Wife and old boyfriend
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 05-10-2011, 04:50 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife and old boyfriend

a few months back I came across on facebook that my wife was chatting with her old boyfriend, they were real close back when she went to school. I seen them typing on facebook after I logged on under her account, the short of it she asked him was it possible to love 2 people at the same time, she told him that she loved him with the same deep love as for me, after reading the live posts, I texted her that I love her thru her phone, knowing she was busted. she called me and I told her I was reading there posts, she said it was only a game she was playing, Note: she was staying with her mom in the hospital , she was there most of 4-5 months coming home on weekends. she told me she got bored being there for so long, and that they were talking about His breakup up his wife. I told her I didnt like it at all her talking to him, she always said they were just good friends from school, she said she wouldnt talk to him anymore, that she loved me and it was stupid thing she done, I looked thru past phone records, and found out for 1 month on and off she was talking to him, then it stopped, I am always now checking facebook phones etc.. where it consumes all of my time, she did message him on facebook the other night when i was out working late, he was also a friend of her moms before we got married, he was asking her when he comes back to town he was hoping it would be alright with me for him to come see her mom ( she is staying with us now since she got out of hospital shes bed ridden) I know he is still in love with my wife past coments about shes the one that got away, but now that him and his wife is split up, I have to keep my guard up, I know inside of me that she is still in love with him also, and she dont want to mess up our marriage of 13 years. this is all confusing... I know she loves me , but I cant get it out of my mind her telling him she loves him to. dont know whats going to happen when she brings it up about him coming to visit her mom. I really dont want him in my house.even if I was there. I truely love my wife, but this stuff is driving me crazy. shes my whole world and I cant imagine not being with her. I know he needs to get out of her life, and work on his own marriage. I hate that i keep spying on her thru facebook etc. which I did tell her that first night that I could see them chatting, hoping that would stop it. its SO Confusing !!!!
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Old 05-10-2011, 07:17 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife and old boyfriend

First never let you wife know you will do anything for her, what she hears is you are allowing her to be with this guy. Ya I know it sounds wierd, but you must show confidencne that if she crosses your boundries and disrespect you that you will move on with out her.

The last thing you want is her thinking your a push over and she can get away with befriending who she wants.

Granted you can't control her but you can let her know you will protect your self respect and it is her choice on what she wants out of the marriage. You want to protect it and will not tolorate this kind of dangerous influence in. You will not stick around while she belittles the marraige by allowing him to be involved in it.

Its your choice in what you will tolorate.

Someting about your post tells me you will tolorate alot..even sharing your wife. "You can't imagine not being with her" well you better...you better come to the realization that there is a possiblity that she will pick him over you.

Once you except that you can live with out her then you can stand up and let the world know that "I will protect my family and it is in the best interest for the family that this man is not welcome in my home. If my wife choose him over me then she can move on with out me b/c I charish my marriage and If my wife can't see this then she has nothing invested in it any way.

In short don't stand for it... it will f*ck your marraige up so keep this guy away no matter what. Hopefully your wife respect a man that can stand up for his marraige and protect it.

See she can't see it that way b/c "there just friends" she wants this guy and you know it so you need to make some tough love dicisions that will effect the rest of you life.

And please don't start crying and begging for her to make the right choice. That is so unatractive to her. With confidence and in a calm but with frimness that you will not control her but you will control what you will tolorate and you wont tolorate this. So if she wants to be with him you will kove on with out her.

Be prepared she could call you bluff and you will have to man up and move on.
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Old 05-11-2011, 04:43 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife and old boyfriend

Your wife is having an emotional affair, pure and simple. For one, she kept her initial contact with her old flame a secret from you. Then she continued to talk to him without telling you that she was talking to an old boyfriend. Then she declares her love for him, which is wrong. Her love should be exclusively for you. You are the one she married, taking vows to forsake all others.

Be wary! This is exactly how my wife's EA started, reconnecting with an old boyfriend thru facebook. What you have to do is let her know that what she did is wrong and IS an emotional affair. If she tries to say there was nothing wrong with it, then ask her why she kept all these talks with her and her old boyfriend a secret from you. This is not a game. This is very dangerous for your marriage. He is NOT a part of your family and it is entirely wrong for her to want him to visit your home. This is BS. Why does he need to visit your mother in law? He's not related to her. HE ONLY WANTS TO BE WITH HER!!! If you allow this, you are allowing and condoning the affair. Be firm. You need to find out who his wife is and ask her if she is comfortable with her husband coming to see your wife.

You need to tell her that she needs to have NC with this old boyfriend, and if she does, then that means she is choosing him over you. You need to install a keylogger on the computer to ensure there is NC. A VERY COMMON thing that happens is when they are found out, they take it further underground. With the keylogger, you need to find out if she has a secret email address or secret facebook profile (my wife did).

Please remember that an EA is only a prelude to a PA (Physical Affair). Pretty soon chatting, texting, talking on the phone will not be enough for them as they fall deeper into the fog, and then they will meet and consumate their relationship. The next thing you know, you will get the ILYBINILWY (I love you but I'm not in love with you) speech.

Do everything you can right now to nip this affair in the bud.
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Old 05-11-2011, 07:34 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife and old boyfriend

Well said RWB. They don't call facebook, cheating made easy for nothing.

To the OP: Expose the EA to the OM's betrayed wife. See if he'll want to come see your wife then. Make no mistake, his wanting to visit your mother in law is only an excuse to be with your wife. Your wife PMed him while you were working late. You need to have her send a NC letter to him. Like RWB said, past lovers cannot be friends, especially since she declared her love for him. And no, declaring your love for another man that is not your husband is not harmless, nor is it a game.

Explain to her that breaking NC will result in consequences. If OM breaks NC and she doesn't tell you, that is also breaking NC on her part.
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Old 05-11-2011, 07:40 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife and old boyfriend

Do yourself a favour , access his friends list on facebook and copy their names and the web link for each friend to a word document, if he does not leave your wife alone and stay away from your MIL we will help you use the same tool that enables the affair to break it. The same goes if your wife contacts him again.
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Old 05-11-2011, 08:01 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Contact his wife and inform her about the communication via facebook between him and your wife. Also ask her why they are splitting up. Chances are good that the split may be due to cheating on his part and if that is so, then you must calmly, confidently and respectfully inform your wife in order to plant the seed of doubt about him inside her. Of course that won't stop her if she's dead set on taking it up a notch further with him, but you can certainly bet the family farm that there will be a part of her that will be thinking 'is he using me?'

In any case, you should prepare yourself for the worst. You don't have to act like a jerk to your wife but start developing the mindset that you don't need her in order to be a happy man. The worst thing you can do is to become a needy, emotional wreck, pleading with her to stop the affair. This only guarantees that she'll look at you as something less than a man worthy only of her contempt. This is reality my friend plain and simple and you can either make peace with it or torture yourself by denying it. Calmly, confidently and respectfully demonstrate to her that you're more than willing to file for divorce if she is having - or if she had - an affair with him, and see who will become the needy, emotional wreck, pleading with you not to do it and willing to move heaven and earth to keep you.

Repeat the following until it is etched into your mind forever women have utter contempt for emotionally weak men
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Last edited by morituri; 05-11-2011 at 08:22 AM. Reason: correction
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Old 05-11-2011, 11:27 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife and old boyfriend

Thanks for the advise, I will be using it, I didnt put 13 years in a marriage for nothing, plus moving here away from all my friends and family to be with her. and it aint NO way in my life time this guy will come visitng to my own house. Will have to tell her if this cont. once I ever left. thats it, she will never for the rest of her life here from me again. This is my first marraige and if things go wrong, I wont be doing this again. thanks guys !
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Old 05-11-2011, 12:43 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife and old boyfriend

Way to go skyreader, you'd be amazed hom many people don't listen to the advice they get here.

It took her awhile to get to this stage and returning to normal could take awhile too. And there is a chance you may have to give up on this marriage, some people just don't take marriage as seriously as others.

I wish you all the best!
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Old 05-11-2011, 09:37 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife and old boyfriend

I got to the point that checking up on her via cell phone records, feeling my stomach drop into my legs everytime she took the cellphone to the bathroom with her, and all that stuff whether real, or my imagination playing games, was too much to deal with. even after she swore there was nothing else going on.
be real with yourself, how much can you take, and will you be able to let it go within your mind, so it doesnt eat you alive?
Facebook killed my marriage too.
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Old 05-11-2011, 09:45 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Good luck sky reader
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Old 05-12-2011, 10:50 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Ok, wow. I don't mean to scare you, but your wife is in DEEP if she is proclaiming to him she loves him. There are emotional affairs and there are the ones that are dangerous and your wife's EA falls in that camp, totally. So you need to tackle this quickly.

Quote:
Originally Posted by skyreader View Post
she told him that she loved him with the same deep love as for me, after reading the live posts, I texted her that I love her thru her phone, knowing she was busted. she called me and I told her I was reading there posts, she said it was only a game she was playing
Bullsh-t. There is NOTHING about a game that includes "I love you." that is one of the dumbest excuses ever.

The fact that you told her you saw the conversation means she's going to start hiding it better because she definitely hasn't cut it off despite saying as shown by example here:

Quote:
Originally Posted by skyreader View Post
she said she wouldnt talk to him anymore

she did message him on facebook the other night when i was out working late
The affair is still happening. Know that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by skyreader View Post
dont know whats going to happen when she brings it up about him coming to visit her mom. I really dont want him in my house.
Um. WHAT??!! He doesn't get to go to your house. You make that very clear to him. You have got to be crazy to even be entertaining that.

Also, do you know why his marriage ended? Did his wife leave him because he cheated on her w/ your wife???

Find out!

Time to man up! Don't be a doormat. You tell her under NO uncertain terms: You are fully aware she has not ended all contact w/ him and you will NOT live in a open marriage. That if she cant' adhere to that, then you will take approp. actions including up to and filing for divorce. Then you have to follow through.

Being weak aned sad and crying about why won't she cut it off with him -- is going to work against you so DO NOT do that. You need to do this today.

I'd also call him up and tell him to stay the f away from your wife. He sounds like a jerk.

The longer you wait to do the above, the worse for you and your marriage.

If she won't cut it off, you have to decide if you want to live in a marriage where your wife doesn't respect you and has affairs openly. (It's open now since you discovered it and called her out on it).
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