OK. You all know my story. I am in the midst of a divorce that my wife has filed on me. She also has/had been in an extramarital affair, one that is full of a lot of.....dirt.
We are in "separation mode" now, but still living in the same house. My wife wants to vacate soon so she can shack up with her new beau.....who is also MARRIED (god, that just kills me).
Anyway, before the papers were even filed, and before I even knew about the affair I started to sleep in our downstairs guest bedroom, voluntarily, while she sleeps in what was our marital bedroom. I did state at one point why should I be the one to vacate to the less desirable bedroom, but to save on contention I just continued to sleep there.
Our house has three full baths. One master bathroom (the one which we both always use), the hall-room bath (kids use that one), and one downstairs near the guest bedroom where I now sleep. Well, I tried to shower there one morning and I did not like it. The room is dark and a little dank, and I did not like the shower head or water pressure. I also don't like showering in the kids bathroom because the tub is usually strewn with toys and stuff. I basically like showering in the same shower I have been for 8 years in the master bedroom that my wife and I shared.
So I've been doing that for awhile now, on occasion crossing paths with the soon to be ex. This morning, she started a fight with me and told me "I am no longer allowed to use the master bathroom because it is HER space, and until she moves, that is the rule. Well, I stood my ground and said "no", this is still my house, and still my bedroom. I like this shower I am showering here". She got very vocal and at one point seemed like she was going to try to physically stop me from entering the shower. I walked in and she yelled "This is your last shower here", and I said, no it isn't. She started to balk about "respect" and my lack of respect is why our marriage has ended. Meanwhile, my wife is the one who has had the marital affair while constant lying to me, and has a huge reputation of being a very disrespectful person towards many others. I must admit, I kept my cool, but just stood my ground. No! I am continuing to use this shower. She was quite vocal and angry.
Should I have just said, "alright", I'll shower elsewhere to save on additional contention. I hate contention and battles, but I also do not want to be a pushover.
Also note that this mornings scene came closely after my wife found out from her attorney certain stipulations I have regarding temporary custody and money matters regarding moving details. She's not happy/frustrated with the stipulations, and I'm sure her reactions this morning were as a result of that to a degree.
I'm proud of myself for (1) standing my ground and (2) not letting my own emotions fly. I have vowed to do that with my kids in the house.
The respect comment kills me though. I wouldn't be surprised if she tried to provoke me. She tries to paint me "as a loose cannon" to everybody now, which is so, so frustrating and maddening to me, mainly because it is not fair nor accurate.
I certainly empathize with the notion "to make her life miserable". However, I am just about past that stage. I've vented my anger and frustrations towards many friends and family, and speak with my counselor to help me "let go". (This board is a good place to vent as well). Any recent vents towards her have been by text or email, but they have stopped now too. It does me no good and she would never listen and see the reality of her wrong doings anyway. She is a chick who will probably never get out of "The Fog". I will always be to blame for her horrendous behaviors, which is what maddens me more than anything else.
I will always be tied to this woman, (for better or worse) because of our two adoring kids. Holding on to that anger, or going out of my way to sleight her will only keep the anger in, and that is not good for me or my kids. The time between now and D-Day has not been long, so justifiably I obviously still harbor bad feelings, and probably will for some time, but I am doing my best to vent outside my house for the sake of my kids and to give the best chance that in the future, me and the soon to be ex will get along...for the sake of my kids. In other words, turning off the water, although would be quite humorous...it isn't going to do any of us any good. I have no plans to try to make my soon to be ex miserable, but WILL do ANYTHING to protect MY interests, and my kid's interests. If contention develops out of that, so be it.
The shower incident was all her doing. She created that awkward moment, and I think her motivation may been to make ME be miserable. I will try to be civil, but again, I won't be a pushover. ("OK Dear...anything you say....if you don't want me in this space, I'll go elsewhere.....whatever you want!) My God, is that what she expects me to do after what she has done to me and my family....not to mention another family?? Geez! The nerve. She didn't even ask me in a tone like "Dude, I'd really appreciate it if you...She actually yelled it and demanded it, like I'm the a--hole. Man, that's maddening.
She sure has some nerve! She's the one destroying the marriage and abandoning your family. This is YOUR home, she is leaving it to be with her OM, who will throw her under the bus eventually. You were right to stand your ground and not put up with her crap.
This is not about making her miserable. This is about taking a stand and establishing boundaries. I would protect yourself though. Get a VAR and turn it on when around her in case she tries to call the police on you for anything. She is the one disrespecting you with her A and abandoning you and the family for her OM. Don't fall for her blame shifting!
While I'm not suggesting that you look forward to the day that your STBXW and her OM will self destruct their relationship, take comfort in the knowledge that the odds are steep that it will work out into a successful relationship. Furthermore, both of them have shown their belief that betrayal is a justified action if you find someone "better" than your present spouse. This belief has set the stage for a future betrayal by one or both of them.
Keep on being a good father and improve yourself as a human being. A life well lived is the best revenge.
Sorta what morituri said, but how loud are we gonna hear laughs when she has definitely left, goes to the other man, and realizes that he won't leave his W, and she is left empty-handed?
While I'm not suggesting that you look forward to the day that your STBXW and her OM will self destruct their relationship, take comfort in the knowledge that the odds are steep that it will work out into a successful relationship. Furthermore, both of them have shown their belief that betrayal is a justified action if you find someone "better" than your present spouse. This belief has set the stage for a future betrayal by one or both of them.
Keep on being a good father and improve yourself as a human being. A life well lived is the best revenge.
Statistics show the success rate of relationships borne of affairs are only between 3%-5%. MM very rarely leave their wives, and if they do, they usually try to go back. The saying "if he cheats with you, he will cheat on you" and "if you marry a man that cheats on his wife, you marry a man that cheats on his wife" holds true in many cases.
From the many storeis that I've seen, when a woman is cheating, the woman is more likely to leave her marriage while the OM is more likely to throw her under the bus and stay in his. Then the wayward wife ends up being alone. While this happens a lot, just don't bank on it. Just something to think about.
Stand your ground, it's your house, you are the betrayed spouse, SHE is the wayward spouse. You are in the right to stand your ground and don't give in to the crocodile tears when they turn on the waterworks.
Was I right to stand my ground here? 
And I love the idea of cutting the water off.
