Asking about the details
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 05-11-2011, 12:58 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Asking about the details

So let me start with a little background. My wife had an Ea and a PA that lasted 2 and a half months. I found out almost 2 months ago. She says it started as an EA only, then became a PA. She has said they had sex 10 times. I'm not sure if I believe her or not. The OM is a cop, and leading up to D-day, he had been threatening me with arrest, saying he will see my wife no matter what, he even sent the cops to my work, accusing me of abusing my wife, which I never have. I had been suspecting an EA, but ever think a PA. On D-day, he had me arrested, after making false accusations,again. I spent 36 hours in jail 15 minutes after finding out about the affair, over the phone by my wife. I didn't even get to talk to my wife after finding out.

I have stayed with my wife, of 10 years, who is very remorseful. We are seeing a MC. I am slowly forgiving my wife, but am having an extremely hard time with the sex part. I can't stop the constant thoughts of her f*$#ing him. I have told her I want to know all the details of the sex. She has told me she has blocked it out, and doesn't remember much. But non the less has agreed to tell me what she remembers and answer my questions. I know there are mixed thoughts on knowing, but I can't move forward with out knowing.

My question to all of you, specifically those who have asked for details of the PA, is what questions do I ask? What questions did you ask of the PA? Do you regret asking, was it worse than you thought? Better? Thank you in advance, forgive me for any mistakes, this is my first post, be gentle on me.
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Old 05-11-2011, 06:11 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Asking about the details

First of all, you need not feel threatened because OM is a cop. What he's doing is completely unethical and is abusing his authority under the color of his badge. You need to file a formal complaint with his police department by going thru internal affairs. You need to document the times and dates that he threatened you with arrest and the dates and times of the false accusations. Internal Affairs will strip him of his badge so fast his will swim.

As for details, its hard to say. If you're the type of person that has to have the details, then you must also steel yourself when you actually get them. It may even make the mind movies worse.
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Old 05-11-2011, 06:54 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Asking about the details

Right now the OM presents a bigger threat and you and your wife need to deal with him. His attack on you could be a cover up for possibly raping your wife. Some cops have done this, been exposed and prosecuted. Ask your wife if he coerced her for sex and if so the two of you file charges against him. This psycho cop needs to be stopped before he does this again to another couple. Don't let this slide.
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Old 05-11-2011, 07:06 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by morituri View Post
Right now the OM presents a bigger threat and you and your wife need to deal with him. His attack on you could be a cover up for possibly raping your wife. Some cops have done this, been exposed and prosecuted. Ask your wife if he coerced her for sex and if so the two of you file charges against him. This psycho cop needs to be stopped before he does this again to another couple. Don't let this slide.
Exactly! Some cops think they can get away with anything just because they have a badge and a gun. This guy needs to be stopped. He is a disgrace to the uniform and doesn't deserve to have his badge.
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Old 05-11-2011, 07:08 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Asking about the details

Sorry for your situation ltjohn. The insult added to injury is just too much. You're a better man than I am. I don't know how I would take the situation.
As far as the details go. Your wife hasn't blocked them out, she doesn't want to tell you. As far as how bad it was or wasn't : Know that she did everything with him that she ever did with you. She probably enjoyed it more than she did with you because it was exciting and new with him. She doesn't want to tell you that. This hurts, I know.
My wife gave me some details. His wife gave me others that she had gotten from, him. I'd lie in bed looking at her and just know where her mouth had been. I once told her that I knew she'd done everything she had with me with him. She told me that they never used toys together. This was just after I had found a new vibrator in the Box O' Joy. I asked her about it after she told me that, and she said she bought it to use with him but never got the chance. She's having to use it alone right now.
I'm not telling you this to hurt you by any means. I just don't want you to have to deal with false hope. It's as bad as you thought. The accusations of abuse probably came from her. People don't tend to have affairs and tell the other cheater that their spouse is a great person. They have to justify what they're doing in some way, and the loyal spouse's faults, whether real or imagined, are the most often used excuse.

Go into this with open eyes. I'm not saying that your wife is a bad person. She made a mistake. There was something that took her to that point. The two of you will have to find out what that is. The details of the affair, no matter how bad they are and no matter how large they seem, are the least of your worries right now.

Good luck, and peace be on you.
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Old 05-11-2011, 07:09 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Asking about the details

First off, it sounds like her blocking the details is probably just a comfort thing. You don't normally block things that you do ten times of your own volition. Afterwards, when she felt intense guilt, she began to seperate herself from the guilt, which will, in my opinion, help her feel less remorse going into a future affair when whatever stimulus in your relationship that led to the affair occurs again. I'm speaking as one who has blocked very traumatic events in the past, but I'm not an expert.

Secondly, if you go to internal affairs, it is your word against the cop and his buddies who are already invested in covering his back in life and death situations. Your wife needs to proactively collaborate with internal affairs on your behalf. Guess what? If you let her off without any 'discomfort', then you can't really blame her the next time she cheats.

Lastly, if you let her off, you've completely become her doormat, and she has the upper hand. It's sad, because you are the victim here.
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Old 05-11-2011, 07:19 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Halien is right. There needs to be real contrition on her part. I personally would dump her. If you just allow her to rug sweep, she will be back screwing around behind your back. She will do it again, because she has/will lose respect for you.
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Old 05-11-2011, 07:21 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Asking about the details

I'm with the others on something is fishy here. #1 talk with your MC by yourself and ask them the questions you asked here. Plus make sure to voice the fact that you wonder if the OM was or was not up to snuff.
If the MC talks individually to your wife, things will come out and eventually your Wife will be able to tell you some details.
It bothered me too what my H did with the OW but I had to let it go or it would consume me. One way I looked at it was my H had been with other women prior to me and I didn't need details of them, so I had to push these details away. You are still fresh into trying to repair so many things will trip you up.
If you love her and she loves you, and you both want to repair and forgive, fight for it. In time honesty and your love for each other will finish this. Whether you remain together or not, you must struggle on toward repair in order to survive.
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Old 05-11-2011, 07:23 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Halien View Post
Secondly, if you go to internal affairs, it is your word against the cop and his buddies who are already invested in covering his back in life and death situations. Your wife needs to proactively collaborate with internal affairs on your behalf. Guess what? If you let her off without any 'discomfort', then you can't really blame her the next time she cheats.
If the police department has any integrity at all, Internal Affairs conducts and investigation on all formal complaints to see if the complaint is unfounded or not. Cops, when faced with the spectre of being involved in an Internal Affairs investigation will not risk their career to cover for a buddys affair. Covering and backing each other up on the street is one thing, lying and getting dragged down because of a buddy's affair is quite another. But yes, it would help immensely if the wife backs it up.
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Old 05-11-2011, 07:23 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Wow. They all deserve one another. Dump her. Then call the state's AG about the cop and press charges. Go to the US DoJ if you have to.
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Old 05-11-2011, 08:02 AM   #11 (permalink)
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I have told her I want to know all the details of the sex. She has told me she has blocked it out, and doesn't remember much.
She remembers, she just doesn't want to tell you as a protective measure. Because she knows what is likely to come from that. And it's not good.

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My question to all of you, specifically those who have asked for details of the PA, is what questions do I ask? What questions did you ask of the PA? Do you regret asking, was it worse than you thought?
As someone who just *HAD* to know the details and asked very detailed questions and got very detailed answers, I can tell you, with 100% certainty, I wish I never did. Because see, you already have pictures in your mind of what happened... KNOWING what actually went down is way worse, IMO. Cause then the pics are more real. I personally know my life would me much better off w/o knowing she gave him a bl-w job and many other intimate details that I just HAAAD to know. Eventually there came a point in that conversation where he told me to "Stop! Stop! Why are you doing this?" And I think in that moment he realized how much it was going to f-ck me up in the head after exposing every detail but it was too late. I'd already asked and he had already told. What's funny and ironic is later I asked him, "What's her name... wait a minute, DON'T tell me her name I swear to goodness- don't say her name!"

I later found out the name but he waffled "Yes/no/maybe." Still denies it to this day. Anytime I hear the name now, it's a trigger. There is someone on TAM who has her same name and year she was born in her handle. It makes me feel ill.

So if you really want to know, go right ahead - but I am telling you, it is going to destroy you way more than you already are. Promise. It will break something inside you. Something precious, that you unfortunately, will never recover from. At least that has been my experience.
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Old 05-11-2011, 09:10 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Thanks for the advice guys. I have filed a formal complaint with his department. He is actually very hated there, he was forced to transfer to this poh-dunk department because of previous actions with other cops wives. Hopefully this horrible cop is fired, and moves. I absolutely hate this guy, and i'm not sure what I'd do if I ran in to him.

As far as details go, still haven't got them yet. She said she would talk last night, but then she was too tired. How convenient. I hope it's less worse than I imagine, I'm not sure if I can handle some worse news. She has told me I'm a better lover, and that he wasn't that good, but I'm not sure what to believe. If i was better, why wasn't she having sex with me, why so many times with him? Ugh....not sure what, if anything from her is the truth.
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Old 05-11-2011, 09:54 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Are you sure you really want to know???
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Old 05-11-2011, 10:37 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by ltjohn View Post
Thanks for the advice guys. I have filed a formal complaint with his department. He is actually very hated there, he was forced to transfer to this poh-dunk department because of previous actions with other cops wives. Hopefully this horrible cop is fired, and moves. I absolutely hate this guy, and i'm not sure what I'd do if I ran in to him.
Don't be stupid and do something you'll regret later. Keep pursuing the matter because a false arrest is no laughing matter and can have negative consequences when looking for employment. File a lawsuit if you need to in order to have those charges dropped and your record cleared.

Quote:
As far as details go, still haven't got them yet. She said she would talk last night, but then she was too tired. How convenient. I hope it's less worse than I imagine, I'm not sure if I can handle some worse news. She has told me I'm a better lover, and that he wasn't that good, but I'm not sure what to believe. If i was better, why wasn't she having sex with me, why so many times with him? Ugh....not sure what, if anything from her is the truth.
Ego and the thrill of doing something forbidden is what drives a lot of cheating spouses to continue having sex with their lovers. They can make what normally would be bad or mediocre sex into an exciting encounter. So in that respect she may be right.

As far as wanting to know the gory details is concerned, be very careful what you ask for. I found out the gory details of my XW's sexual f*ckf*st with the OM via graphic emails and pictures on our computer. To say I was devastated is an understatement and I often wished I had not read and viewed everything that I found. It made reconciliation with my then W impossible and put the nail on the coffin of our marriage so to speak. It didn't matter how much sobbing, pleading to me and self injury to herself my XW did, I could not look at her with the same eyes as before I found out. The old saying 'be careful what you wish for, you just might get it' is very true, in spades.
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Old 05-11-2011, 10:51 AM   #15 (permalink)
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I had to know everything. I asked for extreme detail. I never did get the level of detail I wanted because my wife also claimed to have blocked it all out. She claimed that her head was in a different place and could not remember those details. I think that is odd because it was not long ago and I can remember common everyday details about how I spent those days....So its probably a lie to protect me...or she does not want to revisit those things in her head.

I guess it depends on what you want to know. She should answer any questions you have. But she may not.

I will tell you this....its been 6 month since my d-day and I still wish I had gotten more details. If you do not find out what you need to know now it will continue to haunt you.
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