My full story is in another post; unfortunately it's a common one. My wife had a running EA/PA with a 'family friend'... we as a couple know them as a couple, and our children know each other. I discovered after it was really already over. She's in full disclosure, transparency, and seeking forgiveness and R.
I'm trying to take time, sort it through, MC, and give the R attempt a fair shot. Rightly or wrongly, part of my R must include action regarding the OM. There is no option where I simply take the high road and let it go.
The thing I'm stuck about is having no good options for dealing with the OM before/unless I decide I'm out & leave (then it's game-on, and I'm comfortable with any and all carnage I leave)... but meanwhile, during the R attempt:
On the one hand I don't want to go to jail for beating him senseless. On the other, telling his wife obviously then leaves my family/home vulnerable to actions he may pursue (he is slighly unstable). He works at home; I commute an hour away and don't feel I can protect my home properly. Additionally, the wives (mine and his) are acquainted, formerly better friends and share a common circle of friends. Telling her, surely will then have my wife labeled what she is in the community... if I leave that is fine. If I stay, however, that is not what I want.
My latest thought is find him, tell him, and tell him that either he tells his wife and then have his wife call me so I know she got the story, or I will...... but the repurcussion fears still hold true.
Thoughts?
Also, he was in my house, and I can't get it out of my mind. Anyone ever just up & sell their home and move to resolve this constant reminder?
Tell his wife , if yours gets labeled so be it, move home you do not need the trigger, a change in scenery does wonders. So what if his wife leaves him, if you are concerned about his reaction to your home and family then your fear will always keep you in his shadow. The decisions are easy to make it's the will power to act on them. Posted via Mobile Device
One of the reasons for full disclosure is to bring a wayward spouse back and to bring them back in touch with reality. Your wife ended the affair on her own. Furthermore, she is fully cooperating to reconcile with you. I may stand alone here, but I would not tell the OM's wife. The risks clearly out weigh the benefits.
You and your wife don't need to socialize in any way with this couple though. And a move closer to your work may be in order. That would give you a fresh start as a couple.
Talk to him, man to man, and reach a gentleman's agreement that he stay away from your W. If you have to, get it in writing, and warn him that you are considering a restraining order-if he violates it, not only is his a** going to jail, but you will sue him.
That's a tough decision. Generally, the reason to expose the A to the other BS is to kill the affair, plus it's the right thing to do. On the one hand, your fWW is in full disclosure, is transparent, and is working hard on the R. On the other hand, there are consequences to exposure for your wife.
If you plan to confront the OM in person, I think you should protect yourself by having a VAR on your person, that way up you can protect yourself from any false accusations.
Also, I have read in other forums that other people have ended up selling their home and relocating because that home was a constant trigger for them. Others simply redecorate their home by repainting it, changing furniture, etc, so that it triggers less memories. So it all depends how much of a trigger this home is for you.
A RO is very difficult to obtain without evidence of some kind of threat , the closest you can come to it is a harrasment charge. Tell his wife she deserves know as would you if someone had the decency to let you know before you found out the hard way. Send her an email, give her the evidence she needs and walk away, furthermore with his wife on his case you have more of a guarantee he will not chase your wife plus if he does come near your family you can state is doing so out of malace.
It takes away any uncomfortableness for stopping future interaction between your two families. Do note a lot of affairs restart between the same affair partners, some decades later, due to the affair not being killed properly , your task is to ensure the OM is out of the way permanently.
There are a number of posters on this site and the MB site who have disclosed the affair to the betrayed spouse and have never looked back with doubt, some have done this years later. Posted via Mobile Device
Just my .02 - (BTW new to the forums, have not told my story yet)
I had my wife contact in person the OM and tell him he had the weekend to tell his wife. At this meeting after my wife said to him it was over and how she couldn't believe she even got involved with him, he came back with some comments about how she would be back and she couldn't resist...bla bla bla even after the OM told me on the phone he was super sorry etc. My wife came home super pissed and picked up the phone and called the OM wife. Left a message. She called back a while later and I happen to answer the phone. (Coming into it I thought I would be hearing a woman going nuts on the phone and how she was going to destroy the OM for his cheating) I answered and talked to a well spoken woman, she was calm and collected and almost sounded beat down emotionally. She then proceeded to tell me that it figures that her husband was cheating because she was cheating also. She proceeded to tell me how bad she felt for me because out of the 4 of us involved, I was the only honest one that had not cheated and I was getting screwed in the deal. She talked about how the OM her husband, was violent toward her in the past, and how he got over alcoholism, etc. She then said she was too old to go back on the market and she said she was just going to roll over and take it.
I was hoping for destruction and chaos.... I got nothing I thought I would.
I would say do it, but don't expect much out of it.
In my case I knew the OM from my past. Went to school with him but had no contact for about 10-15 years. He and my wife started talking on Facebook (are you suprised?). They has an EA and minor PA.
I too was faced with how to handle the OM. In my situation my wife is 1000% working on our marrige and had no problem cutting off contact. As a matter of fact, they had ended it just before I found out. Turns out he was a jerk for cheating my wife, but he just could not let himself go all the way with her.
So, naturally I wanted to tell his live in girlfriend.....wait a few weeks to let him suffer...and then do something that would land me in prison for the rest of my life. Obvoiusly I could not do all that because I love my wife and I have 2 young kids.
What I did do was contact him and pretty much force him to meet me face to face. I went off on him for about 2 hours. Turns out he is a pretty messed up guy. I got a sob story from him that I was not expecting. Well that day did change things for me. I started seeing him as a human. I also understood what would happen to him if his girlfriend found out. Its an unusual situation, but he's a fireman that works 48 hour shifts. If she left his house he would lose the full custody of his 14year old son from a prevoius marrige. I believe this to all be true.
Well I figured that I did not need to punish his kid. His kid didn't deserve that. So I let the OM know exactly what I was going to do to him if he ever set foot near my wife again (i did not put that in writing for obvoius reasons) and left it at that.
But......I still kind of wish I had told the girlfriend. When the kids 18 I probably will. And if my wife an I ever split I'm just going back to good ol plan A.
All I am saying is you think one thing will come out of this, but from what I am hearing the party that got cheated on never can make it back no matter what they do. You have been thrust into the world of cheating and there is no going back ever. Don't think by doing something rational or irrational will make it all better because it will never get you whole.
My latest thought is find him, tell him, and tell him that either he tells his wife and then have his wife call me so I know she got the story, or I will...... but the repurcussion fears still hold true.
Nope. You honestly think he's going to tell his wife just cause you told him to?! No offense but
You tell his wife on your own. And don't let your wife or OM know before you do it.
Don't beat him up. Don't even talk to him. He's not worth YOU getting into trouble.
Nope. You honestly think he's going to tell his wife just cause you told him to?! No offense but
You tell his wife on your own. And don't let your wife or OM know before you do it.
Don't beat him up. Don't even talk to him. He's not worth YOU getting into trouble.
My thought was have him tell her, and have her call me to confirm she got the full story.... ie, if I don't get a phone call from her by xx time, I will be calling her...
My thought was have him tell her, and have her call me to confirm she got the full story.... ie, if I don't get a phone call from her by xx time, I will be calling her...
And you really really believe he will do you the favor of that? The same man who slept with your wife and lied to his own wife about it??? What makes you think he's going to do anything for YOU?
Giving him a time constraint just gives him time to get his story straight, to backpedal, and say "X's husband may be calling you --he is totally insane and thinks we were having an affair so I am just warning you...that guy is totally nuts... in fact I may even have to have a talk with him."
He will turn it around on YOU. I am 90% sure of this.
This falls under the same camp of people who ask their cheating spouses... Are you cheating on me? and the spouse says NO and yet they are.
I've had to surpress my more vengeful instincts towards the OM, as he, my wife and I all work together. Although I did tell his wife (with my wife's blessing and assistance), resulting in his divorce (which he always claimed he wanted...til it was staring him in the face), I've forced myself to take the high road in all other ways. It's not easy at all. Only one close friend at work knows the whole score, but my dislike of him is no secret (even if the reason for it is).
Some days, I'm amazed at my restraint. Some days, I just want to say to hell with the consequences and pummel him to a bloody pulp in the parking lot. Truthfully, I figured he'd be fired long ago, just because he does a piss-poor job. The day he finally does go out the door for one reason or another can't come soon enough. Posted via Mobile Device
Dealing with the OM 
