Just found out my husband is cheating..
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 05-12-2011, 07:08 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Just found out my husband is cheating..

and I'm numb. Actually I go from freaked out to depressed to *sad* to hatred then to numb all in the same hour. I don't want a divorce, we have two little children :crying:

It turns out my husband is meeting other men. Why does part of me want to ignore it... for the sake of the children. That can't happen, can it? This is going to be messy and I feel like I've been run over by a truck.

We haven't had sex in about 3 months and honestly... I don't have the desire because I've had a little inkling that this was happening and I was afraid to have sex with him for fear of disease.

He lied to me yesterday when I found a bit of evidence... he said "I don't accuse you of cheating, and I'm sick of you insinuating I did because I never have and I never will."

At that moment I thought "OK, maybe I'm wrong... then I checked his computer. He was private browsing but I found the evidence anyway.

Part of me does want to tell him I know something is up and just stop it... don't talk to me right now.. but stop what you are doing. To divorce, this would devastate our kids, our little family... Plus we have tremendous debt and no money.UGH I hate him right now.
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Old 05-12-2011, 08:02 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just found out my husband is cheating..

Should I confront him today?
What should I do, my brain is mush today... my poor kids.
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Old 05-12-2011, 08:09 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Should I confront him today?
What should I do, my brain is mush today... my poor kids.
Is your evidence 100 percent? Don't do anything while you're mush. I wish a more experienced member would chime in. Wait til one of them advise you. And I'm sorry!
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Old 05-12-2011, 08:26 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Is your evidence 100 percent? Don't do anything while you're mush. I wish a more experienced member would chime in. Wait til one of them advise you. And I'm sorry!
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THanks, yup I'm 100% sure.
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Old 05-12-2011, 08:34 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just found out my husband is cheating..

Don't act on anything while you're this upset. It will only make things worse.

A really good friend of mine has a husband who was in the closet about being gay for years. She found out he was sleeping with the same man for 10 years of their marriage. She has three kids with this guy. They love each other and stay together to raise their kids but they have an open marriage now. She has a steady boyfriend and so does he. I've had them over for dinner parties all together and I'm still amazed at how well they get along.

My point is, this doesn't have to be the end of your marriage. You get to define what your marriage is with your husband. I would talk to him about this once this initial shock and anger calms down a bit. I know it's hard but try to come from a place of understanding...imagine how hard his life must be for him and how torn he must be? He loves you but he's attracted to men...I can't fathom how confusing and depressing it must be for him to lead a double life like that.

((((((hugs)))))) I'm so sorry you're going through this. Another option is to take the steps to start making sure you're covered in the event of a divorce. Talk to a lawyer and find out what your rights are and find out what the best course of action would be at this point.
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Old 05-12-2011, 08:39 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Don't act on anything while you're this upset. It will only make things worse.

A really good friend of mine has a husband who was in the closet about being gay for years. She found out he was sleeping with the same man for 10 years of their marriage. She has three kids with this guy. They love each other and stay together to raise their kids but they have an open marriage now. She has a steady boyfriend and so does he. I've had them over for dinner parties all together and I'm still amazed at how well they get along.

My point is, this doesn't have to be the end of your marriage. You get to define what your marriage is with your husband. I would talk to him about this once this initial shock and anger calms down a bit. I know it's hard but try to come from a place of understanding...imagine how hard his life must be for him and how torn he must be? He loves you but he's attracted to men...I can't fathom how confusing and depressing it must be for him to lead a double life like that.

((((((hugs)))))) I'm so sorry you're going through this. Another option is to take the steps to start making sure you're covered in the event of a divorce. Talk to a lawyer and find out what your rights are and find out what the best course of action would be at this point.
Thanks for the hugs and advice. I am so hurt and I want to call him at work right now and tell him I know everything. I'm not going too, I just... i don't even know what to say through these tears. Open marriage. Sigh. I can't believe I'm contemplating that but I am... I feel so sick. I feel so so sick.
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Old 05-12-2011, 08:43 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just found out my husband is cheating..

Just remember all your feelings are normal.It's ok to be hurt and angry,sick,shocked...when you do finally talk to him about it, don't let him make you think you're wrong for feeling the way you do. Bottom line is he is deceiving you and you have a right to be furious about it.

But as with all things, it will be better to handle it as calmly as possible. He's expecting you to blow up when you find out so throw him off by being calm and collected.
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Old 05-12-2011, 08:48 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Just remember all your feelings are normal.It's ok to be hurt and angry,sick,shocked...when you do finally talk to him about it, don't let him make you think you're wrong for feeling the way you do. Bottom line is he is deceiving you and you have a right to be furious about it.

But as with all things, it will be better to handle it as calmly as possible. He's expecting you to blow up when you find out so throw him off by being calm and collected.
I think I do this. Am I suppose to act like nothing is going on? Should I try to act "normal"? I think the kids and I are going to be spending a lot of extra time out of the house.
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Old 05-12-2011, 08:55 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Do not ever compromise and throw the open marriage thought out of the window. Print out copies of the evidence , secure an electronic copy where your husband cannot find it. When you confront you are not negotiating, you are stating facts, be calm and do not agree to anything until you have a clear mind and ask for advice here. Show him the evidence, tell him you are aware of his affair with another man and that is not what you signed up to when you married him. He will take a couple of routes , be open and honest , lie and deny or blame you. As you cannot verify his honesty don't believe him.

Make it clear the affair ends now, tell him before he touches you again you want him tested for STD's .

Call your parents and his and tell them of the affair, in your case you may be embarrassed as it is with a man however be clinical and follow through with this, you do not want an angry husband who has deceived his marriege and lied about his sexual preferences gaslighting you to everyone plus you will need support.

Be strong don't blink, if you feel you are losing control step away from him and tell him to give you space.
Do not leave the house , if push comes to shove he leaves.

Hang in there get past this first , breathe then post again.
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Old 05-12-2011, 08:58 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just found out my husband is cheating..

I think that you should first make a plan of action. Come up with several different plans. If you want to stay married to him and he wants to stay married to you...make a plan for how you're going to do this and what boundaries will be in place for this to happen.
If you want to leave him, make a plan to see your lawyer before talking to him about anything. Your lawyer will then tell you what to do.

If you do plan on staying together, counseling is a MUST for your situation. The counselor will help the two of you formulate guidelines for whatever type of marriage you feel you can handle at this point.
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Old 05-12-2011, 09:02 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just found out my husband is cheating..

You are in a tough situation. For most people, having an open marriage with a gay spouse is very, very difficult to pull off, and personally, I don't know if that dynamic is something you would want to model for your children.

You need to be tested for STDs right away. This is a serious health risk for you and you need to know asap if you have been exposed.

There is a fabulous website called survivinginfidelity.com that is the best website I've ever found for support for infidelity. The boards are very active and all deal with how to cope with all aspects of cheating - confrontation, collecting evidence, reconciling, divorce, new beginnings, etc. Check it out.

It sounds like your husband is gay and that is usually a deal breaker for most hetero marriages.

I would see a lawyer ASAP and save the evidence you have just in case you need it down the line. Your H could also be a sex addict, but I don't know enough about your situation to know how likely that might be. If he is a sex addict, you would want to protect your kids from exposure to his behavior, so saving the evidence you found is key. It will also help you when you confront him and he tries to deny what he's doing. So save everything you can.

A lawyer will let you know what your rights are and how to protect yourself and your kids. You don't have to act on anything, but knowing your rights is always a good thing.

Sorry you are going through this!!! Can you see a therapist or tell one close friend what is going on?
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Old 05-12-2011, 09:03 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Here is some reading: go to affaircare.com under articles and marriagebuilders.com under articles , both will give you a good start as to the processes to follow and the journey we will guide you through.
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Old 05-12-2011, 09:17 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just found out my husband is cheating..

Survivinginfedity.com ---- ok I'll look at that today.

I am thinking about which friend to tell. I'll get tested for STD's asap and I'll check out the articles at affairs.com and marriagebuilders.

I have to get off line now because I have a million things to do (how will I do them? <said through tears?>????

Thanks for all the advice and support already this morning.
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Old 05-12-2011, 10:30 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just found out my husband is cheating..

The problem with open marriages is that they work only in very strong marriages where the primary relationship with their spouse is the more important one. In these situations, each of the spouses is more than willing to end the open marriage if it is causing harm to the other.

Even with men, sex is the most intimate act between two people and it is often the precursor to developing a very strong emotional bond between them. A spouse may end up falling in love with the boyfriend/girlfriend and choose to leave his/her spouse for their lover.

If it's too hard for you to keep the evidence you discovered about your husband a secret, then go ahead and confront him with the truth. But know this, if you choose to do so then please show him some emotional fortitude by fighting the urge to crumble into a weak, pathetic looking mess of a human being. Calmly, respectfully and quietly show him the evidence. If you do this, he may feel safe enough to admit the truth to you. It's tough but it is more productive than showing him that you can't handle the truth.

I wish you good luck.
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Old 05-12-2011, 10:34 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Just found out my husband is cheating..

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Why does part of me want to ignore it... .


Because you're in denial. And denying the truth is very unhealthy. If you have evidence, don't tell him what proof you have but say "I am fully aware that you are looking to cheat/have cheated with other men. I will not live in an open marriage and etc."

Get tested for STDs. Staying for the kids is wrong in a situation like this. The thing is, does he even like women? Is he only into men? Sure, you could stick around and waste your life away while he gets to live the life of "straight" man/the facade of a happy family and have all his needs met while you get what... crumbs?

if that is what you signed up for, great. For me, I'd want more out of life than just being the Wife on paper and the Wife and Mother to fit society's little square.
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