I have a thread going in the private forum that covers my day to day struggles and attempts to reconnect but I thought i'd post here regarding my VERY complicated EA situation as this is the infidelity section.
For those of you who are familiar with my thread I apologize but I feel 2 threads are warranted here. I'm shortening this to a summary and just to cover how I should handle the EA and if NC is truly always needed.
About 10 mos ago and my wife asked me if she can coach her high school girls basketball team. She said this would only be for 10 weeks and she wouldn't DARE jeopardize our family for basketball.
Basketball season started and she started being absent from the home quite a bit
i'd watch the kids during this time. Initially, I'd drive 30 mins past our house to her moms house to pick up the kids (after my already 1 hr long commute), then drive back home 30 more mins, feed them, bathe them, brush their teeth, and get them ready for bed. By the time i'd be able to sit and eat it would be 8pm after a 2 hr commute. Sometimes when she'd get home I'd let her know I was exhausted with these duties every night and tell her i was frustrated. She told me she'd quit if that's what I wanted and that she WON'T lose our relationship or family over basketball, but I told her that was unnecessary.
During this time, she also started to receive many text msgs from the kids and other coaches -- "what time is practice?", "What uniforms do we wear tonight?" "What time is the bus?", etc. It got to the point to where she'd be texting them when she was home with me as well after the kids were asleep. I made sure to prioritize sitting on the couch at night together and watch tv cuddling so as to get some couple time in. [Also note her txt msg history she started deleting from her phone. Prior to this she'd leave them on the phone for eternity. When I asked her about it she said it seemed to make her phone run faster without the history there.]
Additionally she'd be on facebook checking the girls basketball wall for updates constantly, commenting on pictures of her with the girls and other coaches, etc. Her discussions with me began to be centered around her basketball coaching. She was also constantly looking at the head coaches facebook page, refreshing, looking at his photos of him with his son, etc. It was a bit off putting. I figured I best not comment to keep things cool and not come off as jealous.
I also learned more of the head coach who was a single dad and had a son of his own. Naturally I WAS a bit jealous. This guy gets to hang with my wife all the time and i'm sitting at home by myself waiting for her call, for her to come home, etc.
He also was a basketball whiz, something I am not. I knew from that alone my wife would find him fascinating. I was feeling quite lonely and alienated. I also noticed she started txting him as well regarding the girls, what they were asking, etc. He is also a white guy and his ex was asian just like my wife. I just had a bad feeling about him overall.
I did attend a couple of these games when I was lucky enough to find a separate babysitter and found her to be a bit cold to me during the games. I relaxed a bit when I saw the head coach had a girlfriend (girl b) attending the games.
Fast forward again to her last game of the year. I was excited to have her back with us and the family. Her game was scheduled to end at 10pm, and she was to be home at around 1030ish. I had a yearly work dinner I was going to attend so my father promised he'd be at our house to watch the kids so grandma could leave our place and head back home. At about 730 at night I got a text from my wife saying my father wasn't at our house yet -- he was still over an hr away. Immediately I left my company dinner and headed home. Grandma was relived of her duties and took off as soon as I arrived. A few hours later my father and wife both arrived.
Later in the bedroom I told my wife I was a bit upset as I never have late nights like this and the one time I do *I* have to leave my function early, whereas she has had 10+ weeks of doing things her way and that I was pretty upset.
This is when all hell broke loose. She completely snapped and told me she "Doesn't know" about us anymore. "Doesn't know about anything". She told me she has spoken with a female coworker and "doesn't know anything". I asked her if she meant "separation" and she said she "doesn't know". After some heated exchanges, it was revealed she doesn't think we're working and doesn't know if she WANTS to repair this.
I asked her if there was infidelity and she said "NO!".
She said she doesn't think this is working, that i'm a bad father for complaining about watching the kids all the time and that I am not supportive enough. She also said I don't play with the kids enough which is crazy.
She mentioned her coworkers husband does all the work around the house and her coworker comes and goes as she pleases (He's the homemaker for the record). She also told me her coworker told her "once you've turned around and stepped out it is hard to turn back to the relationship at least for me -- i bet its the same for you". She said she agreed, and told me she had one foot out for quite a while...
The next morning I asked her if she meant what she said the evening before - she said "Yes". (I was hoping it was the glass of wine and the heated moment that made her say those things to me)
A few days later she told me that "The coach was planning to be in mammoth with girl b, but he's not! He's in vegas gambling! He's going to be single!" I thought that was an odd comment she made. She said it in front of her mother and my daughter as well...
In early March my wife and I attended a local college baseball game. It was going to be just us with our kids but she decided to invite the coach and his kid. No problem I thought -- i'd buddy up with this guy. At the game things were a bit odd. I had weird vibes. He'd get txts and I saw my wife getting txts. I also noticed he had scooted to sit closer to her at one point and I also noticed my wife tried to make excuses to go outside the stadium with him alone with our kids. It was odd.
I also bought the guy a beer and played with his kid, but he never reciprocated. Very odd. At one point he told me about his ex and stated that she just "stopped loving me. Once I figured that out I just let her go. I had to. It was rough but I had to deal with it. Broke up the family. Life is like that sometimes". I wasnt sure why he was telling me that but it seemed out of place and awkward.
Fast forward quite a few counseling sessions later and her requesting a separation / D and I find out there is another man. The phone bill showed over 800 txts to the coach during the past 2 mos!!! I also learned she had told her mother there was another man a few weeks earlier and her mother had told her not to mention the OM to ANYONE. Not even the counselors! (Her mother had an affair, divorced her father and is still married to the guy). TO her this is all fine and dandy I suppose...
During this time her story quickly changed from "you are a bad father, to I never loved you, to I don't love you anymore, to I hate you, to you don't listen to me, to (you name the reason).
I know i'm an amazing father, our friends wives have all said they WISH THEIR HUSBAND WAS MORE LIKE ME!
Anyways, she had been txting him complaining about me, and us, how distant we were, how we didnt communicate, etc. It all started I guess when she asked him about his ex, how things went with her, etc.
Apparently the coaches ex told him she just stopped loving him and had to let him go. Turns out she had another man on the side. Through these discussions my wife and him formed a bond. He told her he used to be ME. How he's a changed man. How things used to be his way or the highway. How he didnt used to listen. They'd talk so much so that they'd laugh about me after our counseling sessions, discuss my wife and i's poor communication, etc.
She told me his txts got more and more flirtatious over the month. She told me he confessed he had feelings for her. She told me she reciprocated. They discussed how nice it owuld be to be together and my wife even told me she had sent him an email saying she missed him when he was in vegas that weekend.
She later told me it was an EA and that it wasn't about him. They hugged a few times but never even kissed. It was about the emotional connection. I was heartbroken. She also told me the EXACT same line as the coach "I don't love you anymore, I haven't loved you, you have to let me go". It was eery.
I immediately exposed to everyone I could (her coworkers that i'm friends with, our friends, her friends, her family members, mine, etc). I also started a 180. Note I did NOT expose to the other coaches or to the coach's family (not sure if i should have??).
After a few weeks and most of her friends and family members telling her she's crazy (actually ALL of them except her mom), etc she finally calmed down a bit (she was absolutely insane for a couple weeks there) and told me she was wrong and she'd like to work on the relationship.
Her exact quote was "I'm not sure if i WANT this to work but i'll give it a try for a few months" and "Mom said not only would that be good to give it a try, but it would clear my conscious that at least I gave it a shot". That was early April/late March. A couple weeks later she told me the coach is back with Girl B.
She is now attending IC and MC with me, and I'm attending an IC as well to work through my trust issues as well as my listening skills. I really don't know how much she is "trying" perse. She is going to the sessions, she is doing the homework, but she's still sleeping on the couch and is still distant and cold.
Here's the REAL problem i need to think about and need your help on however.
She told the coach its "over" and that it was inappropriate. She also told him to stop. I've never seen any of these emails (she told me she DID send them and told him that), but I trust her.
Her txting with the coach is now 1-2 txts a week if that. Something was OBVIOUSLY said. Rare emails 1-3 a week all biz based, nothing on facebook that i've noticed, etc.
I did have access to her facebook, emails, phone, txts, etc for the past 2 mos and I have not seen ANYTHING hokey.
The issue remains she is still in contact with him as she is the Asst Coach and still sees him at least 1x a week during practice.
She also likely talks to him via phone from her office a couple times a week for a min here or there if the kids need to talk to him. (her kids sit in her room at lunch). The coach himself works a desk job elsewhere and is coaching during his free time.
I considered asking her to quit basketball or ask for a job transfer but if she quits she would lose her job and we'd lose our house, cars, etc.
A transfer is highly impossible given the CA School District issues of late...
One of her chief complaints with me is that i'm too bossy and controlling so if I lay down the law here and tell her she has to quit I will be taking away the one thing she likes to do (coach basketball). I will also be seen as "Controlling, Jealous, and as having Trust issues".
I have a VERY strong feeling she will leave.
I'm 99.9% positive she will as a matter of fact.
What should I do?
Here's the kicker: last week she told me she'd like to coach the summer league basketball team with the coach. Sigh.
I really think we *may* be able to recover with her coaching through this yr (ending very soon, early june) and then take a hiatus this summer and begin coaching next year with him and the other coaches, but I don't like the idea of her coaching through the summer with him while i'm sitting in an office across town.
If this guy was AT BEST a distraction during our marriage, I don't see why she should be seeing him now during these fragile times of our marriage?
Obviously she DID have feelings for him at one time... Although she has told me NUMEROUS times this wasn't about him at all.
She has also said quite a few times that I need to get over HIM if we want / plan on moving on...
Everytime I bring him up things between us get worse and worse and for the past couple of weeks i've completely dropped discussing him.
Easter Sunday she txted him a few times at 930pm and I got visibly upset. She brought it up in MC and the MC told me that I still had major jealousy issues and trust issues and that I need to get over them in IC.
Lastly, here's the rub:
Her father died last week of a massive heart attack unexpectedly... So all of these discussions and any possible ultimatum i'd need to make would likely be off the table at least for a few weeks.
Help me affair experts! I really do think nothing is going on between them right now.
I do also think that my wife did indeed tell him to cut it out, but my question is -- is it possible for us to recover with her still seeing him a couple times a week in biz environment? Even if it really WASN'T about him like she said?
She did tell me quite a few times prior to the EA that "he isnt a very good looking man" etc.
My heart tells me our best chance for recovery is for her to initiate NC. I just dont think its going to happen. Do I risk it?
If she left after I requested her to initiate NC for the summer i'd never be able to live with myself whereas if I gave her enough rope this summer to coach with him we may work out. Or worst case scenario she has a PA and i'd easily be able to move on and tell her to kick rocks...
You need to close the affair route down, your wife may never see this man again, tell the other coaches why and use the word affair. Every time she sees him or contacts him she is back in the affair. If you value money more then by all means agree to an open marriage, if you value your marriage more she leaves, sell the house move , move the children to another school . If there is to be any chance of you saving your marriage there has to be zero contact for life.
There is no need to write any more, to help you understand the steps buy "surviving an affair " by Harley, it will give you guidance at to what happens in an affair and post affair, your wife is still in the affair. Posted via Mobile Device
You did a lot wrong, your wife may never see this man again, tell the other coaches why and use the word affair. Every time she sees him or contacts him she is back in the affair. If you value money more the by all means agree to an open marriage, if you value your marriage more she leaves, sell the house move , move he children to another school . If there is to be any chance of you saving your marriage there has to be zero contact for life.
What do you think I did wrong? Do you rally think she's still in the affair? I've spent tons of time with her and our kids these past 2 mos and I've yet to see anything hokey between them happen.
What if I ask her to stop coaching and she leaves without quitting coaching? I'd never be able to live with myself. She would tell the kids I wasn't willing to give our relationship a shot, I quit counseling and told her to quit basketball... its lose lose.
You don't think its possible for her to still coach (see him 1-2x a week in a biz capacity?) and work on our relationship? Why has the MC not commented on this then?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Eli-Zor
There is no need to write any more, to help you understand the steps buy "surveying an affair " by Harley, it will give you guidance at to what happens in and affair and post affair, your wife is still in the affair. Posted via Mobile Device
I've read it. I know he advocates No Contact.
Should I lay the law down now and tell her no contact for the summer? Start there and see how we do? This is a dicey situation.
I dont understand what decision there is... she's said she doesn't want to be there but will go through the motions so she can have a clear conscience once she decides to actually leave. You are 99.9% sure she will leave. Why stay?
I'd investigate my household finances for sure. Sounds like she's just preparing for a departure. "Man up!"
Personally, I'd say no contact would be a firm hard boundary. Get and read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy." I am a Nice Guy, unfortunately. Boundaries with my wife have been virtually non-existent. You can tell by my thread if you'd like. I am now learning the importance.
By laying down the boundary, she is likely to respect you more. By laying down as her doormat (as I have unfortunately done for too long), she loses respect for you.
What I do know your marriage will never recover and yes she is still in the affair, every word spoken between them reinforces that. You still have the option to file using adultery as the key reason , if anyone says anything be clear she will not stop seeing the OM , no marriage can survive that. Posted via Mobile Device
I dont understand what decision there is... she's said she doesn't want to be there but will go through the motions so she can have a clear conscience once she decides to actually leave. You are 99.9% sure she will leave. Why stay?
Well i'm 99.9% sure she will leave if I tell her she needs to quit coaching with this guy. Period. Its not the guy - but the students. These are the same kids she teaches everyday so that's the draw for her. Her fav students she also gets to coach in basketball.
If I'm ok with her continuing to coach she may decide she sees how i'm not controlling? She may decide to stay? The coach might continue dating girl b?
Keep in mind one of her biggest complaints about me is that i'm controlling. I'm sure her IC and our MC would have a ball if I told her to STOP coaching as an ultimatum.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2xloser
I'd investigate my household finances for sure. Sounds like she's just preparing for a departure. "Man up!"
Why finances? You mean as if she's moving money around to leave? I doubt it.
She mentioned a week ago about our daughters birthday party in Sept.
What I do know your marriage will never recover and yes she is still in the affair, every word spoken between them reinforces that. You still have the option to file using adultery as the key reason , if anyone says anything be clear she will not stop seeing the OM , no marriage can survive that. Posted via Mobile Device
What I do know your marriage will never recover and yes she is still in the affair, every word spoken between them reinforces that. You still have the option to file using adultery as the key reason , if anyone says anything be clear she will not stop seeing the OM , no marriage can survive that. Posted via Mobile Device
So do you think I should tell her in MC? No Contact going forward. Period. ?
SHould I also send a mail to the vice principal? The other coaches on the team? What about to the coach himself?
What about our MC? Our MC seems to think her still coaching is ok? Her still seeing this guy is ok? If I bring him up i'm sure the MC will say I'm jealous again....
Instead of being trustful follow the advice check the finances in fact move most of it to an account in your name, she either is with you on the marriage bus or she steps away. As you read the book you should be aware of why there must be NC and should know any tolerance of contact is you enabling the affair. Posted via Mobile Device
Instead of being trustful follow the advice check the finances in fact move most of it to an account in your name, she either is with you on the marriage bus or she steps away. As you read the book you should be aware of why there must be NC and should know any tolerance of contact is you enabling the affair. Posted via Mobile Device
I'm in charge of the finances and I've kept a close eye on everything. Nothing has happened yet moneywise to indicate any issues.
Affair wise also things have been quiet. The only emails between them have been all biz based.
What is the problem then, your are unhappy she is in contact with the OM , we are all telling you she must cease contact, you know what to do , risk or no risk you cannot live like this. Either she will end up having sex with him because the contact is ongoing or you shut this down now, take the pain and your marriage survives or if she runs off she will find out divorce is a lot more difficult especialy when all including the children know it is due to her adultery. Posted via Mobile Device
What is the problem then, your are unhappy she is in contact with the OM , we are all telling you she must cease contact, you know what to do , risk or no risk you cannot live like this.
Well I can live like this if I feel like she's working on the relationship. I can't tell now with her fathers' passing however...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Eli-Zor
Either she will end up having sex with him because the contact is ongoing or you shut this down now, take the pain and your marriage survives or if she runs off she will find out divorce is a lot more difficult especialy when all including the children know it is due to her adultery. Posted via Mobile Device
What about the third option, where she coaches, keeps it biz only with him, and our marriage survives? Is that impossible?
No it is not possible if anything she will go underground, fact. Ok try this call Harley the author of the book he runs the marriagebuilders.com site , book a phone in session for you and your wife. If you want to recover your marriage he will give both of you the tools to cut through this . Posted via Mobile Device
Well i'm 99.9% sure she will leave if I tell her she needs to quit coaching with this guy. Period. Its not the guy - but the students. These are the same kids she teaches everyday so that's the draw for her. Her fav students she also gets to coach in basketball.
I can see where she's coming from. Having consequences for her actions would totally suck. Hell, she might not want to have an affair again if she knew you meant business. It's no fun knowing you can't get away with anything you want.
Oh, and don't get me started on expecting her to quit basketball. I mean, these are the children she sees every day! If she can't see her favorite students more than once, she might fall apart. Literally. To pieces. We can't have that, can we?
Think logically about what would happen to her if she quit basketball. If she left you because she couldn't see Little Louie multiple times each day, would you really want to be with her? She's just as controlling as she claims you are. She is playing you like a fiddle.
Help Me A/K/A my EA help thread 
