Is this not the best site ever
I am so, so glad that I found this site. Given the situation, it's so reassuring to see that others have walked in the shoes I am now wearing, and that they have taken so many positives out of, what I would describe, is a big mess of mental spaghetti.
It is now 10 days since D-day when my wife burst into tears and said she needed to tell me something. Although I'd had a suspicion, the news knocked me flat. She'd had a one night stand with a guy that I'd known years ago. It felt like the 10 years of marriage and 4 children meant nothing. I was devastated. Actually, no. I was destroyed!
I went home and was wanting to arrange to move back to my parents for a while, but knowing something was very wrong, the kids begged that I stay. Our oldest daugher (13) caught on pretty quickly and asked if I would at least stay the night and, when they were at school the next day, try and talk with their Mam. This I agreed.
I spent that night in a bed of my own, staring at the ceiling with feelings of hurt, anger, humiliation, rage, dissapointment, lonliness, depression and a desire for the whole thing not to be real. I hadn't eaten for most of the day, but I just wasn't hungry (and that's not like me at all!) My wife came into the room a couple of times in the middle of the night wanting to talk to me, but I had little to say and told her I'd speak the next day. I was thinking back, seeking all those little clues that should have tipped me off. The biggest one was that she hadn't slept soundly for weeks. She was always tossing and turning and jumping out of bed to do something or other. Clearly something was bothering her and some days I had to jump into one of the kids beds just to get some sleep. When I would ask her about it, she'd say that she's got loads on her mind (she has suffered depression for 8 years after the birth of our twins) so I took this as a cue back off.
I finally started to settle off to sleep as the sun began to rise and the birds kicked off singing.
At first she tried to blame me (which seems common) but very soon broke down and apologised, saying it was her fault and I didn't deserve that (no s**t). I made every effort to compose myself and we talked. And we talked and talked and talked. I realised that we'd probably talked more in that morning than we had over the last 5 years. She asked me not to move out. I gave her the condition that if she answers every question, regardless of how she thinks I may react, and proves no further contact with the OM then I would not make a decision there and then (I really wanted to go). I asked the questions and received the gory details. I felt everything from feeling sick, to blind fury. I didn't know how to deal with, but upon finding this site, the process has been so much smoother, and I want to thank you all for having this contributed and making your own accounts available to me. My wife sent a message to this guy telling him that she doesn't want any further contact for 'the biggest mistake in her life' and I was only to happy to press the send button. She then pulled out the sim card, ripped it, binned it and then snapped open the phone and binned that too. She has asked to take a phone out on my account so that I can access online all the numbers she calls and texts she sends.
As I said, it's now 10 days since D-day. Much has been said and even more emotions have surged through me. I have accepted that our previous relationship was dead. I am not accepting responsibility for what she did (and nor is she asking me to), but I do acknowledge my part in taking the whole married with kids for granted and not communicating or working at the relationship and therefore my part in a non-working marriage, as she too has accepted her responsibility. Our talking has opened up the truth that she was looking for an 'exit affair', but it came crashing down around her as she realised what she was doing and what was about to happen.
I make no guarantees for the future other than a promise that I will make a genuine effort to make it work - I sometimes feel that this makes me weak, but running away was the easiest option at the time. She has thrown away the clothes she wore when she saw him, she has burst into tears at work and asked to come home to be with me, she really seems to be making an effort towards the new relationship and her remorse seems genuine enough. Time will tell. How it will end, I do not know, but I really need to thank you all for your contributions to this site. If I had not found it, I'd be sat at my parents with nothing resolved and a head full of misery. I'm far from happy, but I'm not alone and that's what matters to me right now.
Thank you all.