Is this not the best site ever
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 05-22-2011, 08:19 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Is this not the best site ever

I am so, so glad that I found this site. Given the situation, it's so reassuring to see that others have walked in the shoes I am now wearing, and that they have taken so many positives out of, what I would describe, is a big mess of mental spaghetti.

It is now 10 days since D-day when my wife burst into tears and said she needed to tell me something. Although I'd had a suspicion, the news knocked me flat. She'd had a one night stand with a guy that I'd known years ago. It felt like the 10 years of marriage and 4 children meant nothing. I was devastated. Actually, no. I was destroyed!

I went home and was wanting to arrange to move back to my parents for a while, but knowing something was very wrong, the kids begged that I stay. Our oldest daugher (13) caught on pretty quickly and asked if I would at least stay the night and, when they were at school the next day, try and talk with their Mam. This I agreed.

I spent that night in a bed of my own, staring at the ceiling with feelings of hurt, anger, humiliation, rage, dissapointment, lonliness, depression and a desire for the whole thing not to be real. I hadn't eaten for most of the day, but I just wasn't hungry (and that's not like me at all!) My wife came into the room a couple of times in the middle of the night wanting to talk to me, but I had little to say and told her I'd speak the next day. I was thinking back, seeking all those little clues that should have tipped me off. The biggest one was that she hadn't slept soundly for weeks. She was always tossing and turning and jumping out of bed to do something or other. Clearly something was bothering her and some days I had to jump into one of the kids beds just to get some sleep. When I would ask her about it, she'd say that she's got loads on her mind (she has suffered depression for 8 years after the birth of our twins) so I took this as a cue back off.
I finally started to settle off to sleep as the sun began to rise and the birds kicked off singing.

At first she tried to blame me (which seems common) but very soon broke down and apologised, saying it was her fault and I didn't deserve that (no s**t). I made every effort to compose myself and we talked. And we talked and talked and talked. I realised that we'd probably talked more in that morning than we had over the last 5 years. She asked me not to move out. I gave her the condition that if she answers every question, regardless of how she thinks I may react, and proves no further contact with the OM then I would not make a decision there and then (I really wanted to go). I asked the questions and received the gory details. I felt everything from feeling sick, to blind fury. I didn't know how to deal with, but upon finding this site, the process has been so much smoother, and I want to thank you all for having this contributed and making your own accounts available to me. My wife sent a message to this guy telling him that she doesn't want any further contact for 'the biggest mistake in her life' and I was only to happy to press the send button. She then pulled out the sim card, ripped it, binned it and then snapped open the phone and binned that too. She has asked to take a phone out on my account so that I can access online all the numbers she calls and texts she sends.

As I said, it's now 10 days since D-day. Much has been said and even more emotions have surged through me. I have accepted that our previous relationship was dead. I am not accepting responsibility for what she did (and nor is she asking me to), but I do acknowledge my part in taking the whole married with kids for granted and not communicating or working at the relationship and therefore my part in a non-working marriage, as she too has accepted her responsibility. Our talking has opened up the truth that she was looking for an 'exit affair', but it came crashing down around her as she realised what she was doing and what was about to happen.

I make no guarantees for the future other than a promise that I will make a genuine effort to make it work - I sometimes feel that this makes me weak, but running away was the easiest option at the time. She has thrown away the clothes she wore when she saw him, she has burst into tears at work and asked to come home to be with me, she really seems to be making an effort towards the new relationship and her remorse seems genuine enough. Time will tell. How it will end, I do not know, but I really need to thank you all for your contributions to this site. If I had not found it, I'd be sat at my parents with nothing resolved and a head full of misery. I'm far from happy, but I'm not alone and that's what matters to me right now.

Thank you all.
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Old 05-22-2011, 08:50 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is this not the best site ever

While I'm very sorry for your situation, I'm glad you found this site. It sounds as though you and your wife are making tremendous progress. Wishing you and your family the best.
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Old 05-22-2011, 09:29 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is this not the best site ever

I would recommend that you go out and get the book "Surviving an Affair" because there are going to be some difficult days ahead as you move towards trying to rebuild your marriage.

You need a plan. The book offers insight as to what went wrong on both ends that created an environment where an affair was possible. It will help you to understand the emotions that you and your wife are bound to go through during this process. But most importantly it gives you a PLAN that will help create a fulfilling marriage and allow you to rebuild from this.

And no, it doesn't make you weak to fight for your marriage and family. Only the strongest are willing to do this.
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Old 05-22-2011, 04:42 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is this not the best site ever

I don't recommend that you read Dr Willard Harley's book 'Surviving An Affair' because it does nothing to help the betrayed spouse to emotionally heal from marital betrayal. The book puts more importance on saving the marriage than saving the betrayed spouse.
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Old 05-22-2011, 05:30 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is this not the best site ever

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I don't recommend that you read Dr Willard Harley's book 'Surviving An Affair' because it does nothing to help the betrayed spouse to emotionally heal from marital betrayal. The book puts more importance on saving the marriage than saving the betrayed spouse.
What do you mean by doing nothing for allowing the betrayed spouse to heal? For starters, healing the marriage requires that the betrayed spouse to heal. If there is a willingness to try to reconcile the marriage, it most cases there is an understanding of the difficult task at hand based on the betrayal.

As a betrayed spouse myself, I understand oh too well the emotions. There is resentment, mistrust, doubt, etc. But what can be done by restoring the marriage via an organized plan is the betrayed spouse can, in time, overcome the resentment as time passes and as the marriage starts to make a rebound. Trust can be regained as long as the disloyal spouse agrees and adheres to extreme precautions to prevent contact with the affair partner and anyone else. Also, transparency is a must like email, facebook, cell phone passwords and such.

What would you suggest a betrayed spouse do?
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Old 05-22-2011, 05:50 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is this not the best site ever

Your wifes action are simular to what my cheating wife did, it has been really good for the last 15 months. It sound like she is on the same page.

I too have to give my 21 year old daughter credit for the letter she wrote me in helping me deside to stick around.

I'm glad I did my wife has gone above and behond what i could have ever expected in helping me heal. Lets face it is up to them to help us heal.

Count your blessing, there are a lot of folk that don't have thier DS as remorseful as ours.
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Old 05-22-2011, 09:05 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is this not the best site ever

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Originally Posted by marksaysay View Post
What do you mean by doing nothing for allowing the betrayed spouse to heal? For starters, healing the marriage requires that the betrayed spouse to heal. If there is a willingness to try to reconcile the marriage, it most cases there is an understanding of the difficult task at hand based on the betrayal.

As a betrayed spouse myself, I understand oh too well the emotions. There is resentment, mistrust, doubt, etc. But what can be done by restoring the marriage via an organized plan is the betrayed spouse can, in time, overcome the resentment as time passes and as the marriage starts to make a rebound. Trust can be regained as long as the disloyal spouse agrees and adheres to extreme precautions to prevent contact with the affair partner and anyone else. Also, transparency is a must like email, facebook, cell phone passwords and such.

What would you suggest a betrayed spouse do?
I'm a betrayed husband as well and since you did ask, I would recommend to other BS (LS) to read instead Dr James C Hobson's book 'Love Must Be Tough'. It delivers the goods by giving the BS (LS) the steps to maintain his dignity by essentially showing his cheating wife that he is not going to be waiting for her to come back. The betrayed husband should not tolerate any abuse from his cheating wife including any thoughts in her mind that he is a doormat and her consolation prize if her relationship with the OM implodes.

Dr Harley's 'Surviving An Affair' Jon and Sue story did nothing but show how much abuse Jon had to tolerate from his WW Sue - whom he found naked, having sex with the OM in their matrimonial bed - and how even after she got dumped by the OM for another woman when they started living together and facing the cruel facts of life, she still blamed Jon for her affair. Supposedly, Jon eventually got over it but no thanks to that poor excuse of woman's behavior, Sue. If it wasn't for Jon's daughters, he would have bolted from the marriage. It would be interesting to see if a follow up on Jon and Sue shows if the two are still together.

Furthermore I find it also interesting that the same man who tells BS (LS) to suck it up, Dr Willard Harley, has said publicly on his website that he would divorce his wife if she ever had an affair. Go figure
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Old 05-23-2011, 11:01 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is this not the best site ever

Hmmmm, I've read so many books but can't remember now if I read "Surviving an Affair". Doesn't sound familiar.

Our therapist recommend "After the Affair" by Janis Abrahms Spring, PH.D. It was very helpful those first few weeks and also helped my H (he had an EA/PA) discover things about himself that had made him susceptible to an affair.

Now that's it's been several months from d-day for me, I was going to read it again. I remember it being comforting and helpful, but now that I've had some time I may benefit from reading it again.

It's always sad to see when another person has to join the Coping thread, but at least you're in good company. I think many of us would have even felt more lost without this site after discovery. Just knowing you're not alone helps.
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Old 05-23-2011, 11:09 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is this not the best site ever

This forum has been very helpful to me as well. Kind of sucks when you have no one you can talk to about this stuff. I tried not to get any family or friends involved since we were trying to reconcile from the beginning.

Just having people to talk to and share experiences with is very nice.
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Old 05-24-2011, 05:42 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is this not the best site ever

Thanks to all for the support, advice and kind words. The rollercoaster in my head is still there, but it has slowed down somewhat and my feelings change over a period of hours rather than minutes. I will be making a book purchase from Amazon and have a couple in mind to help me better understand what my head is doing
Anyhow. Back to work I go. Many thanks for all your help folks
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Old 05-24-2011, 06:17 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is this not the best site ever

what books are you getting?
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Old 05-24-2011, 08:23 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is this not the best site ever

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This forum has been very helpful to me as well. Kind of sucks when you have no one you can talk to about this stuff. I tried not to get any family or friends involved since we were trying to reconcile from the beginning.

Just having people to talk to and share experiences with is very nice.
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Old 05-24-2011, 09:06 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is this not the best site ever

Good luck, man. Be on your toes though... wouldn't want to see you here again with the same problem.
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Old 05-25-2011, 01:32 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is this not the best site ever

The books I'm looking at are: Not 'Just Friends' By Shirley Glass & After the Affair by Janis Spring.
Any thoughts?
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Old 05-25-2011, 02:21 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Is this not the best site ever

Not Just Friends is the only book I found really helpful to me of the 5 that I read in the first 4 days post DDay.
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