be alone - that she might date the OM later on, but not for quite some time to clear her head.
Warning, Will Robinson! Danger! Danger!

She is already entertaining the notion of a romantic relationship with the OM at some undefined point in the future. And is telling you about it!! On the heels of asking for permission to break NC. Right now, it sounds like - despite lip service being paid to workin on the marriage - her head and heart are still firmly with the OM. I hate to say it, but your uphill climb just got steeper.
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Old 05-26-2011, 07:23 PM   #130 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had EA only, but I'm having trouble

I understand she might do this. And frankly, I want to flat out ask her when she gets back to see what she says. But should I? I might glean some info but it also might cause a sh*tstorm and set me back when it comes to showing her I am strong and capable of moving on without her. What do you think? Ask or don't ask? Try to catch her on the down low, or keep tabs with her openly?
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Old 05-26-2011, 07:27 PM   #131 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had EA only, but I'm having trouble

Grayson, she said that to me on DDay. Not just now. I asked her when I confronted her. I asked, "So, do you want to go be with him now?". She said, "If I leave you it won't be to be with him. Who knows maybe down the road we would date or something, but I would need to do this to be alone for a good year and get myself right before jumping into anything with him, or anyone."

Does that still ring as dangerous to you? You kind of took that out of context and jumped.
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Old 05-26-2011, 07:35 PM   #132 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had EA only, but I'm having trouble

Sounded like it was something she'd said in a more recent conversation, the way I read it.

In light of her definitely recent request to break NC, it's something I wouldn't dismiss, at the very least. For my money, a cheating spouse, when discovered and confronted, who says, "If we split up, I MIGHT date the OM/OW." is saying, "Given half a chance, I'd be with the OM/OW." In that moment, the marriage is at a crisis point, your wife was basically being given a choice between you and the OM, and instead of definitively choosing you, she said, "I'll give it a shot with you, but if it doesn't work out, I've always got the OM."
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Old 05-26-2011, 09:29 PM   #133 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had EA only, but I'm having trouble

Grayson, your last quote is right on the money. Given she's asked me to meet her needs probably 30 times (prior to the EA) and I failed 30 times to consistently meet them, she has doubts I can do it this time. I can't blame her for that really. She has to decide if she is going to give me one last chance or not.

The most heartbreaking part of this is that I have finally armed myself with the proper tools to meet her needs and am 100% confident I will now. Question is, will I get the chance. She's afraid I'm saying this only because someone else could do that for her.

What she only 1/2 understands is I meet some of her needs, and the OM meets others. She leaves me, and she won't have my financial support, a family life, etc. And so that's what she is weighing. "Do I give it one more go and risk him failing yet again and cut off ties to the OM forever? Or did I really give him all the chances he should have needed and therefore I am done."

Only she can decide this. Her being on this trip until Monday night is f*cking killing me, because we can't talk, I can't fully demonstrate Plan A, and the risk of her rekindling with the OM has increased.

I just want to fast forward to Monday night so we can talk and connect.
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Old 05-26-2011, 10:34 PM   #134 (permalink)
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Is that possible? Yes, but barely. Given that this was an EA and not a PA, I'd say that helps my cause somewhat. Also, she has 5 girlfriends with her, 3 of which I've known for years. One of them in particular would cave and say something, I think. She is a big fan of me as her husband.
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Old 05-26-2011, 10:46 PM   #135 (permalink)
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Her being on this trip until Monday night is f*cking killing me, because we can't talk, I can't fully demonstrate Plan A, and the risk of her rekindling with the OM has increased.
It's a hard thing to deal with, when they go away on trips. My husband has always gone away regularly for 3-4 days at a time, and has continued to do so since his affair. I check phone logs when he is away but I realise he can easily circumvent that (eg. have a secret phone/email, use a pay phone etc.).

In the end I just have to trust that he is behaving himself. I mainly have to rely on the way he treats me when gets home, and my gut instinct - which is usually right.
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