why do You think the cheated on spouse is to blame?
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » why do You think the cheated on spouse is to blame?

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

Like Tree2Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 05-10-2011, 03:36 PM   #1 (permalink)
Member
 
heartbroken1957's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Midwest
Posts: 104
Question why do You think the cheated on spouse is to blame?

I'm soul searching. I have read and read where 90% of the people blame the spouse for failing to make the cheater happy.
I'm not that kind of spouse. I got cheated on. Now in therapy sessions he is listing things he wants me to change. I list things I want him to change. I want him to acknowledge I exist, show he loves, cares and wants me.
He has so far listed every piece of my personality, my cooking, my housekeeping, how I breathe even.
Seems to me he wants a different woman all together.
Sure I dropped the ball with the marriage, but it is not all my fault that it got stale. I got tired of an absent husband, father, lover and friend. I just trudged through thinking that someday we would find each other again.
He says he is wrong and sorry for the affair. He wants to stay together and be a happy couple again. But he also claims all he did to cause the marriage to fail is give up on the marriage and look for another woman.

HELLO. Did he come to me for sex? NO. Did he try to talk? NO. Did he avoid me and family at any cost? YES.

Pipe in and lets see just how many out there really think when a spouse cheats, it is the other spouses resposibility to fix it, and take the blame.
heartbroken1957 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 05-10-2011, 03:38 PM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
Jellybeans's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 19,377
Default Re: why do You think the cheated on spouse is to blame?

It's called projection and blame-shifting.

NO ONE is responsible for their partner cheating.

It is a choice the partner makes, plain and simple.

My ex was not there for me emotionally at all and that def made attention from someone else nice, buat at the end of the day, no one held a gun to my head and made me do it. It's my deepest regret in life. I left very soon after and wish like hell I would have just not done it. Stupid.
Jellybeans is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 05-10-2011, 03:47 PM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
AppleDucklings's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: overlooking Iowa
Posts: 1,403
Default Re: why do You think the cheated on spouse is to blame?

You are not at all responsible for his cheating. Sometimes the cheating spouse is missing something at home that will lead them to cheat but in the end, that is still a choice they made and they were not forced into it. They should have said to their spouse that they were not happy or confided in their spouse about anything that was lacking. The loyal spouse can better themselves to save the marriage but the LS is never in any way at fault for the other cheating.
__________________
"said woman, take it slow, it'll work itself out fine. All we need is just a little patience."-Gun N Roses
AppleDucklings is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 05-10-2011, 03:48 PM   #4 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 2,737
Default Re: why do You think the cheated on spouse is to blame?

Quote:
Originally Posted by heartbroken1957 View Post
I'm soul searching. I have read and read where 90% of the people blame the spouse for failing to make the cheater happy.
Perhaps it is because they focus on blame rather than how to make sure their spouse is happy?

They are diametrically opposed goals seeking to be absent from blame vs. seeking actively to make love bank deposits and limit withdrawals...
Mom6547 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 05-10-2011, 03:56 PM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
Gabriel's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Midwest
Posts: 2,215
Default Re: why do You think the cheated on spouse is to blame?

JellyBean

"It's my deepest regret in life. I left very soon after and wish like hell I would have just not done it. Stupid."

Are you saying that you cheated, regretted it, and then YOU left? Or did you mean to say your PARTNER left?
Gabriel is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 05-10-2011, 04:07 PM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 10,210
Default Re: why do You think the cheated on spouse is to blame?

Part of the less-than-enjoyable aspects of my job as criminal investigator is listening to adult pedophiles tell me how their 3 year old rape victim enticed them or otherwise was responsible for what happened. Not sure how he believed having sex with another woman was going to improve your cooking skills. See how ridiculous this sounds? He cheated, he's wrong, he has no excuse, end of story. If he were truly remorseful, he wouldn't try to justify his own failures by laying the responsibility at your feet. Being a jerk was his choice and his alone. If he had been married to any other woman on earth he would have done the same because nobody with the breath of life in them is perfect. Even if a perfect woman did exist, why does he imagine he would deserve her?
unbelievable is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 05-10-2011, 04:23 PM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
heartbroken1957's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Midwest
Posts: 104
Default Re: why do You think the cheated on spouse is to blame?

unbelievable that is exactly how I felt about it. The woman he was communictaing with had no idea what he was like. He had no idea what they were really like. He serfed from sight to sight trying to find a real person and did find a few. Only one connected. He quit before there was any physical sex. He did have a few chat sessions with mastribation.
I just feel if I step up and change all the things he is asking for, then what?
I feel that way because every week in therapy it is a new demand. I am getting frustrated with it and I would like to ask the therapist just where she is letting this go. This is second therapist, first one, H thought he was partial to me.
I love the hell out of my H. But I am tearing my heart apart trying to keep him. I feel like he is making me prove I love him. Could that be it?
heartbroken1957 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 05-10-2011, 04:34 PM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 65
Default Re: why do You think the cheated on spouse is to blame?

That is true unbelievable. As my father said, my husband would've cheated no matter who he was married to. In fact my husband also admitted that he wouldve probably cheated even if he was with his previous girlfriend once he got on the internet dating sites.

Unfortunately they have a cheater's heart and they rewrite the history of the marriage to justify it to themselves about their lack of morals because they are unable to face the truth about themselves. It is easier for them to blame someone else instead of having to look within themselves at their faults, and who easier to blame, the spouse.

Sure, my husband too could've come to me and spoken of his "unhappiness" and lack of friends and what we could do about it or gone to marriage counselling either alone if I was unwilling to go. I get the impression from family members who know of my husband's cheating that it is what men do, although they havent blamed me directly, I get the feeling from them that is normal for a man to cheat. Well they dont know because it hasent happened to them. I was raised with morals and no infidelity in my family so it is a shock when your husband cheats then blames you for it. I was with my ex for 7 years and he never cheated on me, so what made my husband become one? Well because he was raised with it and he has had too many girlfriends in the past to be able to be faithful to one woman.
.
mswren7 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 05-10-2011, 04:35 PM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
Therealbrighteyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 6,647
Default Re: why do You think the cheated on spouse is to blame?

Quote:
Originally Posted by unbelievable View Post
part of the less-than-enjoyable aspects of my job as criminal investigator is listening to adult pedophiles tell me how their 3 year old rape victim enticed them or otherwise was responsible for what happened. Not sure how he believed having sex with another woman was going to improve your cooking skills. See how ridiculous this sounds? He cheated, he's wrong, he has no excuse, end of story. If he were truly remorseful, he wouldn't try to justify his own failures by laying the responsibility at your feet. Being a jerk was his choice and his alone. If he had been married to any other woman on earth he would have done the same because nobody with the breath of life in them is perfect. Even if a perfect woman did exist, why does he imagine he would deserve her?
This!!!
Therealbrighteyes is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 05-10-2011, 04:50 PM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 196
Default Re: why do You think the cheated on spouse is to blame?

Doesnt it depend what we are blaming the person for? Yes the affair is 100% the fault of the person that cheated but most affairs happen because something is missing in the marrrage.
Indy Nial is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 05-10-2011, 04:57 PM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 65
Default Re: why do You think the cheated on spouse is to blame?

Indy Nial, what was missing in my marriage was that we didnt have any friends and my husband thought I was unsocial. I admit I am not a social person and am just happy to have my family and close friend to fill my needs. He on the other hand as I found out, wanted friends so he joined internet dating sites to talk to "people", the fact that these people were only women meant that once he started this he became addicted to it which lead to cheating because where his mind went, his body followed.

He then said he pushed me aside, so did he push me aside before or after he started chatting to other women. My feelings tell me he pushed me aside after he started getting the thrill of attention from other women.
mswren7 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 05-10-2011, 07:07 PM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 
Jellybeans's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 19,377
Default Re: why do You think the cheated on spouse is to blame?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gabriel View Post
JellyBean

"It's my deepest regret in life. I left very soon after and wish like hell I would have just not done it. Stupid."

Are you saying that you cheated, regretted it, and then YOU left? Or did you mean to say your PARTNER left?
I am the one who left. I regret the affair.
Jellybeans is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 05-10-2011, 07:18 PM   #13 (permalink)
ing
Member
 
ing's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 1,197
Default Re: why do You think the cheated on spouse is to blame?

Quote:
Originally Posted by unbelievable View Post
Part of the less-than-enjoyable aspects of my job as criminal investigator is listening to adult pedophiles tell me how their 3 year old rape victim enticed them or otherwise was responsible for what happened.
Kudos to you Sir. In my job as a sys-admin I came across one of these scumbags downloading stuff that is burned in my brain. I neatly hand balled it the Federal Police. I can't even begin to imagine talking to one!
Thank you.
__________________
Blog
ing is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 05-10-2011, 07:49 PM   #14 (permalink)
Member
 
heartbroken1957's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Midwest
Posts: 104
Default Re: why do You think the cheated on spouse is to blame?

Indy Nial, This is exactly what I am asking myself and the group.
True something was missing. Not to me, but to him. Now for 16 mths I have asked what is missing? What do you want? What did "I" DO WRONG? You see it is automatic to first leave the cheater. Then when you discover you really love this person and are able to forgive what they have done. You start questioning why. What did I do to make him look to another source to fill the void in our marriage. Was he selfish? Yes, he had no intention of talking to me about it. He wanted everyone to look at him and say "Oh poor H." So it is easy for him to convince himself that He did nothing wrong. Because I was a "bad wife" in his eyes, he deserved to have an affair. I deserve the blame.
heartbroken1957 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 05-10-2011, 08:39 PM   #15 (permalink)
Member
 
Jellybeans's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 19,377
Default Re: why do You think the cheated on spouse is to blame?

Quote:
Originally Posted by heartbroken1957 View Post
So it is easy for him to convince himself that He did nothing wrong. Because I was a "bad wife" in his eyes, he deserved to have an affair. I deserve the blame.
Sorry but this isn't how it works. If he can't own that him cheating on you was WRONG and that he did it of his own volition, you have a lot bigger problems.

Nobody "deserves" to be cheated on by their spouse.
Jellybeans is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Who do you blame most for affair - your spouse or AP? bigtone128 Coping with Infidelity 100 05-30-2012 11:46 AM
Counseling for spouse cheated on d1221 Coping with Infidelity 6 05-11-2011 04:54 PM
Is it normal to blame the person you cheated on? synonimous_anonymous Coping with Infidelity 5 05-10-2011 08:05 PM
cheated on spouse with an old flame......... Confused76 The Ladies' Lounge 16 02-25-2009 09:01 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 01:03 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.