Emerson

Here's the background:

I was involved with a married man (Mark) from 1994-1999 (I was in my early-mid 20's and Mark's six years older). His wife found out about it about half way through. He had two small children. During the last two years I tried to end it and date other men. Many, many times we would start seeing each other again. In 1999, I met a wonderful man whom I married in 2001. I did not see Mark at all during this time. I didn't live in the same town as Mark when we were seeing each other, but my husband did. It is a town of less than 5000 people and we've lived here since 2001.

Since 2001, I had no contact with Mark except a couple casual conversations at the gas station and post office when we ran into each other. Nevertheless, I never stopped thinking about him and would look for him whenever I drove around hoping to see him. My husband and I rarely "went out" but when we did I, the possiblity of seeing Mark was what excited me about going out.

My husband and I were intimate only 1-2 times a month for most of our marriage. It worked fine for us as neither of us really had any great desire. My desire was almost non-existant and many times I would "pretend" it was Mark to enjoy it. Despite this, I felt happy in my marriage. We have two children under 6.

About 3 months ago, I called Mark at his office. He is still married, but also still feels exactly the same as he did in the early nineties. It's hard to convey to you reading this post how geniune his love is. It's amazing how he looks at me and I can feel the pain in his heart. He still carries in his wallet a movie stub from a movie we went to together that really touched him. He cut out a picture that was in our newspaper of me from 2005 and carries it in his wallet. Whenever I see him now he often is at times on the brink of tears because the likelihood of the two of us being together is even more complicated now that I also have family.

Last week, he met me several times in the morning before work just to say good morning. All day long I think about him and how much I want to kiss him. We did kiss twice last week.

I try to "push" him away because I know nothing good is going to come of this. At the same time, I find myself thinking about him constantly and hoping he'll call me at work which he often has been doing. I text him little messages. I continually think of places we could go to be alone or ways we could spend the night together.

I really do not want to get divorced especially when I have a wonderful husband. He is extremely nice, handsome, funny, intelligent and we have almost no arguments. He is a fabulous father and it breaks my heart to think of our children not having their Mom and Dad together. However, he is not nearly as passionate and loving as Mark. I know Mark would do ANYTHING for me whereas I don't feel like my husband's love is quite as deep. I honestly don't think my love is as deep either.

I've told my husband that I want more romance and I need more affection. He did nothing different. I again said that I wanted more affection and "loving" and that the last time I told him that he did nothing. He agreed, but still nothing has changed. I feel like I don't love him like I love Mark. He's more of a roommate that raises our children with me. My husband does have many qualities that I prefer in comparison to those same qualities in Mark (more intelligent, attractive, financially stable, etc.). Yet, if I could start all over again I would have married Mark instead had I had a chance.

So, here I am. Feeling like I need to stop seeing and talking to Mark to save my marriage yet at the same time knowing Mark is my true love and soul mate. I wish my husband would love me as intensely as Mark does. I know the answer is to forget about what will make me truly happy and to "do the right thing" and work on my own marriage. I just feel really down right now. I would so miss the friendship I have with Mark if I have to stop talking to him again. We both know that in 8 years of not being in contact with each other we still love each other as much as we used to--nothing changed.

Blanca

I had a guy like this when i was with my H. I had been with him prior to meeting my H. He was a blast. Rich, funny, cute, and totally in to me. but newly divorced so i didnt want to get too involved.

Anyways, my H and i started having problems and there was TOM (the other man). I started emailing TOM and shared a dream i had about him, which my H found.

Those are the deciding moments. Make a choice. I completely cut all contact with TOM and havent heard from him in years. He emailed me a couple of times saying how much he missed me, yadda, yadda, but id made my choice.

Tell your H that even though he's a great dad, friend to you, etc you've decided to go. I really do not say this to make you feel guilty but the reality is it will destroy your family (and his). Your kids will never be the same. And TOM, of course he's fun for you right now. He's nothing but fun. Once reality sets in and you both take on your roles, its not fun anymore. I really do not say this to be mean, but i just cannot understand how lightly some people take their roles as parents. it really just baffles me.

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"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie

draconis

If your TOM was really that good for you don't you think he would have left his wife for you. Face it he used you for romance, sex whatever. But he was never commited to you and never had to be.

Meanwhile you are spliting your attention between your husband and this guy from the affair. You are cheating yourself out of your marriage.

It (marriage) will never be as good because you will not let it be.

draconis

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justean

you cant have everything in life. when it comes to a relationship, same thing applies - why destroy that. just try and make it better.
as for the other fella, he wil turn out to be someone that wont leave or give up anything in the end and what have you lost , everything and for what nothing.
he wont leave his wife and as for the true love and soul mate, why did you both move on in the first place?
you could destroy 2 marriages here and break his wife and your husbands heart and the children. ppl do think the grass is greener, its not, its only more sour on the edge of the field.
because in the end - it wil become that - the end all over again.

kiran23

Hurting08

I am currently going through an identical situation but in my case I am the H, and while we are trying to work it out and save our family, my wife still isn't sure if she should stick around or chase a "what if". I'm pretty sure you can guess where I stand on your situation.

I think the fact that you are on here and asking for advise tells me that you are in some ways wanting to let go and save your marriage. I only hope for your husbands sake you can figure it out before he has to find out. The one thing that I am trying to get my wife to is realize what is right, and if any part of her still wants that life, then she needs to give her family a chance. There will always be "what if's" in our life, and you you spend you time and emotions pondering that, you will never be satisfied. I feel you should learn to be happy with what you have, and if things need to change, have a serious discussion with your husband and let him know how serious you are about the change. I completely agree with what's been said above about the grass not being greener, and realizing after breaking up two families, you still may not have solved anything.

I hope for yours, your husbands and your kid's sake that you can figure this out. As I've told my wife, there's a reason why you are still with your husband even after all of the prior chances to be with the other guy.



Now if I can just find a way to convince my wife.

Hurting08

One more thing I'd like to add...

In my situation, I feel that because my wife has allowed herself to stay emotionally attached to the other guy, it has allowed her to be partially drawn away from me. I feel if she can put aside the feelings for the other guy, things will start to get better for us, and if we are able to repair the damage that's been done and make our marriage the one we always wanted, the other guy won't be an option anymore.

martino

Emerson,

I went through almost the same exact situation, I almost left my wife, then my gf took in a boyfriend that turned her on to Wiccan religion and eventually satan worship. Then I realized that she wasn't the person I "thought" I knew. She was far more gullible and impressionable than I realized. It was the "forbidden fruit" that tempted me and I indulged. We cut off all contact and after a while it seems like the wife and I grew much closer. Things aren't perfect now but much better. If you moved in with that guy, you may find yourself having the same issues that you are now with your hubby. Listen to your gut instinct...your gut has told you to stay obviously so stay and end all contact with him. Tell him you want to end all contact.

kprtyqn

I was like that in the early 80s, lived with a guy i loved but had a relationship with a guy from another town for nearly 3 yrs. But like anything i realized we are only human, but i chose to leave both and be with someone i wanted to be with. Someone i would actually make a committment to without the temptations anymore.
I was glad at the time i had made the choice, the one i lived with ended up going back into his drug habit and the other man from out of town ended up already have someone without me knowing

draconis

So while you were cheating you where cheated on?

How ironic.

draconis

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Emerson

Mark (TOM) showed up at my work this morning and we had a long conversation. We know it is better for all parties involved if we do not allow this to go any further. We realize that if in 8 years of hardly even talking we both feel as intensely as before, then those feelings are likely not going to go away.

Nevertheless, we need to stop this. I am personally becoming a paranoid, nervous wreck and feel like I'm cheating everyone. It's not going to be easy, but if either of the spouses found out, it would definitely not be good. It would be easier if my marriage was terrible but I can't break up a family that's not broken. My husband is a wonderful man and doesn't deserve to be treated like this.

I knowthat deep down, my heart will still long for Mark (TOM). I know your probably thinking "just let it go", but after all this time, I know I can't entirely do that. I honestly think that we will have our time, it's just not in the near future.

I'm not sure I have the willpower, but I'm going to really try. I'll keep you updated.

Hurting08

That sounds exactly like what my wife is saying now. She has already stepped out on me once 7 years ago (we've been married for 10), and says if we can make us work, that she can't promise it won't happen again.

I'm sure a lot of it is hope on my part, but I believe that the fact that because she has held on to these feelings for TOM, that she hasn't allowed herself to get as emotionally involved with me over the years. She has always held onto the back door option in case we didn't work, and in fact that is exactly why we aren't working at this point. I feel that as long as you can put asside your feelings for TOM and focus on your husband and your marriage, you may be able to regain some of those feelings at home, which will only make shutting down feelings for TOM that much easier in the future.

If you can talk to your husband about what you may be lacking and get him to start working on mutual happiness with you, there may come a time when TOM doesn't matter anymore.

alone

Funny, when I started to read this I thought it might have been my wife posting this. I'm in the same situation, but its my wife that feels the other man is her soul mate. I just discovered yesterday that she is having an affair with him. It came out in a public place and now my life and the life of everyone we know and love is devastated. Now she gets her soul mate at the sacrifice of everything she holds dear. Sorry, I could go on and on, but it hurts too much. Don't do it Emerson, you have no idea how many lives you will destroy. The grass is not greener over there. Love is a choice, not an uncontrollable feeling.

Hurting08

Alone, I'm right there with you. This weekend my wife proposed the "stay to gether and have an open marriage idea". Not looking good at this point.

Wiccan

Just to let you know, the wiccan religion is NOT satan worshiping