Wife had EA only, but I'm having trouble
My wife and are are 40, been married 15 years, 3 kids. For years, our marriage has been less than ideal. My wife, due to her terrible relationship with her dad, never got the love she needed growing up. She's always been really needy. I am a bit aloof at times. She has been coming to me for years saying she needs more from me. I always felt that I would "fix" it, but my fixes were temporary and I would go back to "normal". Bottom line is that I felt everything would work out somehow, I would give her what she needs, but I didn't have any sense of urgency because we were so committed to each other. She warned me.
She has a guy friend that she has never dated - they've been friends for 20 years. He's never married but had girlfriends. He and I became casual friends. He was at our wedding, etc, etc. He lives 90 minutes away and they would get together about 4-5 times a year for a visit that would last most of the day. I worked this through with my wife and she reassured me nothing was going on (and until very recently, it wasn't).
While on a trip out of town for work, I went into her email to look for invitation responses to a party we are having. While there, I saw an email from her friend. Given our recent struggles I had to look. Long story short it was clear from that email that they were having an EA. My wife's email response back to him was very incriminating, devastating, and yet proof it had not yet gone physical. It was worded such that she wished she could be with him, but couldn't because of our marriage.
I paced my hotel room for 3 hours, contemplating what to do. Then I called my wife in the middle of the night. I asked her what was going on between them, before I told her what I saw. She said, nothing has happened (which is true from a physical point). Then I said I saw an email and she was reluctant to come out with it. It wasn't until I read her the incriminating sentence that she admitted her feelings for her friend.
Due to my not meeting her emotional needs for the past few years and her warning me about it, she eventually found this gap filled by her friend, to the point she fell in love with him. She hasn't really been in love with me for awhile, although she does still love me very much and we have phenomenal sex. I am also the main bread winner in the house and a doting father. Because of my lack of urgency in reassuring my wife and her emotional baggage, I am wondering if we are too far gone to repair the marriage.
This just happened Thursday night 5/4. It's still raw. She agreed immediately to stop communicating with her friend. She said she wanted to say goodbye to him given their 20 years of friendship. I am allowing this, but told her it had to be at a nearby restaurant and not by where he lives (again, not that it's gotten physical, but last hurrahs are scary). They haven't done this yet.
We have made some huge strides over the last 2 days - had a great mother's day. I took yesterday off to further deal with this with her. And we had another great day. We both realize that there is blame all around. I feel bad for ignoring her for so long and vowed never to let that happen again. She vowed not to communicate with her friend after her goodbye talk with him. But I am still hurt. And she has to figure out if all the years of my not meeting her emotional needs is repairable too. Lot's of work ahead to see if those two issues can be resolved. But 19 years of relationship and 15 years of marriage, 3 kids, etc...we have to do it, and we want to try.
Anyone been here? Or can relate? I'm trying to get some cathartic relief.